Monthly Archives: January 2015

Trail 781 – Death by Eucalyptus

Intro Photo

Surf City trail started out at JJ’s in Soquel, which many of you may remember from early December when it was pouring outside and the hares took us on a short trail which ended at Summer Yeast’s salon, Redz on Porter St. The pack showed up in hippie attire, in honor of the supreme hippie, Hugh Heifer (although she was nowhere to be seen). I heard someone say they saw her talking to a man with an eye dropper and some sugar cubes out back and got into his van. I’m not one to gamble but I bet she had a better time that us.


After a little drinksy at the bar, hares Twisted Fister, Stub Rub and Summer’s Yeast took off….. as we looked at our watches we saw it was already approaching the 7 o’clock hour as they left. I guess when you’re drinking and having a good time you forget you have a job to do.

Pack circled up not long after the hares left and quickly took off on our hunt for the hares (and their liquor)! A quick false was set on Porter right before we got to Summer’s Yeast Salon, I think after our last visit she wants to make it clear that we’re not invited back there again. Up the hill we went towards 41st. As we followed trail up we all heard TIMMY yelling at us all to come back from the other side of the street. TIMMY had excitedly found the boob check, but since we were all already up the hill I didn’t see one hariette who was game to run down, flash and run back up again. Rumor has it Bacon Queef and Just Foot Pussy stumbled across this later and she showed him her boobs. Poor guy only gets to see he future (first) wive’s boobs during boob check. Wait until marriage JFP, it doesn’t get much better!


The hares took us down into some shiggy and as we went down the path, almost every single person slid down on the eucalyptus pods that had fallen on trail. It was like walking on marble. Pink Cherry Liquor has pod shaped bruises on her legs and some poison oak she got from rubbing up against Fap Jack, who I hear has poison oak so bad he decided to pour gasoline on himself for relief. That’s pretty bad! I think this trail may have been scouted at night (or maybe not at all!)

After a edging the boundaries of the school, there was a turkey/eagle split that I think the hares laid backwards. The turkey hill was a straight up climb while the eagles had a nice, slower incline. Nice one hares, nice one ūüôā

Top of the Hill

On top of the hill, was a nice little feast with bread, fruit, cheese, wine and Jack Daniels. After a bite to eat and a swig of the old JD we made our way down a deer trail into a more residential area where trail went through a little park then wrapped us back downtown Soquel where we found beer check in a parking lot behind Senor Frogs.

Beer Check

As I was getting a beer out of the cooler, I heard a man telling Puff the Magic Drag Queen how we shouldn’t be drinking in the parking lot. I’m thinking we are definitely going to get kicked out, so of course I walk away and start to quickly drink my beer in case my fears come true. The next time I look over I see Puff handing him a beer out of the cooler. Now. what did we learn here? Everyone has their price! And for this guy, it was just a beer and some sweet talking from Puff. I know folks, Puff was being nice! I wouldn’t have believed it either except that I saw it with my own two, squinty eyes.

SLO Hash Shit

Once the pack collected themselves, we headed over to religion which was held a bit off to the side from the back of JJ’s. As we walked over I saw Thmp-Thmp joining us with his hiking pack on. Now I know him and Princess are into camping but I thought this guy might be over-doing it. Turns out, it’s the SLO Hash Shit. Surf City has had this thing for quite a while and still, no one has come to claim it. What a shame, there’s some good looking collector’s items on there. Perhaps we could raffle it away at our Red Dress? You know, for charity and all!

Beer Fairy

Hooker on Kronix, Bitch was elected Beer Fairy and we quickly got into our first order of business; BackSliders!


Twisted Fister was first to explain his case and although I didn’t hear everything I think he said he was running from some young porn charges the police were trying to charge him with. I guess they must have detained him for weeks since we hadn’t seen him since maybe before Christmas!

Diddler on the Roofie was the next backslider to plead his case, who really didn’t make any excuses for not wanting to hang out with us but I heard he was on some 007 top secret James Bond mission. Next time we want to see the pen that turns into a parachute.

Bacon Queef was the last to beg us for mercy in shaming her for her backsliding, who thinks planning her wedding is somehow more important that Hash Night. Geez….

