Monthly Archives: October 2017

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Hash 936: High hills, creepy creeks

Salutations,

Gather round, young pups. It’s time for a throwback Trash. That’s one where hares are harried for hideous happenings on trail and hounds are taken to task for their abundant incompetence.

I will not complicate this Trash with facts thereby allowing me to extract almost any end I desire. It is with this motive in mind that I will now recount the events that comprise Trail 936. What follows is a true accounting even if it is not the events that actually occurred.

Teste Coil was being shepherded by Princess Di(arrhea) and Thmp-Thmp on his Virgin Haring. This is a real world example that supports the old adage, ‘The blind leading the blind’.  Admittedly, it would have been worse had dBASED been Teste Coil’s teacher as then not only would trail have been of poor quality but it would also have been too damn long as well. Thank the gods of the Hash for THAT small favor at least.

The start was pleasant enough. A beginning at Beer Thirty is always a wise choice though I have now been forced to the unpleasant conclusion that a good START does not necessarily guarantee a good TRAIL.  Allow me to expand upon that premise.

After being assaulted by another slow-acting poison concoction from the half-mind of Cum You Will Not, the merry members of madness circled-up for introductions and we heard from: Accuprick, Rat Pussy, Deadliest Snatch, Baker’s Dozen’t, Wicked Retahted, Pink Cherry Licker, Stub rub, Summer’s Yeast, Twisted Fister, TIMMY!!!, dBASED, Occasional Rapist, Cuntjungle, Shallow Hole, Twat Did You Say?, Little Anal Annie, Butt Balls, Jizziki, Cum You Will Not, Urine Cider, Dog Breath, Real boring Bitch, Virgin Jesse, Virgin Susanne and Puff the Magic Drag Queen. None of the aforementioned would be happy hounds upon conclusion of the trail of terror.

There was initial confusion at the check just outside Beer Thirty. Not only was this a less-than-auspicious start, but it set the tone for the entirety of trail to follow as well. After feeling our way though this one, the gang galloped up Main Street and discovered a check at the very next intersection, that being the one with East Walnut. The clan coagulated around the check at Lions Park and spread out sniffing for trail. After a false start across Soquel Creek and onto the playground at Soquel Elementary School,(who started us on THAT false trail?), true trail was located on-right and on-up East Walnut Street. (Wasn’t that previously scouted?) Mark turned the troops on-right onto Soquel Drive but a back check mark was discovered 2 blocks later at Capitola Avenue. The gang turned back, well, except for Urine Cider and Virgin Susanne who staggered along a little further before deciding to rejoin us. There was a lot of sniffing that transpired here until some flour was stumbled across blocks back on Center Street. Back checks of this distance are considered rude or, to utilize some rather coarse vernacular, they are known as Prick’s Tricks.

After this conundrum was dispensed with, the pack plodded across busy Soquel Drive continuing on Center Street(which, incidentally, is NOT the center of town) and past the Congregational Church. Hashers move very quickly past a church I’ve noticed and do not look at it either. A block later, the geography of the road dictates a ninety degree on-left onto Bridge Street. The clan crossed Main Street and traipsed onto the bridge over Soquel Creek leading to Paper Mill Road. The BN mark was observed but no one could find it. As it turns out, only ONE hound was to find the goody left for us and that would be dBASED. A bag containing the liquid gold had been suspended over the side of the bridge. However, dBASED slung the bag back over the side of the bridge with such force that the carabiner holding the bag broke and sent the precious liquid plummeting into Soquel Creek. A newspaper article the next morning detailed the California Department of Fish and Wildlife’s discovery of hundreds of intoxicated fish in Soquel, California; cause under investigation. Rumor Central contends dBASED was seen slithering back to the scene of the crime after the hash in hopes of retrieving the bag and it’s contents.

