Monthly Archives: November 2013

Hash #717

Okay, here goes nothing on my first Hash Trash. I was nominated to replace Princess as one of the three Scribettes while she moves on to bigger and better things, because I “seem smart enough.” But if I was really that smart, would I be here? And would I have gotten roped into a job with homework?

Hash #717 started out at Kauboi down in Aptos. It’s located where the old Britannia Arms used to be, and while it’s now a sushi place, it still has a pub feeling to it. Hashers enjoyed some beer and Sake while procrastinating the move out into the cold November evening.

While the pack searched for trail, I ended up going straight to beer check (where the cooler was conspicuously lacking in anything girly to drink). I really could have used a drink because while we were waiting for you wankers, Accuprick explained to me how he designed every nook and cranny of his back yard. He also explained, as I shivered, that there are heat lamps up on the deck and that he could easily turn them on, but that the hashers wouldn’t be going up there. At least he put on some decent music. Speaking of Accu, if you were one of his confidants that night you probably got to see some pretty interesting pictures. You could also see them if you were nosey and sharing a truck-ride to religion.

Occasional decided that one pound of flour would be plenty on a rainy night, as long as she mixed it with a shit-ton of oatmeal. (For those of you keeping score I think a shit-ton, in this case, was roughly equal to another pound, making the grand total two pounds of marking substance.) This resulted in a sparsely marked meander through the neighborhood including treacherous stair cases and grown men straddling wet bridges. And thus began the process of everyone losing trail and hoping they were walking with someone who knew where the fuck Accuprick lives.

11033371935_1d4890ce5aEarly on in trail Ocassional left a true trail arrow with the word MAYBE scrawled underneath. Is this some new sign she picked up in Panama? This sign also showed up as a true trail arrow with only two lines. MAYBE we all need another chalktalk or MAYBE Occasional needs to know where the trail is going before she marks true trail. As she explained, it had been quite rainy the week before and she hadn’t had time to run through the whole trail. She had planned bits and pieces of it but when she put it together, it proved too much for Maybe Arrowher paling flour bag. She ended up avoiding snaring by hiding in several bushes to evade “a tall guy” and “a guy walking a dog.” Were they hashers nearing in or simply bewildered inhabitants of the neighborhood? Perhaps we’ll never know. Included here is Dung Fu Grip’s artistic interpretation of the MAYBE arrow. Just Bobby has the only known photo and I’m too lazy to get his contact info.

All of our prayers were almost answered that night when Nipple-less Butt tried, but failed to retire dBASED permanently. dBASED was escorting Nipple-less on trail while his wife was haring/hiding in bushes and Nipple-less took the opportunity to run in front of dBASED causing him to trip and fall, summersaulting into oncoming traffic. In his words he “did a full lay out” right in front of a moving car. Unfortunately the motorist in question had catlike reflexes and stopped just in time. He was also able to catch hold of the would be assassin, and return him to his somewhat stunned owner. Sigh…there’s always next week.


The FRBs turned out to be Hugh, Hairy Fuck, Reverse Cow Girls, Cuff, and Little Anal Annie. They lost flour about two miles into trail and just said fuck it. They knew we were headed to Accuprick’s house and were quite pleased to see that they had arrived first, even before the hare. The hare arrived next, followed by the rest of the pack. Apparently there was a Beer Near mark somewhere in a one mile radius of Beer Check and through cunning, perseverance, and dumb luck the half-minds were able to connect the dots.
Religion was thankfully short because it was sooooo cold. We almost lost out new RA to a gopher hole before the whole thing got started, but Cuff valiantly stepped up to discharge her duties despite her brush with death. Accuprick and Cuff My Muff began their term as our Religious Advisers determined to do things a little differently. They’re going to teach us a new song every week, because our canon is pitiful. This week we learned……um…. I forgot. They may need to rethink this strategy for the half-minds. We

welcomed Butt Balls and Little Anal Annie back to the fold with some down-downs (which Annie missed). We also gave our congratulations in the form of down downs to Hairy Fuck 2.0 and Reverse Cowgirls. We wish them the best and, if the stories that came out at her naming are true, 11033130195_c8c402a054(1)we know they’re having a good time. All hats were deemed costumes, perhaps because it was too cold to take them off, perhaps to spite whomever kept yelling “hats!” We all learned about the sacred ritual of “Edtoberfest” from Just Ed. He explained that it’s like Oktoberfest but with his name. I’m glad he spelled it out like that. Some of us weren’t rea

dy for the kind of linguistic cunning that takes one word and replaces part of another word to make a completely new word! On the other hand, I’m always happy to welcome cunning linguists into the fold.
11033216224_372c61cbbcAfter Religion ended, ON ON ON was back at Kauboi. They have some really tasty food there. I highly recommend the Pork Belly Sliders. Puff got some big blocks of tofu, I guess that’s okay if you like that sort of thing.