Occasional RU

Occasional Rapist was the first one called up for crimes on trail, every 20 feet or so, she was calling out “RU” at the pack.

Diddler Accu

Diddler got a little frisky with Accuprick on trail and while he was pushing his butt going up the hill, Accuprick claims Diddler’s had slipped and he got a little surprise! I guess Diddler really does miss and love us!


Fucked Over Fest had a story to tell us about his run down to JJ’s to meet for the hash. We all know Fucked Over Fest is secretly a gang banger and as he was running down to JJ’s he passed one of his rivals, a 16 year old high school kid who caught FOF on his territory. FOF didn’t have his fellow gang members with him, so he put on his Clark Kent glasses and tried to pretend to be someone else. I wonder how his run home went?

Tits N Game was brought up to explain the spam she sent out earlier in the week. I hear she gets $100 for every person she gets to sign up for, so she posted some enticing article about nudists which quickly turned into a fuck buddy site. I think she made $800 that week.


When Accuprick asked if there was any other business we needed to take care of, newly named Shartickle Physics was adamant in knowing the “policy” on nudity. The “formal policy” is that we love it! We’d like to see more of it! Cock Throbbin made a joke about not being able to see any of it when it’s out and was given a down-down with Shartickle for his need for policy.

Hares 2

And the hares! Let’s not forget these half-minds who tried to make trail and tried to have us plummeting to our death via eucalyptus pods. Look at Summer’s face! She is obviously bummed their plan didn’t work and is devising a way to kill us on the next trail. If you need any pointers, that seems something I excel in (although Summer’s Yeast was still so disgusted by my trail the week before she threw her wine on me during religion).

For all who will be attending the Stupor Bowl this coming weekend at Shallow Hole and Waxi Pad’s place, remember that it is a BYOB event. If you haven’t RSVP’s yet, you’re not getting any of the bottom dwellers to eat and you may be forced to eat the vegan food I am bringing if you don’t bring something to share. Imminent death right there!

Until next time! May the Hash go in Peace!

Ho 2 Houswewife

Hash # 780 on January 15, 2015

780barHash #780 started out innocently enough at Discretion Brewery on 41 st.  Ho to Housewife and Dog Breath were the Hares this week.  Waxi Pad made a rare appearance at the hash because he works down the street from the bar.  We had  visitors this week, K9 Snowball, Just Daniel and their dog were visiting from Charleston, South Carolina.  They said they were moving to San Francisco.  Boy did they pick the wrong week to visit!

780haresThey say a picture is worth 1000 words.¬† What does this picture tell you about this week’s trail?¬† Check out the look on their faces!¬† I see fear of being lynched!¬†¬†¬†Dog Breath is thinking he’s going to be put on hare probation again.¬† Ho to Housewife is thinking she’s definitely getting voted worst trail of the year.¬† Waxi Pad, Flip Flops on the Rocks and Wicked Retahted bailed on trail and went and got dinner instead.¬† They turned out to be the smart ones!¬† Go figure!¬† My GPS measured trail at 6.39 miles.¬† The pack was promised a Turkey/Eagle split, but that was just a bunch of BS.¬† Shitty is kind description of this trail.¬† The Hares trespassed on private property¬†and pissed off some residents near the Oil Can Henry’s on Soquel and Rodeo Gulch Road.¬† Trail lead into a shiggy area under a bridge.¬† When the FRB’s got to the area, there was a crazy lady under the bridge screaming at us and waving a gun.¬† When I¬†crossed the bridge, she screamed at me to stay off her property or she was going to blow my head off.¬† At first I thought it was just another Santa Cruz loony blowing smoke.¬† But when I looked down at her and my headlamp lit the area, she really was waving a gun.¬†¬†Thmp-Thmp and dBASED were the only ones that went down there and¬†managed to escape unharmed.¬† The FRB’s waited for the rest of the pack and made sure no one went down there.¬† We¬†decided to go up North Rodeo Gulch Road and look for where the trail 780woodscame out of the woods.¬† We found flour and continued on trail.¬† If that wasn’t enough, the Hares lead the pack¬†back into the woods.¬† The Hares made their own trail through the woods.¬† There was a shit load of poison oak!¬† We finally got through the shiggy¬†and exited on Benson St, and headed¬†toward Thurber.¬† There was a¬†liquor check on Thurber in the woods.¬† Trail continued on Thurber down to Soquel, crossed Soquel and we found ourselves¬†in front of¬†Moe’s Alley.¬† When Princess Di (arrhea) and Occasional Rapist got to Moe’s, they said fuck this shit and went into the bar, got a drink and a cab ride back to the start.¬† Brilliant!¬† Trail went on, and on, and on.¬† We crossed the freeway, and ended up by Holy Cross Cemetery on 7th.¬† The remainder of the trail was a long haul down Capitola Road to the Capitola Mall, down 41st to the beer check at the Capitola Sports Bar across from the mall.¬† The only hashers that made it to beer check were Yours Truly, Thmp-Thmp, TIMMY!!!, Just Frank, Just Daniel and the dog.¬† The rest of the pack gave up on trail and went to religion in the Home Depot parking lot.¬† No one wanted to come to beer check, so Waxi Pad picked us up and drove us to religion.

