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Trail 947. Too long? Shortcut, follow dBASED

Hello voyeurs,

As if pretending to be a Hash Flash is an insufficient display of devotion to the Hash, our illustrious GM has decided I should fill in for CumFart Zone as Scribe because she’s out of town. She’s also out of her little half-mind but that’s a non-sequitur I guess. So, not only do I have to pull double duty this week, but I’ve been assigned the task of recapping a trail that everyone that hashed it would rather forget. I’d like to forget the two half-mind hares, Shallow Hole and Fap Jack, as well but they keep popping up in my nightmares like two zombies that refuse to die.  Be that as it may…..

Trail began innocuous enough, even pleasantly one may say as we started from recently-opened Santa Adairius on Water Street. This was our first time there and it is a great venue. I just hope I am able to forget what happened after we left here so that my next visit here will not induce an unpleasant flashback to this terrible trail.

After disposing of the hare-pair and all the beer we could swill in the time allotted us, the following hounds circled-up in the parking lot formerly home to the Staff of Life grocery store: Pink Cherry Licker,(more about her later) TIMMY!!, Baker’s Dozen’t, Accuprick, Jizziki,(more on him later) Thmp-Thmp, Princess Di(arrhea), CuntJungle,( a ditty from her later), Dog Breath,(story on him too) Cum You Will Not,(she’ll give us a chuckle too) Cold Smegma Kamakaze(a laughing stock later) dBASED(up to his usual tricks,stay tuned) Testecoil, Just Foot Pussy(late comer) Bacon Queef,(responsibility for a tragedy) and (reluctant) interim Scribe Puff the Magic Drag Queen.

Trail went behind the old Staff of Life building and came to Poplar Street for our first check. Trail was located crossing Water and Soquel, going through the parking lot at the current Staff of Life and down Darwin to a check at Gault Street. The pack then plodded down the locals-only walkway beside the library(that’s an anachronism where books are kept and predates computers) and across Hanover. The next check was discovered at Broadway where, after an unacceptably long distance, trail was discovered on-left on Broadway to another check at Fredrick Street. Here the pack scattered like a billiard ball break and went every which-away. Hound headed towards Fredrick Street park and a few towards Arana Gulch. These losers soon returned upon hearing the on-on on-left on Fredrick and we were not allowed to rest again until reaching Soquel Avenue. We’ve already reached the one mile mark and the hares show no signs whatsoever of allowing us to quench our growing thirst.

We were forced across busy Soquel onto San Juan Avenue. After this point, trail became somewhat convoluted so my memory of it is feeble at best but feeble also echoes trail quality so the exact details are unimportant. We went on-right on Melrose and on-left on Marnell, I think. We hacked along Marnell for an obscene distance and then on-left onto Roxas and one block later an on-left put us back on San Juan Avenue. San Juan was no more fun the second time than it was the first and, as a matter of fact it was even more boring this time. A block later we found ourselves at the intersection with Morrissey

We crossed busy Morrissey and were directed on-left back towards Santa Adairius. Finally! We’re heading for Beer Check and none to soon either I dare say.  Oops! I spoke too soon. A few blocks down Morrissey, a hare arrow pointed the pod on-right onto Hammond followed by an on-right onto Poplar Street just a few blocks from where we viewed the very first check of this trail on-so-many miles ago. We’ve just passed the two mile mark and are STILL heading away from home. This does not bode well. An on-right onto Poplar and we traversed it’s entire length till it ends at Fairmount. Here an on-left was indicated which brought us to a check at Branciforte Avenue.

It was here your (unwilling) replacement Scribe decided to throw the towel in and head home. And so I did. Consequently, from this point forward I will concoct (AKA ‘lie’) as to what transpired on the remainder of this trail.

Trail led the litter on-right on Branciforte and over Highway 1, on-right onto Goss, on-right at the first intersection, Gilbert, and when Gilbert comes to an end one block later, the mob made the necessary on-left onto Rooney Street and proceeded to the abode of co-hare Fap Jack and his lovely wife Pink Cherry Licker.

