Monthly Archives: August 2013

Hash Trash # 700: The M Word Hash on August 24, 2013

Congratulations dBASED and Occasional Rapist!  Wishing you shiggy- free marital bliss!  May your livers stay strong and your trail go on forever!   It was a hell of a party!  Here’s a recap of the weekend events.




Friday Night:  Bachelorette Pub Crawl

The festivities started the night before with a Harriette bachelorette pub crawl.  Occasional Rapist was adorned in a lighted pink penis ensemble. 

Dirty Dolmas, Hugh Heifer, Princess Di (arrhea), Wet Feral Pussy, Pink Cherry Licker, Just Ciarra and yours truly had a great night!  We met at Dirty Dolma’s house and started with wine, champagne and Hugh Heifer’s famous Jell-O shots.   The bride practiced for her wedding night with pink penis cupcakes.   Once warmed up, the pack headed to the Red Room for blow Job shots.  Thmp-Thmp and TIMMY!! were there to witness this.  Only Princess Di (arrhea) was able to fit the extra-large shot glass around her mouth to drink the shot with no hands.  TIMMY!!! Looked on, horrified that his daughter was part of the entourage.  We picked up Wicked Retahted there too.  He didn’t mind being one of the girls.  The rowdy gals took the beach trolley down to the boardwalk and stopped in Coasters for another drink, before the boardwalk concert.   The bride used one of her Bachelorette game cards to get some guy to buy her a drink.  I had the band talked into being a part of a cute butt contest, but we had to leave to get to the concert.  Glad we didn’t miss the concert.  Eddie Money was great!  Afterwards, the drunken Harreittes stumbled on back downtown and went to Tampico for pitchers of margaritas and food.  Thanks to the husbands for making sure all the lovely ladies got home safely!

Saturday:  The M Word Hash

Hashers were instructed to wear white and arrived at Pearl Necklace and Last Call Norm’s house at 2:30.  The back yard looked awesome!  Shiny Snail Trail and Diddler on the Roofie worked hard on all the decorations.   Waxi Pad and the band were setting up, the keg was tapped, and the party was underway.

The hares left at 3:30.  There were 3 trails.  dBASED was the hare of the eagle trail (with help from Hot Wheels).  Occasional Rapist was the hare for the turkey trail, and Pink Cherry Licker was the hare for the chicken trail.  All 3 trails started out going in the same direction, through Seabright neighborhoods, and then split off.  I can’t speak for hashers who did the chicken trail or the turkey trail, but I’m going to take a wild guess that they were drier and happier than the hashers who were stupid enough to do the dBASED eagle trail.  I was one of those stupid hashers.  The trail lead down to Seabright Beach along the sand then came to a water crossing.  This was no ordinary creek or stream.  This was the point where the San Lorenzo River went into the Ocean and the water was chest deep.

The families on the beach got a real freak show when they saw a guy in a white dress (Virgin bobby from Can’d Hash), me in my tutu, Just Ciarra in her rainbow undies and Shiny Snail Trail coming out of the water with a big penis drawn on her shirt, and “on in” written on her butt.  Diddler on the Roofie found out that his Lifeproof iPhone case was REALLY waterproof and survived the journey!  I’m so glad I spent the 80 bucks on that case!  I was smart enough to not take any valuables on this trail.  Hashers had to wander around the crowded boardwalk looking for trail.  There were no marks, so some of us left the boardwalk and started looking for trail outside the gates.  Luckily we found flour and the rest of the eagles at a check in front of Ideal Bar.  Some hashers got stuck running all the way down the Wharf to find an YBF!  It seemed like the hare was more concerned with leaving the YBF than making any more marks at the check near Ideal Bar.  No one could find any flour going in any other direction.  Someone saw an arrow for the turkey trail across the street, and everyone decided to follow that down Pacific Avenue.  We totally lost trail around the circle.  Wet and disgusted, the pack started heading in the direction of downtown. 

Just by chance, a couple of hashers ran up the Front Street hill and found flour on 3rd Street.  Halla-fucking-lujah!  The trail continued along 3rd Street, and turned left on Cliff Street and went down the steps, along the river levee, across the Riverside Bridge, to San Lorenzo Boulevard, up Broadway, to beer check at an apartment complex.

