Monthly Archives: June 2015

032

Getting Wrecked on Rincon Road

Salutations,

Puff the Magic Drag Queen here, resurrected as Scribe once again. Scribe Shallow Hole was a co-hare and we learned long ago not to allow a hare to concoct the Trash for their own trail. Invariably, they sing the praises of a trail they contend will be emulated for years to come. Another of our Scribe Triad, that being the Illustrated Woman, Cock Throbbin’, is somewhere back in the sweltering East visiting her parents. Note they only wish to see her once a year and even then not for very long. That leaves naught but our flamed-headed heroine Ho To Housewife. Rumor Central has two theories as to her absence this week. First, she has reputedly contracted shingles. She is far too young for such a malady but if she were to have them it would obviously be due to her piss-poor diet. The most accepted cure for this ailment is chicken noodle soup. I have a large assortment using many varieties of that fowl creature. Respond to this Trash, H2H, and I’ll bring my favorite over. The second possible cause for her unexcused absence is said to be a STD. If this is true, we now know what she does on those nights she’s not out getting drunk with her kennel mates.

Most any disease would be preferable to having attended Trail 804 in the wilds of Henry Cowell Redwood State Park off (closed) Highway 9. We were not the only group of hoodlums assembled there though. Mountain bikers from far and wide descended on this remote outpost to destroy the environment believing no Rangers will bother driving up a closed road. We met a group from San Jose that had just completed their search-and-destroy mission and were on their way into Santa Cruz for beers. Well, at least they had SOME redeeming social value.

We had a fair-sized pack and I could only hope enough of them survived to have a decent Religion. Just Mirit has decided to forgo hashing for a year and move to Singapore. So what does she do on her last hash? Why, bring a Virgin of course. This goes to illustrate our old adage: A half of a mind is all it takes. Hot Wheels, one of dBASED’s two (known) offsprings, drove himself to the hash as he no longer wishes to be associated with his old man. In that case, Hot Wheels better get a car big enough to carry everyone in the pack with the possible exception of dBASED’s (second) wife Occasional Rapist. Cumfart Zone showed up after a missed week wearing little more than a bra above the waist. Just Tom stared off into space and just smiled. Just Nate and Just Stephanie stood around with sheepish grins on their faces trying not to doing anything extraordinarily stupid as this is their fifth hash and a naming ceremony is in their immediate future. Just Foot Pussy and Bacon Queef have returned to the fold after their honeymoon to Alaska and Hawaii. I’m certain they are now finding out what the expression ‘The honeymoon is over’ really means. Conspicuous in her absence was Princess Di(arrhea).  Thmp-Thmp was somewhat vague as to why she chose not to attend but claimed it was not a pattern to be repeated again anytime soon. Maybe she has the same ailment Ho To Housewife has contracted.

008Above we see harried hares recoiling from questions asked during Instructions of Trail.

While the pack was left unsatisfied, at least it prompted the hares to finally leave.

There can be precious little details related about trail as we simply followed the Rincon Road Trail to the depths of the San Lorenzo River Gorge. There were a number of river crossings on the Eagle Trail.016023

 

 

 

 

 

Here we see but a few of the dangerous traversals of the San Lorenzo River the clan was coerced into. As if they are not inherently dangerous enough on their own merits, you can see Cumcerto carrying the leftover from Liquor Check, a bottle she sucked on profusely herself I might add. She began swaying as if she was becoming unhinged from this earth and Just Foot Pussy flew to her rescue. Of course all he did was take the bottle from her and left her to fend for herself in the raging river.

There was poison oak aplenty. Below is the front bumper of TIMMY’s truck. Even the parking lot was inundated with this frequent visitor to the hash. We should probably give poison oak a hash name and be done with it!

 

009Beer Check, while scenic, was again marred by Dung-Fu Grip and Dog Breath shedding their clothing and splashing around like Cro Magnon man undoubtedly did when he was covered in fleas. Mercifully, we were spared the triple-header due to the absence of Sharticle Physics. Sharticle probably wouldn’t even have put his clothes on for the trip back to the start.

Speaking of the trip back to the start, it was the Turkey Trail in reverse. And, even worse, uphill damn near the entire way. I’m not sure if this illustrates poor planning or simple vindictiveness on the part of the hare-pair and I don’t really care because they both amounted to the same thing from the pack’s point of view.

Back near the start, Religion was convened with TIMMY acting as Religious Adviser and Puff the Magic Drag Queen as his Beer Fairy.

041Above we see these two ancient fools conferring as to whom should be reamed first. Ultimately, it was decided everyone in attendance showed poor judgement simply by driving way-the-hell up here so everyone deserved a down-down.

