Monthly Archives: April 2013

Hash 683-Pleasure Point Pointlessness


Welcome to the six-hundred and eighty-third edition of the Surf City Hash Trash. Puff the Magic Drag Queen here. I’m standing in for Princess Di(arrhea) who was on loan to the FHAC-U H3 Thursday the 26th. Good thing too, she missed a lousy trail. While I have made it a rule, whenever in my power, to avoid becoming a draftsman of papers that are to be reviewed by hashers, I made an exception in this case owing to Princess being rather attractive and I figure she won’t be married forever.

Let’s get right to it, the quicker I fulfill my duty here I can get (back) to the bar and forget I’ve wasted another Sunday afternoon telling you things those that attended already know and those that didn’t join us couldn’t care less about.

We started our latest fiasco at the Over The Hill Gang Saloon on Portola Drive. Bar owner Mitzi, knowing we’re bad people, handed off a usually financially-lucrative Thursday shift to Joanne. Many of you may remember Joanne from a Friday after Thanksgiving Turkey Trot hash. We serenaded her with a verse of Why was she born so beautiful? and when we got to the ‘She’s no fucking use at all’ line an inebriated female patron jumped up and attacked the nearest male hasher. Poor old dBASED crawled away pretty bruised before Joanne pulled her off him.

We had no where near that much fin this visit though. The hare-pair, Occasional Rapist and Wicked Retahted, handed out costume cowboy hats to everyone. Too bad they were child-size and fit almost no one. (Mistake number one) The hares left just slightly after the appointed time. Cuff My Muff was walking from her car and when she ambled through the swinging doors of the saloon, said she’d seen marker leading down 36th Avenue towards the bay.

As soon as circleup duties were completed, many in the pack headed down 36th, completely ignoring flour directly across Portola from the Saloon.  Those that took the obvious trail, that being 36th, were eventually treated to a viewing of the hated YBF mark. And it was a l…o…n…g time in coming too, just ask FRB’s Cum Rash and Just Sierra!

Meanwhile, back on true trail… Hounds such as TIMMY were laughing loud and long. By the time the lost children returned from the YBF, those lucky dogs that sniffed out true trail were far, FAR down 35th Avenue preparing to on-left onto Roland Drive.  Mercifully, a check at Roland and 32nd gave much of the pack an opportunity to catch up. Our chosen path was 32nd which brought us right back to Portola, almost withing sight of the Saloon. Yes, a three block/half-mile circle jerk.

Marker pointed the pod on-right onto Portola and then on-left across Portola onto 26th Avenue. An on-right onto Friesland Court turned into Hampstead Way which eventually brought the bevy back to 26th. Yep, another pointless circle jerk. An on-right back onto 26th brought us to…

Venerable Kong’s Market

Well, no one stopped in for a burger even though
the guy behind the counter yelled, Yo! Come on in! A check at Kong’s on the corner of 26th and 24th was soon dispatched
with and the mongrels made an on-right onto 24th. Twenty-fourth eventually curves on-left and brings one to East Cliff Drive. Here a hare-arrow led the litter on-left and, yes, soon to pass 26th.  Correct, yet another pointless circle jerk. As an quick aside, a  hare arrow also turned the troops on-right onto 25th only to find an ‘Admire the view’ note at the end of this dead end street.  Gee, thanks. This is even WORSE than a pointless circle jerk. The  pride plodded back to East Cliff and headed on-right towards Moran Lake. Just before the lake, flour  crossed the street and led us into the parking lot and then up the path beside this so-called lake. Marker soon led the litter on-left to the end of Fresno Street where  we finally found our hares complacently slurping Beer Check beer.
Our business concluded here, dBASED laid a circuitous route on-in to Wicked Retahted’s abode for  Religion. dBASED, believing he can handle all aspects of Religion, appointed
himself as Beer Fairy. That’s sort of like being judge, jury AND  executioner in my opinion. Be that as it may, here how things went. Wicked beat out Hugh Heifer  and Occasional Rapist for Best Dressed Cowgirl. Well, maybe I  should say ‘cowpoke’ instead. Cumerto was punished for standing on a hare arrow and asking, Should  I mark trail? Cumerto, Pink Cherry Licker and Dog Breath were awarded patches for haring their first trail for us. Yes, I know it’s been a long time, it took  a while to get patches. Sierra was awarded a down-down for setting  off an entire neighborhood of dogs when she and her dog Sly passed by. Sierra stayed at the  altar and was joined by Dog Breath for a down-down celebrating  their DFL status for this trail. The hares, needless to say were chastised for their trail.
Then it was off to Cole’s bar-b-q for vittles. We had a good time as  soon as we completed running off the few mortals that were eating. But no, that isn’t all the stupidity that transpired. Photographic  proof exists that Just Sierra and Dog Breath returned to the Saloon  for a nightcap and to perform cheap barroom tricks with Joanne the beertendress.
Next week will have us assembling our traveling kennel way-the-hell  out in Seascape Village at Palapas Restaurant y Cantina. After  getting our fill of chips and salsa , we will pursue Princess Di(arrhea) and Thmp-thmp through the wilds of this untamed section of Santa Cruz County.
By Special Appointment of His Royal Majesty “G”, this Hash Trash has
been compiled and printed by permission of no one other than the
author at Santa Cruz, Ca., or elsewhere if need be, on this,  the twenty-eighth day of April in the year of our Hash  two-thousand thirteen.
Puff the Magic Drag Queen
Surf City H3
Acting Scribe

