Monthly Archives: October 2015

Hash Trash #822, A karaoke debauchery

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And the hares

Frankly I do not know why my scribe requirements are needed at all since Puff said it all in the Hash Flash email, but either way here is my side of the story! Trail this week was laid by Dung-fu and Ho-to-housewife and if we learned any lessons its that more than one turkey eagle split can lead to confusion amongst a bunch of half-minds.    It started from coasters, a bar in the boardwalk bowl I have never had the pleasure of imbibing cheap drinks in. It then went on through the boardwalk and over the railroad tracks (though many of us said fuck that and walked on the nice safe pathway alongside the tracks). I have to say the sunset liquor check on point loma was

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Liquor check from Point Loma

arguably the least shitty party of trail and there were plenty of cherries to be popped along with it. The whole pack after being properly liquored up then proceeded to go down a false on Pilkington but it was quickly sorted out before again being confused by what wankers thought to be a mis-labeled turkey eagle split since two turkey-eagle splits were promised (it was actually just a plain old two-pronged check).

You can see how motivated the pack is to figure out a check

You can see how motivated the pack is to figure out a check

This led to poor Cumcerto and Puff being led on a false trail for likely too long before reuniting with the pack. Luckily for them the larger turkey group continually fucked up the proper trail so they were able to catch up. Pedofiddler marked trail wrong TWICE (she got her deserved down-downs) and visitor Apple bobber helped her in this by following a random runner (NOT a hasher) at the corner of Logan and Seaview and leading the whole pack astray. Somehow, however, everyone managed to make it to another liquor check (and finally beer check) and the second eagle split led the three brave souls willing to do it (puff, pedofiddler and cumcerto) on a much longer journey that I don’t know the details of.

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Jesus saves! Jesus saves! Jesus saves!

Religion was a whole other bout of fuck-ups. Dung-fu made a convincing spectacle as a Jesus impersonator. For tales on trail we discovered our visitor apple bobber shed blood on trail (also his 69th hash), puff almost killed a cat apparently, and summers yeast got a down down for some reason I missed (get over it I am not perfect). Dung-fu was thrilled that anyone ran his eagle trail since apparently this same trail happened before with no takers last year (apparently he does not learn his lesson). Let’s also give awful husband award to Just Foot Pussy who decided his wedding ring was already old and shitty enough to open beer bottles with (sorry Bacon Queef). And on that note Princess made it clear you wankers need to bring whistles and openers. When I was a “just” Accuprick called me out for asking people “do you have a thing?” [bottle opener was implied, or so I thought] so bring your own thing.

Some final announcements were made that next week is dress to the 69’s! Dress like its prom night and maybe you will get lucky! Also AGM is Nov 12th and its $25 at The Palomar. Finally the religion was just about done when dBased decided to leave his car (After sitting in it like a creeper for 15 minutes) and join the pack, obviously that warranted a down-down.

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Alcohol + Hashers + Karaoke = Endless Entertainment Value

And saving the best for last, the karaoke at on-after was epic. Some solid singing and dancing all around. PCL perfected love shack, Electric labia land managed to find the longest song in the song book and everyone knew their place when it came to back-up dancers. Highlight: PCL knocked Electric labia down to the ground in a 4 person mosh pit brought about by Just foot pussy’s song choice, she is okay (other than PTSD that will surely come from the incident).  I cannot wait to see what insanity next week’s hash will bring!

On-on,

Pussy Wood

 

Hash Trash #823 – Dress to the 69’s

While I would love to plead the fifth hole on this trail and never discuss it again, I have unfortunately made it my duty to share it with you all.

The Triple Hare Threat

The Triple Hare Threat

The hares Pink Cherry Liquor, Fap Jack and Dung-fu got things started at Callahan’s, a very classy establishment that we then tarnished with our half-assed formal attire.

The cheap (and stiff!) drinks and that Santa Cruz incense smell was a great place to pre-lube while also affixing fake mustaches, playing an awful game of pool and chit chatting.

I think the word "formal attire" scared some of the hashers

I think the word “formal attire” scared some of the hashers

 

All was well until the pack had to actually attempt trail. Right off the bat dBased was gone into the night leading the whole pack in the wrong direction and we only got back on trail thanks to Thmp (that should have been a chivalry on trail down-down).