Now this is where things begin to get good. Number one, Puff is home by this time drinking a beer and cursing our hare-pair. Number two, dBASED’s innate half-mindedness takes over and, worse yet, he plays Pied Pipe of Fools to a number of the pack. Here’s the gory details. Co-hare Fap Jack had announced Religion would be near the start. At some point post-announcement, the site for Religion was moved. To aid an already befuddled bevy, the hares laid trail from Beer Check to Religion which was to be held in the murky triad of churches between Elk Street and Pacheco Avenue where the Quakers, Church of Christ and the Mormons convene.  However….

dBASED, ‘knowing’ where Religion would be better than our hares, chose to ignore the trail markings they’d kindly placed and decided to ‘shortcut’ back to Santa Adairius. With him he took half-minds Jizziki, Cum you Will Not, Cold Smegma Kamikaze and CuntJungle. Once back to Sana Adairius and finding no other hashers, a frantic phone call revealed their foolishness. They then drove to Religion, with the exception of Jizziki and Cum You Will Not whom obviously were embarrassed by their disobeying the club directive: Never follow dBASED!, placed their tails betwixt their hind legs and shagged their arses home skipping Religion.

Back to Puff. I have now finished my beer and called TIMMY!!. TIMMY!! told me where Religion was and to go back to Santa Adairius and someone would retrieve me. I thank Thmp-Thmp for doing so and delivering me to Religion.

Now that dBASED and the prodigal hounds have arrived, it’s time for Religion.

Just Foot Pussy was busted for being a non-runner.  Now we have to deal with Pink Cherry Licker and her wino sidekick, Bacon Queef. Seems that as trail passed within a block of Bacon Queef’s home, she and Pink Cherry Licker ambled on-in for a Gorilla Wine Check. Worse yet, it seems PCL became ‘forgetful’ (Read: Tipsy!) and abandoned our hashit at BQ’s abode. On the upside, this serious lapse in judgement made the awarding of the hashit a cinch this week. Accuprick was treated to a rousing chorus of Happy Birthday as he has made it to 65. He doesn’t look a day over 70 either, does he? Cold Smegma Kamikaze was invited to visit with the RA. At one of the checks, he wrote OnOne in big letters. That’s nice of him but there were two glaring deficiencies present. One, he neglected to indicate which direction this valuable piece of information led him and two, worse yet, he was too frggin’ lazy to come back to the check and kick it once solved. Dog Breath, noticing Puff’s absence at Beer Check, thought the Alzheimer’s had kicked in and I was lost on trail so he went back looking for me. Hint: when someone is lost, you will NOT find them on trail. In what was the only good piece of information we received this night, CuntJungle has announced her departure from amongst us is taking place next month. I would request dBASED immediately move her Hash Count to the page for those that have not hashed with us in a year so that I will not have to see her picture when I make my weekly perusal of the Hash Count. On-on-on was…oh, wait. I almost forgot the accursed hares. Shallow Hole and Fap Jack were roundly condemned. They should have been hanged but there was no tree nearby. Okay, back to where I was before being interrupted by the hares. On-on-on was convened at Taqueria Santa Cruz across from the Double-Oh-Seven, a place a few hashers may have gone as well. This signals an end to Trail 947 and, hopefully, to the haring aspirations of Shallow Hole and Fap Jack.

By Special appointment of His Royal Majesty “G”, this Hash Trash has been compiled and printed by permission of no one other than the author at Santa Cruz, Ca., or elsewhere if need be, on this, the thirteenth day of January in the year of our Hash two thousand and eighteen.

On-out,

Puff

the

Magic Drag Queen

Acting Scribe,

Surf City H3

 

 

Hash # 945 Xmas Hash and Tacky Gift Exchange with FHAC-U on 12/21/17

945houseTis the season for the Anal Xmas and Tacky Gift Exchange Hash with FHAC-U.  Worm opened up his house to host this hash for the umpteenth year in a row!  We did not see his wife, who was reportedly hiding out somewhere in the house.   There was a big turn out for the event.  I counted 15 Surf City hashers who made the trek over the hill to Los Gatos.  Pink Cherry Licker drove a bunch of them over in her van.  There was plenty of food and 945puffhoundsdrink to keep everyone jolly.   Puff was a big hit with the canine residents of the house who got a whiff of the treats in his bag, and then wouldn’t leave his side.

Worm and Drink n’ Squirt were the Hares.  It was a clear, but brisk night in the 40’s and only a handful of hashers actually did trail, including myself, dBASED, Achy Breaky Snatch, Courtesy Flush and Puff.  The rest of the pack ate and drank at the house.