Hash Trash #682

Trail 682 was hared my the sister hares Princess Di-arrhea and Cumcerto. This was the first haring for Cumcerto. We started at the one double Oh seven club bar, whew that place can get mighty smokey, but we we’re able to tolerate the room to the left whilst drinking a coldie before trail (most of us anyways). Off we went, through Seabright neighborhood, criss crossing seabright and Cayuga after solving some false checks.  Now where the trail gets fuzzy is where Cuff my muff, and Wicked Retahted and myself got lost in translation, but I think I know what happend using my special ESP. Somehow no one ever saw the check down by the tracks, got smudged somehow, so off the pack ran accross the tressle there was a YBF. There was also a YBF toward the other direction of Days Market on the tracks (we saw this after we got our bareback burgers togo heading to the old night owl bar for our beer). Us lost DFL’s ran toward the SC History Museum and East cliff. Once we got there, we said, screw it let’s go get a burger and a beer! And off trail we went. But the pack was able to navigate trail back up hill toward’s Ocean View Park, where they we’re greeted by a friendly Security guard, now where in the hell was this guy when Shallow Hole and I hared 2011 Halloween Hash? This guy was making jokes about “watching out for them Vampires” in reference to some movie called “the Lost Boys”? Anyhow, then there was a liquor check of Jim Beam, wow, that tasted some nasty, Dog Breathe grabbed it so the security guard wouldn’t change his mind about the pack playing in the park. The activity on trail was getting us half-minds to use wax paper and slide down the park slides, LOL! I WISH I could have seen that one! Make them work for their alcohol! Off through Seabright neighborhood once again the trail led the pack, back over Soquel, near the bar behind “Monkey Girl Beads” store where beer check existed. They made so much noise a curious neighbor showed up to learn all about the hash and drink a beer with the pack! Way to go! Now that’s what I call friendly relations. Religion was at casa de Puff the Magic Drag Queen (PTMDG). Accuprick played RA and appointed Just Sierra his beer fairy. Ralphie got his down down for most back slider that ever existed. Down downs for all hashers whom did not participate in the slide “activity”, then of all things Hugh and Dog Breathe decided to have a sing off of some stupid American Idol rendition. Hugh won. Accuprick reported and depicted quite nicely some good interactions with some undesirables on trail down by the tressle. And afterward, Just Sierra’s dog was found to be nawing on some dead deer leg that still had hair all over it, in the yard lawn of the house infront of PTMDG’s place,  yuk! And the hares……..

So remember we have Red Dress Run coming down the pike on May 11th, Saturday at 3pm, GO GET YOUR RED DRESS! Do it now!

Also This week hash #683, I’ll be co-haring with Mr. Wicked himself in his backyard of Pleasure Point. This is a fun Cowboy/Cowgirl themed hash so let’s get dolled up and wear our finest, bestest cowboy attire! I’m wearing boots and so is he and yes we will run in them! See all of ya all later:)

On On

Occasional Rapist

Hash Trash # 681, April 11, 2013

Newly Named Twisted Fister stupidly chose veteran hasher dBASED as his mentor for his first haring venture.   They brought the hash to my neck of the woods, to Jia Tella’s Next Door bar in Scotts Valley.   




What do I remember about the trail?  Not much.  It was a mixture of neighborhood streets, a fair amount of shiggy, hills, and believe it or not, I didn’t get lost.  and neither did the rest of the pack.


All hashers were accounted for at beer check.  We all assumed beer check would be in the parking lot of dBASED’s office, but we passed through the parking lot and headed down the street.   Twisted Fister paid off a little kid to tell hashers to go the wrong way at a check.  I got suckered into the little bastard’s lie, and found a false trail.  There was only one other way to go, so the pack headed up a hill and quickly found beer check.  We didn’t stay there too long because we were getting eaten alive by bugs.

