Monthly Archives: June 2014

Hash Trash # 748

Hares Cumcerto and Twisted drugged us to Kauboi, Aptos. It was Cumcerto’s Birthday hash! Always a good time getting sake and sushi at Kauboi! We had a fun turnout.  Little Micah showed up standing on her own, soon she will be hashing with us! But not this night. Choka Cola took her home while Hairy Potter did trail. Trail went North on Soquel to Aptos Rancho Road into Nisene, this is where the fun began. I can’t remember how many water crossings we did but it was a lot, I ended up just walking thru the creek after 3. There was a tastey Liquor Check right before hitting Aptos park, tasted like Coconut Liquor and Grapefruit juice. We then trumped thru the park and up the hill towards the railroad tracks/tressle all the way to Seacliff, where we passed the new Mariianne’s ice cream shop (old Bob’s Liquor) at first I notice the new paint job (wasn’t Bob’s red anymore) then realized oh my it’s not Bob’s anymore its Marianne’s ice cream and it was packed with kids! Trail then went down into Seacliff state beach by the infamous SS Palo Alto cement ship. Who would sail upon a cement ship? Not I. Anyhoot, DUH yes trail commenced UP the longest set of stairs known in Aptos, by the time you get to the top you definately are reaching for some O2. Across the field to Seacliff Dr. and the views we’re beautiful of course! The little trail leading down to Aptos Creek road and then to Mooshead Dr. Head who said Head! BC as we suspected under the Hwy 1 bridge on the turn by the creek. Such a good BC. We hung out in what seemed like forever, but apparently forever wasn’t long enough, as Twat did you Say and Human Pube and Monthly Friend we’re still in the field (trail) and we missed them (sorry guys next time we wait!). Anyhow we assumed maybe they ditched trail. So back behind Kauboi on the road into Aptos Park we had religion. Accuprick and our oldtime hasher Snapping Twat acted as his Beer fairy. Snapping Twat came with her spouse Just Jeff. Canaidian Penny Slut drank first down down for not even doing trail, something about being injured. Then the 1/2 minds drank for not making it to BC, Monthly Friend, Twat and Human Pube. Newer hashers: Just Jeff, Just Evan. Virgin Ali. Backsliders: Hairy Potter, PlaSTIC pUSSY? I can’t remember who else. Anyhow: Just Evan almost got a name, Micro penis or cock but since he did’nt prove he had one we decided next time! Watch your words young man! LOL. Some Chivalry on trail was had, apparently Finger Nips witnessed a large steelhead swimming up stream on one of the water crossings and she decided to try to catch it, over she went and her cell phone fell in the creek and she twisted up her ankle. She was determined to get Mortal Enema to the BC so Mortal Enema helped her walk to BC. Fap Jack found her cell phone in the creek! I love how we all work together! Virgin Ali whom I think Plastic Pussy made cum? sang a song in Farsi, which translated to “I’m so fucked up, I am drunk, drunk as a skunk” or something like that. Analversaries 125 hashes done by Princess Di-arrhea!, and 150th Hash by Accuprick! Get a life get life get a life life life! dBASED was demented about trail at some point but I can’t even remember that down down! And the Hares! Thanks for a fun trail!!

On On tonight at West Remote Parking lot for start at 6:33PM, see ya there!

Occasional Rapist

Hash #747

14426836641_88bda6b692_oThe luau themed Hash 747, aka Ocassional Rapist’s Birthday Hash, aka the Airplane Hash, started at Aloha Island Grille on Portola. Even though a good portion of the pack skipped out on the Surf City Hash that night to go to Whip It Out at the Ball Game (more like Get Kicked Out at the Ball Game), we still had a great turn out! The weather was beautiful and our hares took full advantage of that leading us around the neighborhoods and beaches and under an incredible moon hanging low in the sky. Anyone who sat inside instead of coming to this hash really missed out.14430082375_ed08253c6e_o


We started off toward the beach, down a false, and eventually figured out that we were being circle jerked back in the other direction. But it really wouldn’t be a D’BASED trail if there wasn’t a really confusing start. We headed away from the beach, through the neighborhoods, a14426659731_b0f0d00989_ond into the shiggy. We crossed a little creek where Twat Did You Say? Found someone’s burner phone. We went by a lagoon where I got mosquito bites on my sunburn. Then we came out on to 7th and headed back to the beach.


14243253768_ce0f749eaa_oJust before rounding the corner to beer check, Fingernips and I saw a rat eating one of the flour marks on the beach. So disgusting. What wasn’t disgusting was spread of food laid out for us at beer check. Do it yourself spam musubi, cupcakes, and……beer! We enjoyed our feast for awhile before heading to the next beach over for religion.