Once back on trail we went walking along the poorly lit path and ended up on Branciforte. After a frogger-like cross of the road we were led through a neighborhood to PCL and

Classy as fuck mini-tini liquor check

Classy as fuck mini-tini liquor check

FapJack’s home for the classiest Liquor Check this hash has likely ever seen. Tiny martini glasses with gin or vodka and olives to top! It’s a shame Puff and dBased didn’t make it to this stop. We carried on trail back over to the seabright area. As the pack came out of an alley at San Juan and Parnell dBased appeared out of the darkness (who knows where he was, we would love to see the GPS trail of where he was the entire hash).  Princess mentioned we likely passed by the home of a woman who had given shit to her for being a hasher on a previous trail with our indecent and apparently difficult to remove chalk markings (perhaps next time trail leads by there we could sing her a hash song, possibly the one that goes “fuck you” a lot). Finally after a substantial amount of walking, where the most exciting thing to happen was Bacon Queef yelling “Penis”as a church service was getting out, we arrived at the home of Dung-fu for beer check where the classiness of the appetizers was cancelled out by the shittiest beer ever (Simpler Times).

Bacon Queef checks under Just Jo's skirt. Must be why she yelled "PENIS!" so loudly

Bacon Queef checks under Just Jo’s skirt. Must be why she yelled “PENIS!” so loudly

Soon after the pack wandered over to Casa de Puff for Religion.

Religion went a little something like this. Puff and Virgin Kevin were called out for their lack of fancy attire (although the in-n-out Hawaiian shirt on Virgin Kevin was pretty slick). Puff and dBased (shocker) didn’t make liquor check and got down downs for that (their loss!). We found out Timmy was apparently ditched at SJC, let’s pray for his safe return.  Rat Pussy got not one, but TWO chivalry down-downs for bartending and purple dicks. The backsliders gave some excuses about their lack of hashes, Herpes Handcock was in a coma from excessive masturbation and Courtesy Flush tried to give some long excuse that I think boiled down to being too busy eating burritos to hash. Bacon Queef got her down-down for scaring church-goers with her love of “PENIS!” and she felt like calling Thmp out for excessive urination on trail. Then it was time to sacrifice virgins and we found out there was incest among Virgin Kevin and his sister Just Jo because she made him cum. Both Virgin Kevin and Virgin Sasha’s jokes fell on deaf ears as everyone was focused on seeing some intimate body parts, but alas none were to be seen. We also had a naming!

Just Maureen becomes "Fifth Hole"

Just Maureen becomes “Fifth Hole”

Just Maureen will now be known as “Fifth Hole” from here on out because when we asked her what her favorite sex position was she said she wanted to “take the fifth” but being the half-minds we are we could not figure out what the fifth hole was that she enjoyed taking it in!

In conclusion, we definitely put the “ass” in “class” with this hash wankers.

On-on,

Pussy Wood

 

Hash Trash # 821 on 10/1/15

821haresOur Hares this week were New Kids on my Cock and dBASED. We started at Moe’s Alley.  It’s mainly a music venue. Every time we go there, there’s a band setting up and one or two patrons at the bar who give us strange looks.  We usually congregate on their back patio. Fingernips had surgery on her foot and showed up with a gimpy leg riding a fancy scooter.  It looked pretty cool, but when I took it for a spin it didn’t seem very stable.  Maybe it came from the discount medical supply store. Damn insurance!  We were also celebrating Summer’s Yeast’s birthday this week and were promised some kind of treats.

There was a turkey-eagle split. I measured the eagle trail at 3.73 miles.  It started out with a tour of Dominican Hospital grounds, then across the street to the cemetery.  There was a liquor check in the cemetery. It was leftover rum from the previous hash and tasted worse than I remembered.  There was a shiggy section up through the trails by Chaminade.  Lots of steps. Damn the hares! The turkey-eagle split was up at Chaminade near the pool.  Ho to Housewife and I heard someone yell “pool check” and a big splash.  It was Dung Fu Grip if course. The gate was open and he did a big cannon ball into the pool.  Luckily for the hotel guests he kept his shorts on!  Although it 821beercheckwas a lovely evening for a swim, no one else partook in the pool check.  We continued through more of the trails and exited on Katherine Lane.  Trail zig zagged through neighborhoods and eventually went down the hill too Thurber and circled around to beer check at Summer’s Yeast and Stub Rub’s house.  They served cake and cocktails and we got to visit with the cute little pugs.

