All posts by PussyWood

938: Why are we so stupid?

Why are we so stupid?
Why do we believe the crap that Twisted Fister spews?
Why were we lulled into a false sense of security with his promise of NO WATER CROSSING for his annual Beerthday hash.
Why are my $200 barely used, almost new trail shoes soaking wet and stinking up my car?
Why?
Good question.
We were all taken for a ride yet once again by this scoundrel.
He marched us along a dangerously dark and winding road only to find a huge FALSE. A big FU.  A bold face LIE. He is one devious MoFo.
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And to make matters worse….he laid the same trail last year and had us fall for it again. Well, let me back up…..we actually had 2 brilliant hashers who deviated from the pack and ended up at Burger!! A place known for a plethora of beers on tap. Banana Basher and Princess Di made a hasty retreat away from the trail and right into a warm and toasty pub. As they were slinking away we were trying not to get run over by cars whizzing by as if they were at Laguna Seca. Thanks for looking out for our safety.
The mangled pack soldiered on and descended into the depths of the dark forest.
Yet once again we lost 2 hashers who are afraid of the dark. Waxi Pad and Occasional Rapist bailed at the entrance of Nisene Marks. They said a prayer for our safety, burned some sage and hoped that the mountain lions already had an early dinner. Not wanting to show any fear, we marched on with our trusty flashlights and headlamps ablaze. Remarkably it was a rather pleasant evening, with the cotton balls clouds playing hide and seek with the almost full moon. The trail was very straightforward….meaning we went directly into the stream, no get out of jail free card. No way out except to get WET. 
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A few souls miscalculated the route and ended up rather moist….CumYouWillNot fessed up to being slightly impaired and thus took her water route on the cuff.  Which means she got completely soaked. Others slithered along a log in order to avoid damp tootsies. And the rest bravely walked right into the cold stream and crossed without incident. There was a good deal of chivalry on trail as the ever helpful Just Foot Pussy took his post as a crossing guard very seriously. TestaCoil was also the perfect gentleman in guiding CumFartZone over the slippery bits and offering to hold her backpack. Bakers also offered his chivalry to Jizziki, who simply can’t see shit anymore due to an eye condition and to the blazing fast Virgin Sean who initially was a FRB at the YBF but got knocked off his butt on Knob Creek.
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And since we are talking about shit, we had to endure hearing about Waxi Pad’s sudden and urgent need to defecate on trail. WTF, is nothing sacred in this group? Folks here continue to wax poetic about menstrual cycles, semen, piss, sex toys, infectious hashing crud and now the dreaded #2. Well poo poo to you all. Carry some TP with ya on trail and zip it.
 
Moving on we also admonished Jizz for losing his light saber with all it’s fancy features. It telescopes in and out…a shower not a grower. It has many setting including a hallucinogenic strobe light that will make you throw up.  Thankfully CuntJungle found it and returned it to its rightful owner.  
 
Pinky had blood on trail after a run in with a mailbox. Next time she should try UPS….they are kinder and gentler.
There was talk of the old man log and thus Timmy!!! and Banana had to do a down down. I think it is an inside joke.
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Puff got a down down for being the Dog Whisperer and always having enough “Pupperoni/Pufferoni” to go around.
 
Cheek and Dong was our lone visitor from the frigid north land of CA and pitched an upcoming Spring 2018 snowshoe event. Sounds like fun….especially the naked hot tub apple bobbing contest.
 
More down downs for the guys who missed the package checks. TestaCoil and Jizziki complained that is was too cold to bare the balls and uncoil the snakes. Thankfully our resident stunt dick, JFP, took one for the team.
 
Wish our Virgin(Sean) would have taken the hint but he choose to tell us a crappy joke about an 80 yr old pirate. Lame to say the least. But at least he paid attention to chalk talk. 
 
Our analversares go to JFP/JustFootPussy and Bacon Queef for 100 hashes each. 
And Thump Thump really needs to get a life after logging in a staggering 300 hashes! Talk about commitment.
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Accuprick presided as RA  and we are hoping he will continue providing quips, punishments and terse Boston admonishments for the upcoming new hashing year. 
 
