Monthly Archives: January 2017

Sausage fest

This hash trash was originally supposed to be written by Occasional Rapist. The day went like this:

1:06 My legs are sore. It’s going to rain. I have to help a friend with a project. Can you write the hash trash?
1:13 Never mind, I am doing the project now.
2:46 Even though my legs are sore, I am going.
5:26 I have too much work to do. I am not going.
9:00 Did you remember you are writing the hash trash?

I should have made Occasional Rapist be the scribe any way. Not attending is no excuse. This reminds me of many moons ago when I was the On-Sec for the Long Beach Hash. Back in those days we had a weekly printed hash trash. The scribe was different every week and back in the those pre-internet days I got the write-up in all sorts of interesting manners. One of my most frequent contributors was Doggy Style. She was quite good and always made her deadline. However, one week she fucked up. I happened to be in Boston the week of that week’s hash. So, I wrote the hash trash and every third sentence was “Fuck you Doggy Style”, in an attempt at humor. Some saw the humor, others did not. I got a Pie in the face from Riff Raff over that Hash trash. We had an “On-Disk” (97-Sex) who was in charge of mailing out the hash trash to members who did not attend. She considered my write-up pornography and tore it off every Hash trash that was mailed. This was later reported back to me and I think I was supposed to be upset, but I just laughed. (BTW, I am hoping Finger Nips reads this and gets it to Doggy Style – whom I am told she and Riff Raff still know).

Hash 893 was the lowest attended hash in years. Because so few of you attended, I’m sure this is likely to be the most read hash trash in years as all those that missed are curious to know what happened.

There there 14 humans and 1 dog (Junk Puncher). There were only 3 humans of the female persuasion, and one of them only made it to the beer check (Ho To Housewife – who walked there from her house and was a pseudo hare).

There was impending rain in the forecast, but we were sparred the rain, which did not cum until a few hours later. I’m sure if this had been a Dung Fu Grip trail the rain would have been upon us. Perhaps we need to have Shallow Hole hare more often as she seemed to be able to fold off flood waters.

The most interesting topic at the start of the hash is why people were not there. Occasional Rapist and Pink Cherry Licker were reported to have work obligations. Timmy was at some fancy smancy concert. New Kids on Cock, who works just up the street from the start, was apparently still recovering from the demolition derby caused by fallen trees at his house earlier that week. Du Fu Grip reported to me a few days something like, he just wasn’t feeling up to it, or he couldn’t get a ride, or something like that. I’m imagining that Deadleast Snatch and Rat Pussy were afraid the THE Scotts Valley would might simply fill up with water and they would either be trapped there or need to swim for safety.

We’ve not seen much of Shallow Hole of recent. She seems to think her elderly dog and sometimes her blind husband (Waxi Pad) have higher priority than us. Even her initial co-hare, Cum Pumper, abandoned her. Last we saw Cum Pumper she reported she had had a date in Scotts Valley and might have reason to see us more often. I’m guessing that didn’t work out, or Cum Pumper would have some how made it to Scotts Valley for her haring obligation. Shallow Hole’s priority to the Hash was on full display tonight as the distance of the hash matched the attendance. I’m guessing she planned it on a small cocktail napkin the night before.

Our special guest star tonight was Deep Stroke. She is a street walker this days. That is, she delivers the mail and says she is on her feet 6 hours a day. In spite of this, or perhaps because of it, Deep Stroke claimed injury and was told me at the start she was not doing trail. However, somehow she made it to beer check unscathed to the mortal eye.

Across the street is a newly formed residence of Shallow Hole’s employer – Kaiser Permanente. It is also a residence of my former employer – Embarcadero Technologies. Most of people I used to work with there were laid off in the past year and I wondered if everyone who remained now worked from home. However, as we left the start I saw lights on, so it appeared someone was home. A few minutes into the hash we passed the back side and I saw people inside – so I know it’s not just a facade – people really do still work there.

The start of this hash started with a button hook through a housing complex just behind Kaiser and Embarcadero. We then hit San Augustine Way with a check. Another check was found at San Augustine Way and Hacienda. I figured Shallow Hole had to throw in a hill or two, so I checked left. However, trail continued on straight and through the only bit of shiggy of the night with short trail that connect to Sandrays Heights Rd.

