Aloha Island Grill was to start location this week. Hashers invaded the place and disrupted a bunch of folks eating dinner. Princess Di (arrhea) and Thmp-Thmp promised a normal Surf City trail, of normal fucking distance, no fucking theme, no fucking costumes, none of that fucking shit. Fuckin A man! They tried to explain to a bunch of halfminds a new trail mark- a fish hook thing that meant FRB’s had to go back and find the DFL’s and share some kind of treat. I don’t think many of us were listening. Then they took off.
My GPS measured trail at 3.59 miles. The pack followed marks down Portola, across the street and lead to Schwan Lagoon. There was a long shiggy section that lead to dirt trails. We just came back from Louisiana, so to me, the lagoon looks like a swamp minus the alligators. Lots of poison oak though! We saw the fishhook mark and it had what looked like a 3 next to it. WTF? The FRB’s scoured the area searching for our treats but only found an empty bottle of some nasty shit. We didn’t know if it meant back check 3 marks, so we even tried that. No treats, but we were there so long that the DFL’s caught up with us. The very thirsty pack proceeded to the railroad tracks where LC was spotted. Could the treats be found? No! I See Naked People even looked inside the metal electrical box next to the tracks. Oh well, so the pack went on. Dehydration was really starting to set in. There was a check on the corner of Brommer and Live Oak. Some hashers searched someone’s yard, but luckily no one came out with a gun. On On was called and we headed right on Brommer, then right on El Dorado into Simpkins swim center. There was a long stretch down 17th avenue that led to a long stretch down Felt Street to 24th Avenue. We eventually made it back to Portola. There was a check that was particularly difficult to solve. It was then when we found Fucked Over Fest who arrived late to the hash and followed trail on his own. He couldn’t figure out the fishhook thing but eventually found the pack. The last place to check was through a condo complex. Sure enough, the Hares put chalk arrows through there and we were finally on on! Trail went down Corcoran Avenue to Clearwater Court, to Coastview Drive where the illustrious BN was spotted. The Hares were waiting for us with hot and ready Little Cesar’s Pizza. Apparently there were 2 bottles of liquor. One at the fishhook mark and one at the liquor check but no one found them. Food has a way of making hashers more docile, so once we had pizza and beer all was good in the world.
Religion was held at the Live Oak Library. Dung Fu was RA and Puff the Magic Drag Queen was Beer Fairy. Since the cleaning folks were still in the library, the pack whispered in true library fashion. It was a quick and quiet Religion. Curtesy Flush drank a down down for his usual pattern of stopping on trail for a burrito and eating it on trail. Not sure how you can eat a big burrito and still run without puking, but this guy does it. Pink Cherry Licker drank for a comment she made about getting “swamp thumb” and Bacon Queef cured her of it, so it doesn’t appear to be a fatal condition. We had 2 virgins this week! I See Naked People made Virgin Jake cum. He sang you’ve lost that loving feeling. I was behind him for most of trail and couldn’t help notice his unusual running form. It looked like he was prancing and holding his hands up like hooves. Hooker on Kronix, Bitch made Virgin Brittany cum. She flashed her boobs. Fucked Over Fest drank for showing up late. And last but not least, the Fucking Hares……………………
Word on the street is that dBASED and Occasional Rapist were allowed to flee communist Cuba and made it back to Santa Cruz alive, so Occasional Rapist will be haring this week. Until then…………
I will make this short and fucked (just like trail) but not without a little treat for all of those who comment to me how much they love my writing style and can’t wait to read my hash all they time, so I will start with telling you that we all met up at the Aptos St BBQ in Aptos which is the second location of the Mission St BBQ in Santa Cruz, a popular place for locals and visitors alike and then after we all met up and had a few beers Twisted took off to finish his pre-laid trail, but not without ditching his dog with Thmp-Thmp because managing a pre-lay and a dog is a lot for any half mind and then after we all thought it was long enough the pack took off and we stumbled across our first check which was at the entrance to Nisene Marks, it was quickly solved (or so we thought) and the entire pack started to run down hill on Spreckles heading towards the water, we passed street after street after street until in the distance we saw the two FRB’s, Dung Fu Grip and Cock Throbbin turn around to face us and this is when we knew we were in trouble, the entire pack had to turn around since they found a nice little YBF (You’ve Been Fisted) and so as we are running back I see thmp-thmp and our visitor Clownmydia from Portland, Oregon chatting it up with a couple of guys who were smoking something which apparently turned into the first guerilla beer check on trail and so we all go up this hill, or at least all of us expect TIMMY!!! who believed the mis-guiding street signs and went off trail but luckily wondered back onto trail somewhere; so up the hill we go back to Soquel Drive and find ourselves back at the first check where there are now new marks at leading us towards Nisene Marks and so the pack follows the marks and there is Twisted with his shit eating grin laughing at all of us for running up and down Spreckles when true trail was really only about three-quarters of a mile long, I overheard Finger Nips call him a genius (which she was later given a down-down for) and I soon learned of a second guerilla beer check which transpired in front of the home of Just Kate and Just Jackson who claim they forgot hashing is on Thursday nights despite the email and Facebook invitations they receive, but at least they are kind and share beer with the people who read their email before sending it directly to the trash folder; so after a little fun and games we headed off to religion where we celebrated the arrival of a new virgin, Mirit and her dog Mosey who haven’t seen seen since and maybe this is because the beer fairy, Cock Throbbin didn’t give her a big enough pour, we had one backslider that evening, New Kids on My Cock and then the pack was drunk and out of control so things were wrapped up and a bunch of the group headed back to Aptos BBQ to grab some munchins and libations before calling it an evening and that’s about all there was folks!