Next week is AGM. 
Get out and vote.
And step up to the plate and volunteer for a position in this zany club.
 
It’s been a fun year….well at least I thought it was fun. Perhaps I already have early Alzheimers and I’m forgetting most of the hashes that included dastardly uphill routes and dangerously steep downhills through poison oak infested woodlands.
So in true Academy Award Style I have to mention a few “thank yous”.
 
Thank you for allowing me to do some of this past years scribing. 
I really do enjoy the creative challenge of attempting to document some of our most poignant and intimate moments each and every week.
 
Thanks to Pussy Wood for her support and maintenance of the hash trash journals and for pushing me into this perfunctory and perilous position.
 
Thanks to Puff for his additional reports and incredibly damming hash Flash. I can no longer pass a background check and my security clearance has been revoked.
Thank for for helping me overcome my shyness by encouraging me to show my boobs to complete strangers and dress up in ridiculous costumes. I suppose I can  no longer label myself a wallflower.
Thank you for allowing me to become more comfortable taking a wizz in public.
I paid close attention to Occasional. She is a wonderful mentor.
Thank you for increasing my alcohol tolerance. I can now manage 3 or 4 beers an evening verses the measly one beer a night when I started. This is not including  the special jello shots or the nasty LC checks I have learned to tolerate.
 
And thank you for allowing me to make jello shots for the Hawaiian themed party. 
58 years old and I finally concocted my first ever jello shot. Resume worthy.
 
Thank you all for pushing me out of my “comfort zone” and into the wilds of hashing.
 
Thank you to Vaginal Repair Kit for putting up with my antics and showing up on nights even when you were pooped and not in the mood. And for finally putting on that red dress!
 
Thank you to all our officers past and present for their faithful and zealous adherence to hashings great traditions and rules.  Thanks for being pillars of this community….the community with no standards. Role models for the forlorn, misfits and disenfranchised…oh wait…that’s a different group. (Not!)
 
Thanks to everyone who shows up every week looking forward to spending a couple of hours with friends, getting some fresh air and exercise, being silly, being themselves, being authentic and being part of the fabric of life.  We’ve certainly gotten to know each other – the good – the bad – and the ugly.  And we continue to love and accept each other. We all come from different lifestyles and yet what I have noticed is that we all get along. And some of you have formed very close friendships and consider your hashing friends as family. Others are simply weekly acquaintances with whom you share a brew and few laughs. 
 
 As we say in Santa Cruz. “It’s all good”.
And it is good indeed.
It has been good for me to be a part of this group/this family/this zany club.
Thank you again for accepting me and it has been a pleasure getting to know all of you. 
 