See you wankers at the Turkey Trot!

On On

Pink Cherry Licker






Hash Trash # 716 AGM on 11/14/13

TIMMY!!! Retires and is replaced by the Royal Hash Couple!

While the rest of the world celebrates the New Year on January 1st, Halfminds of Surf City celebrate the new hash year in November.  A large pack assembled at El Palomar to elect a new mismanagement and usher in the 13th year of Surf City H3.


After serving as GM for 2 years, TIMMY!!!! was really thrilled to be celebrating his hash retirement and turning over GM duties to some other poor bastard.  Thank you TIMMY!!! for all you did for the hash in the past 2 years!   His last act as GM was to hare the trail. He promised a short trail.  Some wished “short” was a few blocks, however trail was measured at 2.65 miles of downtown and ended on top of the River Street parking garage.   The pack returned to El Palomar to a nice spread of food and of course BEER!  Backslider Vince Lamblowme  showed up and announced that he is retired and now free to hash again.  Last Call Norm and Pearl Necklace were there.  Monthy Friend made her monthly appearance.  Ska Skank Redemption, Arabian Goggler and Today is Monday made the trek from FACU to join the festivities.

First it was time to reflect on memories from the past year.  TIMMY!!! showed a great slideshow flashback of the past year.   Some wankers were too drunk to remember a lot of this shit.  There were many familiar faces.  There were a lot of Virgins who never showed their faces again.   Who knows what makes some people love the hash and others so horrified that they never return.  While there was some bloodshed, no one died on trail!!!!  We encountered skunk, deer, and cows, but no mountain lions or Bigfoot.  There were no major altercations with the cops.  Several of our new regular hashers were named in the past year, including Cumcerto, Dirty Dolmas, Pink Cherry Licker, Twisted Fister, Reverse Cow Girlz, Diddler on the Roofie, and Cum Pumper.  We had some cumings and goings.  Dung Fu Grip wandered in from Minnesota, showed up at Red Dress and never left.  The crazy bastard fits in really well here.  Deep Stroke announced she was moving, but it took 5 going away parties and almost a year to leave.  Occasional Rapist and dBASED got married and threw a hell of a party.  Hairy Fuck 2.5 and Reverse Cow Girlz just got engaged!

Founder of the hash, Banana Basher told the story of how he “had a drunken dream” and started the Surf City H3 in the year 2000.   He recognized others responsible for making it happen, dBASED and Last Call Norm and Pearl Necklace.  Pearl and Norm met in the hash, found love and the rest is history.   Banana Basher has a pretty bad health scare this past year.  Luckily he is now healthy again and back on the bar stool.  But just in case, he let us all know that he made out his will and bestowed $3000 for the hash to have a party and wants us to use his ashes instead of flour to lay a trail.  Long live Banana Basher!

And the election results were revealed.  Your new Mismanagement is……………..

GM:  In a unanimous decision, the hash erected The Royal Couple, Thmp-Thmp and Princess Di (arrhea).

Beer Mistress:  Hugh Heifer (This hippy knows her beer man!)

Scribe:  The Threesome of Occasional Rapist, Shallow Hole, and Pink Cherry Licker.  With Princess Di (arrhea) making guest scribe appearances.  Welcome Pink Cherry Licker!

Hare Raiser:  Twisted Fister.  This is a new position on mismanagement.

RA:  Accuprick and Cuff my Muff

On Sex:  dBASED

Hash Cash/Flash:  Puff the Magic Drag Queen


Worst Trail:  Deep Stroke and Shallow Hole’s trail from the Trout Farm.  Note Deep Stroke was not there to share the blame.







Stupidest Act on Trail:  Cuff my Muff and Occasional Rapist throwing rocks at a skunk to get it pissed off when the pack arrived.  Note the skunk was not harmed and did not spray anyone.





Best Trail:  TIMMY!!! and Puff the Magic Drag Queen’s trail from UCSC









On On to year 13!  I’m looking forward to the year ahead.  Thmp-Thmp and Princess Di(arrhea) graciously accepted the role of GM.  I’m sure they’ll do a great job!  They As a couple, they have twice as many brain cells as the typical halfmind.