Hashers returned to food and more beer, before Religion.  Pearl Necklace was RA and Hugh Heifer was his Beer Fairy.  Pearl called up all the virgins.  There was virgin Mike and Virgin Robin from NY, Virgin Cindy, the Maid of Dishonor, Virgin Bobby from Can’d Hash, and Virgin Janet.  Next, all the visitors.  E=MC Fucked, Vote for Pedro, Just Jonathan, and Mr Wiggley.   Several hashers were punished for Racism.  Diddler on the Roofie claimed “to win” when he arrived at beer check.  TIMMY!! wore a Wharf to Wharf shirt, and Virgin Bobby changed into a Team in Training shirt.

There was a brief change in RA to Stickless from Silicone Valley to celebrate some Analversaries.  Drinks Like a Bitch for #90, Terminator for #195, Shit Faced for #370, and Wet Hairs for #500!  Get a life!

Then the RA changed to Mr. Wiggley from Can’d Hash who brought up all the Monterey hashers, Boner Malfunction, Virgin Bobby and Just Jonathan.

Then Pearl Necklace took over again.  He brought up Puff the Magic Drag Queen for doing 626 of Surf City’s 700 hashes.  Get a life!  Occasional rapist was called up.  TIMMY!!! begged her not to do it!  Next were some words about dBASED.  Pearl brought up the fact that he’s always brought his kids to the hash, and that’s considered either a good thing, or child abuse, depending on who you ask.  Last Call Norm brought up the time when Hot Wheels was still in his stroller and dBASED dumped him down a hill.  Luckily he was strapped in!  Stickless mentioned the fact that dBASED lost his GPS and Stickless found it at a geocache.  dBASED also lost his other kid, Little Spit at a Monterey hash.  The kid had to knock on a stranger’s door to get help.  Fingernips was supposed to watch her.  So never ask Fingernips to watch your kids!  Shiny Snail Trail told how she despised dBASED for snaring her the first time she hared with Accuprick.  She changed her mind 3 weeks ago, when she hared again with yours truly and dBASED was DFL!  What a great birthday present for her birthday hash!

Then the wedding!  Pearl Necklace presided over the ceremony.  Occasional Rapist and dBASED exchanged a really hilarious set of vows.  I heard dBASED promise to not bust Occasional Rapist’s beer checks when she hares.  I’m not sure if he agreed to the vow about following trail.  Pink Cherry Licker caught the bouquet.


The rest of the afternoon was spent dancing up a storm to music from Waxi’s band, Premature E-Jamulation.

Thanks to our hosts, Pearl Necklace and Last Call Norm for welcoming us to their home!  Thanks to dBASED and Occasional Rapist for a great time!  You succeeded in making our panties wet.  May the hash get a piece!

On On,

Shallow Hole

Hash Trash # 704, August 22, 2013

For Hash # 704, the pack returned to the west side of town.  TIMMY!!! was the Hare this week and chose Ye Ole Watering Hole as the starting point.  TIMMY!!! confessed, that even though it’s the closest bar to his house, it’s so shitty of a place, that even HE would not normally hang out there.




After a few cocktails, the pack circled up out back, and then started searching for trail.  This proved difficult because the hare didn’t make it easy to find.  To make matters worse, some hashers got confused by the pink flour marks that were left behind 2 weeks earlier.  Eventually we were on on, crossed Mission Street to King Street and headed up a big hill (oh joy!).  A check was solved and took us left on Escalona for a couple blocks, and then into a wooded area on to dirt trails to a paved road along Arroyo Seco Canyon.   Some hashers were particularly excited to be there! 

After exiting the woods, we headed left on Meder Street for several blocks, past the Jewish Cemetery, and into Moore Creek Preserve.  There was a liquor check with a bottle of Fireball in the woods.  Whoo Hoo!





The trail continued to the top of the hill, through a pasture, where we dodged cow pies and pissed off a bunch of cows eating their dinner.  Hugh Heifer got to socialize with her bovine relatives and ask for their forgiveness for eating beef at Beat Your Meat.  I heard there were sightings of cows fornicating, but did not witness any cow porn.  The pack left the farm, crossed Highway 1 and went left on Mission Street, past the Housing Authority, and right on Natural Bridges.   Hashers found beer check in a parking lot on the right.  The pack walked to Religion along the railroad tracks to the Safeway parking lot.  The big topic of discussion was snap chatting and a TV show about a man with a 132 pound scrotum.