On On On
CumFartZone

937: Helloween

Hash Trail 937
Another beerthday hash and another pathetic excuse to dress up and scare the locals. Six days before Halloween but no one blinked an eye. This is normal for Santa Cruz….where you can be a weirdo 365 days a year.24170649068_f9dc6c726c_o
This extravaganza started with the blaring trail announcement from Just Foot Pussy who could not contain his excitement at his impending monumental birthday event. To make matters worse he drags poor Tits and Game out of retirement and out of her comfy temperpedic bed to assist him. She should have stayed home in her PJ’s and slippers. But then we would have been deprived of her luscious boobies and mischievous and devious trail. 37991798172_f41601b5a4_o
So with all the hoopla and hype we gathered at the Red Room….perfect venue for start of a Halloween hash with its clandestine lighting and regular odd characters. We blended right in like Navy Seals in full camo on a stealthy mission.
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Well most of us blended in except for some huge pimple like creature with probing tentacles. Not really sure what that thing was but it certainly was the most creative costume I’ve seen in a long time. The “thing” as I will call it from now on made a valiant effort to keep up with the pack. It’s handler, a gregarious yet firm German lad who seems to have wandered away from the Beer Garten, barked out instructions like a drill Sargent each time a menacing curb loomed ahead….or a nasty maze of train tracks, trash and jagged fence holes presented a violent trip hazard.
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The “thing” turned out to be very adept at navigating the city streets and the off trail detours, swigging copious amounts of brown liquid along the way. It remained upright the entire trail.
We encountered many checks….which confounded a few. Some got hopelessly lost but thankfully found refuge at Boccis Cellar. Once they recovered from their ordeal and replenished their “electrolytes” they managed to reunite with the rest of the pack at Religion.
They missed an awesome Liquor Check of festive jello shots in the cemetery. They missed beer check at the top of a lovely knoll. They missed snacks and chips and dip. They missed the giant dildo!!
And they missed us enough to venture out again just to be given a down down. Those rascals may have been Taco Tramp, Summers Yeast and possible Wicked, before he Ubered home to avoid prosecution.
38022522621_e658353c9f_oMaybe he, Wicked, kidnapped Cunt Jungle and violated her in the cemetery. You never know what really goes on underneath that Darth Vadar cape and mask. And no one is ever safe from his tongue!
We had an emergency rescue on trail. Bakers took a nasty fall on a slick slice of sidewalk and luckily the ski patrol was nearby and able to revive him with a generous glug of hot amber swill. No stitches, no crutches needed. Thanks Thump Thump and Princess. Gotta love those Saint Bernards.
As all of our festive participants gathered for the Halloween costume contest, also known as Religion, we noticed that the lovely 99 cent plastic glasses had morphed into unrecognizable shapes. Apparently DBased put said party glasses into the bottom rack of the dishwasher. We will probably need to raise your hash cash next week to cover the cost of replacing our expensive stemware. Blame him.
Speaking of blame and shame we now have a true defector in our midst. Cunt Jungle escaped from her over the hill captors and has been brainwashed into thinking SCH3 now her mother kennel. She is keeping her name to protect the guilty.
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Our analversaries were BakersDoesn’t and Curtesy Flush each at 69. Kinda weird eh? We all got treated to an interactive 69 demo. Another Halloween treat I suppose?!
We had some backsliders…..Taco Tramp, Tits and Game, and JFP who was traveling to satisfy insatiable needs.
And finally we had the much touted costume contest…..all who turned up were worthy of a prize, including Hugh as the Queen of Hearts, JFP as the raunchy cowboy, Timmy and his best friend Psycho Baby minus some important limbs, along with a sexy giraffe, Gorilla with a huge hat ( perhaps making up for other lack) Taco as an American Horror Story persona and CumYouWillNot in a festive Hawaiian themed dress. Steamy was styling in his matching paisley 60’s era attire. Dual Tools borrowed a banana that looked more like a giant yellow condom. We had bunnies, supermen and superwomen, skeletons, chicks with dicks and dogs with tutus. Meanwhile Puff went all out and rocked the orange OP shorts. Also Bakers dressed as a chef… which was a stretch and his dog morphed into a lobster dinner.
Obviously the strange vagina creature, the giant bed bug, the 8th grade gonorrhea scare tactic or simply the “Thing” won the coveted t-shirt prize. Well deserved. The grand prize goes to BareBackUniCrack!!!
Overall it was a fun night of costumes, birthdays and creepy crawlies.
Thanks to all who came out to celebrate Halloween almost one week early….but who cares? Any excuse for a party.
And don’t forget the party of the year will be an awesome AGM on Nov 9th.
Be there or be square.
On On On,
CumFartZone
VOTE FOR ME………..for something, anything!!!

Hash 935: The adventures of Burrito Boy

OK people…you read the invite to the hash….the cum on lines and the illusion that it will be a cake walk trail. After all, Burrito Boy aka Courtesy Flush is telling you he blew out his ankle running after a roach coach taco truck. He is daring you to catch him as he hobbles around downtown Santa Cruz trying to avoid Hepatitis A infected sidewalks. He baits us with this… “Maybe it’ll be some super secret abandoned industrial site or some magical offshore islands where it rains beer and the free-range unicorns fart lavender and poop cheesecake. ” 
Put a burrito in that boys mouth

Put a burrito in that boys mouth


Let me set the record straight……….we ran about 3 miles…..not really straight as this is a progressive town and there were unicorns as predicted.  I kid you not. 3 magical unicorns….well 2 really special magical unicorns with nice boobs and 1 lame unicorn with a semi. You just had to be there.
 
