Never thought you would see the day when a scribe was actually waiting on Hash Flash to be up so they could post the Trash did you? Well the apocalypse is here so make sure you get Rat Pussy to help you stock up on your booze for the end of the world! Anywho, here is the short and shitty post for the short and shitty trail.

We started things off a Steel Bonnet brewing in Scotts Valley, a nicer establishment than I suppose a lot of the pack is used to but we were behaved for the most part. We didn’t get far before we hit our first speed check…and then another…and another until we finally made our way into a park. The frogs were so loud we couldn’t hear the people up ahead and Brokebench did one of his high-pitched horror movie screams and the frogs got shut down it was impressive. The same jokester also made a star wars joke with a trashcan lid (see photo)

. Ultimately we just got circle jerked to beer check. I was the first to find beer check and it was just Hugh huddled in the dark with her little red wagon filled with beer who looked at me and said “SHHHH SIT DOWN WITH ME AND BE QUIET” so we creeped in the dark until the rest of the Turkey pack arrived. Since eagle trail was longer we just waited for a while until we saw the first headlamps over the hill at which point some worked REALLY hard to shut us the fuck up so we could creep in the dark and make the eagles go out of the way before making it to beer check. We were quiet for a quite a while not counting the various burps and farts. Turkey trail was only just over a mile, the eagles got taken up and around and SHOULD have had to circle jerk but Shallow had to wise up and yell “HEY GUYS THERE IS A SHORTCUT!” What a buzzkill! Honestly shit didn’t get too weird on trail other than what I already described, it was short. I can tell you it was in fact, a shitty trail, no really, Chewie took a shit the size of an infant and Princess later stepped in what she described as a “greasy” shit (ewwww), someone’s dog is getting into the bacon grease!

Then it was time for religion in the business park nearby the start. Probably the most shocking tale from trail was that 6 of 9 ACTUALLY PAID! Shocker! (not that kind of shocker) He also got his 50^th hash patch. Steamy Baanorrhea and I got our 25 hash patches, and accuprick reached 200 (get a life!). This week also came with quite a few backsliders, Princess, Brokebench, Hangs Loose, Thmp, Slownad and our RA, Accuprick. At some point some muggles walked by and the song went from hash-worthy to Thmp singing “row row row your boat…” but Hangs Loose clearly didn’t get why there was a switch because he proceeded to continue with “gently up my ass”. That’s one place to park a boat I suppose. Shallow got her down down for ruining the Turkeys fun and her man Waxi Pad got his for showing up only to start and religion. Finally the hares! Thanks for the short and shitty trail Hugh Heifer and dBased, but I think next time I’d rather sit here on my computer drinking a beer than run your shitty trail.

On On,

Pussy Wood

Dung Fu Grip summoned the pack to the Crepe Place for this week’s hash. It was a dark rainy night, but a good number of brave hashers came out ready to get wet.  Who doesn’t like to get wet?  We’re not going to melt, right?  All the fair weather hashers stayed home and missed all the fun.  Pussies!  Dung Fu Grip was recently back in Michigan and said he was inspired to try out new trail markings on us.  He tried to give the pack instructions, but I’m not sure anyone was listening.  We are a bunch of halfminds, remember?

The rain was coming down pretty steady when the pack headed out. There were marks leading toward Seabright, so everyone staggered in that direction.  It went right down Seabright, right on Effey Street, left on Cayuga, right on Broadway, left on Pennsylvania to Windham.  And then everything went to shit.  My Garmin map shows that I ran up and down Windham at least 4 times, trying to solve a check on a corner near Seabright and Windham.  A bunch of hashers scoured the area, but no luck.  We figured the marks got washed away.  I can attest to the fact that dBASED was actually on trail, and trying to solve the check.  But the fancy new trail marks proved to be too complicated for the halfminds of Surf City. After a while, we were cold and got tired of sloshing around in the puddles.  We decided to abandon hope and turned back.  Pink Cherry Licker called the Hare to tell him we were lost.  We all went to Religion at Dung Fu’s house.  My GPS measured trail at 2.72 miles, but not sure how long it was supposed to be.