Religion was in the parking lot of dBASED’d office.  Accuprick was RA, and appointed newly named The Human Pube and his Beer Fairy.  Thmp-Thmp was called up for not remembering the words to the song he chose for the Beer Fairy.  Plastic Pussy and Slonad were called up for getting bit by mosquitos on trail.  dBASED also drank because apparently the mosquitos don’t bite him.  He was accused of smelling so bad that even the mosquitos don’t like him.  His Co-Hare joined him for his down down.  Twat did you Say? was called up for not paying attention.  She has been distracted working hard on finishing her thesis.  Princess Di (arrhea) was congratulated on completing her 69th Surf City Hash!  Get a life!

We had another naming!  Twisted Fister did not divulge any useful dirt on his lovely wife, Just Christine.  Her first hash was on Valentine’s Day and at Religion she flashed the pack a glow in the dark mustache sticker above her snatch.   So she was named Mustsnatch!  Welcome to the hash! 

Princess Di (arrhea) was chastised for stealing a child’s princess hat from a fence post on trail.  Some little kid is probably crying right now and some pathetic mother is driving around looking for another hat.  Evidently no one told Twisted Fister what happens when you wear new shoes to the hash.  He was punished by drinking beer from one of his new shoes.  Nasty!

And last but not least, the Hares……………………..


See you wankers on Thursday!

On On,

Shallow Hole

P.S.  It’s time to go dress shopping!  The Surf City H3 Red Dress Run is Saturday May 11th at 3:00 pm at the Rush Inn.  More details on the Red Dress Run link.

Lampshade Hash SCH3# 680

We gathered at Aptos BBQ, it was quite funny to see the reactions of other customer’s as we all wore some sort of lampshade on our heads. Some of us got really into the decoration’s, while some decided just to get a lampshade and strap it on their heads in some sort of fashion. Didn’t matter much we all looked funny and ridick-luous and we love that about hashing don’t we? Well what can I say about trail, it was one fucked up mess thats for sure. Hot Wheels and his e-vile dad dBASED took us on a ride for sure. Cuff and I we’re DFL’s and discovered flour by the railroad tracks as the pack was heading down frontage road, they then turned around and we all headed back down Soquel drive, what the hares didn’t want us to do was to go up to the tracks at the light intersection by the old Britania Arms, thats where we caught the hare dBASED running back from laying trail, he sat until we were out of sight. Meanwhile Hot Wheels was running past down Soquel towards Nisene while we were roaming through the parking lot of Rancho DeLMar. We did a nice loop around Seacliff, back down the railroad tracks to the bike park and up Cathedral where we had beer check in a family friends driveway. Miles we had to endure was a little over 3. Thank goodness we had good beer at the end to make up for this nightmare. Religion was behind the OLD Antique barn next to the bike park. Accuprick played RA and appointed the new lovely harriettes Just Jenna and Bareback his beer mistresses. First down down was for Wicked, as lately he hasn’t been running trail, he says “because I’m old” , well you know what they say Wicked, if you don’t use it you lose it! Second down downs went to hasher’s whom did not follow directions or were too fuckin cheap to go get a lampshade to wear, Cumcerto, Puff and Princess Di-arrhea. What is funny about Cumcerto is first she complained on the FB hash page about everyone taking all the lampshades from the goodwill stores, but then she did get lucky and admitted to have bought one, but then in the end decided not to wear it? WTF? Where is your hashing spirit! I hope everyone get’s in the spirit when the Cowgirl/Cowboy hash comes to town, I think we need to start giving some incentives to participating, any suggestions? OK, it seems every week Kai decides to shit on trail, now partly this is Hugh’s fault, as we dog owner’s all know dogs take a crap within the first 15-30 minutes of exercising, so hello, walk your pooch before trail and we won’t sing ya the “Shit tanya” song ok? I feel for our new hasher Just Zack he was welcomed this night into our hasher SCH3 family as “The Human Pube”, sorry dude I voted for the cool reaggae name. But Welcome!! Then since we saw so many of Aptos un-desirables on trail this fine evening, we decided to call up all Aptos resident’s and or hashers that could be defined as trailer trash, so Deep Stroke was the first to go there, as she says “I don’t really have an address”. And the hares….don’t go too far, we have to endure the evil-e dBASED one more fuckin time tonight, he is de-virginizing Twisted fister into the haring world, god bless him and us all. See you tonight at The Next Door (to Jia Tella’s that is)bar at 6:33PM!

