This week, our Hares Banana Basher and Cuff my Muff brought the pack to Beer Thirty Bottle Shop & Pour House. This cool new watering hole in Soquel features good beer, large outdoor area and a fenced doggie play yard. The hash proved that green is the new black and it’s never too late to celebrate St Patrick’s Day. Whether you’re Irish or not, it’s an excuse to drink. Hashers never need an excuse to drink. And St Patrick chased the snakes out of Ireland. He’s a pretty cool dude in my book. A few folks showed up at the bar, but didn’t do trail. There was Ruby Red, Suck Cockran, and my lazy ass husband Waxi Pad.
Trail was 2.36 miles according to my GPS. It went down Porter St, through the back door of JJ’s, out the front door of JJ’s and out to Soquel drive. We crossed the street to Center St for a brief liquor check of Jameson. Then continued back to Soquel, up the hill to Capitola Ave, where the FRB’s found a back check that said Bellevue. The bastards made the pack turn around and run a half mile before they found Bellevue. Shortly after that, there was a Beer Check at Lions Park.
Religion was in the parking lot across from the bar. Accuprick was RA and appointed Butt Balls his Beer Fairy. The first down down was awarded to the hashers who did not wear green. The 2 Virgins, Kathy and Paul showed up in street clothes. Wicked Retahted demonstrated how to do a proper down down. He’s had a lot of practice. There were 2 Analversaries.
Banana Basher was honored for his 100th haring. He was awarded a Surf City cooler filled with PBR! Whoo Hoo! You think he would’ve come up with a better trail with all of that experience! Cuff my Muff celebrated her 175th Surf City Hash. Get a life! Virgins Kathy and Paul told shitty jokes. Backsliders, Barstool Bush and Twinkle Tush made them cum. Speaking of backsliders, Barstool bush didn’t know where she’s been. Twinkle Tush has been hiding out under a bar stool. Butt Balls blamed the Japanese for why he hasn’t been cuming to the hash. Bailas con Burros blamed Banana Basher for why she hasn’t been hashing. The pack sang a sad rendition of Happy birthday to Just Lynette. Dung Fu Grip was accused by dBASED of chivalry on trail. He rescued the virgins. They almost got lost at the back check. dBASED also drank. There was shit on trail. Cuff my Muff kicked the shit on the sidewalk. Twat Did You Say? either stepped in the shit or accused Accuprick of shitting on the sidewalk. Electric Labia Land was called up for no apparent reason. Accuprick dropped a beer bottle on the ground and drank it like a shotgun. And last but not least, the Hares………….
It was a beautiful Thursday afternoon, and everyone was enjoying the first long evening of the year after the daylight saving time switch. At the swanky Jack O’Neill Lounge in the Dream Inn there was some live music, many couples enjoying a romantic dinner while taking in a panoramic view of the scenic Monterrey Bay, and then in comes a bunch of jackasses in tennis shoes. We must have looked like some sort of drunken softball team in our Betty Ford jerseys. Now you’d think they’d be together enough to know how to run a bar in such a nice place, but do you know what I was charged for my drink? $6.57. I understand there is tax, but if every other bar in the universe can figure out how to charge for drinks in increments of 25 or 50 cents, why can’t they? Now I’m stuck with fucking pennies. Or I can tip 43 cents, but that’s a shitty tip and it’s not the bar tender’s fault that whoever sets the prices doesn’t understand that $6.57 is not an acceptable price for a drink. I might be stretching this point a bit for the sake of my word count as I totally forget I was supposed to write this and I didn’t take any notes. It’s several days late at this point so I shall just write whatever I remember as quickly as I can. Most of this is probably lies because I spent a lot of the night griping about the 57 cents, and didn’t take in much else of what was going on.
