Hash Trash #950 Curtesy’s New Digs

January 30, 2018Uncategorizedcfzone

Hash Trash #950

Burrito Aficionado Courtesy Flush and his lovely sidekick Bareback Unicrack reluctantly stepped up to the plate and offered to hare this weeks hash. Apparently Courtesy recently relocated his abode and has been scouting out all the scummy areas adjacent to the county jail, courthouse and levy…A shocking change from the laid back surfer dude vibe of pleasure point. Now he has to sharpen his martial arts skills and his navy seal survival knife.

Trail started at Callahans-whereby Timmy promptly and drunkenly left his credit card at the bar and the bartender had to frantically track him down just as we were circling up. Luckily Pinky was paying attention and was able to reunite the credit card with its rightful owner….her drunk Dad! ( Puff made me write this)

For once in the history of SurfCityH3 we were promised a short 2 mile trail for turkeys….and a slightly longer trail for Eagles….and miraculously the mileage matched. Although the trail was relatively short it was not without its trials and tribulations. And speaking of trials, CumFartZone decided it would be nice to stop and chat with the Santa Cruz County Courthouse security guards and tell them all about our running group. She had been following Puff, who took off in the direction of the Courthouse garage in an attempt to shortcut. The imposing guards informed us that the garage was off limits. While CFZ was regaling the guards with too much information the rest of the pack stealthily managed to skirt around the perceived danger zone.

On our way once again we ran into trouble…..Just Foot Pussy encountered a posse of teenagers, posing as security guards for their PRIVATE apartment complex. They and the on site manager were none to happy to have us hooligans running around on private property. This is becoming the theme of the night.

And we thought Santa Cruz was so friendly……….NOT!

The numerous package checks were awfully friendly though and JFP and Fap jack took full advantage of them – showing their romantic side by making sure their partners got an eyeful. Fap showed off his aerobatic pissing skills which totally enthralled JFP who looked on in disbelief at the high arching and long lasting stream. This group is SO easily amused.

Thump, despite numerous warnings about the violent hobos lurking in the bushes, takes off in a completely different direction from the rest of the pack. Trying to be clever by going off on his own he totally misjudged where the trail was headed and ended up on the WRONG levy waving frantically for his safety buddy….the HARE! We call this a DICK MOVE. We also call this Stupid, Idiotic, Moronic and just plain dumb. I think Thump learned his lesson and won’t go near any more “scary hobos” all alone and unarmed.

The Eagles apparently had their own trail fraught with more scary hobos under the bridge and a missing liquor check. Baker’s Doezen’t calmly strode back into the underworld to save the hootch. He proudly displayed it back at Religion and we are going to get him the Good Samaritan patch. He is great at rescuing lost people, cats from tall trees and condoms that end up in dark sweaty tunnels.

Beer Check and Religion were held at Curtesy’s new crash pad. It was hip, modern, functional and smelled like fresh baked cookies. What a nice touch. He is the hostess with the Mostess….along with OCD Bareback Unicrack who carefully organized all the beer cans in the frig.

If you didn’t want beer they also served hot chocolate and some fancy, expensive beer in a huge bottle. We loved the cool lights and all the nice decorating touches, especially the nifty eye glass organizational system.

Pinky was our RA for the night and started us off with “A Prayer”….and a song.

Unicrack scored a patch for 50 hashes, and Just Tia and Curtesy got called up for being racists. They should know better but they wanted to show off instead.

Pinky passed along the HashShit to Curtesy….who can use it on his daily morning runs to fend off the scary hobos!

All in all it was a delightful evening and some of the pack trudged to the Santa Cruz Diner for some real grub.

On On On,
CumFartZone

Hash Trash #949 3rd ANAL GLOW Hash

January 26, 2018Uncategorizedcfzone

The hares promised we would see the light and we did! A motley crew showed up flashing, beaming and blinking despite the rain showers that chased us around all night. It was actually refreshing to be out and about…especially for me…. just back from the brink of a recent hell called “Influenza B.” Puff chided me for being derelict in my scribing duties and running off the Florida….all true….however I spent 5 miserable days and night hacking up a lung and breaking some ribs all while battling a high fever. So much for my spur of the moment little vacay.

Anyways back to the Santa Cruz Hash…..the much touted glow hash that Pinky pretty much demanded that we attend all adorned in our finest LED creations. She was so adamant that we all order our goodies at least a year in advance that she threatened to ban us if we did not comply.

Thankfully all of us heeded the warnings and the group set off from the Blue Lounge adorned in their twinkling attire. They marched down Pacific Av to raised eyebrows, raised beers and a few hefty tokes on that blunt.

