To J. J.’s Saloon and Social Club in beautiful downtown Soquel Village, California. This was undoubtedly the only part of this trail that ANYONE found beautiful.
We have come to expect, if not out-and-out demand, trails of tortuous terror and tedium from dBASED. Tonight he outdid himself…and almost outdid the PACK as well. Or is that did OUT the pack?
We were all comfortably ensconced at J. J.’s Saloon and Social Club on Soquel Drive in Soquel when dBASED strode in and immediately began singing the praises of his trail. While standard fare for him he said ‘special sections’ of this trail would exist as well. We have come to realize the word ‘special’ to dBASED does not carry the same connotations to HIM as it does to the rest of us. Special normally means memorable for pleasant reasons to normal people, however, to dBASED it is indicative of events that will make us wake up in the middle of the night firmly squeezing our teddy bear or possibly even screaming for our mommy.
It was with this goal in mind dBASED made his Instructions of Trail announcement. The most intriguing part of which was there would an Eagle only check. We seldom use that particular marking as Eagles are notoriously stupid and easily confused. Our hare, of course, did not care as HE knows where true trail would take the troops. The rest of his instructions were his usual pack of friggin’ lies. We also took note of the fact world traveler and co-hare Occasional Rapist was nowhere to be seen having outed herself ten minutes prior. Hare(s) out.
The majority of the pack spent the fifteen minute lead time settling bar tabs, retying shoes and ignoring the potential dangers that awaited them along trail. Banana Basher, Bacon Queef and Cumz Out My Nose took a different course of action however. They opted to decided how many more drinks they would down at J. J.’s prior to undertaking the dangerous crossing of Soquel Drive and clambering into Sir Froggy’s Pub. More on that later though, let’s tend to the important stuff right now.
With one minute of lead time remaining, co-GMs Cumz Out My Nose and Broke Bench Mountain pushed the pack through the portal and into a Circleup for Introductions configuration behind J. J.’s. The result of this was hearing from the following: Steamy Baanorrhea, Hareless, Banana Basher, Pink Cherry Licker, Bacon Queef, Flowers For Anal Bum, Clearly Not A Hooker, Circle Gherkin’, Rubik’s Pube, Cum You Will Not and Puff the Magic Drag Queen. We were joined at Beer Check by Dung-Fu Grip. Our canine contingency was at full strength with Scratch and Sniff, Junk Puncher(co-haring), Spot’d Dick and Swamp Rat. Pack out.
Trail went on-left on Soquel Drive, across Porter Street and on-right across Soquel Drive into the parking lot for Hope Church. This building began life as a movie theater and then morphed into the original location for Frenchy’s and is now a church. An intriguing metamorphosis I dare say! On-left through the parking lot and we began the on-up to Soquel High School. But wait! There’s an on-left arrow pointing the pod on-down towards a small stream. In and of itself that is not alarming, what IS unsettling is the poison oak that lines both side of the trail. This is unacceptable.
This trail, such as it is, brought the bevy to a check in the wilderness. Continuing ahead would take us into a beautiful field of grasses swaying in the gentle breeze. An on-left would make the merry members of this madness traipse along a deer trail of both questionable integrity as well as legality. Yes, you’re correct. On-left it was!
This narrow trail, frequently interrupted by encroaching poison oak and fallen trees, eventually forced the flock into a vast field and a gentle on-right beside some houses and through a field of bizarre plants. I was unable to ascertain if they HAVE bloomed or if they are READY to, they are that strange looking. Farther along we encountered the promised ‘Eagle Only’ check. The Turkeys were told to continue forward while the Eagles were given an on-left/on-right option. Circle Gherkin’ chose on-right and on-up a hill of immense proportions while Steamy Baanorrhea went on-left and on-up a hill of no less intimidating size. As your Scribe arrived, the on-on was faintly sounded by Steamy. The check was kicked and on-left and WAY on-up it was. Trail performed a slight on-right and continued until far above the valley below. There, in the distance, the sounds of swimming practice could be detected from Soquel High School. Those people sounded much happier that we Eagles.
Trail continued along the ridge line until Steamy encountered the back check mark. Not far back along trail was another trail yielding an steep on-down. The determination was it had to be true trail owing to the fact it was about the possibility that existed. As we plummeted downward, the Turkeys came into view at a check. The logical option was to continue in the direction the Turkeys had come from and it proved correct. However…..
