Monthly Archives: October 2013

Hash Trash 713: Hashathon

We all knew it was gonna be one of the first cold nights of autumn. Some of us B to A shuttlers parked up on the hill at Shallow Hole and Waxi Pad’s house (point B), all prepared to do a warm-up trek downhill to the Next Door Bar (point A). Instead, Thmp-Thmp and I crammed into Beer Mop’s seat in the Waxi Taxi and freeloaded a ride down to the bar. On the way, co-hares Shallow Hole and Cum Pumper made us promises of hot soup, bread, cupcakes, and brownies if we survived their cold shitty trail. It was pretty clear we would be paying dearly for those goodies by the end of the road tonight. When two racist marathoners are your hares, no doubt we were going to need some re-fueling afterwards.

The bar was showing both the Sharks game and the World Series. Boston was playing in both, so Accuprick was one happy bastard. Slownad, Thmp-Thmp and Twisted Fister were catching the jock spirit because they busted out a 3-way fisting to greet each other. Just Eddie must have caught some too because he was bragging about how ripped his abs got from working the lemonade pump at Hot Dog on a Stick. Speaking of weenies, I asked Accu what he was going to dress as for Halloweenie next week. He said he’ll be “dressing like a jerk.” Of course this means he’ll be dressing as himself. Timmy!!! was outside giving Virgin Daniel the chalk talk. There is no one better to give the chalk talk than a retired special ed teacher, right?

The pack finally coagulated and hit the road. Trail went on-right over the freeway overpass and across Granite Creek Rd. We wound through my old Sunday school parking lot (ha!), crossed Borland’s meadow and ended up in the ruins of Santa’s Village. There we found a booze check of Barefoot Bubbly to keep the sparkle in our steps and cinnamon schnapps to warm our bits. It was hella dark and Ralph R.U. Crammed-In , Just Eddie, and Virgin Daniel were all flashlight-less and glommed onto anybody with a torch. They ditched us as soon as we got back to streetlights in the neighborhood, where every road went uphill. Timmy!!! and Puff were still suffering from night blindness even with streetlights and flashlights. They were convinced that every big house we passed must be a church. I know Scotts Valley is full of bored cops, but that’s not because there are, like, 10 churches on every street. There was one enormous endless hill that I managed to charge up because I knew cupcakes were just on the other side.

Finally we made it to our point B. Beer check! As we tricked in, everybody was watching for Accuprick. Nobody had seen him for a while and wondered if he’d stayed at the bar to cheer for beantown. Turns out Dung-Fu Grip was a latecummer on his bike. He’d caught up with Accu and escorted him in. What a frigging gentleman.

The beer and junk food began to flow hard. Accuprick RA’d and Reverse Cowgirlz was beer fairy. Hugh Heifer, dBASED, Just Christina, and Dung-Fu were hailed for acts of chivalry on trail. As if! Nobody cared enough to ask backsliders Just Eddie, Ralphie, Accu, and Waxi for excuses why they’d been slacking. Twisted Fister was outed for assuming a racist is someone who’s prejudiced. Duh! Dog Breath accused Cum Pumper of bragging about her upcoming marathon and the racists all drank. Accu and Dung-Fu were our poor little DFLs. Just Eddie and Shiny Snail Trail made Virgin Daniel cum. Shiny couldn’t make it to the hash and is likely in jail or otherwise had to leave the country. Virgin Daniel told a very lame joke about munching bushes or grass or something, so he showed one butt cheek in a feeble attempt to recover his dignity. Timmy!!! is a jerk for stealing the money we raised for hungry homeless orphans and blowing it all on chianti in Italy. Waxi did not make it to beer check…even though it was simply at the end of his driveway. Thmp-Thmp called out Dog Breath for his new shoes. Twisted Fister was really eager to give his shoes the sniff test. Pervert! It only took Slownad 3 years, but he finally hit his 25th analversary. I don’t think he likes us very much. Timmy!!! had a birthday. So did Just Eddie. He calls this month Edtoberfest and celebrates all month long. And the hares…hooray for Cum Pumper’s virgin lay! On-on-on was in the toasty dining room where hot veggie soup was ladled out defrost to the pathetic pack before they got kicked back out into the cold. Thanks for the hashpitality, Shallow, Waxi and Cum Pumper!

This week is Halloweenie! So you better cum wearing a costume. The start is at Red, upstairs. Trail will be on the short side so there will be time for us to cruise the downtown freakfest!