780beerfairyAccuprick was RA, and Electric Labia Land was Beer Fairy.¬† Flip Flops on the Rocks and Wicked Retahted drank for going to the Chinese restaurant instead of trail.¬† A bunch of hashers (Occasional Rapist, Cumcerto, Hooker on Kronix Bitch, Electric Labia Land, Pink Cherry Licker, Just Nate, Wicked Retahted) were punished for not having whistles.¬† Accuprick had blood on trail.¬† Not sure what happened there.¬† Thmp-Thmp and dBASED gave their account of the crazy lady with a gun¬†near death experience.¬† Visitors K9780visitors Snowball and Just Daniel were welcomed to the hash.¬†¬†A bunch of hashers (Occasional Rapist, Princess Di (arrhea), Shallow Hole, Just Frank, TIMMY!!!, Just Daniel and Thmp-Thmp) drank for auto hashing.¬† I drank again in celebration of my 169th hash!¬† Get a life!¬† We had a naming!¬† It was Just Frank’s 5th hash.¬† He¬†is known for wearing short shorts, being a nudist, and doing physics.¬† ¬†So he got named Sharktickle Physics!¬† And last but not least, the Hares…………

But Seriously, folks.¬† We’re a drinking club with a running problem.¬† I am a known racist and don’t care how long¬†the trails are.¬†¬†But¬†on Thursday night¬†we don’t need to be out running at midnight.¬† In my opinion, trails longer than 3 miles should have a Turkey/Eagle split.¬† A large contingent of the pack are walkers and everybody should have a good time.¬† Also,¬†lately I’ve had some interactions with¬†neighbors who come out of their houses to see what all the screaming, whistles and commotion is all about.¬† So keep it cool and don’t piss anyone off.¬† We don’t want to draw any¬†negative attention to ourselves and have the cops called on us.

On On,

Shallow Hole

Hash 779

Hash 779 started with hashers gathered around the bar (where you can usually find them) at Palomar in the harbor and a group of harriettes gathered around backslider Penis Is Good For Me fondling his stiff necklace.

Sausage Sampler visited from Quad Cities, Iowa and showed us how they hash over there. If he’s their representative they must be a crazy batch of hashers.


After a round or two, Father Daughter Hare Duo TIMMY!! and Pink Cherry Licker set out and hashers warmed up with another beer before heading out after them.

Trail started through the parking lot and up 6th Avenue where there was a lot of confusion and circling back on each other. Eventually trail was found again and we headed further into the harbor.  This trail was brutal with a YBF that extended past Simpkins and not one LC!

Finally, this trail came to an end at Twin Lakes Park where DFL Just Foot Pussy strolled in after hashers had already been boozing it up for a bit.


Hooker on Chronics Bitch was talking some trash about being Urkel then told everyone to keep it quiet. She was talking to the hash scribe so that plan was blown like a toothless prositute.

Religion was picturesque with a bonfire on Twin Lakes Beach. In a rare sympathetic moment, Co-GM ThmpThmp decided religion should move away from the AA group meeting at the bonfire next door to show some respect. That may have been a neglected crime that night. Especially considering the AA-ers torched a rocking horse in their bonfire 20 minutes later. Innocence was burned to the ground, resulting in some awesome hash trash that Fucked Over Fest threatened to leave in some Hasher’s beds if they don’t’ watch it.