Accuprick was the RA and nominated Just Anne as his lovely Beer Fairy.  She was especially excited about getting to wear the lighted tiara for the first time.  Broke Bench Mountain got a down down for his usual stupidity and threw beer in Accuprick’s face.  We celebrated a few Analversaries!  It was Dog Breath’s 200th, dBASED’s 550th, and Puff the Magic Drag Queen’s 625th Surf City Hash!  Get a life for Crist sake!  A few Harriettes drank for being “attempted pussy patters”.  Twat Did You Say?, Shiny Snail trail and Just Anne tried to befriend a cat on trail.  Dog Breath drank too for acting like a dog and chased the cat away.  Shiny Snail Trail was chastised for knocking on a stranger’s door to ask for feminine hygiene products on a past trail.  Broke Bench Mountain drank again for not making any sense.  No shock there!  Shiny Snail Trail was punished for snap chatting the whole trail.  Dung Fu Grip ratted out several hashers (Shiny Snail Trail, Diddler on the Roofie, Pink Cherry Licker, Puff the Magic Drag Queen and Ghetto Man), who were not paying attention and missed the beer near arrow and went past beer check.  Hash Lesson # 1:  Follow the TRAIL, not blindly follow other hashers!  Especially if it’s dBASED!   TIMMY!!! and Just Anne were punished for wearing racist shirts.

And last but not least, the Hare!  This trail was 4.5 miles according to my GPS.  Have fun scraping the bull shit off your shoes!

On On,

Shallow Hole



Hash Trash #703, “Beat Yur Meat”

We ll hello wanker’s! Today is the drinking day! Thank god! Last week we gathered at Butt Ball and Little Anal Annie’s fine casa for our 13th, yes 13th anual-Beat Yur Meat festivities! We had a good turnout from neighboring kennels, some Just’s (Vivian) and one virgin (name?)that I know of. Trail ran about 3.59 miles (for me anyhow)  depending on who you are. Who doesn’t like to hash in Nisene?, lot’s of poison oak, but avoidable-like aids. We had beer check at the bottom-est spot in Nisene by a bridge and creek. Accuprick led us half-minds in the infamous “day of the week” hashing song, most made it to BC, we had several wanker’s decide that the Windjammer made a better gorilla check and stayed there. According to Puff we did raise a fine sum for Second Harvest food bank! So here here to all of us. Lot’s of hasher’s brought tastey side dishes to share. Pussy Toupe donated a 5 gallon keg of microbrew and it barely made it to the start, empty by the time we left for trail, thanks again to Pussy and Pixie.  Hares Cockiss and Little Anal Annie led us on a circle jerk trail. Trail back to start from BC was hell , we thought we’d never return, more than a mile straight up.  We had a hare raiser Ska Skank show of her tits for most of religion, she has been working hard at haring lately. Six o’ nine brought a virgin but left her on trail to fend for herself, Dog Breathe was her hasher in not so shiney armour and drove her home. What a guy. Butt balls and Cockiss played co-RA’s for a bit, as Butt Balls caressed his table, he called up Tommy Hilfingerher to be beer fairy. She is still visting from LAH3. We had visitor down downs, and yes Six o’ nine somehow made it in that group?why? for free beer. Gorilla check wanker’s whom didn’t bother to even step foot in Nisene=Princess, Twisted, TIMMY!, Banana, Cuff, Rhoids, Pixie (probably missed some). Waxi and Boner Mal. got down down for missing trail and any BC, really? Cockiss got his 69th anal-versary with SCH3! Way to go, they he and Ram Pam (thank you maaam) came all the way from Paso Robles to beat their meat with us! Thanks to the Master chef’s Butt Balls and Accu and anyone else that beat our meats that night! Ok and the hares….Cockiss and Little anal Annie!

Ok Thursdays the drinking day to meet up at the old Watering hole for another night of hashing! Remember Saturday is M word run, so get your whites cleaned. Oh and harriette’s come join us for a night of festivites Friday night Edwardo Dinero at the Boardwalk!

On On

Occ. Rap.

Shiny Hash #702

We brought the shininess to The Parish last week in honor of Shiny Snail Trail’s birthday. Shallow Hole and Shiny Snail Trail were our sequin-spangled hares. Pink Cherry Licker brought body glitter for any hashers who didn’t bring their own glam. Cuff rubbed some under her eyes like a disco football player. Twat Did You Say? rubbed some all over her face, then Hugh Heifer rubbed her face on Twat’s face. In essence, Hugh pretty much swapped her hippie patchouli oil for Twat’s glitter. Diddler on the Roofie was wearing a silver shirt with colorful swirls that made him look just like a grease slick in a gutter–probably exactly where he’ll end up by the end of the night. Dung-Fu Grip looked like a superhero with his long golden gloves. Which hero? FABUBLING!! Puff was having technical dooficulties with his camera, so a few hounds grabbed their phones and took some snapshots of us shimmering in the sun outside. During the shoot, I noticed a pink jewel on the ground and picked it up for a closer look. It was someone’s belly ring. Ewwww!!! Dirty Dolmas came to the rescue with hand sanitizer.