As usual there were a few crazy checks and YBF’s. As usual we marched up and down the railroad tracks. And as usual we encountered a few homeless folks who were intrigued by our outfits.

After trudging through the rain soaked streets of santa cruz and up some very steep stairs we finally found beer check, a welcome reprieve after 3 and a half soggy miles. Electric labia land and her new hubby Butt Plug welcomed us into their brightly festooned garage. Butt Plug was frantically trying to trick out his helmet with extra lights so that he would avoid a down down at Religion for not following the dress code.

After beer check some of the pack were lured to yet another Liquor check a mile away just so they could score a lighted shot glass. The rest of the smart ones decided to shortcut to the parking garage knowing that we would be given the nifty prize anyways.

At Religion the hares admitted to using the MLK holiday to scout trail….which is the code word for any excuse to drink.

Puff had an unfortunate run in with a stop sign. He usually has run ins with the law but this time it was merely a sign. Maybe a sign from above to stop running around town in those dated OP shorts!

Dbased actually followed trail for a change….saying he had faith in the markings on trail. Did somebody lace his beverage?

FapJack celebrated a mere 200 runs….way to go and go and go.

Pinky conveniently forgot the hashshit AGAIN….maybe she has gopher scratch fever.

Just Tia, a newbie, decided to try us out for a second time. Guess we are not really that scary after all.

We profusely thanked our hares, Pinky, Fap and Bakers, as well as our beer meisters for the lovely evening.

Thanks to everyone who came out on a drizzly evening and turned it into another fun adventure.

On On On,
CumFartZone

Trail 947. Too long? Shortcut, follow dBASED

January 13, 2018SCH3 TrashPuff

Hello voyeurs,

As if pretending to be a Hash Flash is an insufficient display of devotion to the Hash, our illustrious GM has decided I should fill in for CumFart Zone as Scribe because she’s out of town. She’s also out of her little half-mind but that’s a non-sequitur I guess. So, not only do I have to pull double duty this week, but I’ve been assigned the task of recapping a trail that everyone that hashed it would rather forget. I’d like to forget the two half-mind hares, Shallow Hole and Fap Jack, as well but they keep popping up in my nightmares like two zombies that refuse to die. Be that as it may…..

Trail began innocuous enough, even pleasantly one may say as we started from recently-opened Santa Adairius on Water Street. This was our first time there and it is a great venue. I just hope I am able to forget what happened after we left here so that my next visit here will not induce an unpleasant flashback to this terrible trail.

After disposing of the hare-pair and all the beer we could swill in the time allotted us, the following hounds circled-up in the parking lot formerly home to the Staff of Life grocery store: Pink Cherry Licker,(more about her later) TIMMY!!, Baker’s Dozen’t, Accuprick, Jizziki,(more on him later) Thmp-Thmp, Princess Di(arrhea), CuntJungle,( a ditty from her later), Dog Breath,(story on him too) Cum You Will Not,(she’ll give us a chuckle too) Cold Smegma Kamakaze(a laughing stock later) dBASED(up to his usual tricks,stay tuned) Testecoil, Just Foot Pussy(late comer) Bacon Queef,(responsibility for a tragedy) and (reluctant) interim Scribe Puff the Magic Drag Queen.

Trail went behind the old Staff of Life building and came to Poplar Street for our first check. Trail was located crossing Water and Soquel, going through the parking lot at the current Staff of Life and down Darwin to a check at Gault Street. The pack then plodded down the locals-only walkway beside the library(that’s an anachronism where books are kept and predates computers) and across Hanover. The next check was discovered at Broadway where, after an unacceptably long distance, trail was discovered on-left on Broadway to another check at Fredrick Street. Here the pack scattered like a billiard ball break and went every which-away. Hound headed towards Fredrick Street park and a few towards Arana Gulch. These losers soon returned upon hearing the on-on on-left on Fredrick and we were not allowed to rest again until reaching Soquel Avenue. We’ve already reached the one mile mark and the hares show no signs whatsoever of allowing us to quench our growing thirst.

