Road Trip!
Our annual trip to copulate with the FHAC-U at their Christmas Hash in Los Gatos where we would (again) desecrate the hillside hacienda belonging to Worm. He must have a short memory or excellent homeowner’s insurance to continue allowing us ingress to his palace.
The first responders were, oddly enough, all Surf City hashers. We take the potential disasters that may befall us on treacherous Highway 17 and always leave far earlier than necessary. Soon the local denizens began slithering in though. Skid Mark was queen of the kitchen arranging the cornucopia of food that was arriving and Worm poured his winery’s latest release. The Arabian Goggler was testing the limits of his liver as usual. Little Anal Annie abandoned husband Butt Balls who had a business meeting. Driponya has made a rare quest appearance as has Gunga Dick. Chopped Liver, Ramrod and Just Gwen were in attendance. Chopped Liver also carried her yet-to-be-birthed with her. (Congratulations!) Dual Tools and Missile Anus stayed close together as if still on their honeymoon. Mr. Wiggly came all the way up from Monterey, I was not aware his probation officer allowed him to leave Monterey County. No Film was fashionably behind schedule, probably working late again. Baker’s Dozen’t wore a stunning jumpsuit but it proved more fashionable that feasible, damn difficult to unzip when time to visit the little boys room.
Some of the food intended for the face feed had already been violated when co-hares Missile Anus and Today Is Monday delivered a quick Instructions of Trail. Bring flashlights and money were the bottom line from their little speech. Well, there may have been other assertions but I spoke with no one that remembered any. Hares-away.
The next fifteen minutes, or something like that, were consumed with consuming. Name your drug of choice; beer, wine or food. I took note of the fact most hashers chose at least two of the above while some managed to find a third or even a fourth to add to their list of sins. No film at 11. Eventually though, the walkers walked out followed but a few minutes later by the runners. The runners received a complete Chalk Talk from Ramrod and then exited a long set of extremely treacherous steps on-down to Villa Avenue.
Before we light out on this trail, I’ll attempt a list of those that attended: Skid Mark, Fap Jack, Hareless, Pink Cherry Licker, Baker’s Dozen’t, The Arabian Goggler, Flours For Anal Bum, Clearly Not A Hooker, Cold Smegma Kamikaze, Worm, Little Anal Annie, Gunga Dick, Driponya, Ramrod, Chopped Liver, Just Gwen, No Film, Hugh Heifer, Gary the Shitstain, Dual Tools(Up My Ass), Just John, Loose Lips, Back Door Boys, Shanghiney, Automated Penis Mover, Mr. Wiggly and Puff the Magic Drag Queen. There’s your list of losers, pack-out.
Well, we’re here, somewhere along Villa Avenue sniffing for trail. On-on was finally given a block away on-left on East Main Street. This lasted until we were forced to undertake the dangerous crossing of East Main and onto Church Street. This crosswalk was a tad short on lighting but miraculously every hound made it. This would bring us to Los Gatos Creek Trail where we were directed on-left onto a section of trail that have no damn lights at all. After passing under Main Street, trail continued in the darkness. This was where Skid Mark stopped and said this section of trail is two miles long before looping back to town, that can’t POSSIBLY be where they intend to take us! Soon, Cold Smegma Kamikaze came back towards us saying, Back Check! Trail was discovered on-up a small path and on-left onto West Main Street. This was followed by an on-left onto Montebello Way, on-right onto Broadway and on-left onto South Santa Cruz Avenue. A short distance later we were directed on-right across the street onto a driveway that dead ends at the front door of Hapa’s Brewing Company. First Beer Check for the runners.
After concluding our business here, it was on-out back to south Santa Cruz Avenue and on-left back to West Main where an arrow pointed the pod on-left. This is where the runners left civilization behind and entered the land of multi-million dollar mansions and Christmas decorations galore. My Los Gatos geographical knowledge being subpar, I can only make guesses as to where our hideous hare-pair dragged us. Here goes.
On-up West Main, on-right onto Bayview Avenue followed immediately by an on-right onto a pedestrian walkway beside Bayview Court. This would drop us into Fairview Plaza, a small neighborhood park. After this it was on-right onto Fairview Avenue. We then crossed Pennsylvania Avenue onto Peralta Avenue. Peralta ends at Hernandez Avenue and we turned on-right. One block later, Hernandez ends at Glen Ridge Avenue where we were pointed on-left. One block later it was on-left onto Nicholson Avenue. After another one block jaunt, the troops took an on-right onto Massol Avenue. There seems to be a one block theme developing here and it’s beginning to make me somewhere between dizzy and motion sick. One block later, yes, ONE block, it was on-left onto Bean Avenue. Bean was actually used more than a block, quite a few really. We traipsed all the way on-down into town to the bizarrely-monikered Victory Lane. It’s a damn dark alley, people!! We survived though. A short distance along we made an on-right to North Santa Cruz Avenue and then on-left past some high end restaurants. Many a concierge moved to block the entrance as the pack passed. Our destination had become apparent.
Liters of kamikazes flowed like the water in nearby Los Gatos Creek which prompted Ramrod and Missile Anus to lead the litter in a few rousing hash songs. No one seemed perturbed by our vocalizations though. Then again, it appeared a substantial percentage of the patrons were intoxicated. We completed our task and evacuated.
It was on-left a short distance and then on-right onto Royce Street and one block later, but of course, it was on-right onto University Avenue. Rumor Central contends there was another Beer Check at Carry Nation’s but I fell into with a band of teetotalers and missed such. Nonetheless, it was on-in this point forward.
Once back to destroying Worm’s abode, the face feed hit in force. Everyone strapped the feed bag on and I heard no complaints about anything from anyone. I did hear a few hashers say they were pretty sure they’d stuffed too much down their gullet though. I make the assumption they were referring to food as no one ever admits they’ve had too much to drink.
Next came the tradition White Elephant gift exchange. This is always the most anticipated event of the evening and went off well considering everyone’s condition, the cramped quarters and the swapping/stealing of gifts and the resulting selection of another gift by that person. It’s impossible to keep a lid on the festivities but Chopped Liver did a pretty damn good job. This continued until the living room floor was inundated with wrapping paper and the area beneath the tree was vacated.
This basically brought an end to FHAC-U hash 480 and Surf City hash twelve-23. Religion was skipped due to all the other activities on tap.
The preceding was a factual accounting of actual events though possibly not as they actually occurred. One should never allow the facts to stand in the way of a good story. Do not allow the profound to be the enemy of the interesting.
A Scribe’s sole purpose is to provide entertainment to their kennel mates. Whether or not they are successful in this endeavor is still a subject open to debate.
I chose not to complicate this Hash Trash with facts thereby allowing me to extract almost any end I desired. It was with this motive in mind I recounted the events that comprised FHAC-U Hash 480 and Surf City Hash Twelve-23.
By Special Appointment of His Royal Majesty ‘G’, this Hash Trash has been compiled in Los Gatos, Ca. and printed in Santa Cruz, Ca. by permission of no one other than the author, on this, the Winter Solstice, the twenty-first day of December, in the year of our Hash two-thousand twenty-two.
Submitted with all respect due,
Puff
the
Magic Drag Queen
Surf City H3 Scribe