When we hit trail, all eyes were on us and our hella flashy steez. We were cheered on by honks as we rolled down Mission St. We turned on Swift to Delaware and then cut through my office’s parking lot. Thank gawd my fucking workaholic office mates had finally left for the day and didn’t catch a glimpse of me in my gold hot pants. We sneaked through a fence opening into Derby Park. The skateboarding kids barely batted an eye while we scrounged around for trail marks. Trail took us along West Cliff, through Bethany Curve and to Garfield Park for beer check with spiked watermelon juice and chocolate chip cookies. Our little party must’ve looked innocent enough to the cop that cruised by while Thmp-Thmp rocked on the horsie and Hugh swung on the tire swing (while leering at the fresh young meat on the basketball court). Riding the slides looked fun, but we wondered if sparks would fly off our asses from our shiny pants.

Religion was in the back of Safeway, the place where Shiny was named. dBASED was RA and Hugh was Beer Fairy (I think). Banana Basher told an old timey story of hashes gone by. Hugh got a down down because she didn’t bring beer for the trough AND she didn’t pay hash cash. Pinky was very disappointed with our circle formation. As she did a down down we shaped up, so her twisted plan worked! Thmp and I drank for being shiniest. Just Shannon was named Electric Labialand, thanks to Brokebench Mountain plus her pink dildo taser flashlight. A security guard was trollin’ the lot, but luckily he passed on by. Ghettoman and his visitor had a swig. Dung-Fu chugged for wanting to go through the creek tunnel at Derby Park instead of through the fence. Finger Nips and I figured heck, a man’s got urges. dBASED was flamed for being totally DFL. He did A trail, just not OUR trail. And the hares…

On on on was back at Parish, but when you’re old and gotta work at 7am, ain’t nobody got time for that.

Next week is Beat Your Meat in Aptos at Butt Balls’ and Lil Anal Annie’s house. You can bring a side dish and something to throw on the ‘cue, but it would be super appreciated if you bring $$$ for Second Harvest Food Bank.

On Out,
Princess Di(arrhea)

Hash Trash #701: 8/1/13

This week, Dung Fu Grip brought the hash to the Golf Course Drive entrance to Pogonip park.   Walking up the road I thought to myself, “Am I in the right place?”  Who the hell are these people?  Am I tripping out?  They looked like hashers.  We had 6 visitors and 3 virgins this week!  I guess most of the hash “regulars” were either on vacation or still hung over from Wharf to Barf.   We had Fine Young Cannibal and his daughter Miss England.  We had Piss Pyle and BMX from Hawaii.   Just Jordan from Trinidad and Tobago H3 who brought 2 Virgins, Virgin Mary Kate and Virgin Hillary.  We had Tommy Hilfingerher from Long Beach H3.  Our other Virgin, Virgin Janna came to the Wharf to Barf pub crawl with Pink Cherry Licker and decided since she had the drinking part down, she would try hashing.  TIMMY!!! had a large audience for his chalk talk.

Backslider Just Shannon finally showed up.  I think she’s been avoiding coming to her 5th hash so she wouldn’t have to get named.

Trail was a long trek through the trails of Pogonip.   Many of us locals never knew these trails existed.  Dung Fu Grip stated that he found the trails while he was homeless and living in the woods.  The uphill part seemed to never end.  To ease the pain, there was a liquor check.  A bottle of tequila with a bag of salt and a lime.  There were some interesting sites on trail.  Besides the evidence of homeless encampments, we were surprised to see a koi pond out in the middle of nowhere.  The first beer check was at this grove where there were numerous piles of stacked rocks.  Some of them had pieces of paper with poems or dumb shit written on them.  Not sure of the significance of the rocks.  Were they sculptures?  Religious symbols?  Were they put there by the aliens; Wickens or just kids looking for something to do while stoned in the woods.  From the notes left behind, I suspect it’s a hangout for high school kids.  The long downhill part was easier, and lead to the second beer check near the gate where we entered the park.    