Thank God for a covered carport and hot vegan buttered rum. Could’ve fooled me.  It tasted like butter.  Ho to Housewife and I brought dry clothes, so we were pretty happy.  The inflatable penis from Betty Ford 2 years ago made an appearance!  Dung Fu was also RA for the evening.  Talk about multi-tasking.  Fap Jack was Beer Fairy.  Dung Fu said he tried to do an “anti-rain” dance, but it didn’t work.  I guess not.  dBASED got called up for something.  Ho to Housewife celebrated her 69^th Surf City Hash!  Get a life!  Hugh Heifer drank for being a backslider.  Courtesy Flush got called up since he did not stop for a burrito on trail.  Bacon Queef drank for skipping trail.  She claimed to have shin splints.  Ya, right.  Muggle Kevin was welcomed to the hash.  Thank you for passing out the hot buttered rum!  And last but not least, the Hare……………

On On,

Shallow Hole

Last week’s trail was our first anal (ouch!) Glow Hash, or at least first since I’ve been hashing… which really isn’t that long…. We met at Aloha Grill on Portola, a location selected by the hare pair of Pink Cherry Liquor and Fap Jack. When myself and Shallow Hole arrived the place was dead with the exception of the back room being filled up by hashers and glow sticks. I got a very nice flashback of the 90’s rave hysteria, which in turn made me feel warm and nostalgic. The warm feeling would soon fade as it was a rather cool evening. The grill continued to fill up and soon mortals were invading our space, so our hare pair decided it was time to take off, but not before a bunch of lies were spewed at us. I swear I heard there was a going to be a liquor check, maybe I was just being hopeful.

It was so cold out the pack debated not doing trail and just heading straight for religion, but despite our knowing better, we followed trail. At least we TRIED to follow trail. When leaving Aloha we couldn’t even find true trail, turns out Rat Pussy was standing right on top of the true trail arrow so it took us a while to find it. We originally started down Portola but as it turns out, 18th was the way to go… or was it? We ran into a check at 18th and E Cliff that gave the hares a serious lead. There were upcapped falses in what seemed every direction. We finally found a small drop of flour stashed behind a telephone pole taking us farther east down E Cliff. Our next check was at Coastview, right before Corcoran Lagoon. We were all SURE the trail went up Coastveiw, nope! So back for some more on E Cliff until we hit 24th where there was another check. Myself and New Kids on my Cock went up 24th checking for trail, heard a whistle on E Cliff but decided to keep going down 24th, where we would eventually meet up with the pack again at Fresno & Baker, where there was another check. We wrapped back around to 26th and then took the asshole way (asshole way = being on Portola the whole way time) to beer near at Twin Lakes at the end of 14th.

Beer Near made up for the asshole way as our hares greeted us with a great spot to watch the wild, incoming tide and supplied us with LED balloons. They had one request as they handed us each a balloon, don’t leave it behind and especially don’t let it go into the ocean. Well, not 5 minutes later we see New Kids kicking his balloon towards the ocean, We are all shouting “be careful”, “come back here”, “don’t let that go in the ocean”. He hears us yelling, turns around and walks towards us, leaving his balloon in the tide, I thought Miss PCL was going to make him sit in the corner the way she went after him! Dung Fu went and saved the balloon, and likely a few ocean critters in the process.

We decided it was time to move onto religion. Shallow Hole and I had parked on Johans Beach Drive thinking we were at the right spot to access Sunny Cove. As we approached her vehicle we saw some old school car and both assumed it was the beer wagon. So we approach and realize, THOSE ARE NOT OUR FRIENDS INSIDE! We interrupted some teens getting high in their car, funny….. They were actually super nice and complimented all our glow gear and we apologized for shining our headlamps at their squinty eyes, Turns out the access to Sunny Cove for religion was over on Sunny Cove Drive, who would have ever figured that shit out?

So, as each of us descended the slimy and slippery stairs onto the beach Finger Nips watched each of us intently then decided she didn’t want to have surgery on her knee again and went home to have her own religion. She likely picked up some young, hot stud on the way, smart woman! Timmy!!! was nice enough to bring a fire pit and ran into Bacon Queef and Just Foot Pussy (who didn’t do trail but came to religion for the free beer) who helped him get it down the stairs onto the beach. He even brought kindling and a brand new long-stem lighter to safely light the fire. Unfortunately, Timmy!!! could not get the damn thing to work. He flicked it and flicked it and flicked it again, this man didn’t give up. PCL decided it was time for a woman to step in, she looked at the lighter and found that there was a plastic piece on the end that was preventing the flame from coming out. Yes! This should do the trick…. damn it, it’s still not working! I decide there needs to be three hashers trying to light the fire now, so I give it a shot. I discover that the flame control is set all the way down, pretty much in the off position, so I flick that on and alas, we got fire. So, it takes three hashers to get a fire going but each one played an important part in figuring that difficult shit out!

Finally, we can get onto religion, our RA for the evening was Dung Fu. New Kids was given a down-down for his balloon fiasco , Wicked and Pussy Wood were given down downs for missing beer check, our hare-pair and Timmy!!! were given down-downs for wearing matching LED caps given to them by Mrs. Timmy!!! for Christmas, Timmy!!! was given another down-down for not being able to properly use a lighter and Achy-Breaky Snatch was given a patch for her 25th Surf City hash!