Customizable Surf City Hash Shirts are available at:

On On,

Shallow Hole

Hash Trash 715: Down (and up) in the Valley

I almost sat down to write this week’s trash talk without a beer by my side. Almost. But that would just be wrong. This week’s trash is now under the influence of Lagunitas Little Sumpin’ Sumpin’ Ale and all is right again.

The pack’s takeover last Thursday happened at Malone’s Bar and Grille in sleepy little Scotts Valley where the town shuts down at 9:00. Puff the Magic Drag Queen was the creepy uncle who brought candy to the bar. He’d tottered over to Marini’s after a wasted Saturday afternoon at 99 Bottles and bought the place out of leftover Halloween candy. He must’ve developed quite a toothache eating it over the week because he was desperate to unload the sweets on the hash. Hey, no complaints here! dBASED was haring tonight so we could all use some extra sugar to keep us charging. Thmp-Thmp led the circle up for his first time ever and sent us on our way. Well, except for Pussy Galore who went in the opposite direction to sushi. Smart girl.

After the first check, the pack kept searching the wrong way down SV Drive. Some of us stuck close to Occasional Rapist because she was supposed to co-hare tonight but had pussed out. We all knew that she knew the right way to go. Which is a very good thing to know when the night is very dark and dBASED is laying a shitty trail over hill and dale. It was so dark that Brave Brave Sir Robin (visiting from Alabama) was carrying a massive Maglite. Hugh Heifer reckoned it took 5 D batteries, which is probably slightly fewer than some of her bedroom toys use. Just Daniel was using one of those hand pump lights that you squeeze to generate the power. He might have practiced his hand pumping in the bedroom beforehand. Speaking of pumping, it came out on trail that Just Eddie (who somehow survived Edtoberfest) and Just Daniel met working at Hot Dog on a Stick. I bet during a typical day one of them was working that lemonade pump while the other was working the weenies and sticks. I wonder if they still put that on their résumés?

Trail was a big loop full of hills that went from Malone’s, up and down through neighborhoods to Glen Canyon Rd., across ludicrously crazy traffic of Mt. Hermon  Rd. up to Manana Woods, down through Whispering Pines, across the golf course, through Skypark, along Bean Creek Rd., and straight through the campus of Scotts Valley Middle School. About 10 steps after we saw the custodian dumping the trash and parents picking up their kids from play rehearsal, we saw the beer near mark and found beer check down a nearby easement.

The most memorable thing about beer check was the stank. Either Porter or Nipple-less Butt had done his business in a mysterious dark corner and left us to suffer. We gagged down our beers while we waited too long for DFLs Hugh and Sir Robin. The joke was on us because they had bailed out of trail long, long ago to meet Pussy Galore at sushi. Smart asses.

We wandered up Scotts Valley Drive to religion behind Pro Scuba. dBASED RA’d and Brave Brave Sir Robin was beer fairy. Cumcerto was glorified for being FRB. She was also shamed for alcohol abuse for pouring out her down down beer. And then she accidentally poured her chosen beer on Thmp’s shoes. Brokebench didn’t do trail because of work. Werk’s 4 jerks! Diddler on the Roofie and Shiny Snail Trail were backsliders. Diddler also blamed work because he can’t manage to get his ass to work at 6am after a hash. Amateur! Sir Robin and Hugh were busted for not making it to the stankified beer check. There was blood on trail times two. Dung-Fu Grip had an encounter with a pile of metal and Timmy!!! was bleeding from the back of his leg, likely from the briar patch around the golf course. It was dBASED’s analversary of 75 harings—better known as 75 unleashings of brutal punishment. Please note that he is expecting something special for his 100th. I recommend a flogging. Occasional Rapist made the grand achievement 125 hashes. Get a life! On on on was at the only place possibly still open in Scotts Valley—Next Door Bar.

This Thursday at 6 o’cock is AGM, our Annual General Meeting…or All-out Gonzo Melee! Bring $20 to El Palomar downtown for lotsa food and all the beer you can drink. Erections will be held for Mismanagement. Lame duck GM Timmy!!! will be haring a “trail” which may or may not consist of a tiny rectangle 4 blocks long.

Princess Di(arrhea)

Halloweenie & Puff’s 700th Hash


Occasional Rapist is supposed to be your scribe here, but she asked me Friday morning if I wouldn’t mind doing it. Seeing as how she didn’t do trail and and didn’t make it to religion, my faint remembrances will be more lucid than her non-attendance.

Occasional Rapist and I started the evening by attempting to be good citizens. We tried to take the bus. Tried. Route 71 is supposed to come every 30 minutes in the evening. The first bus obviously never showed. For the second bus, we had a routine rider waiting with us. When it was 5 minutes late and he had a friend stop to give him a ride, we hitched one as well. It seems the hares had left about 5 minutes before our arrival. Timmy was outside Reds (aka Banana Basher‘s former sports grill) giving a chalk talk.