Religion was outside the park entrance.  dBASED was RA, and appointed BMX as his Beer Fairy.  Dbased brought up the visitors.  BMX, Just Jordan and Miss England were the only ones who went up there.  Next, 2 of the Virgins, Virgin Mary Kate did an unusual interpretive dance.  Just Janna told a few jokes.   Tommy Hilfingerher drank for being from Long Beach H3.  Next came a lame and unsuccessful attempt to name Just Shannon.  We haven’t seen her for so long, aside from the fact that she was carrying a pink taser flashlight that looked like a dildo, no one had any good dirt on her.  So when you wankers see her again, start digging!   Just Jordan went up and explained the Poofter Award.  A tradition of the Tobago H3, and given to someone who does something really stupid on trail.  Miss England was nominated for stating “I won” when she arrived at beer check.  Diddler on the Roofie won for short cutting trail through poison oak.

And last but not least, the Hare!  He was serenaded with a lovely rendition of Happy Birthday.

On On,

Shallow Hole

P.S.  We’re going to the West Side tomorrow night!  Wear something shiny and see you all at the Parish Publick House.  Shiny Snail Trail and I are Haring.  I can personally guarantee a very shitty trail!

Wharf to Barf Hangover Hash Trash

It was Bloody Sunday at Pearl Necklace and Last Call Norm’s mansion. Our kind hosts were serving up bloody marys at 7:30am to revive the r*cists. It was a pretty good turnout considering what we’d all put our livers through the day before at DeLaveaga. Shiny Snail Trail came bouncing up and was really excited about showing off her carved and decorated melon helmet. It was festooned with mint springs, Pupperoni and matches. She even decorated Bloody Wanker’s melon yarmulke with a jaunty sprouted garlic clove.

Wankers stayed behind on the porch drinking while r*cists headed to the Wharf to Wharf starting line. Got Wood, Slownad and I walked over to Beach St. to join the massive throng of ridiculously sober r*nners. I had the immediate feeling that this would not only be my first r*ce ever, it would totally be my last r*ce. Too much damn healthiness. Occasional Rapist, Shiny and Diddler on the Roofie had the right idea on this course…they were sure to make a stop at Brady’s. Later, they bailed out of the r*ce for good at Over the Hill Gang Saloon.

Six miles later, the rest of us made it to the finish line at The Brit. Even though I ran the whole damn thing, I was still DFL of the hashers. Woo-hoo!!! By that time The Brit was overflowing. Waiting for a drink was now futile, so we rounded up Timmy!!! and Dung-Fu Grip and headed back to Norm and Pearl’s to fill our bellies with cold free-flowin’ beers and hot BBQ leftovers.

Talk back at the mansion was that Cuff My Muff got manhandled on the course by some race volunteer. As she was r*nning by, dude grabbed her by the arm, stopped her and asked if she had a r*ce bib on (it was partially covered by her jacket). She said the unexpected stop completely jacked up her finish time. Dung-Fu seemed totally into Cuff’s story…obviously because he was jealous that he didn’t get any manhandling.

Puff the Magic Drag Queen finally showed up after sleeping in all morning like a lazy sod. Banana Basher couldn’t join us, so Puff took his place haring with Pearl Necklace. The W2B Hangover Hash trail is usually only a few blocks and literally ends across the street. Good thing Puff was well rested because his trail went all the way back to his house for beer check—a whole half mile! Maybe he could sneak in an extra nap during beer check.  Hugh Heifer was a champ and carried Occasional along the trail. At least Occasional had made it back (semi-)alive from Over the Hill Gang, thanks to dBASED’s taxi. Poor Occasional was beer-stained, wine-stained and getting written on throughout beer check, so again dBASED got the car to ferry her back to the mansion and let her sleep it off.

Things were headed towards an all-out shit show at this point, so what a perfect time for religion! dBASED RA’d and Pink Cherry Licker beer fairy’d. Diddler and Shiny drank for not crossing the finish line. Hangover Hash newbies Paki Sak, Shiny, Fourth Cock from the Sun, Diddler, Bloody, Pinky, Pot Ho, and Dung-Fu all had a swig. Cumz Out My Nose didn’t make it to beer check, so she got to enjoy a warm shitty beer instead. In Occasional’s honor, Timmy!!! drank for being GM and not wearing a hash shirt during the r*ce (but he totally DID!). Bloody Wanker drank for being a visitor who was put up by Shallow Hole and Fingernips–BIG thanks to Hugh! Hugh might’ve taken Bloody in to her own abode if her daughter wasn’t visiting and her bed didn’t squeak so loud. And the hares…

For the big ass W2B finale…Shiny tried to light the matches her flaming melon helmet…


Special thanks to Occasional Rapist and all of you drunks for keeping the barf in Wharf to Barf! We killed it this year!!

Princess Di(arrhea)