Welcome to Circle,
Circle JERK that is. Worse yet, sections of this trail were a closed loop directing us back on ourselves. Allow me to expand.
Not for a very long time have we been instructed to assemble our traveling circus at The Point. It may have actually been it’s former incarnation, Portola House, when we were last here. Whatever. We’re here now and enjoying the first sun and warmth in weeks. The outdoor drinkin’ area has been commandeered for our own e-vile purposes and the one lone mortal couple present soon beat a hasty retreat for safety’s sake. There was a good turnout and almost everyone honored the Saint Patrick’s Day theme by donning a kilt or green dress. It must have presented a bizarre sight to the mortals we encountered along trail.
Co-hare Steamy Baanorrhea was seen consulting his device’s GPS as he readily admitted, he’d never scouted this trail. It was a Circle Gherkin’ trail and Steamy would lay the (purportedly) simple Turkey section. By the time this trail was mercifully completed, it would appear that NEITHER hare ever scouted it!
Sufficiently long past 6:33, Steamy Baanorrhea (the hare that never scouted this trail) delivered Instructions of Trail. They were as vague as would be expected from a hare that has not set so much as one paw on his trail. Hares out.
The next fifteen passed as lead time always does; settling bar tabs and ignoring what may befall our bodies on trail. Debts settled co-GMs Cumz Out My Nose and Broke Bench Mountain called for Circleup for Introductions. As we already were, more or less, in a circular configuration, names were spoken in the outdoor area and here’s what they were: TIMMY!!, Flours For Anal Bum, Fap Jack, Pink Cherry Licker, Bacon Queef, Cum You Will Not, Hareless, Dung-Fu Grip, Princess Di(arrhea), Thmp-Thmp, Just Lisa Marie(soon to change), Occasional Rapist, Rainbow Butthole, Driponya and Puff the Magic Drag Queen. Our canine contingency was at full strength; Junk Puncher, Spot’d Dick, Scratch and Sniff. Pack away.
Due to hare incompetence, the following will merely be an approximation of where trail went/was supposed to go/may have actually gone.
A check directly in front of The Point was eventually solved and trail proceeded east along Portola Drive and made an on-right onto 36th Avenue. A hare arrow at Moana Way turned the troops on right and then into an apartment building walkway towards East Cliff Drive. Just as we made the turn we spied another hare arrow. Alarmingly though, this one was pointed AT us! What did we miss? The pack spread out but was unable to find a solution. A few hounds went to East Cliff ignoring the wayward hare arrow and found Thmp-Thmp coming toward them from back on 36th. He said we had turned incorrectly but he had not seen the hare arrow. We found ourselves in a closed loop condition. By now, even the walkers had arrived at 36th and Moana and the pack was milling around as if waiting for an Uber! dBASED decided to continue along 36th and pretend he had not seen the hare arrow or become ensnared in the closed loop condition. He soon discovered marker and sounded on-on as more marks were discovered and they indicated an on-right onto East Cliff Drive. Things began to get weird now.
A distance along East Cliff we were directed on-right up a mud puddle filled alley to Hawes Drive and on-left there. This proved to be another circle jerk as soon it was on-left on 30th and back to East Cliff. It was across East Cliff and onto a locals-only walkway to Pleasure Point Drive and directly across onto another locals-only walkway which dumped us onto the seawall overlooking Monterey Bay. Here it was on-right onto a dangerous section of trail. We stepped over and around people sitting on the wall, stepped onto private property and were even told to jump off the wall onto a lower level walkway even more dangerous than the first one. The only smart one among us was Junk Puncher who refused to jump and had to be lifted and handed to dBASED who lowered him to the next level down. We were now on familiar territory, we have had Beer Check on this promontory before. This time, however, we were directed to bypass this scenic site and on-up the steps to Rockview Drive. Once to the street, the LC mark was seen and soon after Princess Di(arrhea) was also seen handling the duty at Liquor Check.
