Would have benefited this trail tremendously. Billed as the No AI Trail in rebuke of the terrible trail of tedious torture the troops traipsed with Dung-Fu Grip and Bing at the helm two weeks ago, it succeeded only in removing the Intelligence from trail and insulted the pack in the read sense and NOT merely artificially. Let’s delve deeper into the most recent Lunchbox and Gherkin’ jerkin’.
For a first, we began this fiasco from Pono Hawaiian Kitchen and Tap. Initially, I thought this was a brilliant move on the hares’ part. A new venue and a nice one as well. In retrospect though, I now know this was merely a place most convenient for THEM and fit perfectly into the torture they had in store for the pack. We should have known chicanery was afoot from what was directly BENEATH our feet.
We chose to ignore this warning sign and blame it on piss poor planning on the part of the City of Capitola. Our bad.
This week heralded the return of Clearly Not A Hooker. She has been out and about but only blushed when asked what she did. Banana Basher attended as well telling more tall tales of his home remodel. Lies. Pleas for sympathy. Jersey Lunchbox brought Virgin Josh then promptly abandoned him to fend for himself amongst people he has never met before and to play a game he’s never played before. This is indicative of Lunchbox’s innate cruelty. Penis Is Good For Me attended from over-the-hill. He said his Hash was up in San Francisco and feared it would be frigid-cold so he opted for us. Too bad the clouds rolled in around 4PM and the temperature dropped fifteen degrees. Even more welcome was a rare quest appearance by old friend Cumfart Zone. She has recently undergone an operation that replaced components of her original superstructure. She hobbling now but will be HOPPING soon.
A mere fifteen minutes behind schedule the hare-pair delivered Instructions of Trail, their usual vague soliloquy, and outed themselves. More on this later. The next fifteen minutes pass as usual; finishing beers, settling tabs and fretting over potential problems on trail. A scene to make anyone nervous also transpired.
After the allotted lead time, co-GMs Cumz Out My nose and Broke Bench Mountain signaled for Circlup for Introductions which resulted in answering barks from: TIMMY!!, Clearly Not A Hooker, Cum You Will Not, Steamy Baanorrhea, Penis Is Good For Me, Pink Cherry Licker, dBASED, Occasional Rapist, Banana Basher, Virgin Josh, Cumfart Zone, Flours For Anal Bum, Dung-Fu Grip and Puff the Magic Drag Queen. Big canine contingency this week, Scratch and Sniff, Junk Puncher, Spot’d Dick and Merlissa. Pack out.
As mentioned earlier, the hares has outed towards 41st Avenue. However, a sharp-eyed Banana Basher and Penis Is Good For Me noticed them across the street in the parking lot for the laughingly named Capitola Mall. There’s little left inside that building as you probably know. Therefore, those lazy dogs amongst us, of which I loudly and proudly include myself, headed for the intersection of Capitola Road and Clares Street. Once onto Clares Street, true trail proceeded along behind the Mall. Along this section the short-cutters were joined by the true trail FRBs. Trail soon turned on-left through a locals-only hole-in-the-wall. Once through the wall, a lovely sight was beheld.
Trail left Boob Check along Axford Road and on-right onto Gross Road. In a move to prevent Gross Road from becoming a high speed bypass of 41st Avenue, the City installed a barricade to break it up. The hares put a check here….with absolutely no other possibility except to go around the barricade and continue. WTF?!?
One block later was an on-right onto Virgil Lane. Ignore the No Outlet sign, the hare-pair apparently did. Virgil curves on-right to a locals-only walkway transitioning onto Deanes Lane. A back check onto Albert Lane was solved by FRB Dung-Fu Grip. Trail continued on Deanes until making an on-left onto 40th Avenue. As trail reached Gross Road(again) and was directed on-left, we were ordered to Turn to the Right! dBASED, TIMMY!! and Puff turned to see whom was attempting this misdirection and observed a CHP vehicle, it’s occupant directing a wayward vehicle operator to pull to the side of the road. dBASED thought he was addressing us and took off like a bat out of Hades.