As you can see to the on-right, poison oak, narrow, cluttered trails and huge hills were not the limit of our hare-pairs cruelty. Shoe-sucking mud was on their agenda as well. As a matter of fact, flowing water was actually included for a short section as well. Everyone survived though and eventually we exited this field of screams onto Hilltop Road. I call it Road only because that’s what the sign says. In actuality it’s little more than a wagon trail. This brought us to a ninety degree on-right to remain on Hilltop and to a check at Vista Drive. Again, poor Gherkin’ chose incorrectly continuing on Hilltop and was forced to backtrack when Steamy sounded on-on on-right onto Vista Drive. This continued until Vista ends at Ranchero Drive and an arrow pointed on-left. Ranchero ends at Valera Drive where it was on-right. This starts another section of trail.
Valera dumped the gang back into Anna Jean Cummings Park, colloquially called Blue Balls Park due to the…uh…big blue balls artwork in the park. We crossed directly across a soccer field more on instinct than marker as it’s very difficult to lay trail through tall grass. Once across the field we were directed across the parking lot and onto the grounds of Soquel High. There were people and vehicles on all sides as Thursday is apparently very popular for extracurricular sports here. Once to the driveway leading to the school, trail turned on-right and on-up onto school grounds. We went through another parking lot and then the litter was led into a large field with nothing more than one huge hare arrow for directions. Thankfully, everyone made directly across to a small dirt access road where another large hare arrow was visible. We did NOT, however, appreciate where it told hasher hounds to traipse.
Between the step on-down, the stinging nettles on-right and the PO on-left, there were many curses leveled at the hares as we negotiated this short-but-challenging section. Once through here, and that was compounded by having to jump a small stream, trail turned on-left and skirted the edge of a field before making a slight on-left and then soon coming back to a check we had encountered much earlier this evening. We utilized this section of trail again but soon were led on-right and across yet another stream and onto some private property. Why not, we’ve broken so many laws tonight anyway, what’s a few more?!? We crossed a yard and went on-left on-up a driveway and came to Soquel Drive. Here was another Turkey/Eagle split. Scribe did the first Eagle and, being no smarter now than then, made the on-right onto the second Eagle. This went but a short distance until turning on-right on-up into a mobile home park. This curved on-left and came back to Soquel where the DGK mark was observed. This was because we were directed to scurry across four lanes of Soquel Drive without benefit of a pedestrian signal. Dangerous!
Once across Soquel an on-left took us through Alimur Mobile Home Park. This place was constructed in 1960 and is not wearing it’s age very well nor are the trailers within. We wove a circuitous circuit through here and eventually descended on-down to Robertson Street where we rejoined the Turkeys. At West Walnut Street we were turned on-left and on-down to Porter Street, across and on-left. Just past Soquel Elementary School, one last hare arrow led the litter into Heart Of Soquel County Park. However, we were taken all the way through the park to exit onto Main Street and then on-right into Soquel Lions County Park for Beer Check…finally.
It was here an (extremely) late Dung-Fu Grip made an appearance. It was completely dark by now and he was without illumination. Many laughs were had over his hashing trail as he apparently crossed from Eagle to Turkey willy-nilly. More on this guy at Religion. After completion of Beer Check, Religion was our goal and back at Heart of Soquel Park.
Here Dung-Fu Grip assumed to role of RA. While this proved hilarious for US, it proved a challenge for HIM. He stated he may be stoned and/or drunk. When someone is incapable of deciding if they have fallen victim to either of those conditions, the obvious answer is that they are BOTH! So, what follows is a disjointed collection of the disjointed Religion conducted by a disjointed RA that had too MANY joints!
First on the chopping block was Dung-Fu himself who awarded himself a down-down for arriving so late to the Hash; Hooker again brought charges of animal cruelty against Junk Puncher who again assaulted her;(has he been neutered yet?!?) Broke Bench Mountain for grabbing two RIGHT shoes; those that opted to stay and drink rather than attempt trail; Steamy Baanorrhea for threatening violence against an innocent, harmless PO shoot overhanging trail; Broke Bench celebrated his 500th hash with us. The hares. Yes, the hares. They were thoroughly cursed for a number of acts of atrocity perpetrated upon the pack, all chronicled in this Trash. This Hash is over.
The preceding was a factual accounting of actual events though possibly not as they actually occurred. One should never allow the facts to stand in the way of a good story. Do not allow the profound to become the enemy of the interesting.
A Scribe’s sole purpose is to provide entertainment to their kennel mates. Whether or not they are successful in this endeavor remains a subject open to debate.
I chose not to complicate this Hash Trash with facts thereby allowing me to extract almost any end I desired. It was with this motive in mind I recounted the events that comprised Hash Twelve-40.
By Special Appointment of His Royal Majesty ‘G’, this Hash Trash has been compiled and printed by permission of no one other than the author at Santa Cruz, Ca., or elsewhere if need be, on this, the eighteenth day of April in the year of our Hash two-thousand twenty-three.
Submitted with all respect due,
Magic Drag Queen
Surf City H3 Scribe