In addition to the festive costumes, we were treated to Unicracks Picasso inspired street drawings. Lots of circle jerks, a bazillion true trail arrows, T/E splits, and then the dreaded DETOUR signs. WTF??
 
The hares really had a hell of a night trying to keep their plan. We were SUPPOSED to start at the Saturn Cafe but some asshate employee and his inept manager decided that we couldn’t order JUST BEER….God forgive…..We had to order BEER and FOOD. Well you can see where this is going. So new plan….go across the street to the Nasti Asti…for BEER and cigs. Mo Better.
 
Beer Check and Religion were SUPPOSED to be at the Oswald garage….but yet again the hares were thwarted by some thugs in uniform who correctly guessed that the white rectangular box might be a cooler filled with BEER. 
BRRRRILLIANT observation Dr Watson/Mr Park Ranger Person. 
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So hence the “DETOUR” signs and the “ALMOST THERE” signs………..my thighs are burning and my throat is parched after our gruesome trek around the city. To make matters worse there are weird smiley faces grinning back at me as I ascend yet another set of garage stairs.
 
Finally………we find the mother lode of beers….and those laughable hares. It’s hard to stay mad at them when they are so adorable.
 
At Religion it was nice to see the InterAm folks back safe and sound even if they all still looked a little greenish.
 
Cums out my nose demonstrated a proper Down Down.  She was guilty of being on her cell phone…what else is new? And not listening, hmmm…..and there was no drink in her hand. Horrors and it isn’t even Halloween.
Speaking of horrors the non runners were represented by Broke Bench, Cums out my nose and Wicked. Too bad cause they missed a great LC. The mysterious grey bong water in the old plastic water bottles was a gruesome mixture of either cider and tequila or cider and whiskey. Seems most of it made its way back to Religion…not too many takers for that swill.
 
Our backslider, Sharticle Physics, has been MIA for at least a year and blames it on “travel”. Must be nice. In reality he has been chasing unicorns and he brought a few to the hash as proof. Just April made her second appearance and Virgin Jennifer did not disappoint when she unzipped her costume.
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We also celebrated Wicked’s 169th hash, along with 300 impressive hashes for Broke Bench and a whopping 769 hashes for DBased. Get a Life!
 
Wicked got another DD for singing out of turn, CumFartZone got a DD for hell if I know but there was some crazy nipple pinching story.
 
Virgin Jennifer did some lame striptease trying to get out of the Unicorn pajama disguise and in her zeal to show off her hot pink panties she almost got the prize for creative self bondage. 
 
 The hares had to move it along so they could make the Dick Dale show so we hastily sang them their song and sent them packing.
 
All in all it was a lovely fall evening in santa cruz with my favorite peeps. And I got some nice swag…thank you Occasional and Shallow!
 
On On On,
CumFartZone
 
 
 

Hash 934: Last Minute Lazy hash

Since most of the pack is away…..the mice will play! Come to Capitola to see the full moon rise….and I don’t mean we will be dropping trou…..well maybe we will….cause you never know around here. We will scamper around this quaint and colorful village by the sea, leave our droppings and annoy my neighbors! I might even have some tasty snacks to entice you to cum out and play.
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That was the hash invite. I guess all that electrical stim did something to my naughty bits and made me sign up to be a last minute co-hare with Pinky.  Why do I get myself in these predicaments? I just can’t say no…especially if they beg!
So a few of us outcasts showed up at the Brit. Wicked rode his bike over from the Point but forgot his bike lock….so I climbed the dreaded Capitola stairs yet again to bring him a bike lock. He is forever indebted to me. My thighs were throbbing from those stairs. Maybe a massage is in order rather than a lame thank you note.
Two lonely FACU members showed up as their pack also abandoned them for some stupid event called InterAm in Phoenix. Dual Tools and Shanhainey quickly bonded with their orphaned Surf City brothers and sisters. Somehow we managed to assemble a small pack for the evenings festivities.  Cum You Will Not and Jizz were also happy for the company from over the hill.
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Steamy Baanorrhea rose to the occasion and offered to hare the Eagle trail. He even had his emergency kit of flour in the car which made him the official 3rd co-hare.
For a last minute hash we assembled about 18 half minds to play hide and seek.
 
