One hundred harings,
This is where Dung-Fu Grip has dragged us behind him and frequently begging for mercy. From high school history, many of you may remember The Hundred Years War between the French and British and Napoleon’s Hundred Days. Neither of these were especially audacious occurrences and we must now group Dung-Fu Grip’s Hundred Harings into this group of infamous events.
As many of you will remember, Dung-Fu was passing through Santa Cruz 9 years ago and his visit serendipitously(for him, not us) coincided with Red Dress. He never left. It appears we are stuck with him. He played co-GM through COVID restrictions. While you may believe that to have been challenging, remember that for over a year we had no in-person hashes. He was lauded for hand-holding us through those trying times when in actuality he had to do less than a REAL GM. And now we have been subjected to One Hundred Harings. Oh, I almost forgot, he now has the audacity to claim he’s been shorted in the Hash Count and has actually led the litter a hundred and ONE times. I assure you there’s more than ONE of his trails I’d prefer to forget. The factors that influence the parameters of a Dung-Fu trail are complex, dynamic and, sadly, perverse. The random volatility of his unwise actions has climaxed in a number of injuries, mercifully none serious, over the years. Many of these injuries were of a psychological nature and endure to this day. But enough of his past glories, let’s rehash Hash 1183.
We began this outing from Wagner Grove in Harvey West Park. Wagner Grove, as most of you know, was closed by the City years ago for fire safety reasons. So, what better place to start a Hash than from a closed park. The only drawback here, other than the illegality involved, is stand-in Beermeisters Pink Cherry Licker and Fap Jack were too damn lazy to cart the beer here so the start was moved to a more easily accessible spot but nonetheless still illegal. Then a pizza was delivered.
Once the libation situation was settled socializing took center stage and would remain so even during Instructions of Trail delivered from on high(or is that WHILE high?) owing to the fact they are seldom ever true, let alone be informative in the slightest. Once the hare was dispensed with, pack socializing returned to it’s normal dull roar. While awaiting on-out, co-GM Broke Bench Mountain gave the Chalk Talk to Virgin Jenna…on the leftover pizza box! Having no chalk(how can a GM not have chalk?) a few rude etchings were scratched into the pizza box lid and Broke Bench finished by telling Jenna to stay close to someone. Sadly, she chose Bestiality Interruptus to attach herself to this night and we all know how challenged HE can become with trail.
After the passage of the requisite fifteen minute lead time, something no one believes Dung-Fu truly needs, co-GM’s Cumz Out My Nose and Broke Bench Mountain called for Circelup for Introductions and heard from the following fools: TIMMY!!, Banana Basher, Virgin Jenna, Butt Balls, Little Anal Annie, Steamy Baanorrhea, Occasional Rapist, dBASED, Cum You Will Not, Chippin’ Ballz, Baker’s Dozen’t, Accuprick, Cold Smegma Kamikaze, Bestiality Interruptus, International House of Pussy, Driponya, Clearly Not A Hooker, Pink Cherry Licker, Fap Jack, Snake Me Anywhere and Puff the Magic Drag Queen. I should not fail to mention our four-legged hounds: Boulder, Spott’d Dick, Farley, Posey, Pokey, Wobbles and Junk Puncher. The soldiers are on the field, let the war begin.
As we’d seen the hare exit the scene via Wagner Grove, we opted to do the same. As most of you know, storms a few years ago have rendered the trail on-up from Wagner Grove treacherous at best and downright dangerous at worst.
Partway on-up, the Turkey/Eagle split was encountered. It appears the Eagles are headed into Pogonip. Scribe ain’t goin’ into Pogonip as dark approaches, he will Turkey trot tonight. Turkey’s continued on-up Wagner Grove Trail to Meadow Court which soon morphs into Meadow Road. Meadow terminates at Spring Street where an on-left was indicated giving us a pleasant but short-lived on-down followed by an on-right onto Quarry Lane. This scenic tour of the Upper Westside and it’s multi-million dollar abodes was followed by an on-left onto Quarry Court which ends at a locals-only pedestrian path that dumped us out on Limestone Lane.
Limestone Lane is a quaint little street that smacks of domesticity and family values. The Hash shattered this placid environment as we hooped and hollered down the street tossing flour, chalk and drinking from beer cans. Traipse along Limestone far enough and a shaded, unused dirt track on-right will allow you the opportunity to trespass onto private property, desecrate church grounds and illegally enter an abandoned quarry via a conveniently cut fence. What an occasion! Once surrounded by homes, the steep walls of the quarry and a semi-intact fence, Beer Check was staged.
Beer Check in an abandoned quarry for persons abandoned by society
Our hare, knowing most hounds hated trail, provided a multitude of libations and various and sundry goodies for our dining enjoyment. While appreciated, it did little to remove the pain of trail. Hounds straggled out a various intervals, exiting via the pre-cut hole in the fence and back onto church grounds. A short driveway led the litter to High Street where the promised second Turkey/Eagle split was observed. As we are safely past Pogonip, Scribe will fly with the Eagles this time.
An on-right onto High Street was made followed by an on-left onto Cardiff Place. Just prior to a 7-11, we were pointed on-left, through a gate and into an apartment complex. Dung-Fu also laid trail through here last year, he must have a propensity for frightening little children. This will eventually bring you to Bradley Drive where a check was encountered at the intersection with Majors Street. We took an on-right onto Majors and took this dismally long stretch to Laurent Street and were pointed on-left. This, too, is an abysmally dreary section of asphalt with one notable exception. Laurel Creek, which the City has seen fit to hide for much of it’s trek on-down to Neary Lagoon, is visible at one very attractive locale on Laurent Street.
We can now fast forward along Laurent Street across High Street to Highland Avenue. Along Highland the two clans would merge and continue traipsing along in what is now complete darkness. Just prior to where Highland becomes steep, pitch black and dangerous, a conveniently located locals-only walkway bypasses that terror and brings us to the intersection with High Street. Our course is clear, it’s down to the walkway beside Highway 1 and back to Harvey West. And it was so done, albeit with a brief diversion through Evergreen Cemetery.
Once reassembled, RA Accuprick fired up his machine and delivered a number of down-downs and here’s a sampling: Non-runners were punished; the Hashit and it’s guardian, Clearly Not A Hooker, were brought up; backslider Bestiality Interruptus was punished; Virgin Jenna was welcomed; owners whose dog pooped on trail; Cum You Will Not for Spott’d Dick licking the food container at Beer Check, we grieved for TIMMY!! whose truck was totaled by a passing garbage truck; Analversaries, IHOP at 50 trails, Broke Bench Mountain at 450 trails and Dung-Fu Grip at 100 harings, were celebrated; Broke Bench Mountain who became lost on trail; Baker’s Dozen’t was thanked for saving Cold Smegma Kamikaze from going the wrong way on trail; lastly, dBASED was awarded the Hashit for making a false accusation.
That put a lid on this Hash and Accuprick declared, This Hash is over! And so is this Trash.
The preceding was a factual accounting of actual events though possibly not as they actually occurred. One should never allow the facts to stand in the way of a good story.
A Scribe’s sole purpose is to provide entertainment to their kennel mates. Whether or not they are successful in this endeavor is still a subject open to debate.
By Special Appointment of His Royal Majesty ‘G’, this Hash Trash has been compiled and printed by permission of no one other than the author at Santa Cruz, Ca., or elsewhere if need be, on this, the thirteenth day of April in the year of our Hash two-thousand twenty-two.
Submitted with all respect due,
Magic Drag Queen
Surf City H3 Scribe