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The first part of trail was a roughly 2 mile loop around Worm’s hilly neighborhood and back to his house.   We got to warm up for a bit and enjoy a cocktail before heading back out into the cold night.   The945BQJFP second part of trail was a short jaunt to downtown Los Gatos to the Black Watch bar for kamikaze shots.  Downtown Los Gatos was pretty festive with some  nice light displays.  However, the most colorful characters of the night were the hashers.  The locals were quite entertained at the freak show parade.  We stopped a 2 more bars before heading back to the house.  I got 4.59 miles total.

 

 

945kamakaziThe tacky gift exchange did not disappoint!  Someone got a bag of rocks, someone got a bunch of condoms, Achy Breaky Snatch got a freaky “love kit”.  But the best gift of the night had to go to Pink Cherry Licker!  She chose the biggest box and got a LOG!  Yes, a real log.  Hope they have a fireplace!  945log

 

It was a fun night!  A great time was had by all!  Thanks to Worm for hosting!

And last but not least, the Hares, for a shitty trail!

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On On,

Shallow Hole

Hash Trash #944 Picture Perfect

This was the  annual holiday time “Picture Hash” that our slightly obsessed hare, DBased, dreams about all year long. Instead of visions of sugarplums dancing in his head, he has visions of lost and befuddled hashers flipping him off. Not much difference between dream time and reality time.
Yes, DBased planned this thing a year in advance…..mainly because he may have fucked it up last year and he had to redeem himself. He was almost giddy to gather the festive fools to follow his endless circle jerks and backtracks. He grinned ear to ear at each stop, coaxing us on with his impromptu side kick….Vaginal Repair Kit…. who was fresh out of the operating room for his back surgery…but somehow in his anesthesia fog he forget to change out of his hospital gown. It was a bit breezy for him as the night air was fresh and crisp and some of us got more than we bargained for as he gleefully showed off his scar!IMG_3034
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We marched up and down Park Av and Soquel Av and finally trudged up to a sweet little park for Beer Check. The kids had a chance to play on the train and have their picture taken. Then we trudged back to Occasional and Dbased home for some tasty snacks and more libations.
Religion was held on the back patio around the fire pit.
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We started off with Cum You will Not celebrating 50 hashes and thus she became the evenings beer fairy…although she looked more like a deer in the headlights. Guess this really was her first rodeo.
She shouldn’t quit her day job to become a bartender. Our beloved RA, Accuprick, kept barking orders at her and had her head spinning faster than that chick in the Exorcist. At least she didn’t spew!!
Just Michael came back for more abuse and Virgin Lori sang us a crappy song but it was “cripple girl” aka Pinky who stole the show. She was found face down on the pavement, trying desperately to activate her Life Alert button. Instead she had to rely on the HashShit to get her to her feet. Thankfully it had just been passed along from father Timmy!!!  to daughter. It came in handy as a crutch and a necessary walking stick.
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New Kids On My Cock had been missing in action and finally got bailed out from the rehab center. As a reminder “rehab is for quitters”. Achy Breaky also took a much needed break from her grueling race schedule and made a cameo. She has been missed.
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As part of the evening’s festivities we had a costume contest, sponsored by the lovely and alluring Princess Di.
The prize for most flammable went to Ms Tinsel Tits who may also be known as Responsive Asshole, if I got the name correct. Apparently she too has been missing in action….for about a dozen years or so.
Most creative holiday sweater went to Cums You Will Not.
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Most rash inducing went to Steamy B and Baker’s Dozen’t was also a big winner with the official UGLIEST SWEATER….wear that sash with pride, sugar lips.
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Our hares, DBased and Occasional Rapist were applauded for their annual holiday gathering and general good cheer ambassadors.
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Stub Rub and Summer’s yeast were headed to the land down under. A great way to lose a whole 24 hours without the hangover and blackouts. I am sure that they will return with some silly accents and that annoying “G’Day”crap.
The rest of us revealed in the impending stress of holidays and wished each other well for the New Year.
Get your resolutions ready.
No hashing = No Fun.
Know hashing = Know FUN!!
On On On
CumFartZone

Hash Trash #943: Toys for Tots Hash on 12/7/17

Hash # 943- Anal Toys for Tots Hash on 12/7/17:  Will drink for the children’s sake!

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Hashers have few redeeming qualities, but once a year, they will cum out in droves to drink beer on a chilly night to collect toys for needy children.  Instead of 8 bucks, hashers needed to bring a toy to donate.  I remember Banana Basher telling us years ago that doing charity events makes the hash more socially acceptable in the community.  Ha ha!  We tried to tell that to the cops one year and they told us “We should be ashamed of ourselves for collecting toys for charity while drinking alcohol!”   943hares943barOur Hares were Stub Rub and Steamy Baanorrhea.  We gathered at JJ’s saloon in Soquel dressed in festive holiday attire.  Summer’s Yeast has a Toys for Tots collection box at her salon.  We were allowed inside the salon briefly to drop off the toys, but were ushered out quickly so we didn’t destroy anything.  I guess she’s learned her lesson from previous years.