Before we could leave though, we felt the need to light fire to the abandoned Christmas tree that someone left on the beach. It’s been a wetter year that the last few here in Santa Cruz so it didn’t quite go up in flames but rather just kind of glowed and sparkled. Dung Fu brought his fire staff and brought that out for us all the try, I think most of us were starting to freeze through the first few layers of skin so we were happy to just watch him perform for us. I have no idea where on-on-on was, so touch shit if you want details on that.

Tonight’s trail will be hared by Dung Fu and we will start at The Crepe Place on Soquel. You know the drill, show up a bout 6:30 and drink some beer. Dung Fu promises this will have an option to make it a slightly longer trail but that he will keep the shorter distance hashers happy too. Hope to see you there!

On-On,
Ho to Housewife

Honestly, this trail had potential to go wrong in so many ways, and shockingly, it did not! Is this an omen for this new year of hashing? I hope not, trails that work out fine are harder to talk shit on, which is my job.

This week’s trail was a pick up hash, getting creative for the new year! Also it was a 1 pm on a Friday and having some sunlight for our hash was a nice change. Our first two hare’s and overall organizers Pink Cherry Liquor and Princess Diarrhea set up a variety of checkpoints with a “TN” aka “Treasure Near” and the first person to arrive at the TN became the hare for the next leg of trail. The treasure was booze obviously.

We started at Santa Cruz Mountain Brewery, where people could not decide whether it was too hot inside or too cold outside but after a solid alcohol layer most of the pack found themselves outside. Drinking was had, Hangs Loose and his dire wolf Poon Doggy (Chewie) were very popular amongst everyone in the brewery. Then it was time for hares to be off!

The first leg of trail led us over to swift and mission, across the road and up in the direction of the bike trail where the first treasure of cheap champagne was found.

AhhtoBahng Ständer was the finder of the first treasure and led us on a short but checked trail over by the small bike park off western and mission, here we found some mimosa to wash down the plain old champagne from the first check. Dung-fu then led us over to Antonelli pond although not before having a back check of 4 marks leading some of the FRB’s rather far. Boner Malfunction clearly could not read the “No Dumping” sign as he dropped trou just underneath it on this leg of the trail. We were then led on a smaller trail around the apartment complex and over the railroad tracks (Scary!).

We found treasure there with a bloody mary concoction. Thmp-thmp and Twisted Fister took trail over from there leaving Toilet Baby with Dung-fu, a good plan in case we could not follow their trail and we needed her to pick up their scent. They led us over to and through natural bridges where we drank a white wine next to the restrooms…maybe it really was just piss collected there. Ho to Housewife and Shallow Hole then took us through the neighborhoods where some hares had to wait for a man and some kids to pass by before they could show off their goods.

Apparently a similar incident happened when some harriettes scared off some teenage boys with their tits at a boob check, perhaps hashing when it is light out isn’t really for us after all as it scares the locals. Finally we made it to West Cliff and over the edge of a cliff where beer was awaiting us and we were able to relax and enjoy the waves.

From beer check we made our way over to Religion which was in the Re-store on the westside thanks to Dung-Fu. First up for down-downs were the harriettes who scared those teens with their tits, Cumcerto, Anal Fullcum, Pink Cherry Liquor, and Achy Breaky Snatch.

Naturally the package check boys were to follow for their down downs (AhhtoBahng, Boner Malfunction, Dual Tools and Saigon Sally). Then Saigon Sally called me out for drunk scribing (whatever, how else am I supposed to get through this shit?). I then had to drink again because I took a picture of Boner Malfunction breaking the rules and dumping *see photo*. Visitors then had to drink, Ahhhtobahng, Saigon Sally, Hangs Loose, Paki-sack, Dual tools up my ass, Anal Fullcum, and Boner Malfunction. Hangs loose and snapping twat were at the same interhash in 2001 and had to drink for being old? I missed that. I did not miss it because I was sleeping, however, that was dBased and he had to drink. As usual those who made the mistake of following dBased, Trans-Cunt-n-Anal, Cumfart zone and

Twisted fister had to drink, possibly to forget that they made such an obviously huge mistake. And the Hares! The many many hares, you can go up and read about who they were in the beginning of this post, I am lazy and this trash is long enough. Next week is the GLOW hash people! Bring out your glow sticks (take a moment on that euphemism).

The hash finally made its way back over to Santa Cruz Mountain Brewery even though I think it was supposed to be West End. Many stayed quite late drinking and shooting the breeze, it was a long hash and a shitty one for sure!

All that said, I would like to end this post with a quote from Dung-fu our RA, who said at the end of religion that this hash was “The human centipede of ass pain” I doubt many of us would argue that.

On-on,

Pussy Wood