On On

Occasional Rapist

Brew 2 Brew – Hash Trash #679

In the fun spirit of Occasional Rapist’s tipsy trash last week (and for shits n’ giggles) I should’ve gotten fucked up before writing this. I should also be drinking to forget the fact that I pitifully DFL’d at a brutal SVH3 hash recently. Too bad I was still feeling off my game this week because I knew Puff the Magic Drag Queen and Timmy!!! were haring Surf City. The last A to B death march they brewed up together took us from Brit 2 Brit (crAptos to Crapitola). Well, this time their trail went from brew 2 brew. We started at newly opened Discretion Brewing on 41st Ave. It’s next to Granny Purps. Don’t even front like you don’t know where that is, you stoners! The beer was good and the place was packed. At first we got some stink eye from other patrons for over-crowding the bar and cockblocking the door, but soon enough we were making pals. Thmp-Thmp may have recruited the cashier to join us next week and Hugh Heifer’s doggie daycare charge Kai chewed through her leash to try and hang with us inside. Bareback joined our kennel this week. She’s moved to SC all the way from Tajikistan! I completely bungled up introducing Bareback to Brokebench so the beer there must be strong. Or I’m lame. Definitely both.

dBASED circled up the pack like a big dawg and sent us off to sniff trail. Somebody finally got a good whiff across 41st Ave. and the pack skedaddled through traffic. I was the only goody-goody asshole who got stuck at the light at a crosswalk so I made myself useful by kicking the check—for no one. I waited alone so long for the light to change, it was obvious I was DFL now, again. At least I wasn’t stuck with that damn bag of chalk like last week, courtesy of big sis Cumcerto. The whole pack missed the turkey-eagle split in the Home Creepo parking lot and followed the leader straight to the grassy eagle trail that paralleled the freeway. Next to the Wharf Rd. overpass, we took a steep dirt path under a cyclone fence gap. What a great place for a Kodak moment! To avoid a butt slide and an undies load of dirt, I went front side down and was almost hung by the boobs with my kilt. With that hazard behind us, Deep Stroke suddenly came up the rear (that sounds so wrong) as the true DFL. We could only assume she fell behind while loading up on “trail supplies” back at Granny Purps.

Safely on Wharf Rd. pavement, we went on-right down Soquel Wharf Rd., through the yard of Soquel Elementary and up the Walnut St. hill. Deep Stroke punched her turbo button, powered up the hill and disappeared into the distance. On the long stretch down Soquel Dr., I passed four walkers while I tried to catch up to the pack. It was on-right at Inner Light Church, through a neighborhood and back to another grassy trail that led to another church. This is where I heard Wicked Retahted had déjà vu, got confused, and was convinced that trail was going in circles. He must’ve stopped at Granny Purps earlier, too. It was on-right at Park Ave. and on-right at Kennedy Dr. It was getting dark and I was alone, so it was time to hustle and get ‘er done.

Beer check was finally in sight at Sante Adairius Rustic Ales Brewery. I arrived far behind the runners and far ahead of the walkers. I heard that Deep Stroke had passed ALL the hounds and “won”. Hmm…the old DFL to FRB conversion. Show off!! Hare Puff hooked us up with our very nice consolation prizes: a cheese platter, a veggie platter and another good fancy ass craft beer served in a douchey stemmed glass. When the beertender cut us off at closing time, Puff stuffed us into his rented paddy wagon and ferried us back to the start.

Down downs went down under a floodlight in the Home Depot parking lot right next to busy 41st Ave. Somehow we flew under the radar right out in the open. dBASED was RA/beer fairy and the shitty beer began to flow. Cuff My Muff came through with the cheezy poofs–it’s what’s for dinner. Deep Stroke was an overachieving racist. Hairy Potter was our backsliding new daddy and got the taco burrito song. Thank you, proud Papa Potter, for informing us your baby girl falls in the taco category. Pink Cherry Licker was busted for tech on trail for calling Papa Timmy!!! to let him know she was “safe with Wicked”. Ha! As if! Brokebench earned his 200 patch and Thmp got his 75. Virgin Sierra did an interpretive dance that unfortunately did not require a lap nor a pole. And the hares…

On on on was in the comfort of our private room in Round Table Pizza. There was a buttload of pizza, beer, and a TV showing Full House with all of those sweet mullets. Pink Cherry Licker says Timmy!!! used to have a mullet back in the day… and she might bring a pic next time to prove it! In that case, we all MUST cum next week for the lampshade hash that will start at Aptos St. BBQ. Good thing they have a fantastic beer selection there. You’re going to need some serious pre-lube to prep for another one of dBASED’s terrible trails.