An on-right onto Paper Mill Road yielded an on-left onto Oneil Lane one block later which brought the bevy to Soquel-San Jose Road which all we locals call Old San Jose Road. The gang headed on-right and soon on-left into Anna Jean Cummings Park which is locally called Blue Balls Park due to the huge blue balls that adorn it. (what were they thinkin’?!) It was through here local law enforcement was encountered. Here’s the difference between the County Sheriff’s Department and Capitola cops. It’s after sundown so the park is officially closed. What did the deputy say to us? ‘Ah, there’s run tonight, huh? Have a nice night.’ Off he went. Capitola cop would have at the LEAST run us out if not issued us citations for trespassing.

After struggling with the copious collection of stairs leading on-up to the soccer field, we were greeted by a Liquor Check that has not been destroyed by dBASED and the promised Turkey/Eagle split. We’ll squander some of our evening on the Eagle trail. It went, and I’m certain you can see this one coming, clambering the huge hills behind Soquel High School. After cresting the largest(but of course) of them, we simply fell down the other side and through a small patch of woods, across Soquel Drive, onto Robertson Road, transitioned onto Wharf Road and under Highway 1.

Not far past the Highway 1 undercrossing, the back check mark sent us reeling. After minimal sniffing, flour was discovered along a narrow path beside a private residence and a fence designed to keep people away from Soquel Creek. That fence would probably work for mortals but not hashers. Worse than trespassing, it was now drizzling. The rocks along Soquel Creek were now extremely slick. Almost no one got through here and across the creek without taking on some water. After completing the creek crossing, we invaded a small homeless encampment and emerged into a parking lot a block from the start.

Most of us began to smell an imminent end to this disaster once an on-left was made onto Porter Street. A brief, uncalled for circle jerk onto West Walnut, then Daubenbiss and back onto Porter Street was a fitting culmination to an already pointless outing. Directly across Porter the flock found Beer Check. This was rapidly dispensed with as the area is frequented by local law enforcement.

A short jaunt away is the Heart of Soquel Park and at the very back is a small cul-de-sac walkway perfect for hiding and conducting Religion. Accuprick seized the reins of control as Religious Adviser. Let’s see now. Little Anal Annie was awarded a down-down for yelling at a driver who almost ran her over as she illegally crossed busy Soquel Drive…in the dark. Puff was busted for trying to bribe the Sheriff’s Deputy to give him a lift to the top of the hill in Blue Balls Park. The two Virgins were terrified with Joke, Song or Body Part. dBASED was awarded a punitive down-down for destroying first Liquor Check after he had his fill. Other people were punished too but they did not contribute anything to the overall success of Religion so I’ve forgotten them. The hares were skewered over their trail. I truly believe Trail 936 may garner a nomination as Worst Trail of the Year for AGM next month. It’s a good thing Princess Di(arrhea) is non-compos-mentis because being sane would remove any desire she may harbor to ever hare for Surf City again. As for Thmp-Thmp, I bear him no ill will for his criminal past. I am, however, very concerned with his criminal FUTURE. And as for Teste Coil, I now fear this man may be the missing link between the pirate and the pig. That pretty much does it for Trail 936 and put it exactly where I want it to be: In my rear view mirror.

On-on-on was successfully staged at nearby Village Host Pizza. The crew appreciated the tips but probably did not enjoy cleaning up after we pigs vacated the premises. They were neutral on being serenaded with a hash song.

By Special Appointment of His Royal Majesty “G”, this  Hash Trash has been compiled and printed by permission of no one other than the author at Santa Cruz, Ca., or elsewhere if need be, on this, the twenty-second day of October in the year of our Hash two-thousand seventeen.