In this brief section of trail I had cause to discuss a notorious Hasher in my past, Fruit of the Loom, with Thmp-Thmp.  Fruit of the Loom is kind of the Puff of the Long Beach Hash with one exception – no one likes him. When I left the Long Beach 25 some years ago, I got reports of him being punched out twice in the first 6 months I was gone. And that was 25 years ago. My children had heard me describe Fruit of Loom for years and the first time they did a Long Beach hash they picked him out of a crowd. Anyhow, somehow the discussion of staying on trail regardless of the conditions come up with Thmp-Thmp and I commented how Fruit does this religiously. His mantra is – “Try Hashing – you might like it”. I heard this a lot from him back in the day. It wasn’t too popular in a Hash were short-cutting was consider an art form.

A final check was encountered at Sandray Heights and Glenwood. Trail turned left on Glenwood, then right at the bridge that connects with Siltanen Park and beer check was found in the parking lot next to Siltanen Park. We were greeted with some sort of warm chocolaty drink that was yummy and found our hostest Ho To Housewife serving the drinks. Urban legend says that Scotts Valley has no regulations against open containers, yet Shallow Hole seemingly found one of the few places in Scotts Valley was alcohol is not allowed – because there is sign saying so as you enter the parking lot.

After all arrived, we departed for a location were alcohol was allowed for religion. That would be Siltanen part across the street. There was even an amphitheater. I recall two significant down downs of the night. First was when Princess Diarrhea led a song she couldn’t sing. I got brought forward as well as I couldn’t sing it either. The second was finally to our sausage fest when both our virgins showed their’s! Ladies – you missed it.

It was cold and the attendance was small, so down-downs were short. Afterward, many had to be directed as to where the start was and most walked back.

Hash Trash #891 Happy New Beer!

In their trail announcement for Hash 891, Pussy Wood and Trans-cunt-n-anal promised to set the bar very low for 2017 hashes. As a tribute to their outrageous offering and how low it has set the bar, I will now do the same for hash trashes.
Wankers ready to go

Wankers ready to go

Apparently that isn’t considered sufficient and I have to actually write something that has to do with the last hash.
Hash 891: Wherin our pack took over Eastside Brewing Company(and surely made them rethink their Pro-Canine Position!)
A break in the rain, Happy Hour, and promises of a trail that wouldn’t “be too long” ensured that there would be a large turnout. As usual most hashers only had one thing on their minds, sadly this Thursday that thing was to bring their dogs on trail. The pack very quickly outnumbered the quiet Thursday crowd, and shortly thereafter the number of canines outnumbered the staff and muggles! Both hares got everyone’s attention to talk about trail, then lost it about 15 seconds into their trail talk when they said fishhooks.

LC! Screwdriver that says "Screw 2016!"

LC! Screwdriver that says “Screw 2016!”

After an appropriate amount of time, the pack gave the staff a reprieve by bravely heading outside for a quick circle in the cold. In addition to our normal motley crew we had two visitors from San Diego(Shaka and Tinkerbelch), the return of the backsliding Edgar’s Girlfriend and 6(Farley, Posey, Junk Puncher, Poon Doggy, Roxy, and Short Stack!) canines tackling trail!
Trail started out fairly simply, heading out from the parking lot and turning left onto Portola. The first check on the corner of 17th saw the pack heading North past Shoreline and running through the parking lot towards Schwan Lagoon. As the pack got close to the entrance of the Swim Center, they spotted several Sherrif’s vehicles, one carried what looked to be a vodka bottle to a car. Pieces of broken glass littered an empty parking space and the smell of tequila filled the air. The pack kept their heads down and hoped that wasn’t their liquor check!
Beer Check @ Sunny Cove

Beer Check @ Sunny Cove

Exitting the parking lot the pack took a trail, ran through some shiggy and wound up on railroad tracks to discover their fears were unfounded! The hares had left their thoughts about the previous year in liquid form. Trail continued out from Live Oak onto Brommer, detoured right onto Chanticleer and followed Kinsley to Darlene Drive. The smell of barbecue filled the air and it proved to be too much temptation for some hashers, who stopped to join the festivities!
Poon Doggy was almost stuck to Timmy's car forever

Poon Doggy was almost stuck to Timmy’s car forever

For those who were able to resist the temptation, trail continued East on Brommer until 30th, which was when the group I was with met the FRBs who had found the fishhook. Down at the former Kong’s Market! Continuing up to Portola there were some discussion(more like agreement) about shortcutting trail for Hawaiian food. So again we set off! It was around this time that Short Stack started to get short-tempered, I figured she was tired and so soon found out she was very adept at short-cutting. It definitely isn’t one of her short-comings. I’ll cut these jokes short. She has little legs.

