This week our Hares Puff the Magic Drag Queen and Hugh Heifer made us fight hellish rush hour traffic to get to JJ’s Saloon and Social Club in Soquel.  After 45 minutes in the car, I REALLY needed a drink!  Aside from my usual Scribe duties, I kindly obliged Puff’s request to be Hash Cash and Flash.  I’m a Gemini, so I’m used to being twins, but being triplets is a bit challenging.  I thought to myself, “Damn, I’m my own threesome!”  Hashers were handing me money left and right, and I didn’t even have to work a stripper pole!  I’m bringing a garter next time.

Twat did you Say? brought Virgin Nancy with her and started sucking down 3 buck gin and tonics like they were a Kmart blue light special.  Occasional Rapist also appreciates a deal and joined the gin and tonic party. 

Cuff my Muff was proudly wearing the new fluorescent orange Hash Shit Vest.  She wasn’t embarrassed to wear it.  My guess is that she was either happy to have pockets to stash her mini bottles of Jack Daniels or she was trying to pick up sexy construction workers on Soquel Dr.  Goat Blower showed up after being a long time backslider.  The Hares were trying to be clever, so they left at 6:40 pm since it was Hash # 640.  TIMMY! wasn’t present, so dBASED assumed GA duties and did circle up behind the bar.  We had to wait for Virgin Nancy to get out of the bathroom before we could start introductions.  Hot Wheels brought his cousin Just Jason.  He was brave enough to come back after the tunnel of terror the week before.

The trail went across Porter St and took us right back to Soquel Drive, on the corner where the construction workers were.  We crossed the street and looked for flour in the parking lot but came up short.   We finally found trail and headed up Soquel San Jose Road.  No four in the direction of Soquel High School, so we crossed the street and wandered around a bit until we found a little bridge that crossed a creek.  We crossed Main Street and went past the weird house that is rumored to have exotic animals.  Trail lead us left on Soquel Drive for what seemed to be an endless amount of time.  Princess Diarrhea and I saw a sign for Jewel’s Party.  We were so thirsty that we would’ve been tempted to crash the party if it was still going on.  We turned left on Fairway and another left up this big ass hill, through some shiggy to the top of the hill where there was a cool view.   We ran into some neighbors who thought we were nuts for running up there.  They took one look and Broke Bench Mountain and Hairy Fuck 2.5 and didn’t believe we were a running group.  We continued to follow streets that kept leading us up more fucking hills. The road turned into trail again and we spotted the bum wine check.  It was nasty, cheap wine with a cork floating around in the bottle.  We ended up on Fairway in front of Camphill Community group home for the disabled.  No hashers reside there, as far as I know.  Beer check wasn’t far from there at Puff’s friends Joanne and Peter’s house.   Hashers must have made a great impression, because the last time a beer check was held there was 8 years ago!  It took a while for dBASED to show up, but he finally made it.  His trail was 5 ½ miles!  Word to the wise, NEVER follow dBASED!

Religion was on the street next to their house.  Accuprick was RA, and named Cuff my Muff his Beer Fairy.  The first down down was awarded to everybody wearing orange.  Cuff my Muff, and the cute couple wearing matching sweatshirts (dBASED and Occasional Rapist).  Hairy Fuck 2.5 and Broke Bench Mountain had a small amount of orange on, so they drank too. 

Dude, Where’s my Trail? was punished for wearing new shoes.  Let this be a lesson to us all!  His down down consisted of beer poured through a tea bag (my dirty running sock), into his shoe.  Makes me cringe to think about it.

He choked down some of it.  Cuff my Muff felt sorry for him and drank some too.

Whiskey drinkers, Cuff my Muff and Hairy Fuck 2.5 drank a down down together.  Backslider, Goat Blower serenaded us with a French song and showed her tits.  The teenagers sure got an eye full there!  She proclaimed that she will be singing in a brothel for a renaissance fair.  That should be a sight to see!  Virgin Nancy told a lame joke.   dBASED was punished for leaving flour in the front seat of Hugh Heifer’s truck.  Accuprick drank for being caught pissing on trail.  We thanked our hosts by giving them a down down and singing them a song telling them to go fuck themselves.  We won’t be invited back there for 10 years now!  And last but not least, the Hares…………………..  This was an A to B trail.  The only transportation available was Hugh Heifer’s truck.  Cuff my Muff, Thmp-Thmp and I were rebels and illegally rode back to the bar lying down in the back of the truck.  Last time I did that was when I was 16 years old.  What a blast!   Several hashers got their cars and went back to pick up the rest of the pack.