Gross Road(terrible name) makes an on-left ninety degree turn soon and proceeds past Churnside Lane.(another terrible name) The next on-right, Coffee Lane, was marked with a hare arrow pointing the pod along and at the end of the lane LC was observed. We bounded into Coffee Lane Park and found the hares with their typical offering of airline-sized bottles of liquor; vodka or Southern Comfort, name your poison. Here we witnessed a practical illustration of the old adage: I may have to grow OLD but I do not have to grow UP! TIMMY!! and Dung-Fu Grip jumped on the kids swings like they were adolescents again. (film in the Flash) Dung-Fu even gave the tire swing a go-go later too. After the hares’ lead time of ten minutes, the pack exited Coffee Park via a locals-only walkway to steps leading on-down to Catalina Drive. When Catalina ends, an arrow pointed on-left onto Axford Road(again) to a check at a locals-only dirt path. Check solved and it was on-right onto the dirt path which connects with 30th Avenue.
Soon a hare arrow led the litter on-right onto Leotar Circle. Had we a half-mind large enough to have read the street sign, we would have known it was REALLY Leotar Circle Jerk! Yep, we traveled through an apartment complex and came right back to 30th. We continued along 30th across Capitola Road and went all the way to the entrance to Brommer Street Park and there encountered the Turkey/Eagle split. The Eagle trail leads into the park, feels ominous, Scribe will Turkey trail it this night. Turkeys went to Brommer Street, on-right and rejoined the Eagles at the base of the steep hill coming on-down from the Park. Was the Eagle trail actually shorter than the Turkey?!? Here a hare arrow pointed the pod across Brommer. There we clambered on-up an escarpment to a large mesa which doubled as a jump track. And an extensive one it was, too! It had multiple jumps and hills of varying sizes and inclinations. It was more importantly Beer Check this night though. Here the clan coagulated around a selection of Hard Seltzer or PBR. These hares spare no expense when it comes to pleasing the pack. Dung-Fu Grip, possibly embarrassed by his swinging antics and infantile behavior at Liquor Check, slithered away from us and did not attend Religion. The most notable event here was Junk Puncher carousing with Scratch and Sniff and knocking Hooker to the ground! I checked, Merlissa was okay and the Hooker will heal. After completing our business here, it was on-in to the parking lot behind Chinese Village beside the start for Religion.
Once there, we noted the restaurant was still open. Banana Basher went in and asked if his ‘running club’ could rest in the parking lot for a few minutes. He was given permission for ten minutes, a time constraint we broke into fragments. Pink Cherry Licker assumed the reins of control and initiated Religion. Here’s a sampling of the down-downs issued this night: those that managed to trip and fall in the darkness of the jump track; Junk Punchers’ human handlers for letting him knock down Hooker; Visitors were welcomed; backsliders were punished; those that spied the hares doubling back at the start of trail; our two bionic women were recognized and Circle Gherkin’ celebrated an analversary. Oh. The hares. They were thanked for an nice starting point, a scenic Liquor Check location and an interesting place for Beer Check. Let’s just skip trail itself though. On-on-on was at Taqueria Vallarta on 41st Avenue. This Hash is over.
The preceding was a factual accounting of actual events though possibly not as they actually occurred. One should never allow the facts to stand in the way of a good story. Do not allow the profound to become the enemy of the interesting.
A Scribe’s sole purpose is to provide entertainment to their kennel mates. Whether or not they are successful in this endeavor remains a subject open to debate.
I chose not to complicate this Hash Trash with facts thereby allowing me to extract almost any end I desired. It was with this motive in mind I recounted the events that comprised Hash Twelve-39.
By Special Appointment of His Royal Majesty ‘G’, this Hash Trash has been compiled and printed by permission of no one other than the author at Santa Cruz, Ca., or elsewhere if need be, on this, the eighth day of April in the year of our Hash two-thousand-twenty-three.
Submitted with all respect due,
Magic Drag Queen
Surf City H3 Scribe