The hares + Angered fish hookers

The hares + angered fish hookers!

Whether by Portola or by 26th, people found their way to East Cliff Drive and then to the edge of the cliffs overlooking Sunny Cove for Beer Check! After (almost)everyone gathered, the pack headed back to the start for a cold and quick Religion. We were finally all back together as dBased and Timmy had ventured out to the barbecue after beer check to pick up Occasional Rapist, Hangs Loose and Poon Doggy! There were visitors, backsliders, private parties, many verses of “Beastiality’s Best”(including Hangs Loose adding 3 verses to his own Down-Down song), and of course, down-downs for the Hare-pair. As an attempt to appease the pack, pizza was supplied inside of Eastside Brewing. Something that proved to be fruitful as the pack was safely indoors when three police cruisers drove past en route to checking out the back parking lot!

By supplying food and ensuring no one got arrested the challenge is set for Twisted Fister and Thmp-Thmp, but with “Strange Trail Techniques” promised I’m sure we’ll all regret it either way.
On-On,
Baker’s Dozen’t

Hash: 892 The Virgin trail of the Beer Wagon

As was promised, our hares Thmp thmp and Twisted Fister brought us some new bullshit. As was expected, half minds made it shittier than it had to be….

Our lazy hares

Our lazy hares

We started at the blue lounge (NOT THE FUCKING BLUE LAGOON…since it seems necessary to point that out every time). The pack basically filled the joint, and it felt like a party in there with the beats the cool ass bartenders were playing. A crazy guy walked in with an open bottle of the oh-so classy Evan Williams, and Rat Pussy almost got in a fight with him asking him to leave (Turns out he was outside and showed Thmp his bottle asking if he could bring it inside and Thmp told him to go right in (he got his down down for that))  Thmp and Twisted explained the rules of the evening which involved a giant off-roading wagon full of beer cans.

Must be early in trail, these guys still look too happy!

Must be early in trail, these guys still look too happy!

They started things out with only a 5 minute head start and we had to go catch them, the first two wankers to catch them then had to be the next set of hares. Once hares were caught we all got to drink beers and the deal was when we ran out of beers the last couple of hares had to run us back to start. Sounds simple right?

Wrong.

Beer check #1 off Point Loma

Beer check #1 off Point Loma

Motherfuckers put down a fuckload of checks, took us in all sorts of circles, and we eventually gave up despite not quite finishing the beer. To detail it all out, Thmp and Twisted took us out to Point Loma first from the Blue Lounge with at least 3 or 4 checks taking us down an alley between 3rd and 4th. We got to pass our crazy friend again and he basically told JFP to fuck off, nice guy! Our next set of hares was Dung-fu and dBased, and quickly Genital Tongs who didn’t give a fuck and didn’t give them the 5 minute head start and caught up to them.

Beer check #2: Note Accuprick

Beer check #2: Note Accuprick

They of course fucked with us hard with an initial YBF down almost over the bridge to the boardwalk and then we walked back up and we passed ocean view park thinking thats where they were taking us, so we were like hmmm wonder where we are going…well we were going to that park just after a gigantic circle jerk with checks! Dicks. The next hare pair (because god dammit there was still beer left) was Rat Pussy and Bakers Dozen’t, who we were sure would be smart and head us slowly back in the direction of the blue lounge, but nah, they also thought they would fuck with us and took us all sorts of directions just to take us back to dung-fu’s.

The final beercheck, thank god!

The final beercheck, thank god!

Finally at dung-fu’s despite not finishing all the beer, Steamy Baaahnorea took us back to the Blue Lounge where we rushed through religion because pizza!

