Monthly Archives: November 2017

Hash Trash # 939 AGM on 11/9/17

In with the old, out with new….and so it goes for the  “AGM”. I am assuming this stands for Annual General Mismanagement….or Another Gross Mishap. It’s like an early New Year’s, or a late fiscal year wrap up. What do I know….I only take some lousy notes every now and again.

At this annual fiasco we mingle a bit at El Palomar, in a private room in order to keep us away from the normal patrons. We are swigging beer and slurping margaritas while desperately trying to remember all the antics we participated in over the past 12 months. We huddle together to fill out the ballots, nominating the fools who will lead us into another 12 months of purgatory, into another year of shitty trails and warm beer. Then we do a short crappy obligatory farewell 1.18 mile trail laid by the outgoing GM’s…the General MisManagers, the head honchos, those worthless bums….Pinky and FapJack.

The hares took us a few blocks around downtown Santa Cruz and in and out of a few establishments. Perhaps they thought we could do some light reading and sip a latte. But no time to dilly dally…… as we just had to go down by the levee for one last look at the druggies and the homeless. Hope everyone is up to date on their shots and vaccines! And watch out for the dreaded Hep A hanging out on the public sidewalks.

As a friendly shout out to CumFartZone…the Queen of the endless BN (Beer Near) markings…..Pinky and Fap lovingly placed BN marks on the stairs heading up to the top of the parking garage. I think I stopped counting after 144!!

While we were enjoying beer check at the top of the garage….our lookout spied the dreaded and now ever present park rangers. We quickly scattered like gazelles being pursued by the lions. Well everyone except for Puff, who was too busy taking photos that he didn’t realize he was the only hasher left to deal with the Feds. Since they are now on to us….he got the lecture about public drinking and questioned why we simply weren’t smart enough to put our beer into a red solo cup. DUH???

Yep, most hashers simply aren’t that brilliant…except for our resident PhD and our burrito esquire.

So after posting a hefty bail, Puff joined us back at El Palomar just as the slide show of shame was flashing across the screen. Lots of laughs and so much fun looking back at our crazy adventures and some epic moments of bonding over beer.

After the slide show we launched right into religion and the dreaded Down Downs.

Puff was the first recipient for the Ranger Danger award.

Analversaries went to Princess Di and Shallow Hole for a whopping 275 hashes.

Taco Tramp finally made it to her 25th hash in 2 years.

Our visitors were Dual Tools, Today is Monday and Drink and Squirt….the new GM of Silicon Valley.

We had a bunch of backsliders….including Vaginal Repair kit who is having back surgery on Dec 5th…I guess that is a valid excuse for missing most of the hashes these past 2 months.

He was joined by those missing in action world travelers, PussyWood and TranCuntnanal, and Cold Smegma who has had some foot issues, along with all his other issues.

Despite our fervent warning not to bring virgins to the AGM, one of our newbies, who can’t read, brings Virgin Andrea, who manages to belt out another lame ass joke.

“How does Lady Gaga like her steak”?  Answer…..RA RA RA, blah blah blah. Whatever! When are we going to find someone who can get with the program and show some naughty bits??!!

Onto the newlyweds, the Murphy’s. Their wedded nuptials were celebrated with a hefty down down and boisterous cheering.

We had a Beerthday song for Bakers…who was definitely whooping it up.

And Bareback Unicrack has a beerthday coming up on Nov 26th…..I’m sure it will be a festive occasion.

And then we moved on to the Academy Awards for the evening. Banana Basher performed the official counting of the ballots with his helpers, Vag, Cumz out my Nose, and Twisted….who did not want to have any dangling chads to mar the votes.

And the results of the voting are as follows:   Read em and weep.

GM- Shallow Hole

Hash Cash/Flash- Puff

Hare Raiser- Fap Jack

RA’s- Accuprick, Pink Cherry Licker and Bakers Dozen’t

Haberdasher- Occasional Rapist

On Sec- dBASED

Beermeister-rotating schedule with 4 open months

Scribe- CumfartZone

Stupidest act on trail goes to Bakers Dozen’t for dragging home a little red wagon. He garnered a whooping 35 votes for this nonsense.

