Now we all know…

What happens when the scheduled hares cancels just hours prior to on-out time. I will commend Banana Basher for picking up the gauntlet and stepping up to hare. I cannot, however, commend the results of his brave action. While you may consider my verdict too harsh, hold your final decision until I have regaled you with the horrors heaped upon hapless hounds on Trail 582.

The pack was beguiled by the big Banana by beginning his most recent fiasco from beautiful Santa Cruz Mountain Brewery. This pleased everyone. Even the fact Banana’s Instructions of Trail left the herd with more questions that answers, this was dismissed as indicative of Banana’s innate half-mindedness. Instead, it should have been a sign of Banana’s unpreparedness. No one was alarmed even when he wasn’t sure which of the two trails he “scouted” (we were later to learn these trails were “scouted” using outdated GPS software on his worn-out computer) that he would use. While I do not know which he finally settled on, I can say for sure that he chose the wrong one.

dBASED seized the reins of power as he is wont to do and conducted circleup. No one tried to stop him as we knew it would be the last we’d see of him till Religion anyway. Trail took the troops, and no surprise here,  immediately to the accursed railroad tracks. A check where the tracks intersect Fair Avenue gave the pack pause for a few minutes. Finally flour was found on-left on Fair to Mission Street where an on-right was indicated and then the flock arrived at a check at the driveway into Almar Shopping Center. Canadian Penny Slut, probably searching for a beer as much if not more than trail, sounded on-on on-right into the shopping center and past Safeway. Banana, in the first of many cruel ploys today, laid trail to the end of the lot and then made a ninety degree on-left rather than short-cutting through the parking lot. This brought us to a check on Almar Avenue right outside Parish Publick House. dBASED sounded on-on across Almar on Rankin Street and we discovered a check at the intersection of Rankin, the railroad tracks and Seaside Street. Harried hounds split to all points of the compass sniffing for trail. dBASED went on-right on Seaside which immediately eliminated it as true trail. On-on was eventually sounded continuing on Rankin and then on-right onto Bethany Curve where at the intersection with Pendegast Avenue a check was viewed. A number of events transpired here, none pleasurable either. Hot Wheels headed on-left while Dog Breath and Ralph Crammed-In took the on-right. TIMMY continued across the intersection on Bethany. Here’s the fly in the ointment: TIMMY has become even more slothful since his retirement. He did not search far enough down Bethany to find marker. As the pack became more and more frustrated, Puff took off to try a few side streets. Every one turn to their on-left and wave good-bye to Puff the half-mind. When Puff gave up and came back to the check, no hashers were in sight.

The check had been marked but then it was determined to be a bad mark so chalk was used to give the correction direction. Too bad Puff’s eyesight is so friggin’ poor at his age. All he saw was the flour and not the chalk. Off Puff went in a good imitation of dBASED. Ten minutes later, in an act of sheer desperation, Puff came back and finally found true trail. Trail continued on Bethany till it ends and then utilized a locals-only walkway that led the pack (minus the now-way-lost Puff) to another section of Bethany Curve.

Trail now progressed through the attractive Bethany Curve Greenbelt. Trail crossed Delaware, Plateau and Alta avenues and then made an on-right on Oxford Way. One block later, trail executed an on-left on David Way which brought the happy horde to West Cliff Drive and it’s accompanying beautiful views. However, one block later trail split off West Cliff onto Sunset Way and took the first on-right which is Almar again. One block later the gang was told to on-left onto Oxford (again) and one block later a check was solved and the herd migrated on-right onto Fair (again) where this whole disaster started. I will not make you suffer as Banana made us so let’s fast-forward nine blocks and then on-right onto Ingalls Street where we found the hare nonchalantly slurping away on Beer Check beer.

Religion was in it’s usual location on the tracks near the Brewery. Here are the punishments meted out by Mob-rule elected Religious Adviser TIMMY: Six of Nine became Beer Fairy; Swiss Army Cock, whom we met near Parish House, for arriving late and  walking along the tracks figuring trail would go there sooner or later; Banana Basher for the foolish completion of his 569th hash with Surf City; Hairy Fuck 2.5, Banana and TIMMY for having issues with chalk color, it perfectly matched the color of the asphalt, (just ask Puff!); Shallow Hole and Hot Wheels for wearing racist shirts; Occasional Rapist’s dog garnered a hash name, Nipple Butt; and Puff for being so feeble-minded and losing trail. Lastly, as promised in the Flash, I will divulge all three reasons Broke Bench was subjected to a down-down. One, he auto-hashed; two, he texted Banana to SAY he was auto-hashing and lastly, he told the story of a man he’d heard about that requested women to watch as he fondled himself to orgasmic ecstasy and, worse yet, trained his dog to apply tongue to his backside while he worked on the front. However, what I found profoundly disturbing about this story is that Broke Bench seemed to know EVERY detail about this man’s bizarre behavior. Exactly how “close” to this person IS Broke Bench?!?

On-on-on was conducted, of course, at Parish Publick House…or The Parish as a sign hanging in the window says…or Parish Pub as the letters adhered to the recently-completed facade of the building say. Multiple choice. While here, the Rapist was treated to a one-week-late rendition of Happy Birthday. This caught the attention of the other patrons, needless to say.

I was just about to send this Trash to our website when the arm went up on my mailbox icon alerting me to incoming mail. I wished I had not clicked on it. The communique was from Banana and it basically said: Puff, I know you’re going to gloss over your failure as a hound this past Thursday and blame your half-mindedness on someone else. I think you should own up to your failure though if for no other reason than to serve as a warning to others to not become too confident and to forewarn them what old age is like.

Bearing the above in mind, I have decided to relate the following tale. Puff is not longer sure he can qualify as being even as smart as a half-mind. When the Creator was assembling Puff, he said, “Time for a brain.” Puff thought he said “rain” and grabbed an umbrella. Therefore, Banana’s calling me a half-mind may actually be a compliment.

On-out,

Puff the Magic Drag Queen