Religion was behind the Blue Lounge with Accu and Dung-fu sort of co-RAing? It was confusing. The following is 100% plagerized from Puff: Backsliders were punished for their e-vile ways: Steamy Baanorrhea, Dung-Fu Grip, Twisted Fister, Just Foot Pussy, Bacon Queef and The Human Pube.

Stay classy Santa Cruz!

Stay classy Santa Cruz!

Steamy Baanorrhea was mocked for falling on a trail that almost no one ran any part of and barely ever left a paved surface. Steamy still managed to find a way to make a fool of himself. Pink Cherry Licker, Transcunt-n-anal, Just Foot Pussy, Bacon Queef, Jizziki, The Human Pube and Cum You Will Not were punished for having neither whistle nor bottle opener on their person. Fap Jack was convicted of not doing even a block of trail (Puff also accused PCL of such a crime but in fact she did trail!).

This photo says "Get the fuck outta my face I'm eating!"

This photo says “Get the fuck outta my face I’m eating!”

Our multitude of hares: Rat Pussy, Dung-Fu Grip, dBASED, Twisted Fister, Thmp-Thmp and Steamy Baanorrhea were then punished (rightfully so!). And we finally got to eat at Engfer’s pizza which graciously stayed open a while longer so we could eat! Next week cum’s to us from Shallow Hole and Cum Pumper, sounds like the racists will be happy about that one!

 

On on,

Pussy Wood

Hash Trash # 890 on 12/29/16: Lost in Translation

This week’s trail hit some pretty sour notes.  The Hare was Symphomaniac ,

A language from another hash country

A language from another hash country

a Harriette who is originally from here but lives in Germany and visits us occasionally.  The pack met in the Kmart parking lot in Scotts Valley.  The Hare gave a chalk talk to explain her unfamiliar trail markings before she left (that was a mess).   Pink Cherry Licker did a second chalk talk before the pack left and proved that teaching a bunch of half minds is worse than teaching elementary school children.  Half minds are hopeless.

Dog Check

Dog Check

The trail started out on Mt Hermon Road.  The Turkey-Eagle split was only a block down on Kings Village Road.  The Eagles continued down Mt Hermon Road and came upon a song check at the Christmas tree.  We solved a check on the corner of Mt Hermon and headed up Scotts Valley Drive.  Everything went to shit at the next check on the corner of Bean Creek Road.  Hashers scattered in all directions.

Liquor stop in the playground

Liquor stop in the playground

Some crossed the street and found 3 marks (2 arrows and 1 flour) with an arrow pointing into the woods.   We’ve hashed through this trail several times in the past.   We thought we were on.  A bunch of hashers scoured the woods, but couldn’t find any more marks, so we turned back and searched in all other directions.  No one could find anything, so we actually went around to where the trail came out on Glen Canyon Road, thinking that we could pick up trail again.  That didn’t work either.  The consensus was to say “fuck it” and go back to the Turkey-Eagle split and follow the Turkey trail.  We found the rest of the pack at a liquor check in Sky Park where booze bottles were hidden in the playground.

The general consensus on how people felt about this trail

The general consensus on how people felt about this trail

Turkeys arrived long before eagles to this liquor check and were lucky enough to have “The Arranged Marriage Chronicles” read out loud by the author himself, Paki Sak (if you don’t follow him on fb, do it, season 2 is hopefully coming soon). Trail continued on the linear path around Skypark.  Another turkey eagle split from hell. Eagles came to a funky mark that was supposed to be a YBF.  Since flour was visible a few feet ahead, we all blew past it and continued down the path.

These two go together like crabs and pussy!! Congrats to deadliest snatch and rat pussy for getting one step closer to tying the knot!

These two go together like crabs and pussy!! Congrats to deadliest snatch and rat pussy for getting one step closer to tying the knot!

There was a check further down the path.  Hashers went left onto Navigator Drive and called on on.  Then we came to a YBF.  Since the check was back on the linear path, I figured we could dBASED it and go to the end of the path instead of turning around.  But before we got there, we found “on Home” marks going back into the Kmart parking lot.  Turkeys basically went backwards on the original trail eagles missed I think? It was all a cluster fuck. No one was there at the Kmart lot, so we went out searching for trail again.  Since no one could find trail, Pinky used technology to find out where beer check was and told the Hare to just meet us at Kmart.