14406478956_80009c8b8b_oDung Fu Grip served as RA and chose Shady Curtains as his Beer Fairy. Dog Breath’s bowl was somehow broken and now he has to drink out of a half bowl, but Dung Fu took no pity on him and instead poured an entire beer over Dog Breath’s head in retaliation for the incident several weeks ago. Wicked Retahted did his best to live up to his name, by generally trying to hold up the proceedings and push some random lady who hadn’t done trail up in circle. Fap Jack and I got called up for not getter lei-ed. (I swear we had leis at some point). We had three Virgins! Virgin Alex told joke that 14449581193_8d8b70f272_omake sense, Virgin Mel told a joke that didn’t, and Virgin Sean showed his butt. Mortal Enema, Cum Pumper, and Hooker on Cronix, Bitch were called up as backsliders. There were a bunch of visitors. And the hares! We called up D’BASED and Occasional for their shitty trail.14429334755_a59500daba_o


And did I mention the moon?


Hash # 742 Red Dress

14161016752_431e9a930b_oSo………….. Surf City had a Red Dress Run. Was it this week? Ummm… no it was ove14164047644_1025758873_or a month ago. But since I arrived at it super late, I figured I’d be super late writing about it too. My memory of the event is a little fuzzy, but I’ll put up a bunch of pictures of guys in dresses to make up for it. Since puff is much more reliable (there’s such a fine line between reliability and OCD), there are always pictures.

14160999022_c021255348_oThe pack met at The Rush Inn to get nice and shitty before heading out into the beautiful Santa Cruz weather. I assume trail went through downtown because it ended up at a sangria check underneath a bridge along the San Lorenzo River. Yummy, yummy sangria.


Then the hares paraded the pack down in front of the Boardwalk for all of the tourists to see. We went up to Westcliff to find a jello shot/picture14163554814_63fcf29caf_o check at the surfer statue. He is meant to be a sacred memorial to all of the surfers who have been lost in our waters. So we dressed him up in a red boa and took obscene pictures with him.14163310134_fe3c1ba0c6_o

From there, the Eagles kept running around the West Side. I gather from looking through the flash that they had some sort of drink 14183142733_859e36f1b6_ocheck in Neary Lagoon. Meanwhile the turkeys said, “fuck it,” and walked to beer check at the Blue Lagoon. Oh wait, I see what they did there, Lagoon checks all around! We drank, someone lost the hippie because she was hungry, but she turned up at circle.

Religion was on top of a parking garage downtown. TIMMY!! and Dung Fu Grip were co-RAs, because it was just too hard to pick. We had a huge circle, with beautiful 14182679083_3ddb4446d7_oearly-evening lighting, but I couldn’t hear a fucking thing that happened, because some visitors from Monterey wouldn’t shut the fuck up. They seriously talked through the whole thing. I’m pretty sure Deep Stroke won something. Sluttiest Dress? I voted for her, even though I didn’t know what was happening. I did see one of our GM’s, graciously shove a hariette who had been over-served into the back of her car and cart her away.

13975866090_9ba3e5f1fd_oAnd the hares…..Once again a shitty Red Dress Trail was brought to us by the trio of Shallow Hole, Occasional Rapist, and Hugh Heifer. So they were punished with beer.13975807950_977ca99fcf_o

From there we went back to the Rush Inn where they had promised to make us Spaghetti Dinner. And they did. And it was good. And there was much rejoicing.14162290384_167ab4bd88_o


















Hash Trash # 746 on June 5, 2014

Puff the Magic Drag Queen and Dung Fu Grip summoned the pack to the Crepe Place.  AKA the Creepy Place.  Since Puff was haring, Princess Di (arrhea) did hash cash and Fingernips was guest hash flasher.  Banana Basher made it out this week.  Hell, the bar is only a few blocks from his house!  I hear he rarely leaves his man cave these days.  His drinking buddy Apple Bobber showed up in his work duds.

746timmyThere was some breakage and spillage at the bar.  TIMMY!!! was drinking his usual martini, knocked over his drink and broke the glass (for the nineteenth time)!  There was no blood drawn, but I would still classify that as alcohol abuse!  746pp

Plastic Pussy resurfaced after a year!  You think he would have a good excuse.  He said he was just being lazy.  We had a Virgin this week!  Virgin Travis was “sponsored” by Just Jeremiah and Just Marisol.  I’m sure the bar was thrilled to get rid of us when the pack left.