Princess Di(arrhea)

Hash Trash 712: The Great Hash Shakeout

We’re back from the undead…Thmp-Thmp and I barely escaped Saturday’s Can’d Zombie Hash and its ensuing hangover that limped after us well into the next day…

And now I shall recount tales from SCH3’s last trail where we met up at The Pocket on Portola. Actually, the place seems way less sketchy than I remembered it. But I probably wasn’t remembering too well due to carousing at Castaways and Over the Hill Gang immediately before that time. The Pocket is wallpapered with corrugated tin that totally amplified dBASED’s black death pneumonia cough so it sounded like a broken bagpipe serenading a donkey rape. Speaking of rapists and donkeys, Occasional Rapist, Wicked Retahted and dBASED were our hares. This hash was a gathering to celebrate the full “hunter’s” moon and the 24th analversary of the Loma Prieta quake. At that rate, it sounded like a naked pagan ritual would also be in the cards somewhere tonight.

Circle-up for our small-ish pack was uneventful. And so was the trail. From Portola we went towards the water, over a block, we went away from the water, over a block. Then we repeated repeatedly. It was one “ziggy-zaggy, ziggy-zaggy, hoi, hoi, hoi!” kinda trail. One you could scribble on a map like a Richter scale. There was a quick break for a liquor check in an alley near the cliffs between 36th and 37th. Glazed donut vodka. Pink Cherry Licker loves this kind of stuff. I figured she was gonna come along and want to guzzle it clear down to the backwash, so I skipped my swig to leave more for her. Plus the thought of it reminded me of a shitty motel mai tai I recently had that tasted just like rock candy. I didn’t want to relive that cruel punch to my pancreas.

One true trail mark after another snaked us back and forth. Around Point Market, a random lady told Timmy!!! and I that we were going the wrong way. She’d seen people running over by Jack O’Neill’s house (by liquor check) and said we should go that way. Her attempt to slide us back to the start like a Sorry game failed and we forged forward towards Rockview Point where we hoped to find beer check. Nope. Trail went through Moran Lake’s parking lot and cut through the neighborhood over to 26th Avenue. Timmy!!! finally ended his pissing and moaning about too many true trail arrows when we got to beer check on the beach. Some of us would never complain about easy trail markings that lead directly to beer on the beach. I will complain about one thing, however…there was plenty of beer, but ya know what we didn’t have that goes great with said beer? Kong’s egg rolls. Just sayin’.

We chugged it and headed over to Wicked’s yard. Seats around the fire were a hot commodity, so Banana Basher was kind to be the bouncer and protector of my chair while I checked out the trough. After bravely securing the chair from interlopers, Banana Basher stepped up to the altar to co-RA with Cuff My Muff. Shallow Hole’s newly-named partner in hash crime, Cum Pumper, was beer fairy. The RAs’ theme was generations. Generations of mismanagers and generations of half-minded hashers. Banana did a li’l tribute toast to our long-suffering GM, Timmy!!! and announced that AGM is cumming soon (November 14th). Ask your favorite willing wankers if they want to give us their Mismanagement services and then send Timmy!!! an email nominating them. Or nominate yourself. It’s all fair game: GM, Religious Advisors, Hash Scribes, Haberdasher, Hash Flash, Beer Meister, and On-Sec. We are also looking for nominations for Best Trail, Worst Trail, Best Beer Check, Stupidest Act on Trail, and anything else you think worthy of an award. So get those nominations in, y’all!

A break from tradition, the hares were called up early before the pack got too drunk. Doesn’t matter how much we drink, trail still sucked! Dog Bref lapped from his bowl because he didn’t have a single stupid down-down accusation this week. The young and exuberant Just Christine was welcomed. Her stepdad is New Kids On My Cock. Ugh, that is the most unfortunate stepdad name ever in the history of EVER. Virgin Erik’s mom AND grandma, Sierra Madre, were hashers. That’s some third generation shit right there.

Occasional Rapist drank for mistaking the 24th analversary of the Loma Prieta earthquake for the 14th in her trail announcement. Number nerd Six O’Nine caught the math error, but Certified Public Accountant Cumcerto did not because she claims to still have PTSD from the quake. Thmp-Thmp was shamed for cumming 100 times and Banana was celebrated for cheating death to survive 625 Surf City hashes. Virgin Erik said Google made him cum and he showed us his full moon. Pinky was rightfully disappointed that she didn’t get called up for being a next gen hasher. But I suppose that’s what she gets for stealing her senior citizen father’s seat at the fire. On-on-on was over at The Point Chop House. Sounded fun, but I had shit to do—like be a quitter.

