Monthly Archives: December 2013

Hash Trash # 721, December 19, 2013

The Anal dBASED Family Christmas Picture Hash

When dBASED made the trail announcement for this week, the cold hearted bastard told everybody to come to his house and meet in the back yard.  Occasional Rapist has a heart, and sent out a second trail announcement inviting everyone inside the house where it was nice and warm.   Thank you Occasional!  Once a year, instead of the Hares laying a trail of flour and chalk, Surf City H3 does a picture hash.  The Hares give the pack a picture of a location, and the pack has to go to that location, find a Hare to get another picture of where they have to go next.  dBASED, Occasional Rapist, Hot Wheels and Cuff my Muff were the Hares.  Little Spit declined to participate this year.  Hot Wheels now has a driver’s license, but still has 4 years to go until he reaches drinking age.   However, he can now be a designated driver!   Whoo Hoo!  Maybe to help pay for college he could start a little taxi service to shuttle around drunken hashers.

The first picture was across the street at Women Care, the organization that the hash supports for Red Dress.  The trail lead the pack on a 3 mile trail that visited a couple of Quickie Marts, churches, Caress Day Spa, a couple of Trailer Courts and had a great beer check at Sante Adairius Rustic Ales Brewery.   The second beer check was at the dentist’s office parking lot near the start.   I was trying to ponder if there was a theme to this year’s picture hash.  The only thing I could come up with since the hares are newlyweds, one possible theme could be:  Take care of your woman, throw in a few quickies, sensual massage, drink lots of beer, repent in church and go to the dentist so you don’t have rotten teeth.  Who the fuck wants to kiss someone with rotten teeth?

Religion was held back at the ranch in the back yard and presided by Accuprick.  He nominated Achy Breaky Snatch his lovely Beer Fairy.  First down down went to everyone who wore stripes.  Canadian Penny Slut, Pink Cherry Licker, Princess Di(arrhea), Thmp-Thmp, Occasional Rapist, and yours truly.  I got the next down down for bringing Christmas cookies to the hash.  Hugh Heifer drank for being involved in a dog fight.  She is pet sitting another hasher’s dog, Zoe, who picked a fight with the sheriff’s dog!  Way to go for “slowing down the man”.  Nippless Butt was also hashing, but he was a good boy and didn’t get into any trouble.   Pink Cherry Licker accused dBASED for screwing up the rhythm of the song Face down, ass up, etc.  She schooled him on how to sing the word “cousin”.  She was then commended on her kick ass poetic hash trash last week.  See, there was a reason we chose her to be part of our threesome!  Fucked Over Fest was punished for using his phone in the circle.  He was bragging how he ran 2.5 miles to the hash, but was on the phone trying to get a ride home form some ho bag.  Accuprick was trying to probe him about the chick.  He described her hair as “brown like a fence” and her carpet matches her drapes.  Wow, now that’s a romantic guy!  No wonder the bastard is single!  Hugh Heifer was punished for auto hashing.  She bummed a ride off dBASED.  dBASED also drank for almost forgetting to pay the tab at the brewery.  And last but not least, the Hares……………………

The pack was then treated to some yummy warm chili afterwards!  Thank you Occasional Rapist!

Next week’s hash will be at the Nasty Asti.  Dung Fu Grip came up with a nasty theme of Krampus.  I googled it.  Here he is.  krampusHe’s a scary mother fucker!

In German folklore, Krampus is like bad Santa.  It’s a beast-like demon creature that punishes all the bad children who were naughty and carries them away in his sack to the underworld.    So now we know why German children are so well behaved.  Their scared shitless of getting a whipping for being naughty by Krampus.  Anyway, dress in something nasty, mean or ugly and the hash is supposed to go through town scaring people.  Sorry I’m going to miss out!

Merry Hashmus and have a Drunken New Year!

I’m from Scranton, Pennsylvania.  Scranton is known for coal mining, The Office, Joe Biden and Jason Miller (That Championship Season).  People talk with what’s called a “coal cracker accent”.    So Jeeze God!  For Christ sake!   Drink a couple, two, tree beers and have a great holiday.  I’ll be eating Mom’s ravioli and drinking $2 Yuengling Lager at the corner bar.

On On,

Shallow Hole


Toys For Tots (Not for Twats)

‘Twas thirteen nights before Christmas and where should we gather,
But the Old Creepy Place, to drink and to blather.
We collected up toys from bike helmets to blocks,
And assembled them there to ship off to the tots.