Pink and CumFartZone quickly mapped out a route….and Steamy ran off on his own and almost got arrested at the Capitola Police Station with his 2 overflowing water bottles filled with a mysterious white powder. He also just escaped a hare snare as well at that location. He diverted his path and went on his merry way. Lucky guy.
 
Meanwhile Pinky did some sort of a loop around the village hoping to reconnect the second part of the trail with CumFartZone’s trail. She got a little sideways but reconnected at the entrance to Depot Hill where all three trails finally converged. Talk about a cluster fuck!  CFZ got hopelessly lost in her own hood as she attempted to point out all the charming features such as the rising moon and the large bird sculptures made out of shells. While she was flailing around several hashers snared her but she went giggling off into the darkness once again.
 
At beer check we were joined by three foreigners who quickly discovered that they could score free beer by just merely practicing their strange accents. I think Real Boring Bitch had something to do with their appearance. If nothing else they provided us some great entertainment at Religion.
 
Poolside religion is always interesting and Dog Breath always manages to get wet. Thankfully he left his undies on as to keep my neighbors from calling the cops….again!!
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The virgins were visiting from Sweden. One told a terrible joke about ribbon benches ( I think he meant benches with wooden slates) in which a naked guys penis and balls are pulled through the ribbons/slates. I can say no more, as the joke was really gross.
The second bloke sang The Saints Come Marching In in Swedish, and the third dude sang a Swedish military song about keeping Sweden white. Hmmm how timely and racist! Perfect for Santa Cruz. We just laughed and smiled politely as they swigged more of our beer.
 
On to our official business….Bakers Dozen’t had 25 CONSECUTIVE hashes and he got Pinky’s “Toser” necklace. That’s another story for another day. I am not really sure what that necklace is all about. Maybe she will tell you next time.
 
Real Boring Bitch was on his phone trying to show the Swedish guys a picture of IHOP – the visiting hasher with the artificial leg.
 
There was talk about nominating some new folks for some old jobs….we need a Beer Meister or two. 
 
Step up to the plate and volunteer for a good cause.
Elections aka erections will be NOV 9 at El Palomar.
 
The party continued at the Brit for more food and more beer and laughs.
 
All in all a good shitty last minute lost in Capitola Hash.
 
On On On,
CumFartZone

Hash 933: Short and Shitty (whats new?)

Another short shitty last minute trail by Pink Cherry Licker.
We started at Takara Sushi, near the mall.
Everyone without dogs ended up inside of target, where yellow sticky notes were used instead of chalk or flour.
Very clever except that once we got into the mall the little yellow sticky notes disappeared. Not sure if the janitor swept them up or some snot nosed kid grabbed them.
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But some of us….Occasional, Jizz and CumFartZone were left to our own devices and a bad sense of direction.
Nevertheless Occasional was adamant that she heard from Wicked that there was flour outside the mall, perhaps on 38th so off we went. CFZ put out a distress call to UrineCider and he responded that the pack was nearby. Thankfully we all reunited like a bad 80’s song.
It seemed that it got rather dark quickly and the sea of flashlights finally led us up to Brommer park for Beer Check and Religion. It’s like a BOGO…..buy one, get one.
Lately we have been choosing that option…the combo plan. This was perhaps the shortest distance so far between stops.
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We chastised the backsliders…..like SixONine who broke some ribs and was down and out for a bit…so what else is new? CourtesyFlush, Cunt Jungle also have been remiss in their attendance. Lame excuses about snuggling with pussy….but who can blame them.
We had a visitor from down south….Gorilla Whorefair. We had folks running from warrants and towards some Red Trolley beer. I think he is planning on relocating to our neck of the woods with his lovely spouse.
Wicked remembered his friend and surf icon, Lars, who recently departed this earthly plane.
Cum You Will Not was a very good girl and got an A for boob check. Accuprick noted that she hides her famous red lipstick between those beautiful mounds of rounds. That’s his words not mine. I think Jizz was also in on this action. There was some confusion about birdshit on the RR tracks being mistaken for hash marks.23561568288_128e22fef9_o
 Accu needs to back of the green stuff.
Cheek and Dong created some gorilla tit checks. There is always one in every crowd.
All in all….a dark shitty trail and a burrito to boot!
On On On,
CumFartZone