We were forced across busy Soquel onto San Juan Avenue. After this point, trail became somewhat convoluted so my memory of it is feeble at best but feeble also echoes trail quality so the exact details are unimportant. We went on-right on Melrose and on-left on Marnell, I think. We hacked along Marnell for an obscene distance and then on-left onto Roxas and one block later an on-left put us back on San Juan Avenue. San Juan was no more fun the second time than it was the first and, as a matter of fact it was even more boring this time. A block later we found ourselves at the intersection with Morrissey

We crossed busy Morrissey and were directed on-left back towards Santa Adairius. Finally! We’re heading for Beer Check and none to soon either I dare say. Oops! I spoke too soon. A few blocks down Morrissey, a hare arrow pointed the pod on-right onto Hammond followed by an on-right onto Poplar Street just a few blocks from where we viewed the very first check of this trail on-so-many miles ago. We’ve just passed the two mile mark and are STILL heading away from home. This does not bode well. An on-right onto Poplar and we traversed it’s entire length till it ends at Fairmount. Here an on-left was indicated which brought us to a check at Branciforte Avenue.

It was here your (unwilling) replacement Scribe decided to throw the towel in and head home. And so I did. Consequently, from this point forward I will concoct (AKA ‘lie’) as to what transpired on the remainder of this trail.

Trail led the litter on-right on Branciforte and over Highway 1, on-right onto Goss, on-right at the first intersection, Gilbert, and when Gilbert comes to an end one block later, the mob made the necessary on-left onto Rooney Street and proceeded to the abode of co-hare Fap Jack and his lovely wife Pink Cherry Licker.

Now this is where things begin to get good. Number one, Puff is home by this time drinking a beer and cursing our hare-pair. Number two, dBASED’s innate half-mindedness takes over and, worse yet, he plays Pied Pipe of Fools to a number of the pack. Here’s the gory details. Co-hare Fap Jack had announced Religion would be near the start. At some point post-announcement, the site for Religion was moved. To aid an already befuddled bevy, the hares laid trail from Beer Check to Religion which was to be held in the murky triad of churches between Elk Street and Pacheco Avenue where the Quakers, Church of Christ and the Mormons convene. However….

dBASED, ‘knowing’ where Religion would be better than our hares, chose to ignore the trail markings they’d kindly placed and decided to ‘shortcut’ back to Santa Adairius. With him he took half-minds Jizziki, Cum you Will Not, Cold Smegma Kamikaze and CuntJungle. Once back to Sana Adairius and finding no other hashers, a frantic phone call revealed their foolishness. They then drove to Religion, with the exception of Jizziki and Cum You Will Not whom obviously were embarrassed by their disobeying the club directive: Never follow dBASED!, placed their tails betwixt their hind legs and shagged their arses home skipping Religion.

Back to Puff. I have now finished my beer and called TIMMY!!. TIMMY!! told me where Religion was and to go back to Santa Adairius and someone would retrieve me. I thank Thmp-Thmp for doing so and delivering me to Religion.

Now that dBASED and the prodigal hounds have arrived, it’s time for Religion.

Just Foot Pussy was busted for being a non-runner. Now we have to deal with Pink Cherry Licker and her wino sidekick, Bacon Queef. Seems that as trail passed within a block of Bacon Queef’s home, she and Pink Cherry Licker ambled on-in for a Gorilla Wine Check. Worse yet, it seems PCL became ‘forgetful’ (Read: Tipsy!) and abandoned our hashit at BQ’s abode. On the upside, this serious lapse in judgement made the awarding of the hashit a cinch this week. Accuprick was treated to a rousing chorus of Happy Birthday as he has made it to 65. He doesn’t look a day over 70 either, does he? Cold Smegma Kamikaze was invited to visit with the RA. At one of the checks, he wrote OnOne in big letters. That’s nice of him but there were two glaring deficiencies present. One, he neglected to indicate which direction this valuable piece of information led him and two, worse yet, he was too frggin’ lazy to come back to the check and kick it once solved. Dog Breath, noticing Puff’s absence at Beer Check, thought the Alzheimer’s had kicked in and I was lost on trail so he went back looking for me. Hint: when someone is lost, you will NOT find them on trail. In what was the only good piece of information we received this night, CuntJungle has announced her departure from amongst us is taking place next month. I would request dBASED immediately move her Hash Count to the page for those that have not hashed with us in a year so that I will not have to see her picture when I make my weekly perusal of the Hash Count. On-on-on was…oh, wait. I almost forgot the accursed hares. Shallow Hole and Fap Jack were roundly condemned. They should have been hanged but there was no tree nearby. Okay, back to where I was before being interrupted by the hares. On-on-on was convened at Taqueria Santa Cruz across from the Double-Oh-Seven, a place a few hashers may have gone as well. This signals an end to Trail 947 and, hopefully, to the haring aspirations of Shallow Hole and Fap Jack.