On On,

Shallow Hole

P.S.  Don’t forget next weekend is Wharf to Barf!  There will be 4 days of hashing debauchery starting with Thursday’s Pre-Lube hash #641 at Seabright Brewery.  I will be co-haring with newly named Cum Rash for her first haring experience.  See all you half minds there!

Ciao Hashers!  Waxi and I had a great in time vacationing in Italy, but we’re happy to be back home in Santa Cruz.  We drank wine every day for 3 weeks, so I was happy to find out this week, our Hare TIMMY!, was summoning the pack to Santa Cruz Mountain Brewery for some locally brewed organic beer!   It was a lovely night for a hash.  Most of the pack was too busy socializing to realize that the hare had left.  We know by now that his directions would’ve been useless.  Better not to pay attention.  There was a check by the railroad tracks on Swift St.  We knew we were doomed.  Instead of the flat and easy ocean side, we were headed towards the hills.  The trail went across Highway 1 into Wilder Ranch on the Moore Creek Trail.  We climbed a big hill, but were treated to a lovely ocean view from up there.  The trail continued and went to the right.  There was some poison oak and a fence to climb through.  Wildlife was spotted on trail.  There were sightings of deer, coyote, bobcat, Dog Breath, and maybe a unicorn, depending on who you ask.  Luckily, no hashers were harmed.  We ended up on Meder St, walked past a Jewish Cemetery, and then went through a park, to Noble Dr.  Right about now, we were all really thirsty and hoping beer check was somewhere soon.  After walking down a steep hill on Miramar, we saw the glorious beer near mark heading straight to TIMMY’s house.  We were served beer, ribs and martinis.  Yum!  I feel sorry for the hashers that didn’t do trail and missed beer check.

Religion was near the start next to the railroad tracks.  Accuprick was RA.  He appointed Great Barrier Queef as his Beer Fairy.  The first down downs were awarded to hashers that did not do trail.  Pussy Galore, Great Barrier Queef, My Little Bony, and Twat did you Say?  Banana Basher took off and did not receive his down down.  Twat did you Say? was all decked out in a sexy red dress.  She denied rumors of being a porn star and said she came from the graduation ceremony at the school she teaches at.  Vegetarians, Hugh Heifer and Puff the Magic Drag Queen were called up for not eating the ribs.  Luckily martinis are vegan!  They told an interesting story of how Hugh got too drunk at last week’s hash and had to crash at Puff’s house.  She slept in his bed and then stole his chair to take to the Full Moon Hash Campout last weekend.  Nice!  After some negotiation, the chair was returned in one piece.  Brokebench Mountain was punished for acting up on trail.  dBASED was ridiculed for writing the times he arrived at every check.  Evidently a Long Beach Hash tradition that no one else heard about until now.  And last but not least, the Hare, TIMMY!

Don’t forget Wharf to Barf weekend is July 20-22.  Details to follow……….

P.S.  Congratulations to Occasional Rapist and dBASED on their engagement!  Some people find poison oak on trail, some hashers are lucky enough to find love.  May your beer mugs be overfilled with happiness and your trail through life be shiggy free!

On On,

Shallow Hole

Self-Proclaimed “Hare-Pair of the Century”, TIMMY and Puff the Magic Drag Queen, summoned the pack to Britannia Arms in Aptos for this week’s hash.  In their direct solicitation for votes for the Trail of the Year Award, they pulled out all the stops.  We were promised a longer than usual A to B (to A again) trail, free food, free beer and free transportation back to the start.   It was a lovely warm and sunny evening.  No fog in sight.  A sizable group showed up.  The Hares arrived dressed in matching kilts.  I don’t think anyone else got the memo about the dress code.   I had foolishly agreed to be Hash Cash, Flash AND Trash for the evening.   Does Puff REALLY think I’m THAT trustworthy?  LOL.  Despite rumors, I did not volunteer to relieve him of his hash cash and flash duties next year.  How could anyone replace Puff?