Upon the conclusion of our business here, Princess directed us back toward East Cliff where an arrow pointed the pod on-left to make another on-left at South Palisades Avenue. This basically unimproved stretch of dirt curves on-right back to East Cliff where the DGK mark was laid and leading the litter on-left. This was a pointless gesture as once across the street there was no sidewalk so we were coerced into running in the damn street anyway. As we went down the small hill to what we call Moron Lake, the walkway coming down on-right had a hare arrow on it, this time pointing towards us. Had we made a wrong turn? But there were also marks on the section of East Cliff we’d just traversed. Just another trail enigma I guess. Once to the parking lot, trail took us on-right beside the lake. Partway along trail marker was seen on-left but upon inspection, it appeared to be false markings. Impossible! That would send us back to the last check which was prior to Liquor Check. dBASED, TIMMY!! and myself chose to ignore such and continue along. Very soon though, dBASED yelled, Last Mark! Trail had again eluded us. Backing up, we saw flour beside trail that apparently was intended to turn us.
We went along a footpath and soon came to more marks on Lakeview Drive. We continued along Lakeview and at the intersection with Baker Street encountered the promised Turkey/Eagle split. It’s still light now after Daylight Saving Time, let’s fly with the Eagles this night. TIMMY!! discovered Turkey trail taking Baker Street and making a mandatory on-left onto Placer Street bringing him to 26th Avenue and on-right there. The Eagles arrived at the old Kong’s Market and were unable to find marker. In view of that, we turned on-right onto 26th and eventually found marker. Sadly, we were later to learn what we found was the Turkey trail. Dung-Fu Grip would later inform us trail crossed 26th onto 24th Avenue and went to East Cliff Drive where an on-right was taken to Coastview Drive. There it was on-right to Portola and on-right there. Once (back) to 26th, it was on-right to rejoin the Turkeys at Quartz Street. Quartz was taken until it’s termination point and then it was into the upper end of Moron Lake park and to exit onto 30th Avenue. It was on-right there a short distance to a hare arrow pointing to the entrance to the sprawling Snug Harbor mobile home park. It was quite time consuming to find the first mark in the park but dBASED eventually stumbled across it. We weaved our weary way through this park and eventually came back to 30th and went on-right but a short distance and back into Snug Harbor. This time we curved on-left and came to Portola, again. Here it was on-right. Soon The Point came into view, where the hell was Beer Check? The BN mark was seen just past what was the first check of trail. We continued along viewing not only a second but a third BN mark as well before arriving at the parking lot behind the Cat and Cloud coffee shop where Beer Check was staged. This proved quite convenient as it was also the site for Religion.
Once the walkers (and the DFLs) appeared Dung-Fu Grip cranked up his Religion machine. Here’s a sampling of down-downs issued: the hare-pair for lousy trail marking, Dung-Fu for being the only one to do Eagle trail, Princess for administering Liquor Check, DFLs were chastised and Dung-Fu for running into a ladder hanging on the back of a work truck. One more piece of business was conducted. Just Lisa Marie, back from traveling the world with sister Occasional Rapist, was up for her naming. To dispense with the aimless wanderings of an intoxicated pack, the final choice was: Dirty Bean. The hares were of course again taken to task for a lousy trail. On-on-on was conducted a Taqueria Vallarta on lower 41st Avenue. This Hash is over.
The preceding was a factual accounting of actual events though possibly not as they actually occurred. One should never allow the facts to stand in the way of a good story. Do not allow the profound to be the enemy of the interesting.
A Scribe’s sole purpose is to provide entertainment to their kennel mates. Whether of not they are successful in this endeavor remains a subject open to debate.
I chose not to complicate this Hash Trash with facts thereby allowing me to extract almost any end I desired. It was with this motive in mind I recounted the events that comprised Hash Twelve-36.
By Special Appointment of His Royal Majesty ‘G’, this Hash Trash has been compiled and printed by permission of no one other than the author at Santa Cruz, Ca., or elsewhere if need be, on this, the nineteenth day of March in the year of our Hash two-thousand twenty-three.
Submitted with all respect due,
Magic Drag Queen
Surf City H3 Scribe