Here’s a quick down-down recap: dBASED for disappearing into the forest at the very first check and missing both Liquor Check as well as Beer Check, (how rare!); Dog Breath and Dung-Fu Grip for another of their infamous skinny-dipping expositions; Fap Jack who managed to shed blood on trail; Cumcerto received a No Life Award for completing her 75th hash with us; Just Mirit was given a farewell down-down, she’s off to Singapore to teach, I feel sorry for her students; Virgin Brad was welcomed, then we found out he’s from LA and just came up to ‘visit’ Mirit, good-bye Brad. Okay, now it’s time for Nate and Stephanie’s naming ceremony. Nate, who said pussy is his favorite food (I wonder if Stephanie knew that?) and his favorite animal is a rat (yuk!) pretty much named himself. Allow me to introduce…..

063                                                                          Rat Pussy

However, poor Stephanie. She spends so little time with her kennel mates, (she told me she’s scared of most of them) that we were unable to concoct a moniker for this little monkey so she remains…….

065                                                                   Just Stephanie

The Dreary Lass

And the hares…

091Shallow Hole and Dung-Fu Grip.

Shallow Hole received a patch for horribly haring 25 trails for us. She was told this would suffice for a long time and she need not sign up at AGM this year for so damn many trails.

 

 

On-on-on was reputedly to be at Bocci’s Cellar but the place was jammed with a country band in the restaurant and a burlesque (!) show in the outdoor dining area.

044By Special Appointment of His Royal Majesty “G”, this Hash Trash has been compiled and printed by permission of no one other than the author at Santa Cruz, Ca., or elsewhere if need be, on this, the twenty-eighth day of June in the year of our Hash two-thousand fifteen.

On-out,

Puff the Magic Drag Queen

Acting Scribe

Surf City H3

 

 

Hash Trash # 803 on 6/18/15

803cakeOccasional Rapist and Ho to Housewife’s Beerthday Hash!

This week, the birthday Harriettes ruled.  How lucky were they  to have the same birthday and on a Thursday!  There was a Hawaiian theme.  The pack met at the New Bohemia Brewing Company on 41st Ave.  What a cool new place!  They have great beer and I’m sure we’ll be back.  Hashers dressed in Hawaiian garb convened 803haresupstairs.   Waxi Pad and his friend Andrew were already 3 beers in when I arrived.  His friend thought we were a strange cult, so they opted for the Crow’s Nest beach party instead of trail.   Fingernips was downstairs most of the time because she was flirting with men at the bar.  Aside from hashers, there was a large party sitting at a table and 3 dreadlock stoned hippie guys sitting on a couch.  Apparently one of them was behind me when I went to go to the restroom.  He obviously wasn’t paying attention and tried to follow me into the bathroom.  I shut the door in his face by mistake.  I might have given him a bloody nose because he was holding his hands over his nose.   Luckily the pack was about to leave.

The pack circled up out back and headed out.  My GPS logged trail at 3 miles and meandered through the jewel box, down to the Capitola Wharf and followed the ocean up Opal Cliff Drive to East Cliff Drive.  There were 2 Blue Hawaiian liquor checks.  Yum!  803beercheckThere was a hare snare on East Cliff.  The FRB’s caught up with the hares.  It was rumored that if the hares write “beer near” then it’s not a hare snare.  However, the pack quickly shot down that theory at religion.  There are no rules in the hash.  Beer check was at the beach down the stairs at East Cliff and 34th Avenue.

Religion was at Wicked Retahted’s house.  There was a bonfire waiting for the pack to 803hashersarrive.  Dirty Dolmas was in the house heating up pizza, when she came out asking for a fire extinguisher.  Not sure what happened, but the house didn’t catch fire and the pack was served homemade pizza!  Dung Fu Grip was RA, and Fingernips was Beer Fairy.  First down down was awarded for Dung Fu’s hare snare.  There was almost a second hare snare.  Puff was taking a photo of the ocean up the stairs near the second liquor check.  The hares had to hide from him so he wouldn’t see them.  Occasional Rapist hid behind a garbage can and Ho to Housewife hid behind a car (with people in it).  Luckily Puff is old and probably going deaf and blind, so he did not spot the hares.   Hashers punished for missing the liquor checks (and trail in general) were Flip Flops on the Rocks, Just Walter and Just Larry.  They said they went back to Wicked’s house to start the bonfire.  Dog Breath called out Just Stephanie for wearing a r*cist shirt.  Dog Breath drank because it was only a Fleet Feet shirt, not a race shirt.  Fucked Over Fest drank for bragging about being FRB.  He drank a large amount of the first liquor check waiting for the pack to arrive.  The pack sang happy birthday to Ho to Housewife, Occasional rapist, Cumcerto and Just Walter.  Fuck you!  Pink Cherry Licker celebrated her 125th and Occasional Rapist celebrated her 200th Surf City Hash!  Get a life!  Snapping Twat arrived late and got called out for auto hashing to beer check.  Dog Breath called out the hares for littering with leftover chalk on trail.  We had a visitor.  Symphomaniac was visiting from Berlin and in town for a wedding.  Waxi Pad showed up just in time for a down down.  I drank too for being distracted by conversation and singing him a repeat song.  Waxi spent all night trying to convince his friend Andrew that we were not a weird cult.  When they showed up at religion and he saw 803haresreligionthe bonfire and the singing, he was a little freaked out.  Let’s face it.  Hashing is not for everyone.  I don’t think he’ll be back.  And last but not least, the Hares………………..