Religion was in the Toys Are Us parking lot.821beerfairy  Accuprick was RA and Summer’s Yeast was Beer Fairy.  New Kids on my Cock got the first down down.  He said it was the 3 year anniversary of how he almost died from a brain hemorrhage, hence the hospital tour.  Speaking of medical issues, it seems that Surf City is plagued by medical issues.  Peddofiddler went blind in her right eye and it wasn’t the eye she recently had surgery on.  God help the other drivers on the road!  She got to the hash late and had to find trail on her own in the dark.  I guess if you are blind, you’re always in the dark, right?  Accuprick drank for being a backslider.  Six of Nine “almost” celebrated his 50th Surf City 821fnHash.  He didn’t pay so he didn’t get credit for the hash tonight.  He made a point to say how he brought his own beer to avoid paying 8 bucks! Just Maureen reported that she has hemorrhoids.  Peddofiddler has a uterus that hangs pretty low.  Fingernips fell off her scooter while trying to cross the street tonight, but luckily did not get hit by a car.  Cumfartzone was accused of having new shoes but nothing came of it.  Dung Fu grip celebrated his 125th Surf City Hash! Get a life!  We had a bum who crashed religion.  Someone gave him a beer821haresreligion and I thought I heard him volunteer to cohere with Ho to Housewife next week.  I don’t think we got his name. And last by not least, the Hares……….

On On,

Shallow Hole

Call for Nominations! AGM is Cumming Nov. 12!

Harriers and Harriettes,

It’s time to start setting your half-minds on erecting your new Mismanagement for Surf City’s Year 15! Feel free to nominate who you think the Hash could rely on for any of these positions (as long as they agree to it first­–consent is sexy!):

Beermeister
GM (Grand Master)
Hare Raiser
Religious Advisors
On-Sec
Social Sec (new position!)
Haberdasher
Hash Scribes

Descriptions of all of the positions are at the bottom of this message. Your new GM might make a few changes to the descriptions and delegations after the erection, but it’s a good guideline for now. Every position is important for pulling off the joy of Hashing every week. It takes fucking village! Yes! You can nominate yourself for something. Send nominations to Princess Diarrhea by emailing chadandjill -at- hotmail.com.

We also want your nominations for:
Worst Trail
Best Trail
Stupidest Act on Trail
Biggest Wanker

Details, schmetails:
AGM – Surf City H3’s Anal General Meeting
Thursday, November 12th, 6:33pm
El Palomar, in the “fiesta room”, 1336 Pacific Ave, Santa Cruz, CA 95060
$25 will feed, booze and schwag you. Bring extra $ in case we have to cut you off.
Hares Princess Di(arrhea) & Thmp-Thmp will be off at 7:00 for a short trail.
Please RSVP if you can cum so we can get a head count (who said head?). You can do this by emailing me chadandjill -at- hotmail.com or replying to the Facebook event. https://www.facebook.com/events/719618854835936/

On-on!
Princess Di(arrhea) & Thmp-Thmp

 

Surf City H3 Mismanagement Positions – Year 14

We are a disorganization of officers who work for free. All regular funds are spent on beer, snacks, haberdashery, events, and other necessary kennel expenses (like Valtrex™). All charity event funds are donated. These Wankers do their damnedest providing for good times each week. Honor!

Beer Meister
Timmy!!!
This is unquestionably the most important position in the Hash. The Beer Meister has the weighty responsibility of making sure that the lifeblood of Hashing is available at each and every Hash event. He/she keeps constant vigilance to find the finest beers at reasonable prices, always has coolers in the back of his truck, cases of beer in his garage, and reliably brings drinks and snacks for after trail. He transports kegs and disposes of the recycling and trash. While this might be a pain in the ass job, it’s undoubtedly the most important one to the Hash.

Grand Master/Grand Mattress (GM)
Thmp-Thmp & Princess Diarrhea
The grand poobah of the Hash. Gispert’s legacy. The GM has the distinctive dishonor of misleading Mismanagement, setting the year’s Hash events calendar, planning and coordinating events, delegating duties, calling meetings, and occasionally bailing the Hash out of trouble. Weekly, the GM approves trail announcements, passes out trail chalk for the pack, provides chalk talk to Virgins and Visitors, and is the timekeeper for the night’s chain of events. Keeper of the Hashit and (somewhat) sober herder of drunk hounds at events. A successful GM makes these chores seem transparent to the pack, but it is much work nevertheless.

Haberdasher
Pink Cherry Licker & FapJack
This is a person who has a knack for swag, a head for business (who said head?), and the showmanship of P.T. Barnum. She/he’s responsible for the design, procurement, warehousing, merchandising, and vending of items of apparel and various trinkets to the Hash. Procures kennel, award and event patches. Prior flea market or circus midway experience preferred.