Submitted with all respect due,

Puff the Magic Drag Queen

Surf City H3 Scribe

(briefly out of retirement)

 

 

 

Hash 935: The adventures of Burrito Boy

OK people…you read the invite to the hash….the cum on lines and the illusion that it will be a cake walk trail. After all, Burrito Boy aka Courtesy Flush is telling you he blew out his ankle running after a roach coach taco truck. He is daring you to catch him as he hobbles around downtown Santa Cruz trying to avoid Hepatitis A infected sidewalks. He baits us with this… “Maybe it’ll be some super secret abandoned industrial site or some magical offshore islands where it rains beer and the free-range unicorns fart lavender and poop cheesecake. ” 
Put a burrito in that boys mouth

Put a burrito in that boys mouth


Let me set the record straight……….we ran about 3 miles…..not really straight as this is a progressive town and there were unicorns as predicted.  I kid you not. 3 magical unicorns….well 2 really special magical unicorns with nice boobs and 1 lame unicorn with a semi. You just had to be there.
 
In addition to the festive costumes, we were treated to Unicracks Picasso inspired street drawings. Lots of circle jerks, a bazillion true trail arrows, T/E splits, and then the dreaded DETOUR signs. WTF??
 
The hares really had a hell of a night trying to keep their plan. We were SUPPOSED to start at the Saturn Cafe but some asshate employee and his inept manager decided that we couldn’t order JUST BEER….God forgive…..We had to order BEER and FOOD. Well you can see where this is going. So new plan….go across the street to the Nasti Asti…for BEER and cigs. Mo Better.
 
Beer Check and Religion were SUPPOSED to be at the Oswald garage….but yet again the hares were thwarted by some thugs in uniform who correctly guessed that the white rectangular box might be a cooler filled with BEER. 
BRRRRILLIANT observation Dr Watson/Mr Park Ranger Person. 
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So hence the “DETOUR” signs and the “ALMOST THERE” signs………..my thighs are burning and my throat is parched after our gruesome trek around the city. To make matters worse there are weird smiley faces grinning back at me as I ascend yet another set of garage stairs.
 
Finally………we find the mother lode of beers….and those laughable hares. It’s hard to stay mad at them when they are so adorable.
 
At Religion it was nice to see the InterAm folks back safe and sound even if they all still looked a little greenish.
 
Cums out my nose demonstrated a proper Down Down.  She was guilty of being on her cell phone…what else is new? And not listening, hmmm…..and there was no drink in her hand. Horrors and it isn’t even Halloween.
Speaking of horrors the non runners were represented by Broke Bench, Cums out my nose and Wicked. Too bad cause they missed a great LC. The mysterious grey bong water in the old plastic water bottles was a gruesome mixture of either cider and tequila or cider and whiskey. Seems most of it made its way back to Religion…not too many takers for that swill.
 
Our backslider, Sharticle Physics, has been MIA for at least a year and blames it on “travel”. Must be nice. In reality he has been chasing unicorns and he brought a few to the hash as proof. Just April made her second appearance and Virgin Jennifer did not disappoint when she unzipped her costume.
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We also celebrated Wicked’s 169th hash, along with 300 impressive hashes for Broke Bench and a whopping 769 hashes for DBased. Get a Life!
 
Wicked got another DD for singing out of turn, CumFartZone got a DD for hell if I know but there was some crazy nipple pinching story.
 
Virgin Jennifer did some lame striptease trying to get out of the Unicorn pajama disguise and in her zeal to show off her hot pink panties she almost got the prize for creative self bondage. 
 
 The hares had to move it along so they could make the Dick Dale show so we hastily sang them their song and sent them packing.
 
All in all it was a lovely fall evening in santa cruz with my favorite peeps. And I got some nice swag…thank you Occasional and Shallow!
 