Shortly after the hares left, Just Rosie strolled in the bar with 3 virgins!  The pack was delighted to meet Virgin Gabriella, Virgin Kristina, and Virgin Tony.  They probably had no idea of what they were getting themselves into.  As the fear of a “longer than usual trail” set in, several non-runners, conspired to do their own chicken trail.  The rest of us were up for the challenge.  After all, how difficult could it be with 2 old guys in skirts setting trail?  We started out going through Aptos neighborhoods and headed toward the railroad tracks.  Just Shane found a swing, and took a little rest stop.  Just Rosie kept a watchful eye on her Virgins.  We followed the railroad tracks until the flour lead us to a path through a field where we were treated to a bottle of Korean rice wine.  Next, we went through New Brighton State Beach campground.  By then we were getting pretty thirsty.  The BBQ from a near by campsite smelled pretty good too.    No one invited us to dinner though.  Deep Stroke stopped to play a little hop scotch.  Next, we went down the path to the beach, through the parking lot and back up to Park Ave in Capitola.  Despite hearing hashers yelling “on on”, Just Shane decided to go the opposite direction.  He finally figured out that there was no flour that way, turned around and came back down the hill and followed the rest of the pack.  Next, we came upon a particularly tricky check next to a mud bog.  Did the hares want to encourage mud wrestling?  Dog Breath said he checked all 4 directions but couldn’t find trail.  He forgot to check by the apartment buildings where flour was spotted on a small trail through the woods.  We headed left towards the ocean in the direction of Capitola Village.  The sunset view was gorgeous!  Beer Near was at the top of the steps, we proceeded down the steps to Britannia Arms, where we spotted our non-runner contingent and the hares with ample pitchers and appetizers for all.  Virgin Gabriella was so hungry; she grabbed some food from a non-hasher’s table!

Finally, DFL’s Occasional Rapist, Nipple Butt (who is now nipple-less since he had his nipples removed), Hugh Heifer and Wicked Retahted.  Wicked Retahted was really pissed off that the trail was so long.  He stormed off and did not return. Hope he got a cab!  The hares brought a big cargo van to transport everyone back in.  Unruley hashers piled in the back like a paddy wagon, and we all got back to Aptos alive.

Religion was held on the railroad tracks in back of the Britt.  There were a few homeless folks who got a good show.  My Little Bony was RA and appointed our Vixen Just Rosie as his Beer Fairy.  Just Rosie kept stripping off layers of clothing and was down to her shorts and tank top.  A few male hashers could not resist slapping her butt.  She seems like the type who wouldn’t mind a good spanking.  The auto-hashers, My Little Bony, Banana Basher and Waxi Pad were punished with a down down.  We had a naming this week.  It wasn’t long before Just Shane was named, and forever be known as:  Dude, Where’s my Trail?  Next, the virgins were called to the alter.  Just Tony did a lame salsa dance.  Virgin Gabriella showed her butt and Virgin Kristina was too embarrassed to do anything.  We did have an injury.  There was some blood on trail.  dBASED knocked over a beer glass, cut his finger and blamed it on his son Hot Wheels.  Hot Wheels was congratulated on his 225^th Surf City Hash.  And he’s not even 16 yet!  Deep Stroke was called up for wearing a shirt advertising her Personal Training services.  She confirmed that Banana Basher is indeed a hopeless case and the only exercise he is destined to do is lift his beer glass.   And last but not least, The Hares!  According to Just Rosie, anyone who thinks this trail was too long, is a pussy!   Thanks TIMMY and Puff!  I had fun.  Great trail or death march.  You decide.

On On,

Shallow Hole

PS.  Don’t forget that Thursday May 3^rd will be our Anal Red Dress Run!

Hares:  Hugh Heifer, Occasional Rapist and Shallow Hole

Meet at 6:30 pm at The Rush Inn, 113 Knight St., Santa Cruz

Just $10.  Price Includes Pasta, Pizza Beer.

All Proceeds to Benefit WomenCARE.  An organization that provides free support services to women with all types of cancer.

This week our Hares Occasional Rapist and Wicked Retahted, summoned the pack to Castaways for a hash through their Pleasure Point hood.  I wish I could say it was a pleasure, but I cannot.  It was the first haring venture for Wicked Retahted, and who best to teach him but his friend, and “hash sponsor” Occasional Rapist.  They took us through a poison oak lined ditch, Moron Lake and got us lost on East Cliff Drive.   To further confuse things, dBASED, armed with green chalk, added his own markings to trail.  I guess if you’re going to be lost, the beach is not a bad place to be lost.  Right?  Beer check was finally found at Occasional Rapist’s house.   Some of the pack gave up and missed beer check and went straight to Religion.  We had a family of hashers, Jizz Bollah, Cum & Go and Son Oliver crash beer check.  Not sure how they found us.  Apparently they haven’t hashed in a while, but can still sniff out the beer.