Hare
Weekly Volunteer
She/he chooses well-thought-out locations for start, trail, beer check, religion, and on-on-on. Cums prepared to announce the trail’s start location at religion the week before. Writes up a trail announcement with trail details and submits it well before Thursday. Buys flour and brings something to carry it in to lay trail. Buys water and other fluids for beer check and liquor/bum wine check (the following week you will be paid back $2 per attendee). Always cums prepared to be lambasted for their shitty trail! Trail gives us something to do besides drink beer, so this is undoubtedly the second most important position of the Hash.

Hare Raiser
Twisted Fister
The Hare Raiser makes sure that there’s a hare (or hares) for each Hash, maintains the Hare Line on the website and makes sure the Hare makes the start location known to the Hash well in advance of Hash day. He/she recruits hares and matches new hares with experienced ones. Every Hasher is expected to set a Hash periodically. The Hare Raiser IS the hare if he can’t find anyone else to do it. Misguides inexperienced hares to prepare them to successfully lay a trail and to fully understand their hare responsibilities.

Hash Cash
Puff the Magic Drag Queen
The stingy holder of the purse strings. Keeps track of what comes in and what goes out (commonly referred to as “the old in and out”). Collects Hash cash at the start of each Hash, records each Hash attendee’s name for the On-Sec, and provides reimbursement for food and drinks used at the Hash. Hash Cash is responsible for protecting the Hash’s assets and general accounting of the funds. This trustworthy soul must withstand the whining of the Hares who have overspent, the whimpering of those who forgot their fees, and watch out for late-comers trying to dodge the fee. This position is appointed by the GM.

Hash Flash
Keeper of the Camera: Puff the Magic Drag Queen
Anyone can volunteer from week to week to capture for posterity all embarrassing Hash moments. The Hash flash must have an acute sense of the absurd to know what to take photos of and to write snarky captions about them. The Keeper of the Camera must have a small degree of reliability to bring the Hash camera and upload the photos to the Hash’s Flickr album.

Hash Scribe
Shallow Hole, Ho to Housewife & Cock Throbbin
The Hash Scribe does the write-up of each r*n and disseminates said Hash Trash. There are several good reasons to become scribe. The most important is that you get to write down anything dumb and stupid that your fellow Hashers have done on trail, while avoiding writing about all the dumb and stupid things you have done on trail.

On-Sec
dBASED
This position is the masochist’s dream and the nerd’s delight. She/he deciphers the Hash Cash’s scribbles as to who attended, tallies the Hash Count each week, manages the member database, and updates the email Hound Directory. He’s the sch3.net webmaster, manages the Yahoo Groups email list and Facebook page and sets up the yearly Hash Google calendar. Prints the business cards. Boring stuff to say the least, but vital.

Social Sec
New Position for Year 15!
The slutty mouth of the kennel! She/he reliably posts and promotes event and weekly trail announcements far and wide via social media, email lists and calendars. Keeps an eye on other kennels’ postings for interesting events and shares them back with SCH3. Keeps a finger on the throbbing member of Hash events.

Religious Advisor
AccuPrick & Dung Fu Grip
Keeper of the faith. Enforcer of the scriptures. She/he is the keeper of the Sacred Rules of Hashing (there are no rules, only traditions) and comes up with sufficiently plausible lies to both punish and protect the (not-so-)innocent. He leads circle after trail is finished, including leading in song and namings, and doles out punishment with down-downs. Heed his warnings of “HASH HUSH!” because warm shitty beer will still be warm after your ass is frozen from parking it on an ice block.

Shout out to harrier.net and candh3.com for their great material we thieved from. Thanks, guys! xo

Hash Trash # 820 on 9/24/15: Pussy Wood’s Virgin Hare

820haresIt was a lovely warm evening in Santa Cruz. The pack convened on the outdoor patio of Santa Cruz Mountain Brewery.  It was Pussy Wood’s Virgin Hare. She even brought a Virgin sacrifice to the occasion. Virgin Ciana didn’t know what she was in for!  Fap Jack and Pink Cherry Liquor were substitute Beer Meister this week because TIMMY!!! was on vacation. They brought a free keg of wine they got from Santa Cruz Mountain Winery.  They were giving out the free kegs to wine club members! Score!  I belong to several wine clubs and never got a bonus like that!  Probably should check them out! Free wine for all the hashers…………….

