I almost sat down to write this week’s trash talk without a beer by my side. Almost. But that would just be wrong. This week’s trash is now under the influence of Lagunitas Little Sumpin’ Sumpin’ Ale and all is right again.
The pack’s takeover last Thursday happened at Malone’s Bar and Grille in sleepy little Scotts Valley where the town shuts down at 9:00. Puff the Magic Drag Queen was the creepy uncle who brought candy to the bar. He’d tottered over to Marini’s after a wasted Saturday afternoon at 99 Bottles and bought the place out of leftover Halloween candy. He must’ve developed quite a toothache eating it over the week because he was desperate to unload the sweets on the hash. Hey, no complaints here! dBASED was haring tonight so we could all use some extra sugar to keep us charging. Thmp-Thmp led the circle up for his first time ever and sent us on our way. Well, except for Pussy Galore who went in the opposite direction to sushi. Smart girl.
After the first check, the pack kept searching the wrong way down SV Drive. Some of us stuck close to Occasional Rapist because she was supposed to co-hare tonight but had pussed out. We all knew that she knew the right way to go. Which is a very good thing to know when the night is very dark and dBASED is laying a shitty trail over hill and dale. It was so dark that Brave Brave Sir Robin (visiting from Alabama) was carrying a massive Maglite. Hugh Heifer reckoned it took 5 D batteries, which is probably slightly fewer than some of her bedroom toys use. Just Daniel was using one of those hand pump lights that you squeeze to generate the power. He might have practiced his hand pumping in the bedroom beforehand. Speaking of pumping, it came out on trail that Just Eddie (who somehow survived Edtoberfest) and Just Daniel met working at Hot Dog on a Stick. I bet during a typical day one of them was working that lemonade pump while the other was working the weenies and sticks. I wonder if they still put that on their résumés?
Trail was a big loop full of hills that went from Malone’s, up and down through neighborhoods to Glen Canyon Rd., across ludicrously crazy traffic of Mt. Hermon Rd. up to Manana Woods, down through Whispering Pines, across the golf course, through Skypark, along Bean Creek Rd., and straight through the campus of Scotts Valley Middle School. About 10 steps after we saw the custodian dumping the trash and parents picking up their kids from play rehearsal, we saw the beer near mark and found beer check down a nearby easement.
The most memorable thing about beer check was the stank. Either Porter or Nipple-less Butt had done his business in a mysterious dark corner and left us to suffer. We gagged down our beers while we waited too long for DFLs Hugh and Sir Robin. The joke was on us because they had bailed out of trail long, long ago to meet Pussy Galore at sushi. Smart asses.
We wandered up Scotts Valley Drive to religion behind Pro Scuba. dBASED RA’d and Brave Brave Sir Robin was beer fairy. Cumcerto was glorified for being FRB. She was also shamed for alcohol abuse for pouring out her down down beer. And then she accidentally poured her chosen beer on Thmp’s shoes. Brokebench didn’t do trail because of work. Werk’s 4 jerks! Diddler on the Roofie and Shiny Snail Trail were backsliders. Diddler also blamed work because he can’t manage to get his ass to work at 6am after a hash. Amateur! Sir Robin and Hugh were busted for not making it to the stankified beer check. There was blood on trail times two. Dung-Fu Grip had an encounter with a pile of metal and Timmy!!! was bleeding from the back of his leg, likely from the briar patch around the golf course. It was dBASED’s analversary of 75 harings—better known as 75 unleashings of brutal punishment. Please note that he is expecting something special for his 100th. I recommend a flogging. Occasional Rapist made the grand achievement 125 hashes. Get a life! On on on was at the only place possibly still open in Scotts Valley—Next Door Bar.
This Thursday at 6 o’cock is AGM, our Annual General Meeting…or All-out Gonzo Melee! Bring $20 to El Palomar downtown for lotsa food and all the beer you can drink. Erections will be held for Mismanagement. Lame duck GM Timmy!!! will be haring a “trail” which may or may not consist of a tiny rectangle 4 blocks long.
On-on,
Princess Di(arrhea)