Trail was a death march.  Not!  It was a whopping 2.23 miles according to my GPS.  We had a short shiggy section down a steep ravine and had to climb up the other side.  We passed through the Soquel High School grounds through the trails.  There was a liquor check.  It was a jug with some kind of white stuff in it, that tasted surprisingly not so bad.   We ended up going down the slide through Blue Balls Park and ended up at beer check at Lion’s Park on Main Street.

Religion was in back of JJ’s.  Accuprick was RA.  Deadliest Snatch was Beer Fairy.  Princess Diarrhea, Wicked Retahted, Rat Pussy and My Little Bony got called out for not doing trail.  There were a couple Analversaries.  Summer’s Yeast celebrated her 50th and Baker’s Dozen’t celebrated his 75th Surf City hash!  Get a life!  A bunch of hashers drank for not carrying a bottle opener.  Hashers always need to be prepared folks!  Pussy Galore drank for being a back slider.  She’s been hanging out in Bangkok these days.  Testicoil brought a goat’s foot with him.  Not sure why.  Said he bought it at a flea market and his wife chases him around the house with it.  Nice foreplay.  Must turn him on since they are expecting.  Timmy got called out for not bringing the hash shit with him.  Give him a break.  He has dementia.  And last but not least, the Hares……………..943haresreligion

Once again, S H I- T T Y- T-R-A-I-L!

On On,

Shallow Hole

Hash Trash # 942 on 11/30/17

942boardwalkLet’s just” thai” one on.
Fap Jack and PCL reluctantly agreed to hare this pathetic post Thanksgiving trail. Coming off the ever scintillating North South weekend some of the loyal hashers proudly wore their new t-shirts….while the rest of us peons had to settle for regular cold weather gear.
We gathered early at a really fantastic Thai restaurant just across from the Santa Cruz Boardwalk. The friendly bartender happily filled all of our drink orders with a smile and a slight honorary bow. It’s nice to be treated like royalty once in while, rather than being run off by park rangers and terrified neighbors.
We set off through the Boardwalk and the Arcade…sadly there was no time to play a round of Laser Tag…..nor strap on 942arcadesome skates for a whirl around the seasonal ice rink. We couldn’t stop for hot chocolate either as we had some feisty hares to catch. Up and around the Giant Dipper….eerily silent as the frenetic summer tourist season is finally over. No more screaming kids, wailing babies, or frazzled parental units. Just hashers waxing poetic about the newly quiet beaches. A few precious months without tourists….how sweet it is. Maybe we can actually find a parking space at Seabright Brewery this winter.
As we ponder the change of seasons the dreaded railroad trestle looms ahead. Thankfully this time we can cross on the more stable pedestrian side rather than across the open rotting beams. Some of us have a rather severe fear of heights. Still in the thanksgiving mode, the hares must have taken pity on us.
Up and around and around and around till we finally find Beer Check…..one of our favorite little spots overlooking the beach with the boardwalk as an iconic backdrop.
A few lucky ones got chauffeured back to Religion….held a ways up from the trestle, far enough from preying eyes and law enforcement.
Religion started with a hearty congrats to Cold Smegma who just completed another comic book. Despite his artsy fartsy news he also announced that he was SO THIRSTY….despite chugging only FOUR beers.
We had a few non runners aka auto hashers…such as Wicked, Broke Bench and Just Foot Pussy who arrived on his 2 wheeled chariot.
Wicked also did a tiny bit of trail…then did a major short cut due to “getting lost”.
Hmmm.
Bacon Queef enjoyed the North South festivities a wee bit too much as she joined the ranks of the “Puking Projectile Olympics”. It was so bad that she impersonated Linda Blair and even blew chunks out of her nose. So ladylike.
Princess Di sang her an appropriate barfing song about worms.
We celebrated a few analversaries…..Wicked with 175, Timmy with a whooping 600 and DBased with an astounding 775. Get a Life people!
Lots of folks represented North South and a few were inducted in the Pen15 club. Timmy is still confused and keeps saying, “what does mine say”??
Inside Joke I suppose.
We had a virgin….Brandon….and some visitors who showed up on trail for a brief moment and then vanished.
942haresWe toasted the hares and then went back to the Thai joint for some warm tasty food.
All in all it was a lovely adventure.
See you next week.
On On On,
CumFartZone942cfz

Hash Trash #920- Trail of Bromance!

