Rainbow Butthole attempted to redeem herself after the tragic events of Hash 1192 in Scotts Valley last week by being a repeat offender hare. She even requested previous co-hare My Sister’s Dildo accompany her. However, upon seeing the chosen route, Dildo feigned illness and withdrew her name from the hare-trio listing. That should have served as a warning to us. However, sadly, half-minds took no note of the change and were blindly led like lambs to the slaughter.
Festivities were strong this week and were enhanced by the return of long ago hashers Choka-cola and (current) husband Hairy Potter. These two fine representatives of Hashdom took a few years away from the game to spawn and have now passed temporary care of their progeny to one of their parents who lives nearby allowing them to return to their rollicking days of yesteryear. It was also of note Bacon Queef and Just Foot Pussy returned to the fold after an extended absence. They have recently completed salvaging a deteriorating abode from the scrap heap and reside within courtesy of the attached unit for which they receive an exorbitant sum of money monthly.
The Blue Lagoon consists of a number of different rooms, dance venues and a pool table. None of these did we visit today. We had no reason to go further than the first bar we came to.
We were staging our own Pride Parade so the attire was varied but was also, as is typical for Surf City, bizarre bordering on outlandish. I suggest visiting with the Flash as you will not believe any description I care to render. Well, it’s quite a spell past the advertised 6:33 hares-out time,I fear something has gone amiss even prior to beginning this hash. Cum You Will Not is present(and drinking heavily) and faithful companion animal Spott’d Dick is at her side as always but the second and third hares are AWOL. Ah, Rainbow Butthole has just arrived and is sweating as if she’s just pre-laid the entirety of trail. With more experience she’ll learn to pre-lay well in advance of on-out time and then such behavior will be more difficult to prove. But now she says My Sister’s Dildo failed to meet her at Beer Check location so she had to run all the way on-in. We now know Beer Check is more than a block or two away. Rainbow was quick to deliver Instructions of Trail and made them mercifully brief as no one believes a word she says anyway. Quick though she was, it’s such a late hour by now that many of the pack are too intoxicated to WALK, let alone RUN. Hares away.
The obligatory 15 minute lead time was passed walking some of the hounds around in hopes of reviving them. This ploy was met with limited success. After the allotted time, co-GM’s Cumz Out My Nose and Broke Bench Mountain called for and got a Circleup for Introductions and elicited responses from the following hounds: Baker’s Dozen’t, TIMMY!!, Chippin’ Ballz, Virgin Scott, Just Kamryn, Pink Cherry Licker, Clearly Not A Hooker, Steamy Baanorrhea, Bacon Queef, Just Foot Pussy, Occasional Rapist, Hairy Potter, Choka-cola, Cold Smegma Kamikaze, Dung-Fu Grip, dBASED and Puff the Magic Drag Queen. Representing our four-legged contingency was Boulder and Junk Puncher. Spott’d Dick was co-haring. On-out!
A hare arrow pointed the pod north on Pacific though there was some initial confusion as some wondered if it was a residual marking from the Chalk Talk given Virgin Scott. No matter, off we went. Pacific was abused to it’s ending point where it was determined something had gone wrong. A brief backtrack found marker pointing the pod onto Plaza Lane and coming to Cedar Street. Here we went on-right and on-right again at Mission Street. Now we’re standing waiting for the all clear signal to cross Mission and turn on-right onto Water Street. A few of the braver (read: foolish) dashed across Water Street at various points other than the pedestrian crossings. It was then on past River Street and continued until Reed Way where the promised Turkey/Eagle split manifested itself. I’m guessing the Eagle takes Berkeley Way to North Branciforte. There’s some elegant homes along this street, let’s Eagle today.
It was so done, the Eagles took Berkeley Way to North Branciforte where they rejoined the Turkeys and both clans continued along North Branciforte. This lasted until Keystone Avenue where an on-right was dictated followed by another on-right onto Poplar Avenue. This was another boring, straight stretch of concrete which took us across Water Street and then across Soquel Avenue. A quick on-left and on-right put us on Darwin Street. When Darwin ceases at Gault Street, the litter was led on-right and to the beautifully remodeled home of Bacon Queef and Just Foot Pussy, AKA Slum Landlords. Yes, they’ve evolved into capitalists. Reputedly, there was to be a Liquor Check here but none manifested it’s presence in the brief time I spent there.
We moved on. At Seabright, trail turned on-left and past the (now) attractive house where Puff resided for 40 years. At Broadway, trail went on-right to Pine Street where we were directed on-left. Pine was used until Pleasant Street where we were led on-right to Caledonia and an on-left to Peck Terrace and across to Ocean View Way and then on-left into Ocean View Park. Beer Check location?
No such luck. The park was probably deemed too scenic for our dastardly duo of hares. We traipsed directly through the park, on-down to East Cliff Drive and on-left to undertake the on-up to the top of the hill just for the pleasure of taking the on-right and on-down to the trestle towering over the mighty San Lorenzo River. This put us in the massive Boardwalk parking lot. After some aimless wandering we discovered marker on Third Street. We tip-toed quietly through Beach Flats along Third Street and were soon treated to Beer Check just prior to Riverside Avenue. A substantial percentage of passing cars slowed to view this interesting sight. Thinking that soon one of these vehicles may exhibit that dreaded black and white paint scheme, we concluded our business here rather quickly and undertook the remainder of trail. There seems to have been a number of options, or at least a number of them created. I discovered some chalk on Raymond Street followed by an on-right onto Leibrandt Avenue. This led to Laurel Street Extension and then onto the river levee. This dangerous path would not end until the top floor of the River Street car park.
Once reassembled and beer in hand, Accuprick turned on his Religion machine. Here’s a sampling of what transpired once that machine was up to operating temperature: the Turkeys that inadvertently ended up on the second Eagle trail were mocked; Cold Smegma Kamikaze who unknowingly short-cutted to the site of Religion; backsliders were punished, Virgin Scott was welcomed; Cold Smegma was awarded the Hashit and an announcement pertaining to next week’s hash was made. And the hares…Rainbow Butthole, Cum You Will Not and Wines Like A Bitch acting as stand-in for My Sister’s Dildo. There was some nice scenery, that was about it. On-on-on was held at Woodstock Pizza and those present participated in Thursday Night Trivia and considering they missed the first two rounds, made a quite acceptable showing…even drunk as they were!
The preceding was a factual accounting of actual events though possibly not as they actually occurred. One should never allow the facts to stand in the way of a good story. Do not allow the profound to be the enemy of the interesting.
A Scribe’s sole purpose is to provide entertainment to their kennel mates. Whether or not they are successful in this endeavor is still a subject open to debate.
By Special Permission of His Royal Majesty ‘G’, this Hash Trash has been compiled and printed by permission of no one other than the author at Santa Cruz, Ca., or elsewhere if need be, on this, the fifteenth day of June in the year of our Hash two-thousand twenty-two.
Submitted with all respect due,
Magic Drag Queen
Surf City H3 Scribe