Hash 932: Mawwiage

 

Holy Sweet Matrimony, Wedded Bliss and all that Crap.
So DBased and Occasional tied the knot four years ago in some secret ceremony.Since none of us were invited to the actual wedding they decided to let us all in on their extreme love drunk escapades by re-enacting their honeymoon by inviting all of us to trudge around in the darkness searching for some cheap champagne and a confetti condom. We all wore headlamps as a show of solidarity to DB for his valiant effort to find the hole. I am sure that there was some sort of Geocache type prize in there. You know he likes to go on wild goose chases and sign his name on a tiny scraps of paper as proof of his finds. Most likely he tattooed his name down there so he can gaze upon his precious treasure every day!! I think he may be a bit obsessed with that game. Then again he is also obsessed with Hashing too. I think there is a pattern here.
Anywho……..We all gathered in force to celebrate the momentous anniversary but first had to decipher some navigational way points in order to find the start.
Gosh darn this game thing can be a bit annoying. My Uber driver was less than thrilled.
Can’t just give us an address…….NO Sir…that would be too easy for us half-minds. Gotta make us work for our beer. Speaking of beer…..it was stuck in traffic………along with most of us. So much for living in a sleepy little beach town.
Once we all managed to find the start off we went…..through the woods and over sandy hills. We were treated to a most spectacular sunset and a few stopped for photo ops.
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Back on trail we found the dreaded railroad tracks again….however we were pleasantly surprised to find them needle and litter free. Capitola sure does know how to discourage the riff raff.
Beer check was staged at a lovely little overlook and the champagne was flowing, along with Dbased’s little sweet nothings which he kept whispering to his glowing bride.
I just envy them….such a perfect couple!! And he is so so affectionate. Too much PDA is never a bad thing with them.
Back at religion we officially celebrated their anniversary to the tune of El Camino….which seemed appropriate at the time.
We also celebrated the year’s Beer Meisters: Thump Thump, Princess, Just Foot Pussy and Bacon Q and I think Broke Back and Cums was mentioned as well. Sorry but I was a bit too looped from all the bubbly to take accurate notes.
Then they called me up there for something….I have no clue why but I gladly drank some of the shitty beer just to be a good sport.
Pinky screamed on trail – actually it was on the RR tracks just after we left Beer Check. We thought it may have been Occasional getting some in the bushes but sadly it was just a huge rat running for his life, away from the Hashers.
So Rat Pussy and Pinky got a down down.
Shallow Hole celebrated a mere 269 hashes…Get a Life.
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A few folks thought it would fun to shortcut, not once…but twice. That would most likely be Thump Thump and Princess – those clever and sometimes clueless ex GM’s. Somehow they also managed to be FRB’s and then DFL’s.  Perhaps all the love in the air also drove them to get a piece on trail.
In addition to a piece or two on trail there was also PEE on trail…MR JFP! SoPizzOnYa and ShitOnYa….In Russian that means I love you….again in keeping with the theme of the evening. I just love romance.
Virgin Carla wowed us with a a joke so memorable that I actually remembered it.
What is the difference between a G-Spot and a Golf Ball?
A man will actually look for a golf ball!!!!!
Oh yeah…go ahead and laugh.
And so here is to that elusive G-Spot…..Make sure the batteries in your headlamps are fresh and toast one or twelve to the happy couple and hapless hares….DBased and Occasional Rapist.
Thanks for the mammories you crazy couple.
Sweet ON ON ON’s…..
CumFartZone.