This week, our Hares from Hell took us up to Fall Creek Park in Felton.  Dung Fu Grip, Twisted Fister and Fap Jack decided to do both a Turkey and Eagle trail.   Most of the pack did the Turkey Trail.  According to Occasional Rapist’s map, it looked like a 4.36 mile loop.  The minority, I counted 7 of us (Shady Curtains, Bloody Wanker, Penis Penis Penis, Dog Breath, Puff the Magic Drag Queen, Tiny Wanker and yours truly) did the Eagle Trail.  On the map, it looked like a much larger loop.  My GPS measured 6.94 miles, and it took me 2 hours and 23 minutes.  Instead of going on and on about how shitty the trail was, I came up with a top 10 list for future Hares to consider when planning their Trails.  If your trail has any of these criteria, you should rethink your trail.

Top 10 Criteria of a Shitty Trail: 

10.  Long water crossings in the beginning of your trail making hashers trudge through the majority of the trail in squishy wet shoes.

9.  Multiple fences to climb.  Especially 6 foot fences!  Go around, damn it!

8.  Your trail is not suitable for dogs or Hashers over 60 years old.  We do have a Retired Hasher contingent to consider.  They just want to drink!

7.  Tons of poison oak!  Itchy, scratchy mess!

6.  Your trail includes a mile long steep hill.  Fuck that shit!

5.  Your trail takes longer to complete than it takes to run a half marathon!

4.  You don’t tell Hashers to bring flashlights and they get stuck in the woods in the dark!

3.  Hashers are at risk of becoming dinner for nocturnal predators!

2.  Your trail sucks so bad that you have to send out a search party to rescue stranded Hashers.  But thank you for not drinking all the beer and forgetting about us!

1.  Your trail is worse than a dBASED trail!

Religion was in the parking lot.  TIMMY!!! was RA and Puff was Beer Fairy.  After almost killing the old bastard on the Eagle Trail, the pack sung Happy Birthday to Puff.  There were 2 Analversaries.  Dog Breath was congratulated on his 225th hash and dBASED celebrated hs 600th hash!  Get a life!  We had a Virgin.  Virgin Carie.  Just Marisol and Just Jeremiah made her cum!  And after this trail, she will probably never cum again.  She did wear a “bite me” sweatshirt and show her tits though.  We had a naming!  Just Jeremiah apparently has hippy parents who tripped out on peyote and named him some ridiculously long name.  Part of his name is White Eagle.  So the pack named him Creamy Swallow.  Welcome to the hash!  And last but not least, the Hares.  They Ought to be Publicly Pissed On……………

Now that I have purged myself of last week’s horrors, I can now look forward to the Joyous event known as Wharf to Barf!  See you this Thursday 7/24/14 at Bocci’s Cellar.  Toga!  Toga!  Use an old sheet and check out youtube videos on how to tie a toga.   For more information on Wharf to Barf:  https://www.sch3.net/wharf-to-barf/.  All the cool kids will be there and you don’t want to miss it!

On On,

Shallow Hole