Trail started out simple enough.  There were no checks initially.  We went left out the front door of the bar, left on Cayuga Street.  There was a check 1 block down.  I’m assuming that this is the place where we lost the “non runners”.  On On was called going left down Hanover, then left down an alley.  We meandered around neighborhood streets until we ended up on Soquel Avenue.  Trail headed right down Capitola Road to 7th avenue.  We finally ended up going down by the Harbor, down a 746fingernipsshiggy hill to a bum wine check.  Then we had to cross the big log across the water to get to the other side.  Last time we did that, it was at night.  This was definitely better than pitch dark at night.  Dung Fu later said he was listening to Jewish Folk Music and that’s what inspired him to buy the Manischewitz wine.  TIMMY!!! is half Jewish and drinking it reminded him of happy memories of Passover at Aunt Ethyl and Uncle Morty’s house.  I can only claim Jewish by insemination.  La Heim!

746shiggyTrail continued through Arena Gulch up a hill.  Then we went down through some shiggy and had to slide down a steep hill on our asses.  There was a turkey eagle split.  TIMMY!!! took the turkey trail.  I was on the eagle and met up with Diddler on the Roofie and Thmp-Thmp.  We climbed up a hill through some massive shiggy that included picker bushes and PO.  Lesson learned.  Wear shiggy socks because you never know where the damn Hares will go next.  The turkeys and eagles met back up again at the top.  We were at Fredrick Street Park.  It seemed like it took the same time for TIMMY!!! to meet back up with us again.  We were on Harbor and saw evidence of a “Hare Snare”.  We ran through a church parking lot, through a school and meandered our way to Seabright to beer check and religion at Puff’s house.  My watch said 3.85 miles.

746fairyAccuprick was RA and appointed Twat do you Say? the beer fairy because she went to her school’s graduation and was dressed in a pretty pink dress.  No one could find the crown, so she wore Dung Fu’s unicorn hat.  Poor Nippless Butt’s feet were bleeding for some unknown reason.  Otherwise he appeared fine.  Since there was dog blood in the circle, Dog Breath was called up for a down down.  Twisted Fister had blood on trail, so he drank too.  Wankers who didn’t do trail were called up next.  Just Chip, Wicked Retahted, Banana Basher and Apple Bobber all were looking mighty lit and drank a down down.  Wicked stayed there to receive a gift, a Retard Hasher shirt from Accuprick.  If the shoe fits……..  Moose Turd Pie accused the hares of a crime. The eagle trail was shorter than the turkey.  That from a guy who showed up to hash in jeans and street clothes.  He wants it longer and harder!  Plastic Pussy was called up for being a backslider.  He said he was out running drunk by himself and ended up getting arrested and sent to jail!  Well now that you’re back, you can run drunk with 20 other people.  There’s safety in numbers.  Dog Breath, Mothers Little Felcher and Moose Turd Pie snared a hare- Puff.  Give the old man a break!  Dung Fu ran through a group of church camp children to avoid being snared.  There were a few Analveraries.  Moose Turd Pie celebrated his 5th Surf City Hash!  Diddler on the Roofie and Fap Jack celebrated 25 hashes.  Occasional Rapist celebrated 150 hashes!  Get a life!  Virgin Travis was called up.  Just 746virginJeremiah made him cum.  He told a joke and showed us a tattoo on his ass cheek.  Nice!  TIMMY!!! was called up for breaking a glass at the bar.  He will now be drinking from a TIMMMY!!! Tippy cup.  Fap Jack was called up because he celebrated his 30th birthday this past week.  Happy Birthday, fuck you!  dBASED was called up for being “too red”.  He got a sunburn on his head.  Congratulations to Hot Wheels who graduated high school this week!  And last but not least, the Hares…………………………..

This week we will be convening at the Aloha Grille on Portola Drive for Occasional Rapist’s Aloha Birthday hash, and their pre-lube for SDH3 RDR!  See you there!

On On,

Shallow Hole

Hash 746 Announcement


Failure to faithfully follow these simple instructions may result in physical injury. What: Hash 746. Where: Crepe Place, 1134 Soquel Av. When? Thursday, June 5, hares-out @ 6:40.  Trail length: around 3 miles. Turkey/Eagle split? Yes. Dog? Yes, please. Strollers? No bloody way. Religion? Dung-Fu Grip & Puff’s place. On-on-on: Double-Oh & Mexican joint across the street.  What more do ya need to know?!?

Hash 745 Hades Hills from Hell

Greetings out there in voyeur land,


Puff the Magic Drag Queen here. Puff has been coerced into becoming acting Scribe due to neither Pink Cherry Licker or Occasional Rapist showing snout at this week’s hash. PCL claimed she had a job function to perform. Since when did working take priority over hashing? And as for our Rapist friend, she said after her trip to the Dominican Republic, she’s “tired of people”. If we were to substitute the word “dBASED” for the word “people”, I think we’d be far closer to the truth. Lastly, it was decided the third side of the scribing triangle,  Shallow Hole, should not be allowed to scribe her own trail. Funny thing but when Scribes are hares, and visa versa, their trail was stupendous and has set a new standard for hashing. We learned this in the olde days when Puff was Scribe and did the writeup when he hared.

