Hash Twelve-38: Lampshades and Shady Hares

Shine a light,

On our annual Lampshade Hash. This Hash tradition was revived many years ago by Butt Balls I believe. It has now become a club staple and is looked forward to by many of us. Next year I can only hope more appropriate hares are selected though. Explanation below.

For the first time ever, the brood coagulated in Beach Hut Deli rather than the usual Hindquarter. There was, of course, no logical reason for this other than to set the tone for an atypical Lampshade Hash trail. When Cum You Will Not and Steamy Baanorrhea are our hare- pair, expect the unexpected. Besides the usual suspects we were graced with the presence of three FHAC-Uers and dBASED’s youngest offspring, Little Spit. She and a friend, Just Alysa, were in town from Portland, Oregon on Spring Break. We have not seen Little Spit since before the pandemic. The beer selection at Beach Hut is superior to that of Hindquarter and the food is highly edible as well. We may wish to consider this as a starting point for other trails in the future. We’ll just use better hares next time. Against State law, our canine contingency was even allowed in the building. Cold Smegma Kamikaze, absent from our midst for a while, supplied us with a Virgin, Lisa. That’s probably the only reason he returned to us. Worm joined us and said he was certain he would not be returning to his palatial estate in Los Gatos this night but would stay in Santa Cruz. Wise decision.

Not too long after the fated time, the hares delivered Instructions of Trail. They were somewhat vague, I assume intentionally so, and left much to be desired. Hares-out.

In the interim, Dung-Fu Grip delivered the Chalk Talk to Virgin Lisa. She listened attentively but most likely retained little.

Virgin Lisa receives the Chalk Talk from Dung-Fu Grip

The settling of bar tabs and the emptying of beer mugs completed, co-GMs Cumz Out My Nose and Broke Bench Mountain pushed the pod past the door for Circleup for Introductions. This resulted in their hearing from: TIMMY!!, Today Is Monday, Gary the Shit Stain, dBASED, Worm, Circle Gherkin’, Pink Cherry Licker, Flours For Anal Bum, Just Alysa, Little Spit, Cold Smegma Kamikaze, Virgin Lisa, Dung-Fu Grip and Puff the Magic Drag Queen. Our canine contingency was at full strength; Scratch and Sniff, Junk Puncher and Spot’d Dick. Pack out.

Trail took the troops to Ocean Street where we had sufficient time to consume another beer, this light takes forever. Eventually we did get to okay to cross sign and headed on-up the Soquel Avenue hill. At May Avenue an arrow directed us to cross Soquel(without benefit of a traffic signal)and then on-left to continue on-up the hill. Just prior to Oceanview Avenue the back check mark was observed. Partway on-back, it was obvious trail was to proceed on-up the hill to the mega-mansion and Hash Hotel formerly the home of Last Call Norm and Pearl Necklace. Sadly, both have left this plane of existence. The driveway curves around and empties onto Oceanview Avenue where an arrow took us on-right to Broadway.

A solved check here took us on-left to Caledonia Street and on-right there to Pleasant Street. Pleasant Street is, however, anything but. There is no curb and gutter and the pavement is full of ankle-twisting holes. It’s one block length ends at Pine Street where we went on-right to find a check at one of out all time favorite intersections, that being Pine Street, Buena Vista Avenue and Cayuga Street. This five way collision is both fun and challenging. Marker was eventually located on-right onto Buena Vista followed by another on-right on-down the pedestrian walkway to the end of Branciforte Avenue. You old timers will remember Branciforte originally went to Buena Vista but it was such a dangerous and blind intersection the City closed off this section decades ago. Then it was (back) on-up to Oceanview Park and on-left through the park to Liquor Check.

Just Alysa and Little Spit partake of Liquor Check

When Just Alysa, Little Spit and Puff left Liquor Check, Puff carted the offering off with him. More on that during Religion. Trail proceeded on-down to East Cliff Drive where the promised Turkey/ Eagle split was encountered. Scribe cannot even SEE the Eagles, he will take Turkey trail today. Trail turned on-right into a field laughingly called Jesse Street Marsh. In days bygone, this actually was a marsh, an estuary of the mighty San Lorenzo River. The City Fathers, in their infinite wisdom, filled it in. Now it lies fallow serving no purpose whatsoever. This deposited us on Lemos Avenue. One block later it was on-right onto Pearl Street and one block later on-left on Barson Street. Barson was utilized until taking the steps on-up to San Lorenzo Boulevard, across the street and on-left onto the river levee walkway.

This turned out to be a needless circle jerk. We were directed on-right and under the Laurel Street bridge to continue along the levee all the way to Riverside Avenue. It was there, in the parking lot for Riverside Lighting, we located the hare-pair and they ushered us into Beer Check. It seemed we were here for an inordinate amount of time before Steamy asked if we were ready to do the rest of trail. What? MORE trail?!? Yes, it was true, the hare-pair had more torture in mind for us. To insure we HAD to do the remainder of their terrible trail, Religion would NOT be held at Riverside Lighting as it has many times prior.

So, off we went to cross Soquel onto Dakota Avenue and on-left through San Lorenzo Park, turn on-right into the County building parking lot and on-right again at Ocean Street. Just prior to Beach Hut Deli flour forced the flock to on-right into a parking lot and curve around to the Soquel Avenue side where Dung-Fu Grip cranked up his Religion machine. Here’s a sampling of down-downs issued this night: those not sporting lampshades; TIMMY!! for drunkenly knocking the cherry off someone’s joint; Gary for looking like Grigori Rasputin and fueling fear of a Russian invasion; Pink Cheery Licker for rescuing Gary from a potential arrest by local gendarmes; those that found this simple trail too difficult to follow; Puff for prematurely taking the bottle from Liquor Check; Cold Smgema Kamikaze and Virgin Lisa for being DFLs; backsliders were punished; Virgin Lisa was recognized; Cold Smegma Kamikaze celebrated his 175th hash with us and Circle Gherkin’ walked away with the Best Lampshade Award. Oh. The hares. They were told trail was not very exciting. And neither are they. This Hash is over.

The preceding was a factual accounting of actual events though possibly not as they actually occurred. One should never allow the facts to stand in the way of a good story. Do not allow the profound to become the enemy of the interesting.

A Scribe’s sole purpose is to provide entertainment to their kennel mates. Whether or not they are successful in this endeavor remains a subject open to debate.

I chose not to complicate this Hash Trash with facts thereby allowing me to extract almost any end I desired. It was with this motive in mind that I recounted the events that comprised Hash Twelve-38.

By Special Appointment of His Royal Majesty ‘G’, this Hash Trash has been compiled and printed by permission of no one other than the author at Santa Cruz, Ca., or elsewhere if need be, on this, the third day of April in the year of our Hash two-thousand-twenty-three.

Submitted with all respect due,



Magic Drag Queen

Surf City H3 Scribe

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