A handful of hashers made it all the way to Aptos last Thursday night for Hash 793. It was Just Enzo’s naming hash, and Twisted Fister and The Human Pube were his co-hares.
Hashers met at Burger where they could look out on a scenic view from the deck. It was a charming scene until one dog had more than his fill and covered most of the floor in puke. That’s when hashers decided to round up.
The hares had left earlier with only one instruction, “Do it all or you’ll miss liquor check.” They know how to get hashers to listen!
Trail started out through a creek and took hashers into the woods, through graffiti-lined tunnels where they had to watch for ticks and poison ivy.
Hashers choked down some brandy at Liquor Check before heading back out on trail.
Trail wound through the woods some more then dumped hashers out onto the Aptos streets. Some (un)lucky hashers followed a YBF at the top of a long hill before turning around to find beer check in an empty dirt parking lot.
Religion was just a short walk away. Religious Advisor, Accuprick, deemed FingerNips beer fairy for the evening. Dung Fu was called out for the crime of chivalry, Timmy!! was seeing UFOs, and Just Dan and Just Pauline were called up for being just crazy enough to attend their second hash.
The Hares were called up for their shitty trail that earned Just Enzo his new hash name: Toilet Baby. He loved that creek enough to make the name fit.
On-On-On was back at Burger where hashers settled in for another beer and maybe another after that…as hashers do.
It doesn’t take much for hashers to make fools of themselves. We are halfminds after all. The Anal Lampshade hash is the perfect opportunity to throw a lampshade on your head and run around town like a bunch of fools. Ho to Housewife was scheduled to co-hare, but was under the weather. Too much partying at Betty Ford! Dung Fu Grip agreed to fill in at the last minute to hare with Cock Throbbin’. It was a small pack this week. A lot of hashers were still hung over from Betty Ford. It sounds like everyone survived the weekend despite the ungodly 100 degree heat. If I am correct, this might be Surf City’s first visit to KC’s Sports Bar & Lounge on Pacific Ave. It might be the last. There were plenty of fashionable bedazzled lampshades this year. I went for the pink, feather Vegas show girl look. Hugh Heifer sported a bovine inspired shade that captured the essence of her hippy vegetarian cow persona. Fingernips wore a really tall lampshade that lit up. It was definitely a fashion statement. Luckily she’s not tall or she would have issues getting through doorways. Pink Cherry Licker and Fap Jack had a mod vibe going on with their Devo inspired shades. dBASED sported a little kid inspired shade with crayon drawings on it. Occasional Rapist, TIMMY!!! and Cock Throbbin” went for the clean look. Stylish but not fancy. Dung Fu Grip had rabbit ears sticking out the top of his. Wicked Retahted attached his shade to a baseball helmet, so it didn’t fall off. My Little Bony wore a red Fez. But the best had to be Banana Basher’s bubble making frog lampshade!
My GPS logged trail at 4 miles. It went across the river to the lamp store for a group photo. Banana Basher, My Little Bony and Wicked Retahted walked across the street to the nearest bar. The rest of the pack crossed the street, followed trail down Dakota, to Broadway. It went several blocks down Broadway, across Ocean Street, then left on Ocean View to Soquel near Shoppers Corner. We crossed Soquel to North Branicforte. There was a tricky right turn through some parking lot, to a nasty bum wine check. The rest of trail was a big loop, on that side of Soquel, around those neighborhoods, down the big hill on Berkeley Way, to a beer check on the trail along the Branciforte Creek.
