The village referred to is Aptos Village.
Co-hares Accuprick and Just Sam believed starting us from Parish Publick House in charming Aptos Village would placate the pride and eliminate feelings of animosity that would be engendered by their terrible trail. While I can certainly not speak for everyone that hashed, I CAN say I heard from no one who enjoyed this trail.
Let’s critique this lackluster outing, shall we?
Admittedly, Parish Publick House is an excellent location. It has a good beer selection, good food and great ambience. Did I mention a good beer selection as well? The clan calmly commandeered the upper level which was far less crowded than the lower one and featured a bar close by as well. This led to numerous beers being guzzled by numerous hashers. While this is indicative of happy HOUNDS, it is not necessarily indicative of how successful the HARES will be with their trail effort. And this trail proved the perfect example.
Co-hare Accuprick stood at the top of the stairs and delivered Instructions of Trail to those that remained on the bargain basement level of the place. He then turned to those on the upper level and spit-out a somewhat different set of details. This either means Accuprick’s memory is extremely challenged or he was hedging his bets so that when trail was deemed a failure, he could say, I TOLD you about that! when in actuality he’d only told HALF of us while the other half remained uninformed and consequently stumbled into the trap he set. Hares out.
The next fifteen minutes passed uneventfully, TIMMY!! did not even break one single glass. We had a Virgin-of-sorts. He had hashed once before in a place far, far away and said no Chalk Talk would be required. He also admitted to being a racist and stated he’d be the first to finish trail. He vanished soon after on-out never to be seen or heard from again.
Upon the completion of the allotted lead time, co-GM’s Broke Bench Mountain and Cumz Out My Nose called for Circleup for Introductions and heard responding yelps from: Occasional Rapist, Banana Basher, Bailas Con Burros, Baker’s Dozen’t, Bareback Unicrack, dBASED, Steamy Baanorrhea, Boneless Shelter, Today Is Monday, The Arabian Goggler, TIMMY!!, Clearly Not A Hooker, Courtesy Flush, Cum You Will Not, Cold Smegma Kamikaze, Virgin John, Rainbow Butthole, Wines Like A Bitch and Puff the Magic Drag Queen. Representing our four-legged contingency was Boulder, Junk Puncher and Spot’d Dick. Pack away.
The first section of trail proved both easy and well-marked. Trail took the troops on-down the road leading on-down into Aptos Village Park to a check. Trail continued on-down into the park and on-left across the field towards Aptos Creek. This is where the evening’s first cock-up occurred and it was a rather large one too. Somehow, the FRB’s managed to miss a check and saw marker at the bottom of a hill on the edge of the park. The pack immediately converged on this mark and proceeded along. Soon though, the FRB’s returned saying they’d found false markings but the last check we were aware of was far, far behind us. We chose to ignore this inconsistency and proceeded to the parking lot after finding more marker. This eventually led the litter to the banks of Aptos Creek but went nowhere from there. We were stymied.
Eventually, on-on was sounded up a small hill and on-right onto Village Creek Road which soon placed our paws on Aptos Creek Road. An on-left here pointed the pod to an on-right onto Granite Way and on-down through the new subdivision to an on-right onto Cathedral Drive. When Cathedral intersects with Trout Gulch Road, a check was encountered. Those not familiar with the geography here turned on-left. That leads to places no sane person would ever wish to venture.
Trout Gulch took us to an on-left on Valencia Street. Valencia dictates an on-right onto Bernal Street which ends at Aptos Street and also with a check. This is when the hares became somewhat vindictive. Trail was eventually located proceeding across Aptos Street and on-up onto the tracks and on-left. This led to the treacherous crossing of Soquel Drive, Aptos Creek and Highway 1 on long-abandoned and unmaintained trail trestles. Planks, the ones not missing that is, vibrate beneath your feet when stepped on and metal grating sags under your weight. Gravel is unstable and rotted cross ties crumble as you tread upon them. This was deemed a No Fun Zone.
After the survivors completed this crossing, a check yielded an on-left onto Sandalwood Drive. This was followed by an on-right onto Beach Pines Drive to a check at Rio Del Mar Boulevard where an on-right proved the correct direction. After crossing above the tracks, an on-right onto Aptos Beach Drive was chosen. The next on-right, Carrera Circle, was indicated and the steep on-down thereof was undertaken. The gang arrived at the circle section of Carrera Circle but that did not deter this e-vile hare-pair. By skirting the barrier and infringing onto a private road one can continue along then being on Moosehead Drive. (who said ‘head’?) Thus began a half-mile jaunt along Moosehead terminated by an on-right onto Creek Drive. The terminus of this street meant nothing to our hares as trail continued into a field and soon an on-right began an on-up to Seacliff Drive with an elevation gain of almost a hundred feet. Seacliff Drive was utilized until nearing Santa Cruz Avenue where our highly coveted BN mark was seen and an on-left onto Santa Cruz Avenue found our hares lounging around a cooler sucking down beers.
After concluding our business here, co-hare Accuprick proceeded to lay the on-in trail. This actually proved to be one of the longer sections of trail, almost three-quarters of a mile long. We traipsed along State Park Drive to the railroad tracks (again) and proceeded on-right all the way back to the start where Religion was held on the tracks behind Parish Publick house.
Here’s a sampling of down-downs issued by RA Accuprick this evening: Just Sam for her Virgin haring; Boneless Shelter for explaining the intricate workings of a clit tickler; TIMMY!! awarded the Hashit; non-runners were punished; Courtesy Flush for watching the sun go down…while standing in a patch of poison oak. Oh. I almost forgot the hares, maybe I WANTED to forget the hares. They were thanked for starting at Parish Publick House but no mention was made of trail. Sensing a potential lynching, co-hare and RA Accuprick hastily declared an end to this Hash. I hereby do the same for this Trash.
The preceding was a factual accounting of actual events though possibly not as they actually occurred. One should never allow the facts to stand in the way of a good story. Do not allow the profound to be the enemy of the interesting.
A Scribe’s sole purpose is to provide entertainment to their kennel mates. Whether or not they are successful in this endeavor remains a subject open to debate.
I chose not to complicate this Hash Trash with facts thereby allowing me to extract almost any end I desired. It was with this motive in mind I recounted the events that comprised Hash Twelve-oh-6.
By Special Appointment of His Royal Majesty ‘G’, this Hash Trash has been compiled and printed by permission of no one other than the author at Santa Cruz, Ca., or elsewhere if need be, on this, the twenty-third day of August in the year of our Hash two-thousand twenty-two.
Submitted with all respect due,
Magic Drag Queen
Surf City H3 Scribe