Was issued to the pack at Sante Adairius Brewery Thursday the twelfth. Foolishly, a number of we half-minds accepted the challenge. Occasional Rapist and her partner-in-slime, Steamy Baanorrhea dared us to hash their trail. Later, we were to learn this was due to it’s poor quality rather than it’s complexity or any challenging components.
The sun was out and Sante Adairius beertenders were pouring quickly and liberally as the pack assembled.
There were announcements pertaining to monies raised at last week’s Red Dress and shirts and patches were distributed as applicable. For a welcome change, no mention was made of any hashers still in the hospital(or jail for that matter) from injuries sustained on trail.
Not too far past the announced time, Occasional Rapist strolled to a prominent location to deliver Instructions of Trail. When asked about her co-hare she said, Oh, he’s already left. WHAT?!? What manner of chicanery is transpiring here? Hares leaving at separate times, hares being allotted more than 15 minutes of lead time? Worse yet, it’s Steamy, a harrier capable of running long distances quickly as it is and now he gets MORE? This is manifest skullduggery in my opinion. Occasional stated Beer Check was so close the hares feared Turkeys would arrive prior to the beer. That would be disastrous and a serious Crime of Trail but hare incompetence does not give them license to arrange trail for their own personal convenience. Be that as it may, Occasional related no information of value and skipped merrily away leaving the pack with a sense of incompleteness.
Speechless, co-GM’s Cumz Out My Nose and Broke Bench Mountain eventually recovered sufficiently to call for Circleup for Introductions and heard muffled responses from the following hounds: Banana Basher, TIMMY!!, Baker’s Dozen’t, Cold Smegma Kamikaze, Virgin Brian, I’d Do ‘er, Cum You Will Not, International House of Pussy, Snake Me Anywhere, dBASED, Courtesy Flush and Puff the Magic Drag Queen. Representing our four-legged hound contingency was Spott’d Dick, Junk Puncher and Boulder. The stage is set and the actors have taken their places; let the play begin.
From Sante Adairius it was an immediate on-right through a mobile home park where we weaved our way to Hill Street. A solved check pointed the pod on-right to Capitola Avenue where the promised Turkey/Eagle split manifested itself. It’s a beautiful day, let’s fly with the Eagles and see what’s in store for them. The Eagles executed another on right onto Capitola Avenue, crossed over Highway 1 and made an on-left onto Bellevue Street. Bellevue ends and forced an on-right onto Lafayette Street which itself ends at Soquel Drive where an on-left was dictated.
At East Walnut an on-left was made which delivered the pack to the intersection with Main Street and a check. It would have been nice to go on-left to Beer Thirty but that was not to be. We went directly across onto the Heart of Soquel Parkway Trail. We’ve been through here before, as a matter of fact dBASED made us climb fences to take the path illegally before it was opened. We took a left at a fork and came to Porter Street across the street from Redz Hair Salon owner by our own Summer’s Yeast.
An on-left was indicated here followed by an on-right onto West Walnut Street. When West Walnut ends, it was on-left onto Robertson Street. Robertson ends at Soquel Wharf Road and we transitioned onto it and then on-left and on-down to cross Soquel Creek and into Peery Park. (Editorial Opinion: Labeling this hilly, dirty, unmaintained area beneath trees as a park should be an infraction of the law) We were directed on-right through the ‘park’ and onto Riverview Drive. Riverview Drive is another false naming as, thanks to the houses on the right side, you can’t even come close to seeing Soquel Creek which, incidentally, is in and of itself a false naming as at best it’s a small creek.
Along Riverview Drive, Cold Smegma Kamikaze and Puff were apprehended by Courtesy Flush…on his bike! He said he misread trail announcement and thought on-out time would be around 8 instead of 7! Whatever he was drinking at the time, I do not wish to have any of. Anyway, he followed marker and caught Kamikaze and Puff. We three made the on-right onto Riverview Avenue(another misleading name) and advanced towards the train trestle. Listening to Courtesy, probably relating the tale of woe pertaining to his most recent failed relationship, we missed the on-right arrow onto the Soquel Creek Park Footway. Suffice it to say it was quite a while before we came back and discovered our error. Trail took the walkway to Stockton Street and pointed us onto the Esplanade where we curved around onto Monterey Avenue.
Partway on-up the Monterey Avenue hill, the Eagles were directed on-right. It was obvious they would utilize the (long and steep) stairs leading on-up to Grand Avenue atop Depot Hill. The Turkey trail was little better, it merely took the inclined path slightly farther along. On-right once to the top took the troops along the pedestrian section of Grand Avenue to Liquor Check. The walkway ends at Hollister Drive which was used until Escalona Drive where the back-together Turkeys and Eagles were pointed on-right. Escalona ends but a locals-only path takes you down a small gully, past poison oak and on-up to Grove Lane which is actually little more than a driveway.
We soon transitioned on-right onto the railroad tracks but for less than a hundred feet where it was on-left and on-up to Park Avenue. We proceeded across Park and onto Cabrillo Street followed by a quick on-right onto Balboa Avenue. Balboa was taken till Coronado Street on-left and a block later on-right onto Sir Francis Avenue. An on-left onto Sir Francis led to an on-right a short block later onto Cortez Street. A short distance later the BN mark was observed and an on-right brought us into Cortez Park.
Upon completing our business here, we undertook an on-in that amounted to over three-quarters of a mile. What torture! We exited the park to Columbus Drive and went on-right to Sir Francis Avenue where we went on-left to Kennedy Drive which was taken back to Sante Adairius. Once there, Religious Adviser Accuprick fired up his torture machine. Here’s a partial listing of some of the down-downs, justified and not, he issued this evening: Cum You Will Not for a physical altercation with a woman she encountered on trail; Courtesy Flush for thinking the Hash started at 8PM; Virgin Brian was welcomed; backsliders were punished; Cum You Will Not for not knowing so much as one puny hash tune; those that opted to hash trail on a bike and analversaries. Oh, yeah. The accursed hare-pair were rightfully punished too.
Spanking the hares brought an end to this hash and the same for this Trash.
The preceding was a factual accounting of actual events though possibly not as they actually occurred. One should never allow the facts to stand in the way of a good story.
A Scribe’s sole purpose is to provide entertainment to their kennel mates. Whether or not they are successful in this endeavor is still s subject open to debate.
By Special Permission of His Royal Majesty ‘G’, this Hash Trash has been compiled and printed by permission of no one other than the author at Santa Cruz, Ca., or elsewhere if need be, on this, the seventeenth day of May in the year of our Hash two-thousand twenty-two.
Submitted with all respect due,
Magic Drag queen
Surf City H3 Scribe