Since the trail was in my hood on my usual running route, I ran the trail a second time in the daylight and saw what we did wrong.  Sorry Symphomaniac, no redemption for you.  Trail was fucked.

Our trail fucking hare

Our trail fucking hare

At the check on the corner of Scotts Valley Drive and Bean Creek Road, trail didn’t go into the woods.  Hashers didn’t check far enough down Bean Creek Road.  There were marks past the Middle School.  Then we were supposed to go left down Bluebonnet to Skypark.   At the YBF on Navigator Drive, we were actually supposed to turn around and go the opposite way on Navigator Drive.  This would not be the logical choice considering that was the same direction we came from.  Skypark is a pretty small development that consists of 2 through streets and a few cull de sacs.  Beer near was next to the park.

Religion was in back of Kmart next to a stinky dumpster.  Pink Cherry Licker was RA.  It was pretty short since a cop drove by and saw us.  To our amazement, he did not come back.  Pussy Wood and Cunt Jungle got a down down for finding the mini bottles of fireball at liquor check, Paki Sak got his down down for his reading of the arranged marriage chronicles, there were a bunch of visitors from over the hill and 2 Analversaries.  Cum Pumper for 25th and dBASED for 725th hash.

On on,

Shallow Hole (Notes from Turkey Trail by Pussy Wood)

Hash 888- Krampus Run

31669000346_f8e6769256_zEvery hasher in Surf City
Likes hashing a lot…
But on nights when it rains, it seems they do not.

It was trail 888, and it promised some fun,
As the 4th anul Anti-Yuel, All Krampus Run!
Though many gathered , some naughty, some nice,
At Saturn Cafe, where the drinks were half priced.
To see off our hair pair of Dung Fu and Baker’s,
When it came to run trail, there weren’t many takers.

You see as we arrived it was pouring down rain,
And most of the pack asked, “Are you insane?”
“Last week we went out in our gowns and tuxedos,
This week let’s skip trail and eat some burritos!”
And thats what they did, and I hope they’re all sorry,
Because this rhyming trash will not be their story.

This story will tell of the six that ran trail,
Puff, Timmy, dBased and some girls as well.
Because somehow the flour was not washed away,
And somehow the chalk marks managed to stay.
So they ran, and they ran, and they
Ran
Ran
Ran
Ran
And here’s how the tale of this trail began:

We ran down Pacific, and through Depot Park,
Where we discovered that there in the dark,
A river had sprung up blocking our path.
So we stopped for a second to weigh out the math
Should we just ford the river and run on with wet shoes?
Or veer off the trail and risk missing some booze?

Buyt we found a way, me, Bareback, and Tongs.
And we sang and skipped as we followed along.
Knowing that somewhere ahead was a stop,
Where we would be treated to peppermint schnapps.
It would taste just like Christmas, it’s sweet, and mint-laced,
And it’s one hundred proof so it gets you shit-faced.

And we found the LC, those promising letters,
And we looked among bushes and leaves and duck feathers.
“Those fuckers!” We cried, “They’ve taken the bottle!”
And left all us ladies behind them with fuck-all.
It seems that they waited , but not long enough,
And figured we’d given up, just had enough.

Trail floated on decks that went ‘cross the lagoon,
And through tunnels of trees that blocked out the moon.
It wound onto Laurel, then on Chestnut we searched,
Upwards to Mission St, and to Holy Cross Church.
Then down a waterfall that hid steep, tiny stairs,
We just went around, no thank you cruel hares.

Then we found the hares, and the pack, and a few,
Who didn’t run trail, but still wanted some brew.
They had mulled wine, which was supposed to be hot
It tasted delicious, but warm it was not.
And we drank and we bitched.
And we bitched
bitched
bitched
bitched
About missing the schnapps and those that had ditched.

We went to religion at a different lot.
Where we had a drink that was gross, but at least it was hot.
I didn’t take notes, I don’t remember too much.
Analversaries? Tales? Downdowns and Such?
I do know that Nips is moving away.
To go live with Riff Raff, out near LA.
We’ll miss her a lot, but she’s doing fine.
She ditched us for love and for sex all the time.