Night of the Dead,
Dead on arrival trail. Let’s closely examine the facts relating to the harrowing hell Hooker humped us with.
Starting from Jose’s Taco Bar adjacent to Jose’s Cantina next door to the Palomar Restaurant was a brilliant move on Hooker’s part. Sadly, her brilliance came and went in this one fell swoop. Most people foolishly wasting their time reading this Trash are fans of at least two of these three venues if not all of them. So, as I said, this was a brilliant ploy on the part of our Hooker. No matter how often one of our incompetent hares pulls the ploy of a pleasurable starting point immediately followed by a shitty trail, it still never fails to place the pack in a happy mood and makes the merry members of this madness forget that what is to follow will be substantially less pleasing than where we are right now. Frequently pre-lube is more exciting that trail. Tonight was no exception to this maxim.
Less than a dozen intrepid hounds showed snout for this edition of the misadventures of the Hooker. That should have served warning to the fools that DID that this trail would soon go sadly awry. But, being the half-minds that we are…we stayed…and suffered the results of our idiocy.
Well past the announced time of 6:33, Hooker delivered Instructions of Trail. This was due, at least in part, to the fact SHE was not there at 6:33. For that brief moment in time, the pack saw a glimmer of hope on the horizon and began making plans to go directly to Religion which would allow for an exquisitely long on-on-on at Woodstock Pizza. Sadly, the hare showed though. Instructions touted the presence of a Liquor Check and some type of pagan altar where we were to place items from those that have joined The Great Circleup In The Sky. I do not know, nor do I wish to know, what manner of nefarious activity she intended to use those items for, I just made the decision I would not participate in such skullduggery. Hare away.
A part of the next fifteen minutes was watching the recently-arrived co-GMs consume an entire meal in just those fifteen minutes. Scratch and Sniff would have given them a high-five paw had he witnessed their voracious appetite. Just in time for Circleup, Broke Bench Mountain, with a mouthful of taco, told the troops to assemble outside. His action resulted in responding barks from: TIMMY!!, Pink Cherry Licker, Steamy Baanorrhea, International House of Pussy, dBASED, Occasional Rapist, Dung-Fu Grip, Circle Gherkin’ and Puff the Magic Drag Queen. Tonight’s canine contingency was on the slim side with only Junk Puncher and Scratch and Sniff in attendance. Pack out.
Trail took Frazier Lewis Lane to Front Street and on-left there to the evening’s first check at Cooper Street. This was soon solved and it was on-left to Pacific, on-right to Locust Street and on-left to Cedar Street. The check here proved problematic. It seem hounds continued on Locust but on the wrong side of the street and consequently missed the false markings on the OTHER side of Locust. Returning from Center Street after finding no other marks, Steamy found the false markings and everyone returned to Cedar and began the process again. Trail was eventually discovered on Cedar and took the mob to Mission Street. Once there, it was across Mission, on-right to North Pacific and on-left there. Most of we mongrels knew our fate; the Anthony stairs on-up to Mission Hill. And it was. And there was no rejoicing.
Once Mission Hill was crested it was along School Street. Upon seeing marker turn on-right onto to Emmett Street, wise short-cutters went directly through Mission Plaza Park as it was obvious our destination was the pedestrian bridge bridging Highway 1. On the High Street end of the over-crossing, a check send hounds scurrying on-up High but they soon returned empty-pawed and it was on-right onto the obscenely long-named Coral-Evergreen-High Cycleway. This is a densely dark section of macadam known most notably for it’s over-abundance of highwaymen. Miraculously, everyone escaped unscathed this night. At the bottom of the hill, it was on-left onto Evergreen Street followed by the anticipated on-left on-up into Evergreen Cemetery. Trail led the litter al the way to the top to Fawn Path where the Liquor Check was discretely hidden behind a marker. We then continued along to Fawn Path to Glory Path. Just off Glory Path on Oak Path some type of sacrificial structure was found where heathens, pagans or both, left sacrifices. We exited the area rather quickly.
Back on-down Glory Path we went and soon made an on-left, walked on someone’s grave(how rude!) and on-left again and exited the bone yard into Harvey West Park. Here we crossed the street and once past the cricket field(CRICKET?!?) turned on-right to Harvey West Boulevard and on-right. Soon though the pod was pointed on-left through the Costco gas station to Sylvania Avenue and on-left to Encinal Street. At Encinal it was on-right past the former Bocci’s Cellar(R.I.P.) to Highway 9 and directly across into the Tannery Arts Center and then on-right on the Tannery Arts cycleway and under Highway 1. That was another sketchy section of an already sketchy trail. Once on-up onto the levee, hounds breathed a sigh of relief. We continued along the levee until a huge flour arrow directed the horde of hounds to on-left and on-down to the banks of the river for Beer Check. NOW there was some rejoicing.
Upon completion of our business here it was on-in to Religion atop Sword Fighters parking garage on River Street. Once reassembled(what happened to Broke Bench Mountain and Cumz Out My Nose?!?) Pink Cherry Licker cranked up her Religion machine and issued the following down-downs. TIMMY!! who, thanks to a Hash Count error and subsequent correction, celebrated FOUR analversaries(!), dBASED for screwing-up the database resulting in TIMMY’s four analversaries; those that availed themselves of the multitude of opportunities along this trail to pee many times; backsliders were busted; the hare for a lousy liquor at Liquor Check; IHOP for getting lost and ending up walking almost the entirety of trail. Woodstock here we…Oh. That damned hare. Almost forgot her. Well, the pack agreed the Dia de los Muertos theme was well-served by visiting Evergreen Cemetery and the Beer Check in the riverbed was scenic, it’s just that everything in between sucked! This Hash is over. Off to Woodstock Pizza and playing trivia.
The preceding was a factual accounting of actual events though possibly not as they actually occurred. One should never allow the facts to stand in the way of a good story. Do not allow the profound to become the enemy of the interesting.
A Scribe’s sole purpose is to provide entertainment to their kennel mates. Whether or not they are successful in this endeavor remains a subject open to debate.
I chose not to complicate this Hash Trash with facts thereby allowing me to extract almost any end I desired. It was with this motive in mind I recounted the events that comprised Hash Twelve-73.
By Special Appointment of His Royal Majesty ‘G’, this Hash Trash has been compiled and printed by permission of no one other than the author at Santa Cruz, Ca., or elsewhere if need be, on this, the fifth day of November in the year of our Hash two-thousand twenty-three.
Submitted with all respect due,
Magic Drag Queen
Surf City H3 Scribe