Even though this hash takes place in Santa Cruz county I could swear that we were literally in another state, like South Bumf*ck.
It took forever to go a few miles on some sick narrow one lane winding road to get to this homestead. It would have been easier to have a helicopter lower me down onto the property than to drive those treacherous roads…..and I’m not even talking about what happened as we tried to leave in the pitch dark blackness of the forest. Maybe I’ll talk about that later. It was traumatizing. I now have PTSD along with my usual STD. Grrrrrrr.
So, we all gathered at Drill Me’s forest compound….compounded by lots of parking issues.
The backyard was lovely, the grills were set up, the celebrity chefs were in house, and the knives were flying.
The tables were laden with all kinds of gastronomic delights. Anthony Bourdain would be proud.
After the usual pre trail lubing and butt sniffing, the hares, DBased and Drill Me were off.
Apparently there were 2 trails….one easy peasy downhill saunter for the lazy ass walkers. The other trail was a ball buster or a vaginal tingler, depending on your proclivities. Although it was a mere few miles it was as if we set out on an Ironman event. Up hills, down hills, sideways on hills, jumping across creeks, leaping over logs, scrambling bare knuckled up steep inclines. We braved brambles and poison oak and scorching heat. We trespassed across private property and around deer gates until we finally descended upon the sacred vineyard, where we can set our tired asses down on a hay bale and swig a cold one.
Oh and there was some sort of a view up at the top, but too much sweat was pouring into my eyes and I couldn’t see a thing. Waste of time in my book.
All I cared about was some lousy beer and that beautiful meat waiting for me back at the start. Yes, I am talking about Vaginal Repair Kit!!
After a proper rest and beer check most tackled the severely steep uphill back to the grill masters territory. Some crazy folks hitched a ride with Occasional Rapist and piled into that square box of a car thingy. CumFartZone, Vag and 2F*uckChuck ( the D.O.G ) plus a watermelon, hung on for dear life sitting on the lift gate.
The others squeezed inside in the little tuna can as we heaved up and down the bumpy road. Occasional R. thought it would be fun to do the whole thing in first gear, that is until the clutch started smoking! And we were all yelling “SHIFT!!”….Yes that was SHIFT not SHIT. Although we almost shit in our shorts.
Along the way we picked up a hitchhiking Princes, but she bailed after a few minutes in that lurching, smoking death trap.
Safely back at the ranch we all assembled for a our BBQ’d treats. The chefs called out our orders and the hungry hoard descended upon them like locusts.
After the crowd finished gorging themselves, Religion began in earnest.
Drill me was awarded a fake award for only ever doing 2 hashes….the very 2 hashes she has hared and hosted!! Quite a feat. Not sure that anyone else could top that.
Deadliest Snatch has a whopping 100 hashes under her crab pot and Stub Rub has half that amount, coming in at 50, poor little pathetic stub.
We had many visitors from Silicone Valley although they argued that they were not visitors and that this was really a joint hash…Ok Whatever!! Anything to make them happy and to believe that they are worthy.
It was Dual Tools Birthday so we rightly sang him the appropriate song – The Surf City rendition of “tiny buttholes” sung to the tune of tiny bubbles.
I believe that one of our own created this catchy tune.
We had a few backsliders…Jizziki – workin and hurtin, ButtBalls, Little Anal Annie, TransCunt, Curtesy Flush, Bareback Unicrack.
Bareback got some sort of a hall pass. I think she and Curtesy have an “open relationship”….nah, not really…just kiddin. Don’t get any wild ideas people.
JunkPuncher ( another D.O.G ) made his last appearance with his doodads intact. I can see you all squirming in your seats right now because ya know what that means. Get out the sharp shiny scalpel and say “Sayanara baby”.
There was talk on naked trampoline antics but everybody was cold….so we tea bagged that idea.
We thanked our brave chefs, Jizz, Accuprick and ButtBalls.
We raised some serious funds for Second Harvest Food Bank.
We thanked our fearless hares, dBased and Drill Me.
And then we attempted our new tradition of Birthday spanking by creating the SPANK TUNNEL. It was a love fest. I can’t hardly wait for mine. I’ll bring some implements!!!
Apparently some folks….like WORM….had a little issue exiting the parking area. I won’t go into details but it was ugly. Thankfully the search and rescue team (Thump and others) pulled him to safety.
Others had a scary ride home in the darkness facing blinding headlights from oncoming traffic on a one lane road.
Maybe this hash needs to be a daylight event on a weekend DAY….so that people can safely get home.
It is a great event, but once darkness descends it is very tricky to navigate those roads.
Just my 2 pesos.
Nevertheless, thank you all for a lovely enchanted evening.