Dressed up all as santas, some tame and some bawdy,
Some wore shiggy socks that read nice and naughty.
Some friends just stopped by at the start ‘cuz they’re lazy,
Pearl, Norm, Twat, Harry, Choka and Baby!

Then off we set, to follow the flour,
And brave Soquel traffic during rush hour.
And while we dodged two-doors, and hatchbacks and truckers,
From one car we heard “ON-ON MOTHERFUCKRS!”

Before long we found an elixir so sweet,
It warmed us up from our heads to our feet,
Hidden from hobos, and children, and cops,
Was a little glass bottle of peppermint schnopps.

Accuprick cried, “It won’t be enough,
Can’t you see all the Hashers that want at that stuff?”
Oh what a Grinch, to balk at us all,
Which organ of his is three sizes too small?

And last us it did and we ran round the ‘hood,
Through alleys and streets we were up to no good.
We ran here and there on our fanciful trek,
And over and over we hollered out, “Check!”

‘Til at last we arrived, this silly old pack,
At our Shangri-la, Banana’s Dude Shack.
On beers we were sipping, on chips we were feeding,
Some of us freezing and Cum Pumper bleeding.

Then off to religion at Casa de Puff,
There was beer and hash dinner and if that wasn’t enough,
There was hot buttered rum as prepared by Dung Fu,
An undeserved treat for this half-minded crew.

Our RA, Accu, regaled us with song,
We all did our best as we sang along.
On Crimes out on trail, he asked our advice,
And Twisted Fister was called for just being too nice.

Down downs for backsliders brought up to mock,
Penny Slot, Slow Nads, New Kids on My Cock.
Dung Fu regaled us in a voice deep and husky,
With a song about kids and old Coach Sanduski.
We finished our Rum (that manna from heaven)
Then headed on home or to Double Oh Seven.
Overall a good night, didn’t see the police.
Merry Christmas to all, and may the Hash get a piece.

Hash Trash #719

Meeting at BURGER. is always a good time, the beer and drink selections are endless there….It was hella cold out this night so we stayed in to drink. Hangs Loose and Chewy managed to find warmth on the front deck. Drinking to prepare for Cumcerto’s solo concerto as who knew what we would be awaiting:) Trail was marked fairly well, down Mission we went and then a right down Laurel St. past SC High down to….right on toward’s the flats…this is where things turned ugly. Trail continued on the train tracks. I thought for sure we’d likely run toward’s the SC Wharf (by the tressel) but low and behold it was a straight on in death march to the beer check. The longest, loniest (and dryest) walk in the dark. We cursed in the dark about a few things a.) a bum must have snagged LC cause we couldn’t find it and did not want to risk getting poked by some lost syringe needle in the bush, b.) there better not be a fuckin train a coming c.) poor Nipple-less Butt and his bare paws on all that broken glass, smartly he walked mostly on the wood slats and came out alive and well, thank god we have a vet hasher Wet Feral Pussy was there to inspect.  Then we came upon the FRB’s, at beer check on the train tracks at Bay/near California. Trail was surpisingly short for Cumcerto, I guess she didn’t want us to bitch too much on a longer trail, but my map showed just 2 miles and change to BC.  Then on in down Bay back to Mission. Religion took place behind Sushi place at the Palm Center. Now this might have been the genius part of Cumcerto’s trail, as low and behold we had our own private bathroom! RA was the duo pair Cuff My Muff and Accuprick. Noted missing from trail was Hugh Heifer, I suppose she took advantage of Twisted Fister having the beer trough (he wanted to use it for the extra night in NorthSouth) and decided to slowly make her way to the best part of a hash, Religion. Nothing was funnier to see than our appointed beer fairy, Hangs Loose wearing the crown of shame and taking a piss, god I wish Puff had gotten a shot of that, LOL.  Visitors to report: Just Jenna came back, she reported now living in San Diego as her excuse for not hashing sooner, and Dirty Late Cummer who’s in Monterey now I believe.  The task for the night was in naming Just Ed, after much fun deliberations, can we hear a drum roll please…..he was named, Fucked-over-Fest, as we all know he loves everything about Edtoberfest. Welcome to the hasher family way of life…..And the hare…Thank you Cumcerto for not killing us on trail:)

OK hashers bring your un-wrapped toys tonight for the Toys For Tots Hash Trail #720!! Meeting at (not so Creepy) Crepe Place.

On On …..

Occasional Rapist

Hash Trash # 718 on November 29th 2013

Black Friday Turkey Trot Hash and Prelube to North South Intercourse

DSCN2058Since Puff didn’t post any hash flash yet, this is a photo of a free range turkey spotted in a park on Staten Island, NY.  No turkeys were harmed in this hash trash.