From the Dream Inn we took off toward the big round about by Depot Park. There was some mix ups with trail marks from that fantastic trail the week before. Trail materialized up into Neary Lagoon. Neary Lagoon is not actually a lagoon, rather a small lake that is 70% duck shit. We headed out the other side of the park into the Westside, right into the circle streets. D’BASED and Occasional Rapist were either blissfully ignorant of local happenings or wished to see us all shot because they ran us right through the area that had only hours before been the sight of a neighborhood lockdown while the police searched for an unstable gunman. And we didn’t just pass through. We passed by the epicenter of all of this excitement, not once, not twice, but three times as the trail wound back around on itself over and over again.
In the midst of this circle jerking in the Circle Streets, there was a “gurilla” beer check at the Circle Market. I don’t know if this was just too confusing or everyone is just broke, but no one went in. Apparently spelling counts because OR had to drink for this grave error. I hope we don’t apply the same standard to run-ons or starting sentences with contractions, or else I’m in trouble after the hasty ramble.
The trail was thankfully short and we found beer check in Lighthouse Field, just as the sun was setting. After that, we wandered back down Westcliff toward the start. We had religion under the train trestle near the Marine Discovery Center. They were having some sort of party over there and they turned the music up as soon as we started singing.
Religion was filled with lots of stories from Betty Ford. It turned out to be easier to have everyone who didn’t go get up there for a down down. We debuted a few new songs we’d learned down south, but I’ve forgotten then all. Moose Turd Pie brought Virgin Kevin. He told a long, terrible golf joke and then tried to redeem himself by singing a camp song (which he totally fucked up the lyrics to, if you were wondering). Both Deep Stroke and Dog Breath were back after long absences. The air was thick with sexual tension between them. I wonder why those crazy kids can’t work it out and get together. And of course the hares drank for their shitty trail.
I’m sure some other stuff happened too, but I don’t remember and I’m working frantically to get this posted before the next one goes up.
See you Thursday,
Hello wanker’s! Top of the humpday to ya. Last week’s trail started at Tampico’s downtown SC. I have no photos to share just yet but wait for Puff to post the hash flash soon. Pink Cherry Licker (PCL) and Fap Jack we’re the hares. It was literally the blind leading the blind. PCL promised us “an easy” trail and that we would “keep a tight schedule” since 9 of us half minds we’re headin’ to Betty Ford Rehab weekend early Friday morning. Let me skip to my trail map, I clocked 5.28 miles and I am a DFL, if it wasn’t for Twat Did You Say and ultimately PCL in the end coming to find us we never have made it to BC. Nuff said? No, we wasted 1-2 miles in the first 30 minutes because Cumcerto should have ran completely across the Broadway bridge as that’s where true trail led too. In a nut shell a giant circle thru the flats, Oceanview park then down the railroad tracks, over the tressel, and thru more side streets. Eventually leading us to BC which was at the southern entrance into Nearys lagoon. http://www.mapmyrun.com/workout/499887217 Wow! 5.28 F_ckin’ miles for a cold beer! Now was there a LC? I can’t remember my Betty Ford mind has gone numb. But there was slide action and merry-go-round opportunity! Religion was at Oswald’s parking garage. Cuff my Muff RA and Dung-fu-grip her cervesa fairy. Backslider noted New Kids on my Cock. Don’t remember any analversaries, and the Hares! dBASED said Fap Jack wants to hare with him and Dung-fu-grip someday. I’m just happy day light savings is here at last!so we can see flour more easily. And for anyone wanting to see what happend at Betty Ford this last weekend check out Shallow Holes flickr photos here http://www.flickr.com/photos/76500969@N02/sets/
I think this year was the best since we had such a good kennel turnout! Thanks to everyone who came it was a blast! On on to this week’s hash where we’ll start at the new Jack O’Neill lounge located at the lovely Dream Inn hotel at 175 W cliff drive see you all there, dBASED and myself will be the hares we’ll leave by 6:45PM:)
On On Occasional Rapist!