Mercifully, as almost all of this trail consisted of off-roading, Puff will have very little to write. Even more, trail was an unholy terror best forgotten by the few that hashed it and should not be added to the memory of those that (wisely) skipped it.

Point A was a parking lot on Green Hills Road. A very pleasant name for a really horrible area. Things started poorly. Most of the pack arrived long before Beermistress Hugh Heifer came careening in. Hounds raided Beer Check beer from co-hare Shallow Hole until Hugh’s beer wagon arrived. Last hound to arrive, Dog Breath, searched his car and discovered he’d neglected to bring shorts. Hugh said, “Oh, I’ve got plenty of men’s clothing under the seat in my truck!” Wisely, no one asked why. Right now you may be thinking, “That worked out great!” Remember though, this is the hash and we’re talking about Dog Breath. Here’s the scene that unfolded. Dog Breath dropped his jeans and got into Hugh’s shorts, so to speak, without bothering to hide his white butt behind his car. Yes, Dog Breath changed clothes right in front of the entire horrified pack. Not an especially auspicious beginning to a hash, was it?

Instructions of Trail were completed as soon as Shallow Hole noticed no one was bothering to listen. The hares then outed themselves but not in the direction of trail head. This is another thing I don’t like, dBASED deciding to “blaze his own trail”.  This, too, frequently portends potential problems for the pack. The only thing that really gets “blazed” are the poor bastards that have to follow him.

008Seen above is on-out with Just Jeremiah and Just Marisol leading the litter. Sadly, their energy level would decrease dramatically over the course of trail. Soon after this, there was some confusion as to trail direction. A number of hounds returned to Green Hills Road but then turned back on-left through a business parking lot, into the woods and onto a fire road. Broke Bench Mountain was seen about this time but said a recent foot injury would prevent him from hashing this trail. This being a dBASED trail, what the hell was he expecting?!? He was not seen again though I bet had Hugh inventoried her beer trough, she’d find Broke Bench may have paid it a visit before he left!

010 The picture above is indicative of the hill-hell that was Hash 745. There is little else I need to say about it nor does it DESERVE any more to be said of it. There were a number of these huge hills, each and every one lined with poison oak. PO, not being a fan of too much water, has exploded onto the scene in this third year of drought. Trail featured precious few checks as there was nowhere-else-the-hell-to-go. Liquor Check also turned out to be a YBF as backtracking was required to locate trail after it. A curmudgeon-hiker was encountered who refused to acknowledge our presence. Many sections of this poorly-maintained trail featured ankle-twisting crevices, rocks to be dealt with and low hanging tree branches that threatened to pull out handfuls of hair.         The picture above is not one of the Wee Folk but a doll found at the site for Beer Check. There were a number of these curious curios in redwood stumps scattered about.  Their purpose and origin remain unknown.

Th pack had spread out like butter in a frying pan. It was a good twenty-plus minutes from FRB to DFL. It was beginning to get dark when the last, lost and lonely hounds came in off the mountain. Beer Check was quickly adjourned then Religion convened back at Point A.

Accuprick assumed the reins and appointed Cumcerto his Beer Fairy. Dog Breath was punished for mooning the pack. Jeremiah and Marisol were punished as back sliders. Cumcerto and Dung-Fu Grip were made a laughing stock for sliding backwards on trail almost as much as they moved forward. Chip and Jeremiah were chided for peeing along trail. Until tonight, I had not been aware mandatory biological functions were a criminal act. Well, leave it to Accuprick to insure everyone receives their fair share of abuse justified or not. Chip was awarded a down-down for being such a motivational cheerleader along trail and TIMMY for nominating him. TIMMY remained at the altar and was treated to a rousing chorus of Get a life! for the completion of his 425th has with us. Shallow Hole was congratulated for surviving la vida loco another year. Again she claimed it to be her 29th birthday. If one hare drinks, they ALL drink so dBASED joined her. Both remained at the altar to suffer the slings and arrows of an outraged pack  over this trail.

On-on-on was at Salsa’s Mexican restaurant but was only attended by Cumcerto, who continued drinking, Dog Breath, who mercifully kept his clothes on, TIMMY, already in the cups and consequently refrained from his usual whiskey and your acting Scribe.

That’s pretty much it for Trail 745. I will now return to my search for signs of intelligent life in Santa Cruz.

By Special Appointment of His Royal Majesty “G”, this Hash Trash has been compiled and printed by permission of no one other than the author at Santa Cruz, Ca., or elsewhere if need be, on this, the first day of June in the year of our Hash two-thousand and fourteen.

With all respect due,

Puff the Magic Drag Queen

Acting Scribe

Surf City H3