Religion was at Wicked Retahted’s house.   Accuprick was RA, and Hugh Heifer was Beer Fairy.  Broke Bench Mountain and Accuprick started a bon fire in Wicked Retahted’s yard, so it was warm and cozy when the rest of the hashers arrived.   We were introduced to visitors Just Jordan from Houston, TX and Just Gregg from Portland, OR.  They work together and were in CA on business.   They said they drove all the way from Pleasanton to seek out Surf City H3.  They were looking for a non-athletic H3 group that wouldn’t make them run 5 miles.  Guess we have a reputation.  LOL.  Just Gregg told a lame joke.  The pack was delighted when Just Jordan flashed her tits.  A family of back sliders were called up, Mother’s Little Felcher, Sausage Slam and 9 month old daughter virgin Brooke.   Broke Bench Mountain celebrated his 175^th Surf City Hash by climbing up on Wicked Retahted’s garage roof.  Thankfully he did not jump!   dBASED was punished for screwing up trail with his green chalk marks.  Occasional Rapist and Wicked Retahted drank too.   It was pointed out that Occasional Rapist and dBASED were dressed alike.  How cute!  Cuff my Muff, Banana Basher, and My Little Bony were punished for driving from the bar straight to Religion (in a Prius).  Twat did you Say taught the pack the sign for vagina and told us how she is going to take a group of deaf high school kids on a trip to Washington, DC.   Wicked Retahted was awarded an experienced hare patch.   There was some singing and dancing around the fire.  To my knowledge, we did not burn down the neighborhood.  And last but not least, the Hares………….

Every year, around April Fools Day, Surf City holds its Anal Lampshade Hash.  This year, our Hares were the half-mind team of Hairy Fuck 2.5 and “virgin Hares” Thmp-Thmp and Princess Diarrhea.  The pack gathered at the Rush Inn, for an evening of unbridled lunacy in Downtown Santa Cruz.  Gotta give it to Hashers.  They really know how to let their freak flag fly, by decorating their lampshades in their own unique style.  Hugh Heifer showed up in a very creative cow themed lampshade.  Choka-Cola and Hairy Potter, in celebration of their upcoming wedding, came sporting cute bride and groom lampshades.  Hairy Fuck 2.5 and Cumz out my Nose had beer themed lampshades.  Accuprick and Puff the Magic Drag Queen had matching gold lampshades.  Great Barrier Queef had a cool shade that included a tiara and fuzzy animals.  Broken Shaft made a Mega Millions lottery lampshade.  Swiss Army Cock strapped a lampshade to his combat helmet.  Twat did you say?  Taped some dum-dum lollypops to her shade.  Deep Stroke had the silly idea to put a light inside her little green cap from St Patty’s Day and call it a lampshade.

Hashers circled up in back of the Rush Inn, then meandered out to Water St, turned right onto Ocean St, through the Court House parking lot into San Lorenzo Park.   Of course there was the official picture stop in front of Riverside Lighting.  There was a fence to climb through a church parking lot.  From there, the trail went back toward downtown, where hashers paraded down Pacific Ave and had to stop for a song check.  As a final act of insanity, hashers took a short cut through Bookshop Santa Cruz to Religion on top of the River St Parking Garage.  The sword fighters were there of course, and sensing this was a night to be crazy, they were all dressed up in their Renaissance Fair Knight regalia.

Accuprick was RA and appointed Great Barrier Queef his Beer Fairy.  Down Downs were awarded to the non-runners, Great Barrier Queef and Cumz out my Nose.  Accuprick brought up Wicked Retahted for not understanding Boston terminology.  He thought having a “pissah” of a night, meant that he had to take a piss.  Just Shane was recognized for having beer socks.   Just Rosie was welcomed to her second Surf City hash sporting her riding club jacket from Texas.  Just as the Best Lampshade award was in progress of being decided, our little party was cut short by the arrival of the Santa Cruz police!  So much for keeping Santa Cruz Weird.  Evidently someone did not get the joke and called the cops.  We must look like a scary bunch of derelicts, because they sent 4 cop cars!    Guess the April Fool’s joke was on us!  Note that the cops were more interested in our consumption of alcohol than the idiots across the parking lot with actual weapons fighting each other!  Anyway, no one got arrested, and we all went our merry ways to live and drink another day.

On On,

Shallow Hole