Slippery Slope on a Rope
This Week, Twisted Fister and Dung Fu Grip brought the pack to JJ’s Saloon in Soquel. It had been raining nonstop for 2 days. Luckily the rain stopped in time for the hash. Dog Breath returned from working in the red light district in Thailand. Beware single Harriettes! He may have brought back some microscopic souvenirs! Tiny Whiny Bitch showed up. He was visiting from Colorado and showed up late, but was able to catch up with the DFL’s.
The pack circled up in back of the bar, and took off in usual lackadaisical fashion in search of flour. We went through the side alley out to Soquel and almost tripped over a car bumper in the sidewalk. It belonged to some schmuck who was exchanging accident information with another guy. There was a check on the corner of Soquel and Main. After checking 2 wrong directions, someone finally solved the check and went right on Main, left on E Walnut and back out to Soquel. Achy Breaky Snatch solved the next check and took us right on Capitola Ave. We went quite a ways down Capitola Ave until trail turned right on Hill for only about a block, then went left on Lawrence. After a confusing check, and a YBF, the pack crossed the street and went down Oak, which lead to the trail in back of Nob Hill that cut across to Wharf Road. The pack was getting thirsty! Some reminisced about a past trail where there was a tequila check and the hares almost got caught by the cops.
There was a liquor check under a bridge on Wharf Rd. The bottle of vodka had a combination lock on it. After a couple hashers tried to get the top off, Dog Breath finally figured it out. Trail continued all the way back to Soquel. After crossing the street, we spotted the fence that the Hares warned us about. It was a small wooden fence that lead to a steep slippery slope down a hill. The Hares were thoughtful enough to put a rope to hang on to as hashers repelled down the hill. To my knowledge, everyone made it down alive. Trail continued along a wet, creek bed. Princess Di(arrhea) found a tampon. Cumcerto almost got stuck in quick sand. There was photographic evidence showing that Occasional Rapist and Tiny Whiny Bitch lost trail, but found another fence to climb. The overachievers decided one fence wasn’t good enough and climbed a 6 foot chain link fence. Not sure where it was, but they didn’t make it to beer check. Cumcerto and I climbed up the other side of the creek bed and ended up on the trails in back of Soquel High School. There was a check at the bottom of a hill. We proceeded to follow trail up the hill. Beer check was at the top of the hill. Thmp-Thmp and some other lazy fuckers refused to go up the hill. They eventually found beer check. dBASED was trying to catch the Hares, but no one saw him on trail. He did make it to beer check.
Religion was in back of JJ’s. Accuprick was RA and appointed yours truly Beer Fairy. Backsliders, Dog Breath and Finger Nips were called up first. Dog Breath was in Asia and Finger nips was moving. Next was Analversaries. Canadian Penny Slut celebrated her 25th Surf City Hash. That’s almost as bad as Slonad. Her first hash was my first hash. It was January 20, 2011! Dung Fu Grip celebrated his 10th Haring. Broke Bench Mountain celebrated 220 hashes. Get a life! Occasional Rapist and Tiny Whiny Bitch got lost and went the wrong way. They were so traumatized, they were back at the bar. dBASED did her down down. Achy Breaky Snatch was called up for her lewd behavior at the Can’d Hash. She flashed the hot military guys, but not Surf City hashers. Thmp-Thmp, Just Mike, Fap Jack were called up for trying to short cut going up the big hill to beer check. Tiny Whiny Bitch was visiting from Colorado and got called up for a down down. Pink Cherry Licker accused Accuprick and Wicked Retahted of having an Abbot and Costello Bromance. Hugh Heifer and Me were called up for being Deadhead hippies. Twisted Fister was chastised for whining about how he had to avoid the cops at Blue balls Park and carry heavy cooler of beer up the hill to beer check. And last but not least, The Hares…………..
Next hash will be Thursday March 6 th. Prelube to Betty Ford Hash Weekend! Meet at Tampico, where we will be following the slow and the blind. Pink Cherry Licker and Fap Jack promised a shitty trail!