Hares Dung Fu and Ho to Housewife are transplants from lands further east and still have a lot to learn about tide and oceanography from what we learned on this trail, or maybe they didn’t even lay trail – we’ll never know. Hashers wandered aimlessly trying to figure out where they were and where they were going, which might have been what the hares were doing too from the looks of this trail.
It all started at Coasters Bar and Grill at the Boardwalk Bowl. The rain didn’t stop this group of hashers who probably had nothing better to do anyway. These half-minds eyed the dry, warm karaoke stage as they drank up some stamina for a wet and what everyone thought might be an arduous trail with the typically oblivious Dung Fu and Ho to Housewife leading the way. Tits & Game was passing her own secret sauce under the table, which everyone wanted a sample of, of course. Accuprick bragged about an upcoming hot date as he muttered from table to table, “goin crabbin in the morning” and hoped anyone was listening.
Co-GM ThmpThmp finally circled the hashers up while rain pelted these (many) delicate hashers, most of them wouldn’t make it more than a half mile before turning back to the bar to wait it out until religion.
Still, the Hashers now wet & ready took off.
Trail started in front of the Boardwalk and it looked like things were starting off well when an LC greeted hashers right off the bat just before heading out to the beach. The spiced rum warmed hashers up as they headed on out. Now remember, it was raining, dark, and we’re talking about a trail laid on a beach. Trail was found close to the waterline and only one hasher braved the river in search of trail on the other side. The rest ran further down the beach. There was quicksand on trail and ThmpThmp was nearly lost until some fellow hashers pulled him through, which probably shocked him (as it should).
Wandering the beach looking for trail that couldn’t be found, dBASED appeared from who knows where (as usual) and told Stub Rub, ThmTmp, and Twisted Fister, “I think we should go back.” Of course no one listened, but everyone knew that if dBASED is telling hashers to go back then things are pretty bad. Hashers scattered in all directions trying to find trail. There were rumors about trail on the other side of the river, on the trestle, in the beach flats, and a washed away YBF. No one knows because no one could find it. There was probably a man clicking a button somewhere that no one found either. “Are You?…Lost is what we are” became common call and response on this night.
At this point, most hashers were back at the bar reading over the song list and trying to stay upright on their bar stools.
Shallow Hole, Puff the Magic Drag Queen, and Just Frank left the pack and found trail on the other side of the trestle, in Seabright, and down the river levee where they found a false. Puff found an arrow by Mobo’s Sushi and nothing else after so they gave up and walked to religion. They were walking in Beach Hill and Timmy! drove by in his truck and told them where the new religion was held.
Meanwhile, ThmpThmp, Twisted Fister, Stub Rub and me, Cock Throbbin, wandered around the Beach Flats looking for trail with no success. ThmpTmp thought the moon might guide him since it was his time of the month. We think it’s always his “time” so we just nodded and followed along.
Stub Rub decided it was time to stop messing around and called in some favors, putting security on the hares. Telling then, “they gotta bag & it is NOT flour, just ask them how tide works and you’ll see they’ve lost their minds.” There were votes being cast for worst trail.
The rain started up again and these half minds gave up. There was no trail in sight and it was time to make our way to beer check, which hashers guessed might be under the train trestle by the Dream Inn. I left these wankers there walking the levee to get out of the rain that much faster and as I made my way to beer check, snared a hare! It appears there really was a trail laid and they weren’t just seeking shelter somewhere laughing down on us all.
Hashers slowly wandered into beer check with a fancy vegan buffet that helped everyone forget this disaster of a trail, at least until religion started. Ho to Housewife kept asking if anyone was allergic to nuts, but everyone was a BIG fan of nuts in this group. Tits & Game told everyone to start smearing. A charming group of trestlers, who no one had noticed sharing our shelter from the storm, confused us for nice hippy folk and approached the hashers with an offer of cheap hemp bracelets. Hashers responded by breaking into song. Just Foot Pussy compared rashes with Dung Fu and won…leave it to hashers to proudly compete for best rashes. Who knows where they got ’em and no one is asking.
Religion started in the same place since there was no other shelter to be found. Led by Religious Advisor Accuprick who asked for a volunteer beer fairy, but the only service hashers know is being serviced. So Twisted Fister was selected as the pretty beer fairy for the evening.
Religion started with what was on everyone’s minds. “Anyone who did the whole true trail come up.” Big shocker, only the hares approached and were given a down down. The major crime on trail was that there was no trail.
Six Hashers went from LC to the bar…not including who was still at the bar, of course.
CheekNDong was visiting from SLUT and invited hashers to crash at his place for a future SLUT hash. Hashers have been forewarned. He was called for hat at religion and given a down down.
Courtesy Flush was called for courtesy on trail for saving a fish washed up on the beach. Ho to Housewife, the vegan, said “that’s so cute” while the rest of the hashers asked “can anyone save my fish?” Courtesy Flush was renamed, CourteFishy Flush for the evening.
Grocho Cocks was called out for peeing in circle and forgot his own name when he was called up and given a down down that he probably doesn’t remember.
Shallow was called out for her rock hard ass that hashers asked to see again and again.
Bacon Queef and Tits & Game were called up for the crime of swapping on trail. Bacon Queef gagged on her own name as she told hashers what happened then finally swallowed and confessed that Tits & Game traded her socks when she complained about chaffing on trail.
Many government names were spoken on trail and Stub Rub, Just Foot Pussy, Twisted Fister were given down downs for those crimes.
There was a Hare Snare that Cock Throbbin was given a down down for.
Hares Dung Fu & Ho to Housewife were called up one last time for what just might be the worst trail this year and given a down down.
Hashers went back to Coasters Bar and Grill for On-On-On. Where Puff the Magic Drag Queen & Cock Throbbin threatened to duet Islands in The Stream but Puff ran away before that could happen. Just Foot Pussy represented hashers, dominating the karaoke stage with Bon Jovi Wanted Dead or Alive and Hooker on Kronix, Bitch dominated the dance floor. That was the end of this hash that may still be going on somewhere, we’ll never know since we never really found it.