Biggest wanker goes to DBased – I can’t imagine why.

Best themed hash went to “Make America Drunk Again”.

Best trail was #920…thanks to Shallow Hole, Cock Throbbin,Ho 2 Housewife & Princess Di. This was the W2B prelube hash which included the boat ride to the Crows Nest beach Party and a festive bonfire.

Worst trail was a tie: #919 Puff Puff and Timmy!!! at the Oakwood cemetery trying to replicate DungFu’s haphazard trail. We all ended up covered in Poison Oak. Note to self….buy a case or two of Technu – it makes a great holiday gift.

And the other winner was CumFartZone for trail #924 co-hared with Symphomaniac, that maniac from Germany. Lots of confusing marks….what else is new, crossing their own hare marks, and crappy warm beer for beer check. On another recent trail CumFart also gets lost in her own hood while the rest of the pack is in Phoenix. Get a life and a compass.

Last years board members were honored….and thrilled to be turning over the reigns to the new folks…except a few folks were holding on to their jobs for dear life and simply would not relinquish their positions.

Beer meister is continuing to be a shared position and will rotate monthly. You can still sign up for a slot.

All in all it was a wonderful evening.

Thank you to everyone for attending and supporting our hash.

On On On




938: Why are we so stupid?

Why are we so stupid?
Why do we believe the crap that Twisted Fister spews?
Why were we lulled into a false sense of security with his promise of NO WATER CROSSING for his annual Beerthday hash.
Why are my $200 barely used, almost new trail shoes soaking wet and stinking up my car?
Good question.
We were all taken for a ride yet once again by this scoundrel.
He marched us along a dangerously dark and winding road only to find a huge FALSE. A big FU.  A bold face LIE. He is one devious MoFo.
And to make matters worse….he laid the same trail last year and had us fall for it again. Well, let me back up…..we actually had 2 brilliant hashers who deviated from the pack and ended up at Burger!! A place known for a plethora of beers on tap. Banana Basher and Princess Di made a hasty retreat away from the trail and right into a warm and toasty pub. As they were slinking away we were trying not to get run over by cars whizzing by as if they were at Laguna Seca. Thanks for looking out for our safety.
The mangled pack soldiered on and descended into the depths of the dark forest.
Yet once again we lost 2 hashers who are afraid of the dark. Waxi Pad and Occasional Rapist bailed at the entrance of Nisene Marks. They said a prayer for our safety, burned some sage and hoped that the mountain lions already had an early dinner. Not wanting to show any fear, we marched on with our trusty flashlights and headlamps ablaze. Remarkably it was a rather pleasant evening, with the cotton balls clouds playing hide and seek with the almost full moon. The trail was very straightforward….meaning we went directly into the stream, no get out of jail free card. No way out except to get WET. 
A few souls miscalculated the route and ended up rather moist….CumYouWillNot fessed up to being slightly impaired and thus took her water route on the cuff.  Which means she got completely soaked. Others slithered along a log in order to avoid damp tootsies. And the rest bravely walked right into the cold stream and crossed without incident. There was a good deal of chivalry on trail as the ever helpful Just Foot Pussy took his post as a crossing guard very seriously. TestaCoil was also the perfect gentleman in guiding CumFartZone over the slippery bits and offering to hold her backpack. Bakers also offered his chivalry to Jizziki, who simply can’t see shit anymore due to an eye condition and to the blazing fast Virgin Sean who initially was a FRB at the YBF but got knocked off his butt on Knob Creek.
And since we are talking about shit, we had to endure hearing about Waxi Pad’s sudden and urgent need to defecate on trail. WTF, is nothing sacred in this group? Folks here continue to wax poetic about menstrual cycles, semen, piss, sex toys, infectious hashing crud and now the dreaded #2. Well poo poo to you all. Carry some TP with ya on trail and zip it.
Moving on we also admonished Jizz for losing his light saber with all it’s fancy features. It telescopes in and out…a shower not a grower. It has many setting including a hallucinogenic strobe light that will make you throw up.  Thankfully CuntJungle found it and returned it to its rightful owner.  