Next week’s hashathon will be at Next Door Bar in Scotts Valley where Shallow Hole will captain Cum Pumper’s maiden haring. These racists will be sure to wear us (and our livers) out.

The Halloweenie Hash is cumming up! If you’d like a special costume suggestion, email me for deets:

Princess Di(arrhea)

Hash Trash # 711 on October 10, 2013

Chicken Toss Strike Out!

Hugh Heifer was coerced into haring this week because no one signed up, and made the pack come to Henflings in Ben Lomond.  This was a HUGE sacrifice considering the A’s game was on TV at the bar.  She doesn’t even have a smartphone to get game alerts on!  She promised a short trail and warned “racists” not to show up.   Ya right!  The Boulder Creek Hashers Pussy Galore, Too Drunk to Fuck and Get Up and Run Bitch came down from the hills.  Hairy Fuck 2.5 brought Just Sarah for her 8th hash in hopes she would FINALLY be named.  Just Anne also showed up for her 7th hash and was also nameless.  Extreme backslider New Kids on My cock showed up with his stepdaughter Just Christina.   According to the hash count, last time he was seen was 12/29/06.  We had 2 Virgins!  Pussy galore made Virgin Kristin come and Hugh Heifer brought Virgin Reto.

Trail was pretty damn short, < 2 miles.  The beer check was on the busy corner of Mill Street and HWY 9.  Hugh said it was cool to drink there because her daughter lived there and it was private property.  No cops showed up.  The walk to religion at Hugh’s house on HWY 9 was probably longer than the trail.  TIMMY!!!! was RA and proclaimed that we would name Just Sarah and Just Anne “No matter how long it takes!”  Damn!  He actually sounded serious!  Dung Fu Grip was honorary Beer Fairy and traded his unicorn headpiece for a tiara.  First order of business was the namings.  Just Sarah was first.  After a few questions from the pack, Hugh took her away while the pack deliberated.  Pussy Galore came prepared with a list of names she came up with one night when she was drunk.   The themes were her love of big snakes, her big tits and her favorite sexual position. 

The pack finally settled on Reverse Cowgirlz, inspired by her favorite sexual position “reverse cowgirl” and tendency for swinging both ways.




Next was Just Anne’s turn.  Hugh took her away while the pack deliberated names with themes around her being a racist, her love of wine, pissing on trail and her job as an engineer for a company who makes heart pumps.   The pack finally settled on Cum Pumper!  Congratulations ladies and welcome to the hash!

Next, TIMMY!!! called up Backsliders Goldie Coxxx, Too drunk to Fuck and Get Up and Run Bitch.  Occasional Rapist drank too even though she only missed 2 weeks.  She was busy honeymooning and used the excuse of being on her back!  Virgins Reto and Kristin both told jokes.  dBASED was called up for continuing to hash despite having pneumonia.  Chicken soup is sometimes referred to as “Jewish penicillin.”  dBASED proved beer to be “hasher’s penicillin.”  I can also attest to the healing powers of alcohol.  I caught a nasty cold during Jazzfest this year.  After a few beers and some good music, I forgot about being sick.

There was one analversary.  Dung Fu Grip celebrated his 25th Surf City Hash, as well as 25 consecutive hashes!  Get a life!  Broke Bench Mountain made some bizarre accusation about Hugh Heifer biting someone’s nipple.  Broke Bench Mountain drank.  What a whiner!  Goat Blower showed up at the end for a down down.

And last but not least, The Hare………………………..

Sorry Hugh, the A’s lost.  Probably better you chose drinking and didn’t watch it.

See all you wankers tomorrow at Carl’s Corner Pocket at 3102 Portola Drive, Santa Cruz for another trail of epic magnitude!  We are at the mercy of Occasional Rapist and dBASED and Wicked Retahted.

On On,

Shallow Hole

P.S.  Get your costumes out!  I’m sure Princess Di (arrhea) and Thmp-Thmp have something evil in mind for Halloween.  October 31st is actually a Thursday this year!  All hell is going to break loose!

Hash Trash 710: Return to Psycho Baby’s Lair

Traffic has been a clusterfuck lately, right? The Valleys went home and the Slugs came in. Every new Slug and their entire families dropping them off are hopelessly lost. Traffic is bad on the other side of our bay, too. Sealed Hatch was stuck in massive traffic coming over from Monterey. Luckily, this gave her plenty of time to practice her really good down-down songs. Our default hare Timmy!!! vowed to make us pay for nobody stepping up to hare this week. I feared he would also make us pay dearly for his pasta overindulgences in Italy with a loooong-ass trail out of the Jury Room. Hugh Heifer showed up with a good pre-buzz on and blew off trail to watch baseball with the Rush Inn bartender. Yep, she ditched us for a Dodgers game. How insulting!