As hashers circled up, Wicked Retarhded introduced himself (again) to fellow hashers. Dog Breath & Dung Fu stripped down and jumped in the ocean. Turns out shrinkage is a real thing, folks.

Accuprick was the RA and Canadian Penny Slut was the Beer Fairy.

Hashers were rowdy as usual.

Dog Breath & Dung Fu were called up for their cold water swim and hashers sang “It’s a small dick after all.”

Dung Fu lost his shorts at least once and Finger Nipps couldn’t keep her hands off his horns.


Sausage Sampler was called up for visiting from Queer City Hash.

We all know hashers are bad at foreplay and tonight was no exception, they kept starting songs in the middle of a verse then everyone else kept singing over and over and over.

Then the backsliders were called up for a down-down:
Summers Yeast
Stub Rub
Just Foot Pussy
Fucked Over Fest
Broke Bench

Anyone who didn’t have a bottle opener was called up, which included pretty much everyone.

Maybe these lazy hashers will have bottle openers next time?!?!
Maybe these lazy hashers will have bottle openers next time?!?!

Occasional rapist was called out by (current) husband dBASED for technology on trail.

Then the Hares!

TIMMY!! & Pink Cherry Licker answer for their shitty trail
TIMMY!! & Pink Cherry Licker answer for their shitty trail

Accuprick accused the trail of losing hashers. Pink Cherry Licker told a story about letting her real crazy out while she ran on the tracks to ward off other crazies. The trail was 5 miles long and left some hashers in the dust looking for shortcuts.

That’s the Hash Trash, wankers!

Cock Throbbin


Trail 778, Total SHIT

Shit Car

SHIT! Yep, that about says it all about this evening. Hares Occasional Rapist and dBASED got a hare-brained idea to drag us out ocean side on one of the coldest nights of the year. Hashers gathered cliff side in La Selva Beach, a (previously) quiet little town. As soon as the hares left, the rest of the pack was of course up to no good. Pink Cherry Liquor brought along some ‚Äúcreative‚ÄĚ versed decals. She wanted to put ‚Äúvagina‚ÄĚ on the cooler, but it wouldn’t stick. Instead, she left dBASED a little note on his vehicle letting him know we already knew what trail was going to be like, ‚ÄúSHIT‚ÄĚ!

Cold Hashers

The pack, almost frozen in place by now, soon took off onto trail. The hares showed us everything La Selva has to offer, which isn’t much. A church, a post office and a corner store. Other than the guy who runs the store, I’m pretty sure we were the only ones out that night. Only the promise of money or beer could get anyone out in this weather.

Liquor Check Half Pack

The FRB’s stumbled across liquor check and found a bottle of peppermint schnapps with the bottle cap broken off, leaving sharp, jagged plastic edges for us to cut our mouths open on. Oh boy, what a treat!

Church Photo First

After a series of speed bumps and a butt and thigh load of hills we finally got to beer check, which was at the La Selva Community Church, a parking lot we were taken through earlier on trail. Although starting to freeze again, hashers happily drank their cold brews.


Religion took place back at the starting point, where we tried to keep ourselves warm by putting on more layers and dancing around to the songs the nice lady in our head sings to us. Dung Fu was RA and elected Finger Nips as beer fairy. They got going quickly and first up was the part of the pack that missed liquor check.


Missed LC

What was close to half of the group, Fap Jack, Pink Cherry Licker, Princess Di(arrhea) and Thmp-Thmp  all somehow missed LC, but they did save themselves the mouth trauma inflicted by the broken bottle top.

Fap Jack told us some sad story about how he works too much, and he tried to apologize for letting a little thing like work interfere with his hashing. It might take some of those rosemary fries to get us to really forgive you.

We shamed dBASED for having his 625 analversary with Surf City. Seriously dude, get a life.

The Hares

And the hares! Occasional and dBASED were taunted and hissed at by frozen hashers who had just completed a trail that was, you guessed it, ‚ÄúSHIT‚ÄĚ!