Thanksgiving is supposed to be a time of giving thanks.  La di da!  Aren’t we supposed to be thankful the rest of the year?  The PC story of Thanksgiving tells us how the pilgrims came to the New World, made friends with the Native Americans and had a big dinner to celebrate.  That’s what Pink Cherry Licker teaches those innocent little children in school.  And what happened next?   Well they don’t mention the nasty part of the story.  The pilgrims gave the Indians small pox, murdered a bunch of them and drove the rest off of their land.   Indian reservations were not set up to be like Disneyland!  Well at least the poor bastards now have casinos!

There’s only one Thursday of the year that Surf City H3 does not hash, and that would be Thanksgiving.  Hashers make the sacrifice to be with their families on that day.  It’s a holiday of eating like pigs and watching football.  Some hashers probably consume more alcohol than usual on Thanksgiving to help tolerate their dysfunctional families.   I like to think of the hash is like the dysfunctional family you CHOOSE to hang around with.

A sizable pack decided to forgo Black Friday shopping at the mall and headed straight to the Mediterranean in Aptos.   Beer is the breakfast of champions.  Some hashers opted for mimosas with el cheapo champagne.  We had 2 Virgins.  Pink Cherry Licker brought Virgin Shane.  Welcome to the family!  Virgin James showed up because he googled running groups and found us.  LOL.  Deep Stroke was in town and needed alcohol to get through her Mommy and Me time.  Banana Basher showed up with his lovely wife, Bailas con Burros.  Princess Di (arrhea) was our sacrificial turkey and agreed to lead the pack on a short pick up hash.  So she took off, we gave her a 5 minute head start.  Whoever was FRB and caught her would have to become the hare and continue the trail, following her map.

Dung Fu Grip caught Princess at the picnic area at Seacliff State Beach.  I’m not sure whether we gave him the full 5 minute head start or not.  The evil bastard headed up the 100+ stairs.  Deep Stroke and I spotted him when we reached the top of the stairs.  He took off running like Chariots of Fire across the field.  We were in hot pursuit, when Cuff my Muff and Banana Basher cut him off at the pass!  They shortcutted to avoid the stairs and caught the hare.   Cuff my Muff took over and was the third hare.  The pack seemed to lose trail at a check on Seacliff Drive.  Achy Breaky Snatch said she saw a road off to the right, and sure enough, trail continued on Sea Terrace Way to beer check at the end of the road.  Trail was < 2 miles.

Religion was in back of the Med.    Cuff my Muff was RA, and Banana Basher was appointed Beer Fairy.  Backsliders were called up first.  Bailas con Burros, Daddy War Bucks, Little Wrinkled Fanny, Little Anal Annie, Achy Breaky Snatch, Ralph-U-Crammed-In, and Deep Stroke were welcomed back to the hash. Deep Stroke exclaimed that the warm Hamms beer tasted just as nasty as she remembered.  Next were Analversaries.  Deep Stroke celebrated her 75th Surf City Hash and TIMMY!!! Celebrated his 400th hash!  Get a life!  There were a few crimes on trail.  Accuprick was punished for not doing trail.  Cuff my Muff and Banana Basher shortcutted trail to catch Dung Fu Grip.  Dung Fu also drank for his Chariots of Fire sprint across the field trying to avoid being caught.  The Human Pube drank for not knowing a hash song.  Virgin Shane said Pink Cherry Licker made him cum!  Lucky guy!  He told a lame joke.  Virgin James said Lady Ga Ga made him cum.  He found the hash on the internet.  He also told a lame joke.  Thmp-Thmp drank for posting porn on the internet that made him cum!

Hashers going to North South were called up for send off a down down.  Dung Fu Grip, Hugh Heifer, Puff the Magic Drag Queen, Pink cherry Licker, Princess di (arrhea), Thmp-Thmp, Twister Fister and twat did you say were headed to SLO for a weekend of debauchery.  The hash sang sad renditions of Happy Birthday to The Human Pube and Ralph-U-Crammed-In.  Just Ciarra showed up at religion.   Apparently she’s been doing “public service” working at a local liquor store.   And last but not least, the Hares…………………………………………………….

This week’s hash will be led by Cumcerto and will start at Burger on Mission Street.  Regretfully, I will not be present.  Waxi and I will be busy getting our groove on and drinking Abita beer in the Big Easy.   See ya’ll next week for Toys for Tots!

On On,

Shallow Hole