Ho to Housewife broke Pussy Wood’s cherry with a very pleasant trail on the West Side.  It was 3.5 mile loop.  The halfmind hares started out by putting a boob and package check 820boobcheckright next to Garfield Park where a bunch of little kids were playing.  There was a check near the Circle Jerk Church. Trail led to California Street and left along the dirt trail along Bay Avenue, then down National. There was a liquor check of Whaler’s rum at Lighthouse Field Park.  Cute name considering we’ve been lucky enough to see whales close to shore on West Cliff Drive. Trail continued down West Cliff Drive just as the sun was setting. It was quite 820beercheckpicturesque.  Some hashers stopped to take romantic sunset selfies. There was a second liquor check at Cock Throbbin’s house. She’s still MIA due to plantar fasciitis.  Beer check was in Garfield Park, but cut short by a cop who stopped by to politely tell us to move on.

Religion was in back of Safeway.  dBASED was RA because Accuprick, Dung Fu Grip were traveling and were outside the PST time zone.  New Kids on my Cock was Beer Fairy.  dBASED drank for doing his normal dBASED routine and missed the turkey-eagle split. We had a visitor from Korea- Semper Jackus.  Pink Cherry Licker and Fap Jack got called up for staying on West Cliff too long taking romantic sunset selfies.  New Kids on my Cock drank for being a backslider.  Virgin Ciana told a lame joke. Dog Breath accused the hares of putting the boob and package 820haresreligionchecks too close to the park.  I’m sure he was freaked out when he saw the cop at beer check.   He probably has a court order not to be within 200 yards of schools and parks where children are playing.  Religion was stopped short because the Safeway security folks came out and told us to leave. Pussy Wood was sad the she didn’t get to hear the song for the Hares, so here goes. Sing it in your head.

And the hares,

And the hares,

And the hares,

And the hares,

On her d!cky-di-doe,

Hangs down to her knees.

One black one, one white one,

And one with a bit of sh!te on,

And one with a fairy light on,

to show us the way.

And the hares,

And the hares,

And the hares,

And the hares,

On her d!cky-di-doe,

Hung down to her knees.

S-H-I-T-T-Y T-R-A-I-L

On On,

Shallow Hole

Hash Trash # 814

Initially I was excited about Trail 814 since I really only had to travel a mile down the road to get there, then I showed up and did trail. Incredibly wet & shitty!

Our Hares from Left to Right: Liar, Liar, Liar

Our Hares from Left to Right: Liar, Liar, Liar

The pack met up at The Hop Head, the only place in Scotts Valley you can get decent beer, Hares Twisted Fister, The Human Pube and Monthly Friend told us lies, like more lies than they normally tell then took off like their parole officer just walked in.

Did you say you had beer?

Did you say you had beer?

The pack drank more beer then decided it might be a good idea to do trail, boy were we wrong! We should have just stayed at the DRY bar. Upon leaving the Hop Head trail took us across Scotts Valley Drive and through the Granite Creek Business Park, exiting us onto San Augustine Way then dropping us back down to Scotts Valley Drive via Grace Way and Willis Rd. Scotts Valley Drive is about the most BORING and busiest street in Scotts Valley, sounds like a great place to take people…. for what seemed like 5 miles before giving us a liquor check in the back parking lot of Bailey’s Properties where we were hosted Irish Car Bombs.

Why isn't anyone following us?

Why isn’t anyone following us?

Trail leaving liquor check went straight into Carbonera Creek for eagles and across the bridge and parallel to the creek for turkeys. Dung Fu and myself were the only two brave enough to do the eagle trail so I can only share my experience there. We shared berries that were likely pissed on by some random and were practically swimming at some points. Dung Fu had to rescue me from the tendrils of a blackberry plant that grossly interfered with trail. We apparently missed the exit and had to jump the fence into an RV park. We ended up back on SV Drive and were able to pick up trail again. Our swim took so long all turkeys had finsihed and a search and rescue hash team was sent out for us. Ya, hashers saving us… hmmmm…. I think they might be better at the “point and laugh” gig.

Beer Check

We held religion in the parking lot of dBASED’s work again. Accuprink decided to actually show up and was our RA, Cum Fart Zone was out beer fairy. As religion was started someone spotted Waxi Pad slipping in for free beer, he wasn’t there at start of trail. He even brought beer mop along for a visit.

Virgin Julie

Virgin Julie

We celebrated Puff the Magic Drag Queen’s 800th time of having the runs, and Shallow Hole trying to catch up with 200 times. We had a virgin someone fooled into coming to the hash, Virgin Julie, who told us a joke. Heard it! We also had a hare snare! Fap Jack and Banana Basher snared The Human Pube on SV Drive. Nice! After a few more down-downs we made our way over to The Hop Head for on-after.