The Hares ended the celebration with cupcakes and champagne.  Right on!

On On,

Shallow Hole

Hash # 801

We started at Hophead Public House in Scotts Valley and the pack must have been ready for trail because they were rowdy! Sitting out front, getting this group to calm down was hard to swing, but soon enough this hash got started.

circle up

Hares Shallow Hole, Twisted Fister and Toilet Baby set off and hashers finished their beers before setting out on trail.

the hares

The pack followed trail wondering the streets of Scotts Valley raising alarm with whistles, yelling and who knows what else as we made our way by the soccer moms and SUVs that are Scotts Valley on a typical day.

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Toilet Baby made sure there was shiggy and water on this trail. We went over some hills and down in the tunnels.

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Before we saw the light again and found beer to help us forget this sh***y trail.

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Occasional Rapist was beer fairy. Virgin Tom disappointed everyone with a joke. Courtesty Flush was punished with a down down for bad grammar on trail and Summer’s Yeast celebrated her 25th hash.

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On on on took us back where we started at Hop Head Public House because hashers know how to repeat offend when it comes to drinking!

On On,

Cock Throbbin

 

 

Hash Trash # 799 on 5/28/15

799haresBacon Queef and Just Foot Pussy just got married and Just Foot Pussy lost his hareginity.  Twisted Fister acted as hare chaperone for these two newlyweds out to celebrate their recent nuptials with a shitty trail.  Bacon Queef had a run in with the cops on her first haring experience last year, and it was about time she got back in the saddle and give haring another try.  She also got the honor of breaking new hubby Just Foot Pussy’s hare cherry!  The pack met at the Crepe Place.  Hugh Heifer was a no show this week.  Apparently she got drunk and fell down 3 steps (not 3 flights of steps) as the rumor originally stated.  Luckily she is ok.  Diddler on the Roofie made a rare appearance this week.  Blamed work for not hashing.  Dung Fu Grip showed up in a white rockin 70’s looking pantsuit right out of Saturday Night Fever.  I think the hares wanted people to wear white this week, but no one else got the memo.  Pussy Wood told us this was her last hash for 2 months. She was all packed and ready to go to France.  What for you ask?  To study lizards of course.   Whatever floats your boat sister!  I would rather drink French wine and go shopping!  We had 2 Virgins this week.  Virgin Nate and Virgin Stephanie.   Twat Did You Say?  just got back from getting root canal at the dentist and decided to stop by the bar and numb her pain.  Some guy brought a bulldog puppy into the bar.  The puppy was immediately swarmed by a bunch of dog loving ladies.  The puppy loved all the attention.  It was really cute!  The guy handed Twat the leash for a few minutes and I thought she was going to bolt out the door with the dog.  So now we know.  Guys, if you want to attract the ladies, get a puppy.  LOL

Trail was 3 miles according to my GPS.  There was an Asian wine check, 3 fishhook checks and a candy ring check in front of the Hitching Post.  The hares put a number next to the fishhook checks to tell how many FRB’s that need to go back and give the “treat” to the DFL’s.  Cumcerto, dBASED and I got the second one.  dBASED was pissed off and refused to go all the way back to the DFL’s.  I ended up following his hare arrows and missed the ring check.  Beer check was in someone’s yard.799beercheck

Religion was  at Puff’s house.  Dung Fu Grip was RA and Dog Breath was Beer Fairy.  dBASED got called out for saying “fuck the fishhook BS” and refused to go all the way back to the DFL’s.  A bunch of other hashers accidently shortcutted trail and missed the ring check because we were all following dBASED’s marks.  Wicked Retahted got called up for passing by the boob check before any harriettes arrived.  Twisted Fister 799virginsdrank because he wasn’t paying attention and told the same story about dBASED and the fishhook.  When one hare drinks, they all drink!  dBASED drank again for telling sexually inappropriate stories at Norm’s family memorial.  So if anyone dies, PLEASE DO NOT ask dBASED to say the obituary.  The hares were in the process of drawing a big penis on the sidewalk when a cop pulled up at the stop sign.  They told the cop they were on a “treasure hunt”.  Luckily they were not carted off in handcuffs.  I got a lovely rendition of the happy birthday song.  Fuck you too!  There were several analversaries this week.   Tits and Game celebrated her 25th, 799haresdowndownCumcerto celebrated her 69th, Fap Jack celebrated his 75th, and Puff celebrated his 725th surf City Hash.  Get a life!  Virgin Nate told a really long joke about VD and dead frogs.  Occasional Rapist couldn’t wait for the punchline, so she pulled down is pants.  Fuck Ya!  Virgin Stephanie also told a joke, but it was short.  And last but not least, the hares……………….

Congratulations you two!

On On,

Shallow Hole