Pinky had blood on trail after a run in with a mailbox. Next time she should try UPS….they are kinder and gentler.
There was talk of the old man log and thus Timmy!!! and Banana had to do a down down. I think it is an inside joke.
Puff got a down down for being the Dog Whisperer and always having enough “Pupperoni/Pufferoni” to go around.
Cheek and Dong was our lone visitor from the frigid north land of CA and pitched an upcoming Spring 2018 snowshoe event. Sounds like fun….especially the naked hot tub apple bobbing contest.
More down downs for the guys who missed the package checks. TestaCoil and Jizziki complained that is was too cold to bare the balls and uncoil the snakes. Thankfully our resident stunt dick, JFP, took one for the team.
Wish our Virgin(Sean) would have taken the hint but he choose to tell us a crappy joke about an 80 yr old pirate. Lame to say the least. But at least he paid attention to chalk talk. 
Our analversares go to JFP/JustFootPussy and Bacon Queef for 100 hashes each. 
And Thump Thump really needs to get a life after logging in a staggering 300 hashes! Talk about commitment.
Accuprick presided as RA  and we are hoping he will continue providing quips, punishments and terse Boston admonishments for the upcoming new hashing year. 
Next week is AGM. 
Get out and vote.
And step up to the plate and volunteer for a position in this zany club.
It’s been a fun year….well at least I thought it was fun. Perhaps I already have early Alzheimers and I’m forgetting most of the hashes that included dastardly uphill routes and dangerously steep downhills through poison oak infested woodlands.
So in true Academy Award Style I have to mention a few “thank yous”.
Thank you for allowing me to do some of this past years scribing. 
I really do enjoy the creative challenge of attempting to document some of our most poignant and intimate moments each and every week.
Thanks to Pussy Wood for her support and maintenance of the hash trash journals and for pushing me into this perfunctory and perilous position.
Thanks to Puff for his additional reports and incredibly damming hash Flash. I can no longer pass a background check and my security clearance has been revoked.
Thank for for helping me overcome my shyness by encouraging me to show my boobs to complete strangers and dress up in ridiculous costumes. I suppose I can  no longer label myself a wallflower.
Thank you for allowing me to become more comfortable taking a wizz in public.
I paid close attention to Occasional. She is a wonderful mentor.
Thank you for increasing my alcohol tolerance. I can now manage 3 or 4 beers an evening verses the measly one beer a night when I started. This is not including  the special jello shots or the nasty LC checks I have learned to tolerate.
And thank you for allowing me to make jello shots for the Hawaiian themed party. 
58 years old and I finally concocted my first ever jello shot. Resume worthy.
Thank you all for pushing me out of my “comfort zone” and into the wilds of hashing.
Thank you to Vaginal Repair Kit for putting up with my antics and showing up on nights even when you were pooped and not in the mood. And for finally putting on that red dress!
Thank you to all our officers past and present for their faithful and zealous adherence to hashings great traditions and rules.  Thanks for being pillars of this community….the community with no standards. Role models for the forlorn, misfits and disenfranchised…oh wait…that’s a different group. (Not!)
Thanks to everyone who shows up every week looking forward to spending a couple of hours with friends, getting some fresh air and exercise, being silly, being themselves, being authentic and being part of the fabric of life.  We’ve certainly gotten to know each other – the good – the bad – and the ugly.  And we continue to love and accept each other. We all come from different lifestyles and yet what I have noticed is that we all get along. And some of you have formed very close friendships and consider your hashing friends as family. Others are simply weekly acquaintances with whom you share a brew and few laughs. 
 As we say in Santa Cruz. “It’s all good”.
And it is good indeed.
It has been good for me to be a part of this group/this family/this zany club.
Thank you again for accepting me and it has been a pleasure getting to know all of you. 
On On On

