No checks and balances, unfettered fun for the flock. A FRB’s dream, with no checks to solve they were able to almost completely drain the Beer Check chest before the Walkers arrived. For the Walkers it was an excursion into the Twilight Zone. They saw no one along trail unless they partnered with someone, even the police ignored us this night.
We began this mind-numbing excursion from a new location, Gilman Brewing on Soquel Avenue beside Whole Foods. Rumor Central contends some hashers were seen here sampling Gilman’s wares a few weeks back but this was the first for the club as a group. While the reviews on this recently-opened watering hole have been mixed, most hashers were more concerned with the impending trail and had pretty much already ‘written’ their reviews about trail. First, we have senior hare Occasional Rapist. She openly admits she has no interest in running, that’s not what she’s here for, and may well excessively employ pre-lay. Then there’s Cum You Will Not. She has mentioned many times she considers all this running stuff to be complete bullshit and that her only reason for being here is that she lives for themed hashes. She even disgraces her dog by dressing him like a fool in addition to herself. That brings us to the third leg in this tri-powered terror, Just Lisa Maire. This will be her sixth hash and her first was over two years ago! Two YEARS?!? Really now, please tell me what this person knows about trail laying! She doesn’t even have all the markings down and now she is to be our hare. Oh, I know, I know. The Rapist and Cum Not will be accompanying her. But, for some reason, that just doesn’t fill me with confidence either.
Bearing the above in mind, ten minutes after the announced time, those of us supping and drinking in the indoor warmth, see the hares walk through the building and start out the door. Hey! Wait, how about some Instructions of Trail? Oh, we gave those on the outdoor patio, they replied. Oh, the patio where they were two, three hashers at the most? Yeah, THAT patio, was the response. So, the hares said, Don’t worry, easy trail, no special instructions required and on-out they went.
The pack spent the next fifteen minutes settling up bar tabs and hoping trail would prove to be as easy as it was represented. While we DOUBTED it would, hope springs eternal. On the upside this week, we were treated to the return of a number of hashers we have been missing of late such as Boneless Shelter, Circle Gherkin’, Jersey Lunchbox, 2 Dicks Down, Rubik’s Pube and Hugh Heifer. While happy to see them, we intend to make sure each and every one of them is reamed for being the backsliding bastards they are. After the passage of the allotted fifteen time units, co-GM’s Cumz Out My Nose and Broke Bench Mountain rounded the herd up and moved us outside. Once there, Circleup for Introductions yielded responses from: Steamy Baanorrhea, TIMMY!!, Jersey Lunchbox, Rubik’s Pube, Hugh Heifer, Just Bryan, Circle Gherkin’, Boneless Shelter, Jizziki, Flours For Anal Bum, Pink Cherry Licker, Cold Smegma Kamikaze, Virgin Eric, 2 Dicks Down and Puff the Magic Drag Queen. As for our canine contingency, this was our most impressive outing in quite a while. In addition to Junk Puncher and Spot’d Dick co-haring, we had Swamp Rat with Rubik’s Pube, Scratch and Sniff with Cumz and Broke Bench and Happy with Boneless Shelter. Quite a respectable collection of critters! Pack out.
Trail crossed Soquel Avenue at Pine Street and went on-right to Caledonia Street and on-left until Windsor Street to make an on-left. Windsor was abused for quite a way, continuing across Seabright until an on-left was dictated onto Darwin Street. Darwin was used until Hanover Street were the troops transitioned onto the recently revamped locals-only walkway beside the under-remodel library to exit onto Gault Street and turn on-left. Our destination may just have become clear, the estate belonging to Bacon Queef and Just Foot Pussy. Sure enough, just as we arrived those very two hashers came out and joined us at Liquor Check.
Upon completing our appointed task here, we reversed course for twenty-five feet and were then directed on-left into the backside entrance to Staff of Life grocery store. Through the parking lot we went and exited onto Darwin Street and across into an apartment building parking lot. We were merely circle-jerked around the building. Gee, thanks hares, as if this trail was becoming long enough already. Once back to Darwin, it was on-left to Gault again just barely missing the trail directly across the street. As I passed this intersection, I saw Rubik’s Pube and Hugh Heifer entering the intersection. They were advised of the location of Liquor Check and to come back to this intersection to avoid the unnecessary circle jerk.
Down Gault we went to an on-left onto Fredrick Street. At Soquel Avenue we were directed across, mercifully with the aid of a pedestrian light, and on-right to San Juan Avenue. On-left there to Melrose Avenue and on-right. Half a block later, out wily hares had found a dark, dank and dangerous alley on-left to Parnell Street and on-left once safely having arrived there. Oh, but they were not done thrashing us yet. A few blocks later yet another unlit passageway presented itself on-left. This was another of those dangerous treks hoping that none of the dogs barking at us as we passed had access to our legs. This would eventually eject us onto Melrose Avenue where an on-right was dictated. Melrose was used until it’s termination at Stanford Avenue where we were pointed on-left to Water Street where the DGK marking was observed. That was a good idea as Water Street is little more than an acceleration ramp as cars fly by. Once across, everyone made it safely, we were directed on-right onto Benito Avenue. Joyfully, the BN mark was viewed shortly thereafter and we finally caught up with our hare trio in the parking lot for Branciforte Small Schools Campus.
It was soon determined this location would be more favorable as the site for Religion rather than the previously announced spot. So after finishing ONE beer, everyone grabbed another, walked twenty feet and stood our ground as the only duly elected Religious Adviser present, Pink Cherry Licker, fired up her machine.
Here’s a listing of the down-downs issued by PCL this evening: the RA herself for thinking she saw the hares and tried short-cutting by following them, sadly it was NOT the hares and she ended up way lost; backsliders were punished; Virgin Eric was initiated and Jizziki celebrated his 150th outing with us. On-on-on was…oh, sorry. Those damned hares. They were thanked for our starting point and Liquor Check but I heard no praise for the trail that did not contain even one lousy check. On-on-on was convened at Taqueria Santa Cruz and was attended by TIMMY!!, Steamy Baanorrhea, Pink Cherry Licker, Boneless Shelter and…Courtesy Flush(!). Where did HE come from?!?
The preceding was a factual accounting of actual events though possibly not as they actually occurred. One should never allow the facts to stand in the way of a good story. Do not allow the profound to be the enemy of the interesting.
A Scribe’s sole purpose is to provide entertainment to their kennel mates. Whether or not they are successful in this endeavor is still a subject open to debate.
I chose not to complicate this Hash Trash with facts thereby allowing me to extract almost any end I desired. It was with this motive in mind I recounted the events that comprised Hash Twelve-28.
By Special Appointment of His Royal Majesty ‘G’, this Hash Trash has been compiled and printed by permission of no one other than the author at Santa Cruz, Ca., or elsewhere if need be, on this, the thirtieth day of January in the year of our Hash two-thousand twenty-three.
Submitted with all respect due,
Magic Drag Queen
Surf City H3 Scribe