940brosWe started at East Cliff Brewing with the Jersey Shore Boys in full regalia. We got the memo from Courtesy Flush about his sacred costume hash complete with step by step instructional videos on how to rock the complete Bro look. All week long we practiced our best squats and pumped up the guns to look bad ass. We ran out to KMart to pick up a new white wife beater tee. We raided our Mom’s jewelry box to search for the most appropriate and obnoxious gold chain. We slathered on the dippity do, spritzed ourselves and everything else within 20 feet with crappy cologne and cheap perfume. Hair was teased up to dizzingly high heights and lips were glossed and perfectly pouty. The eyeliner was slithered on neatly with sleek black lines extending  far beyond the reaches of the eye and good taste.  The nauseous blue eye shadow glittered and sparkled. These bro and bras were ready to hit the town…..at least attempt another shitty Surf City trail.

Much ado was made about this trail…complete with not one but two Liquor checks, weenies and marshmallows roasting over an open fire pit, and copious amounts of muscle milk.

The excitement mounted over a few pre trail beers and much primping and posturing. A quick Dollar Tree foray was rewarded with extra hairspray, glitter and really shitty perfume. I mean really –  who expected Channel #9 from the dollar store??

Finally we set off on this exciting beach side trail….strutting our stuff and meandering through a few neighborhoods, finally emerging at the Santa Cruz Harbor. Once beyond the Crows Nest we had to navigate huge tractor made mountains in the sand as the water lapped dangerously close to our toes. Amazingly little 4 legged Two F*ck Chuck was able to keep up despite missing many of the most recent hashes.

Once we survived the Sub Saharan death march we we rewarded by the promised bon fire.  We settled in to enjoy toasted marshmallows and leftover spiked muscle milk…..Gag me.

CumfartZone wedged her tush on a soggy log in order to take notes and enjoy her beer in comfort around the crackling blaze. It was short-lived.

Unfortunately our new RA used her ill gotten power to expel CFZ from the log and partake of the first down down. Grrrrrrrrr.

Banished to the cooler, CFZ meekly cowered and did her dutiful scribe duties without any more fuss.

Bare Back Unicrack was called up for peeing on trail THREE times….and CumYouWillNot, who has no shame, apparently peed right on the driveway in front of a house. A modicum of discretion would be nice so we all don’t get hauled into the local jail!

Crimes included RealBoringBitch pointing with his fingers. Luckily CuntJungle set him straight.

CumYouWillNot comes off the beach trail and runs gleefully up to the first fire ring she sees and asks “where’s the beers dude?” All she gets are blank stares. Pay Attention Missy!! Those were 12 steppers…..NOT hashers!

UrineCider apparently five fingered someone elses shades….Not cool Bro.

Our new beer meister for the night parked the beer truck at the wrong location. With all his gadgets, GPS, Geocaching skills and giant alien like headlamp he still could not find his way to religion. Way to go Dbased.

Meanwhile all the Bros and chicklets were called up for a Down Down. These folks took the time to READ the description of the trail and made an EFFORT to dress up appropriately. Curtesy Flush, Baker’s Dozen’t, Just Sean, Urine Cider, Just Andrea, Shallow Hole, Cunt Jungle, BareBack, CumYouWillNot, PCL, Puff, Fap Jack, Real Boring Bitch, Wicked…in other words the whole pack.

Well done people.

Curtesy Flush handed out some prizes for the best Flex, best squat, and best clean and jerk.

He lovingly made some BROceltes(translation….bracelets) for the winner. He is such a metrosexual kinda guy…..kinda like Vag Repair Kit…..they both read Architectural Digest, love fresh flowers in the home, iron their sheets and make their own bread. One day they will make a girl very happy.

Shallow stepped into her new role as GM easily and effortlessly. How hard could it be to supply and pass out the chalk, set the timer once the hares are off and offer introductions at the starting circle? Well, for some this is a monumental task….but Shallow rose to the occasion. Only 103 more hashes to go!!

Good luck Girlfriend.

Oh and we had a Birthday…Curtesy Flush…who else!!940hares

So, onto Thanksgiving festivities and overeating….so what else is new.

On On On,

CumFartZone