937: Helloween

Hash Trail 937
Another beerthday hash and another pathetic excuse to dress up and scare the locals. Six days before Halloween but no one blinked an eye. This is normal for Santa Cruz….where you can be a weirdo 365 days a year.24170649068_f9dc6c726c_o
This extravaganza started with the blaring trail announcement from Just Foot Pussy who could not contain his excitement at his impending monumental birthday event. To make matters worse he drags poor Tits and Game out of retirement and out of her comfy temperpedic bed to assist him. She should have stayed home in her PJ’s and slippers. But then we would have been deprived of her luscious boobies and mischievous and devious trail. 37991798172_f41601b5a4_o
So with all the hoopla and hype we gathered at the Red Room….perfect venue for start of a Halloween hash with its clandestine lighting and regular odd characters. We blended right in like Navy Seals in full camo on a stealthy mission.
Well most of us blended in except for some huge pimple like creature with probing tentacles. Not really sure what that thing was but it certainly was the most creative costume I’ve seen in a long time. The “thing” as I will call it from now on made a valiant effort to keep up with the pack. It’s handler, a gregarious yet firm German lad who seems to have wandered away from the Beer Garten, barked out instructions like a drill Sargent each time a menacing curb loomed ahead….or a nasty maze of train tracks, trash and jagged fence holes presented a violent trip hazard.
The “thing” turned out to be very adept at navigating the city streets and the off trail detours, swigging copious amounts of brown liquid along the way. It remained upright the entire trail.
We encountered many checks….which confounded a few. Some got hopelessly lost but thankfully found refuge at Boccis Cellar. Once they recovered from their ordeal and replenished their “electrolytes” they managed to reunite with the rest of the pack at Religion.
They missed an awesome Liquor Check of festive jello shots in the cemetery. They missed beer check at the top of a lovely knoll. They missed snacks and chips and dip. They missed the giant dildo!!
And they missed us enough to venture out again just to be given a down down. Those rascals may have been Taco Tramp, Summers Yeast and possible Wicked, before he Ubered home to avoid prosecution.
38022522621_e658353c9f_oMaybe he, Wicked, kidnapped Cunt Jungle and violated her in the cemetery. You never know what really goes on underneath that Darth Vadar cape and mask. And no one is ever safe from his tongue!
We had an emergency rescue on trail. Bakers took a nasty fall on a slick slice of sidewalk and luckily the ski patrol was nearby and able to revive him with a generous glug of hot amber swill. No stitches, no crutches needed. Thanks Thump Thump and Princess. Gotta love those Saint Bernards.
As all of our festive participants gathered for the Halloween costume contest, also known as Religion, we noticed that the lovely 99 cent plastic glasses had morphed into unrecognizable shapes. Apparently DBased put said party glasses into the bottom rack of the dishwasher. We will probably need to raise your hash cash next week to cover the cost of replacing our expensive stemware. Blame him.
Speaking of blame and shame we now have a true defector in our midst. Cunt Jungle escaped from her over the hill captors and has been brainwashed into thinking SCH3 now her mother kennel. She is keeping her name to protect the guilty.
Our analversaries were BakersDoesn’t and Curtesy Flush each at 69. Kinda weird eh? We all got treated to an interactive 69 demo. Another Halloween treat I suppose?!
We had some backsliders…..Taco Tramp, Tits and Game, and JFP who was traveling to satisfy insatiable needs.
And finally we had the much touted costume contest…..all who turned up were worthy of a prize, including Hugh as the Queen of Hearts, JFP as the raunchy cowboy, Timmy and his best friend Psycho Baby minus some important limbs, along with a sexy giraffe, Gorilla with a huge hat ( perhaps making up for other lack) Taco as an American Horror Story persona and CumYouWillNot in a festive Hawaiian themed dress. Steamy was styling in his matching paisley 60’s era attire. Dual Tools borrowed a banana that looked more like a giant yellow condom. We had bunnies, supermen and superwomen, skeletons, chicks with dicks and dogs with tutus. Meanwhile Puff went all out and rocked the orange OP shorts. Also Bakers dressed as a chef… which was a stretch and his dog morphed into a lobster dinner.
Obviously the strange vagina creature, the giant bed bug, the 8th grade gonorrhea scare tactic or simply the “Thing” won the coveted t-shirt prize. Well deserved. The grand prize goes to BareBackUniCrack!!!
Overall it was a fun night of costumes, birthdays and creepy crawlies.
Thanks to all who came out to celebrate Halloween almost one week early….but who cares? Any excuse for a party.
And don’t forget the party of the year will be an awesome AGM on Nov 9th.
Be there or be square.
On On On,
VOTE FOR ME………..for something, anything!!!