Religion was on top of Oswald’s Parking Garage. Dung Fu Grip did double duty and also served a RA for the evening. Hugh Heifer was Beer Fairy. TIMMY!!! was called up for a down down. I don’t remember why. He changed into sweats that made him look like an old guy from a nursing home. Luckily he remembered to bring beer and chips!dBASED was called up for shooting off his mouth. What else is new? He told the hares how he “almost caught them”, but didn’t. Hugh Heifer drank for auto hashing for 3 whole blocks. Since most of the pack went to Betty Ford, Yours Truly, Dog Breath, Banana Basher and My Little Bony drank for not going to Betty Ford. Wicked Retahted, Banana and Bony drank for not doing trail and not making it to beer check. There were several Analversaries! Cock Throbbin’ for 25, Dung Fu Grip for 100, Dog Breath for 250, and Puff the Magic Drag Queen for 775 Surf City Hashes! Get a life! And last but not least, the Hares………………
This week, the hash started from the Crape Place. Our Hare was none other than hash founder, the infamous Banana Basher. He may be a semi-retired hasher, but can still lay a shitty trail with the best of them. It was a smaller pack than usual since several hash “regulars” had already left for Betty Ford. Many of which are still hung over days later. I’m sure we’ll see photographic evidence of trail # 790 as soon as Puff the Magic Drag Queen gets around to posting them. Hope he wasn’t one of the hashers who got heat stroke in Palm Springs in the 100 degree weather. Mother’s Little Felcher showed up with Just Brook in a stroller. My Little Bony, New Kids on my Cock and Waxi Pad showed up too.
My GPS measured trail at 2.99 miles. It started by going down Soquel, then across the street up Morrissey. We did a loop around that area and came back to Soquel, went across Walgreens parking lot and down to Arena Gulch. There were a bunch of cows grazing down there so Hugh Heifer got to visit with some of her bovine cousins! Trail continued across the new bridge to Broadway. There was a check on the corner of Broadway and Fredrick Streets. Some hashers thought trail went left down Fredrick Street, so I prematurely kicked the check. They were wrong. Trail went actually right on Fredrick Street. I tried to fix it, but later we found out that dBASED never found beer check because her got lost. Serves him right, don’t you think? Beer check was at the Star of the Sea Park. Banana saw dBASED running around lost and just laughed. Him. Him. Fuck Him…
Religion was back at Puff’s abode. Dung Fu Grip was RA, and Occasional Rapist was Beer Fairy. Broke Bench Mountain got called out for wearing new shoes and christened them with shitty beer. Backsliders Banana Basher, Stub Rub, Summer’s Yeast, My Little Bony and Mother’s Little Felcher were punished with a down down. Dung Fu Grip was called out for arriving late to the hash and running a 6:30 pace to catch the pack. That bastard is fast! He made it to beer check right after the FRB’s. dBASED drank for not making it to beer check. He blamed me for fucking him over by marking the check in the wrong direction. There were many hashers behind him and they figured it out an didn’t get lost. Fingernips drank for going out for dinner instead of doing trail. Eyeful Hands from Can’d Hash showed up at religion because he was going to get a ride to Betty Ford. Banana put out a challenge to all hashers attending Betty Ford. He offered to buy a case of beer for any Surf City Hasher who passes out in the parking lot (with photographic evidence as proof). We’ll see if anyone won that challenge! And the Hares…………………..
And now for the aftermath: A couple days after the hash, Banana Basher shared a post written in a Santa Cruz neighborhood email group. Apparently a paranoid resident was upset about the “white powder” in the area and thinks we’re a bunch of sick people poisoning dogs with organophosphate. They told people to call 911 if they see any more white powder around . Luckily no cops showed up at Puff’s and there was no anthrax hazmat scare. Banana posted a reply to try to explain what it was. It’s only flour man!
Speaking of Hares, we haven’t heard from this week’s Hares. I didn’t see a trail announcement for this week. Maybe it’s an April Fool’s joke and they want to keep us guessing. More likely the Hares are still hung over from Betty Ford. Word on the street says we will have a trail and Cock Throbbin’ and Dung Fu Grip will announce something soon.