On On On,
CumFartZone
 
 
 

Hash 934: Last Minute Lazy hash

Since most of the pack is away…..the mice will play! Come to Capitola to see the full moon rise….and I don’t mean we will be dropping trou…..well maybe we will….cause you never know around here. We will scamper around this quaint and colorful village by the sea, leave our droppings and annoy my neighbors! I might even have some tasty snacks to entice you to cum out and play.
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That was the hash invite. I guess all that electrical stim did something to my naughty bits and made me sign up to be a last minute co-hare with Pinky.  Why do I get myself in these predicaments? I just can’t say no…especially if they beg!
So a few of us outcasts showed up at the Brit. Wicked rode his bike over from the Point but forgot his bike lock….so I climbed the dreaded Capitola stairs yet again to bring him a bike lock. He is forever indebted to me. My thighs were throbbing from those stairs. Maybe a massage is in order rather than a lame thank you note.
Two lonely FACU members showed up as their pack also abandoned them for some stupid event called InterAm in Phoenix. Dual Tools and Shanhainey quickly bonded with their orphaned Surf City brothers and sisters. Somehow we managed to assemble a small pack for the evenings festivities.  Cum You Will Not and Jizz were also happy for the company from over the hill.
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Steamy Baanorrhea rose to the occasion and offered to hare the Eagle trail. He even had his emergency kit of flour in the car which made him the official 3rd co-hare.
For a last minute hash we assembled about 18 half minds to play hide and seek.
 
Pink and CumFartZone quickly mapped out a route….and Steamy ran off on his own and almost got arrested at the Capitola Police Station with his 2 overflowing water bottles filled with a mysterious white powder. He also just escaped a hare snare as well at that location. He diverted his path and went on his merry way. Lucky guy.
 
Meanwhile Pinky did some sort of a loop around the village hoping to reconnect the second part of the trail with CumFartZone’s trail. She got a little sideways but reconnected at the entrance to Depot Hill where all three trails finally converged. Talk about a cluster fuck!  CFZ got hopelessly lost in her own hood as she attempted to point out all the charming features such as the rising moon and the large bird sculptures made out of shells. While she was flailing around several hashers snared her but she went giggling off into the darkness once again.
 
At beer check we were joined by three foreigners who quickly discovered that they could score free beer by just merely practicing their strange accents. I think Real Boring Bitch had something to do with their appearance. If nothing else they provided us some great entertainment at Religion.
 
Poolside religion is always interesting and Dog Breath always manages to get wet. Thankfully he left his undies on as to keep my neighbors from calling the cops….again!!
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The virgins were visiting from Sweden. One told a terrible joke about ribbon benches ( I think he meant benches with wooden slates) in which a naked guys penis and balls are pulled through the ribbons/slates. I can say no more, as the joke was really gross.
The second bloke sang The Saints Come Marching In in Swedish, and the third dude sang a Swedish military song about keeping Sweden white. Hmmm how timely and racist! Perfect for Santa Cruz. We just laughed and smiled politely as they swigged more of our beer.
 
On to our official business….Bakers Dozen’t had 25 CONSECUTIVE hashes and he got Pinky’s “Toser” necklace. That’s another story for another day. I am not really sure what that necklace is all about. Maybe she will tell you next time.
 
Real Boring Bitch was on his phone trying to show the Swedish guys a picture of IHOP – the visiting hasher with the artificial leg.
 
There was talk about nominating some new folks for some old jobs….we need a Beer Meister or two. 
 
Step up to the plate and volunteer for a good cause.
Elections aka erections will be NOV 9 at El Palomar.
 
The party continued at the Brit for more food and more beer and laughs.
 
All in all a good shitty last minute lost in Capitola Hash.
 
On On On,
CumFartZone

Hash 933: Short and Shitty (whats new?)