Wet Ferral Pussy had a giant costume which I thought was a mushroom, but later learned it was a Jelly Fish (makes me think of a line from Rock Lobster). WaxiPad and Shallow Hole appeared as their alter ego’s – Glam Rockers. There were a few pirates, and of course there were too many Puff impersonators to be counted. We also had numerous visitors from near and far who seemed to have heard that Santa Cruz was a cool place to be on Halloween. They were right.

I had heard this was going to be a short trail. Perhaps by recent Surf City standards it could have been deemed a “shorter” trail, but I would never call it short. I measured it as 2.76 from start to beer check. In fact, by Surf City standards in the early years, this would have approached the long trail standard.

Trail started through an alley way of sorts by Reds, then over to a real alley nearby, then up Green Street. This was the first hash I’ve been healthy at in 2 months and I suddenly became an FRB. Then it was up through Mission Plaza and over the freeway. As we passed over the freeway, I knew religion was close by, so I figured we were soon to approach beer check. Boy was I wrong. After crossing the bridge, it was true trail to the right paralleling Highway 1. I figured beer check was at the cemetery.  As we approached the cemetery, I saw lights and music in the distant. I figured that’s it! Boy was I wrong.

In the cemetery I noticed a small problem. My flashlight didn’t work. Fortunately, other FRB’s had caught up by then, so I used their light to traverse the cemetery. There was a check just past the cemetery, but there was only 1 logical place to go from there – up through Wagner Grove. Others around me with flashlights seemed uncertain where we were headed, but I knew, and up, up we went through the darkness. Later I was to find that Pink Cherry Licker wimped out going through Wagner Grove. In the summer she works at the bottom and was too scared to go through in the dark.

In Wagner grove we found a beloved “LC” mark. However, no liquor was discovered. Apparently it was stolen before the pack got there. That’s the second time a liquor check has been stolen here!

Someone in or around Wagner Grove asked who Wagner grove is named after. It appears to be named after John Wagner, who’s heirs sold the property to the city of Santa Cruz in 1959.

At the top of Wagner grove, we headed through neighborhoods of trick or treaters. I thought we should stop for candy ourselves.

Before Highland quickly descends to High was the only confusing check of the night. The stairs had a false at the bottom at the of them. That meant there was only one other way to go (down Highland), right? Wrong! The pack I was with descended down Highland. Timmy claimed he saw flour going down., However, at Highland and High there was nothing. It appears the pack proceeded up High and found trail. However, I alone decided to go back to the check and find The Way. The Hares found a clever passage down a driveway and down some apartment stairs, When later asked how they found it, Thmp-Thmp said “Google Earth”. This passageway included the letter STFU. Later I was learn that means “Shit The Fuck Up”.

Finally to High street, it was quick jaunt to Pink Cherry Licker’s abode, for which I had never been to. While I arrived by myself, I believe about half the pack was already there. Most amazing to me was that Wet Ferral Pussy did the entire trail in her giant Jelly Fish costume and arrived not too long afterward.

After the beer check we jaunted around the corner to Dirty Dolmas house. However, Dirty Dolmas was not there. She was off gallivanting (if you can call it that after foot surgery)  with Wicked Retahted and Occasional Rapist downtown. So, we peed on the carpet, shit in the yard, raped the dog and raided the refrigerator.  After that, Accuprick proceeded over down downs with Hogasm as his beer ferry.

Downs were rather a mad house with too many distractions to pay attention. I started on the swing with a group of Hashers huddled together to stay warm. The first order of business, and the only import business, was congratulations to Puff for 700 Surf City Hashes. Did he get a patch? I imagine so, but I didn’t see it as he would be giving it to himself.

We had virgins in Maria, Daniel, and Sal.

We had visitors in Cheek and Dog, Dickens Chickens and Doggie Style.

We had a butt load of Puff impersonators. The best being Dung Fu Grip and the wost being Twisted Fisted.

We had an extreme backslider in Portholeo.

We had a naming, just Christina is now Achy Breaky Snatch. I still like Spank Bank better.

Best costume went to Wet Ferral Pussy.

And of course the hares. After that we were off to the freak show downtown and finally to Tampico.

To end my evening, the bus was right where it should be and I met Occasional Rapist at home who had taken the bus one hour earlier. She said she left downtown early because she was tired of guys grabbing her ass. And, after I returned home, there was much rejoicing.

A small picture of Timmy