The hounds circled up out front and hit the road down Ocean St. A few confusing checks dropped us right in the middle of the skeevyness of San Lorenzo Park at dusk. Big thanks to Shallow Hole for getting us back on trail and out of harm’s way. Well, not exactly…the sketchiness continued as we then went down the levee all the way to Salz Tannery and across River St. to the train tracks. Through lots of consulting with bums, “Hey, did you see a guy go this way?” we ended up at beer check #1 at the back of a truck at Pioneer St. next to a pumpkin patch.

dBASED soon rolled up in his car, leisurely eating a sandwich and wearing jeans. If y’all have been wondering what it would take to keep dBASED from running trail, we learned pneumonia is one of them. If it kept King of the Ball Busters from running, that dude must have the plague and we do not want that shit. Word on the street was that Ghettoman had just made it to he Jury Room and would be catching up with us soon, no doubt. We drained the beer check as best we could before leaving because obviously no beer left behind would go unfound in that neighborhood.

Around Costco, Pink Cherry Licker announced she’d just received a text from the hare telling us to go right by the Evergreen Cemetery. Most of us then shortcut straight to Evergreen, so that kind of made it a text trail/eagle trail split. We couldn’t find marks in the darkness of Harvey West park for awhile, but one of Timmy!!!’s tiny hare arrows ↑ were eventually found on the street in front of the cemetery. It was then on-up to Mission Hill, down to the Town Clock and straight into Rush Inn for beer check #2 with pitchers and hobnobbing. When the pitchers ran dry, we headed on-in back to the Jury Room. On the way, Shiny Snail Trail lunged to grab a flower from Puff the Magic Drag Queen’s hair, but tripped and grabbed at Puff on her way down. She almost strangled him by his camera strap. Ghettoman almost caught her but thought “oh, she’s got it” …Oh no, she didn’t.

Religion was out behind the Jury Room in a parking lot on May St. AccuPrick RA’d and Cumcerto was beer fairy. Shiny Snail Trail recently wrecked her car by taking out two trees and a mailbox. Tonight she only managed to wreck her knee in a fall. Hugh Heifer accused Six o’ Nine of not paying. I still don’t know whether he did because they both drank. Finger Nips, Sealed Hatch and Cumz Out My Nose were backsliders.

dBASED was quarantined from the chalices due to his horrid croup-monia so Sealed Hatch sang him a cheery song about dinosaurs with HIV. His brand spankin’ new wife Occasional Rapist didn’t feel like joining us tonight, so dBASED was punished for not making her cum. Ghettoman was busted for his late start, but he probably still pulled off FRB! Cumz didn’t do trail, but somehow emerged from the Jury Room not nearly as drunk as fellow barfly Hugh Heifer. That definitely deserves a beer.

Some sour-puss neighbor lady from across the street came over and told us to quiet down. She’d had enough of our foul-mouthed hooliganism. Cumcerto assured her we’d finish up and split. Then things moved real fast. Hare Timmy!!! was busted for making several calls and texts to Pink Cherry Licker about all the ways he’d badly fucked up his trail along the way. He even proceeded to spell his own kid’s name wrong in one of his texts. Blame it on the martinis. The burning question of the night: did Timmy!!!’s text mean go right (turn) by the cemetery or go right by (straight past) the cemetery??? Pinky and Six drank to this conundrum. Accu had his 125th analversary! And Twisted Fister had a repeat of his 25th analversary. Don’t know why he got two times the shaming and shitty beer for just one analversary. And the hare…because it was time to get out of sour-puss’s neighborhood before things got fugly. Suddenly, we were interrupted again. This time by a young lady getting into her car in our parking lot. Turns out she was leaving her ALTO DUI class. We let that be an omen that our proceedings really needed to end pronto, so we tried to get next week’s trail announcement out of Hugh so we could all wank off to on-on-on at new joint YOLO. Talking must’ve been too hard, but she did manage to take a chomp out of Brokebench Mountain’s chest, bruisey tooth marks and all. Since then, word has gotten around that Hugh will be haring out of Chicken Toss (Henfling’s) in Ben Lomond this week. There might even be trail if she manages to leave the bar this time.

Princess Di(arrhea)