Another short shitty last minute trail by Pink Cherry Licker.
We started at Takara Sushi, near the mall.
Everyone without dogs ended up inside of target, where yellow sticky notes were used instead of chalk or flour.
Very clever except that once we got into the mall the little yellow sticky notes disappeared. Not sure if the janitor swept them up or some snot nosed kid grabbed them.
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But some of us….Occasional, Jizz and CumFartZone were left to our own devices and a bad sense of direction.
Nevertheless Occasional was adamant that she heard from Wicked that there was flour outside the mall, perhaps on 38th so off we went. CFZ put out a distress call to UrineCider and he responded that the pack was nearby. Thankfully we all reunited like a bad 80’s song.
It seemed that it got rather dark quickly and the sea of flashlights finally led us up to Brommer park for Beer Check and Religion. It’s like a BOGO…..buy one, get one.
Lately we have been choosing that option…the combo plan. This was perhaps the shortest distance so far between stops.
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We chastised the backsliders…..like SixONine who broke some ribs and was down and out for a bit…so what else is new? CourtesyFlush, Cunt Jungle also have been remiss in their attendance. Lame excuses about snuggling with pussy….but who can blame them.
We had a visitor from down south….Gorilla Whorefair. We had folks running from warrants and towards some Red Trolley beer. I think he is planning on relocating to our neck of the woods with his lovely spouse.
Wicked remembered his friend and surf icon, Lars, who recently departed this earthly plane.
Cum You Will Not was a very good girl and got an A for boob check. Accuprick noted that she hides her famous red lipstick between those beautiful mounds of rounds. That’s his words not mine. I think Jizz was also in on this action. There was some confusion about birdshit on the RR tracks being mistaken for hash marks.23561568288_128e22fef9_o
 Accu needs to back of the green stuff.
Cheek and Dong created some gorilla tit checks. There is always one in every crowd.
All in all….a dark shitty trail and a burrito to boot!
On On On,
CumFartZone

Hash 932: Mawwiage

 

Holy Sweet Matrimony, Wedded Bliss and all that Crap.
So DBased and Occasional tied the knot four years ago in some secret ceremony.Since none of us were invited to the actual wedding they decided to let us all in on their extreme love drunk escapades by re-enacting their honeymoon by inviting all of us to trudge around in the darkness searching for some cheap champagne and a confetti condom. We all wore headlamps as a show of solidarity to DB for his valiant effort to find the hole. I am sure that there was some sort of Geocache type prize in there. You know he likes to go on wild goose chases and sign his name on a tiny scraps of paper as proof of his finds. Most likely he tattooed his name down there so he can gaze upon his precious treasure every day!! I think he may be a bit obsessed with that game. Then again he is also obsessed with Hashing too. I think there is a pattern here.
Anywho……..We all gathered in force to celebrate the momentous anniversary but first had to decipher some navigational way points in order to find the start.
Gosh darn this game thing can be a bit annoying. My Uber driver was less than thrilled.
Can’t just give us an address…….NO Sir…that would be too easy for us half-minds. Gotta make us work for our beer. Speaking of beer…..it was stuck in traffic………along with most of us. So much for living in a sleepy little beach town.
Once we all managed to find the start off we went…..through the woods and over sandy hills. We were treated to a most spectacular sunset and a few stopped for photo ops.
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Back on trail we found the dreaded railroad tracks again….however we were pleasantly surprised to find them needle and litter free. Capitola sure does know how to discourage the riff raff.
Beer check was staged at a lovely little overlook and the champagne was flowing, along with Dbased’s little sweet nothings which he kept whispering to his glowing bride.
I just envy them….such a perfect couple!! And he is so so affectionate. Too much PDA is never a bad thing with them.
Back at religion we officially celebrated their anniversary to the tune of El Camino….which seemed appropriate at the time.
We also celebrated the year’s Beer Meisters: Thump Thump, Princess, Just Foot Pussy and Bacon Q and I think Broke Back and Cums was mentioned as well. Sorry but I was a bit too looped from all the bubbly to take accurate notes.
Then they called me up there for something….I have no clue why but I gladly drank some of the shitty beer just to be a good sport.
Pinky screamed on trail – actually it was on the RR tracks just after we left Beer Check. We thought it may have been Occasional getting some in the bushes but sadly it was just a huge rat running for his life, away from the Hashers.
So Rat Pussy and Pinky got a down down.
Shallow Hole celebrated a mere 269 hashes…Get a Life.
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A few folks thought it would fun to shortcut, not once…but twice. That would most likely be Thump Thump and Princess – those clever and sometimes clueless ex GM’s. Somehow they also managed to be FRB’s and then DFL’s.  Perhaps all the love in the air also drove them to get a piece on trail.
In addition to a piece or two on trail there was also PEE on trail…MR JFP! SoPizzOnYa and ShitOnYa….In Russian that means I love you….again in keeping with the theme of the evening. I just love romance.
Virgin Carla wowed us with a a joke so memorable that I actually remembered it.
What is the difference between a G-Spot and a Golf Ball?
A man will actually look for a golf ball!!!!!
Oh yeah…go ahead and laugh.
And so here is to that elusive G-Spot…..Make sure the batteries in your headlamps are fresh and toast one or twelve to the happy couple and hapless hares….DBased and Occasional Rapist.
Thanks for the mammories you crazy couple.
Sweet ON ON ON’s…..
CumFartZone.

