Most hashers, I admit myself included, looked forward to returning to Bruno’s in Scotts Valley. It’s an excellent venue, so fine in fact, that it will be the site of AGM in November. Hopefully, by then all that attended this trail will have forgotten the horror that ensued.
While the indoor area is closed,(thanks, COVID!) the outdoor deck was more than sufficient to contain the clan.
Remarkably, hare trio Wines Like A Bitch, Just Ash and Rainbow Butthole outed on time. This compensated somewhat for the vague Instructions of Trail from Rainbow. There were a lot of ‘Trail is short and fun’ and ‘There’s plenty of good scenery’ and other such promises made. I took note of the fact not a damn one came to pass.
Trail began correctly enough with a check. However, in an echo of last week’s bizarre beginning, a false was soon encountered returning the gang to the start. Another avenue of escape was found and this one took the troops past the movie theater(which serves beer inside), through the bus station and on-right onto Bluebonnet Lane. When Bluebonnet ended we were directed on-right onto Bean Creek Road. This would appear to be the logical direction as we began our circling of town to eventually return to Point A. Sadly, this was the last ‘logical’ tact employed by our hares.
The length of Bean Creek was traversed until a check at Scotts Valley Drive was observed. Remember this intersection, 20/20 hindsight informs you that you will view it again just from a different angle. Trail proceeded across Scotts Valley Drive and on-right to Mount Hermon Road. Once there, we were directed to cross and on-left heading out of town. Hmmm…this does not bode well, I fear chicanery afoot. A check at Glen Canyon Road was solved and instructed the gang to cross back over Mount Hermon Road and toddle along Glen Canyon. A quarter of a mile up Glen Canyon, Liquor Check was discovered.
While this was a welcome sight, our exit strategy is unclear. We cannot continue farther unless the hares intend to lay a Death March. Just past Liquor Check, marking put the pack in reverse to try out the opposite side of Glen Canyon in a reversal of trail. As the FRB’s and mid-packers reached Oak Creek Boulevard, two items of interest occurred; trail turned on-right and on-up the huge hill of Oak Creek and the Walkers came into view. Upon seeing the front of the pack, the Walkers completely skirted Liquor Check. This proved beneficial to them, the last thing they needed was to hit Liquor Check and then attempt the Oak Creek hill. Once the Oak Creek hill was crested, and that was no easy feat either I dare say, we traveled until intersecting with Quien Sabe Road. No, that’s NOT a typo, that’s what the damn road is called. I assume that’s a person’s name, probably the poor devil evicted from the land when the Europeans arrived. Be that as it may, it was the reverse of the Oak Creek hill. We downhilled at an exceptional rate of speed and arrived back at Scotts Valley Drive and made an on-right.
Well, at least SOME hounds made an on-right. Those members of the herd lucky enough to be a ways back found a ‘correction’, courtesy of dBASED, informing them such was a circle jerk and to instead make an on-left onto Scotts Valley Drive. Trail soon returned to the intersection of Scotts Valley Drive and Bean Creek Road. It was like deja vu all over again. Trail crossed Bean Creek and trespassed through some private property back to Mount Hermon. Here and on-right was indicated and soon trail turned on-right and into Beer Check in an alley behind Safeway. Here a sad sight was seen.
So, we held Beer Check with all the fixings ‘cept for beer! Admittedly, this was soon corrected by the hares whom, after the COVID intermission, thought Beer Check beer was provided by the Beermeister. Once things were copacetic, Religious Adviser Accuprick convened Religion. The following transpired during such with appropriate down-downs being dispensed: dBASED for directing much of the pack to shortcut; Cold Smegma Kamikaze for not bringing the black cat with him from Liquor Check; Just Ash celebrated her first haring(hideous though it was); Cumz Out My Nose celebrated her 350th hash with us; Dicky Wacker was mocked for wearing a convict outfit thinking this was our Hallowe’en Hash(!); the hares were spanked(though Wines appeared to enjoy such) for not bringing beer to Beer Check; Moose Turd Pie for his backsliding ways; Princess Di(arrhea) completed her 400th hash with us; The Human Pube for only seeing fit to join us for Religion; Baker’s Dozen’t for promising us a new song and then forgetting the damn thing. Now, the highlight of the evening, which was the naming of Just Ash. She has been hashing with us for over a year but refused to hare. Finally, Rainbow and Wines gave her an ultimatum: Hare or face excommunication! This hollow threat was sufficient and Ash relented. Admittedly, her first effort was not noteworthy but we’ll lay that on the doorstep of experienced hares Rainbow and Wines.
After much deliberation (and drinkin’) Just Ash morphed into Driponya. After that matter was disposed of, hare trio Rainbow Butthole, Wines Like A Bitch and (the now) Driponya were chided for a bizarrely configured trail.
After Accuprick declared this hash over and dismissed the pack, a good size group reconvened at the recently opened Chimichanga restaurant for further libations.
And that pretty much did it for this trail and that pretty much does it for this Trash as well.
By appointment of His Royal Majesty ‘G’, this Hash Trash has been compiled and printed by permission of no one other than the author at Santa Cruz, Ca., or elsewhere if need be, on this, the sixteenth day of September in the year of our Hash Two-thousand twenty-one.
Magic Drag Queen
Surf City H3