Hash 931: Nautical Nonsense

A perfect day for sailing into the end of summer with a nautical themed hash. Sadly, only one person got the memo…..that would be36471883563_08a884d5ec_o the Princess.  She was resplendent in her blue and white striped yachting attire with matching captains hat. The rest of the ruffians were in their usual tired, tattered and smelly running rags. Princess and Cum You Will Not are in a race for the years best dressed hasher.
 
As folks milled about the Blue Lagoon, the hares made a beeline for the front door to check on their pre-laid trail.
 
At the appointed time the pack took off….Luckily Vag spotted them earlier trying to lay a false….so he knew which direction we should head. Vag saved the day and hours of wandering aimlessly.
Thankfully it was an easy trail. I missed last week but I heard it was brutal. So the pack was in a good mood as we meandered through lovely neighborhoods, chatting among ourselves. 
After about 2 easy miles, we did cum upon a rather large 69 strategically placed at the home of Bacon Queef and Just Foot Pussy. We also combined our creative juices to draw encouraging and racy messages to JFP & his sexy wifey. He later made us a thank you video.36888844040_349cd765d1_o
 
Most of the pack backtracked to the start….and then onto the beer check location.
 
Turns out that Jizz had no idea what the “69” meant….Imagine that! He still is pretty virginal.
So he follows blindly follows Princess hoping to be clued in on the magical meaning of “69”. And then magically Puff shows up out of nowhere and joins this merry band. They all manage to show up at Beer Check DFL.
 
We were told that Religion would be at Seabright Beach….but technically we never made it onto the beach. Instead we walked a mere 20 steps to the end of the overlook parking lot to engage in Religion.
 
Bakers and DBased led the evenings proceedings.
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A few folks missed the LC….like Wicked and Flip Flop. But most did not –  including TestaCoil and Real Boring Bitch cause they won’t pass up free booze no matter how horrid it tastes.
 
We recognized people who can’t count to 69. There was mention of Timmy and his special needs.
And Project Cumway was called out for something…..maybe it was also 69 related.
Snake Me Anywhere had to be different and drink wine instead of beer because her standards are low.
Seems she fits right in with this crowd.
 
Princess, Jizz and Puff got a down down for holding hands, skipping into beer check and for chivalry on trail.
How sweet.
 
Backsliders were Ska Skank, Wicked, Project Cumway…but there was a lot of complaining about too much head on the beer. It is always something with this crowd. Can’t please everyone.
 
Dbased lost his precious headlamp but CumFart found it and thus we sang him the Vagina song.
 
We had an auspicious analversary….Princess logged in at a whooping 269 hashes. AMAZING.
Maybe now she will share the secret of “69” with Mr Jizz.
 
We cheered our Hares, Pink Cherry Licker and Thump Thump and then we went off in search of more beer and pizza.
 
On On On
CumFartZone