By Special appointment of His Royal Majesty “G”, this Hash Trash has been compiled and printed by permission of no one other than the author at Santa Cruz, Ca., or elsewhere if need be, on this, the thirteenth day of January in the year of our Hash two thousand and eighteen.

On-out,

Puff

the

Magic Drag Queen

Acting Scribe,

Surf City H3

Hash # 945 Xmas Hash and Tacky Gift Exchange with FHAC-U on 12/21/17

January 8, 2018SCH3 Trashshallowhole

Tis the season for the Anal Xmas and Tacky Gift Exchange Hash with FHAC-U. Worm opened up his house to host this hash for the umpteenth year in a row! We did not see his wife, who was reportedly hiding out somewhere in the house. There was a big turn out for the event. I counted 15 Surf City hashers who made the trek over the hill to Los Gatos. Pink Cherry Licker drove a bunch of them over in her van. There was plenty of food and drink to keep everyone jolly. Puff was a big hit with the canine residents of the house who got a whiff of the treats in his bag, and then wouldn’t leave his side.

Worm and Drink n’ Squirt were the Hares. It was a clear, but brisk night in the 40’s and only a handful of hashers actually did trail, including myself, dBASED, Achy Breaky Snatch, Courtesy Flush and Puff. The rest of the pack ate and drank at the house.

945blackwatch

The first part of trail was a roughly 2 mile loop around Worm’s hilly neighborhood and back to his house. We got to warm up for a bit and enjoy a cocktail before heading back out into the cold night. The second part of trail was a short jaunt to downtown Los Gatos to the Black Watch bar for kamikaze shots. Downtown Los Gatos was pretty festive with some nice light displays. However, the most colorful characters of the night were the hashers. The locals were quite entertained at the freak show parade. We stopped a 2 more bars before heading back to the house. I got 4.59 miles total.

The tacky gift exchange did not disappoint! Someone got a bag of rocks, someone got a bunch of condoms, Achy Breaky Snatch got a freaky “love kit”. But the best gift of the night had to go to Pink Cherry Licker! She chose the biggest box and got a LOG! Yes, a real log. Hope they have a fireplace!

It was a fun night! A great time was had by all! Thanks to Worm for hosting!

And last but not least, the Hares, for a shitty trail!

On On,

Shallow Hole

Hash Trash #944 Picture Perfect

January 2, 2018Uncategorizedcfzone

This was the annual holiday time “Picture Hash” that our slightly obsessed hare, DBased, dreams about all year long. Instead of visions of sugarplums dancing in his head, he has visions of lost and befuddled hashers flipping him off. Not much difference between dream time and reality time.

Yes, DBased planned this thing a year in advance…..mainly because he may have fucked it up last year and he had to redeem himself. He was almost giddy to gather the festive fools to follow his endless circle jerks and backtracks. He grinned ear to ear at each stop, coaxing us on with his impromptu side kick….Vaginal Repair Kit…. who was fresh out of the operating room for his back surgery…but somehow in his anesthesia fog he forget to change out of his hospital gown. It was a bit breezy for him as the night air was fresh and crisp and some of us got more than we bargained for as he gleefully showed off his scar!

We marched up and down Park Av and Soquel Av and finally trudged up to a sweet little park for Beer Check. The kids had a chance to play on the train and have their picture taken. Then we trudged back to Occasional and Dbased home for some tasty snacks and more libations.

Religion was held on the back patio around the fire pit.

We started off with Cum You will Not celebrating 50 hashes and thus she became the evenings beer fairy…although she looked more like a deer in the headlights. Guess this really was her first rodeo.

She shouldn’t quit her day job to become a bartender. Our beloved RA, Accuprick, kept barking orders at her and had her head spinning faster than that chick in the Exorcist. At least she didn’t spew!!

Just Michael came back for more abuse and Virgin Lori sang us a crappy song but it was “cripple girl” aka Pinky who stole the show. She was found face down on the pavement, trying desperately to activate her Life Alert button. Instead she had to rely on the HashShit to get her to her feet. Thankfully it had just been passed along from father Timmy!!! to daughter. It came in handy as a crutch and a necessary walking stick.

New Kids On My Cock had been missing in action and finally got bailed out from the rehab center. As a reminder “rehab is for quitters”. Achy Breaky also took a much needed break from her grueling race schedule and made a cameo. She has been missed.

As part of the evening’s festivities we had a costume contest, sponsored by the lovely and alluring Princess Di.

The prize for most flammable went to Ms Tinsel Tits who may also be known as Responsive Asshole, if I got the name correct. Apparently she too has been missing in action….for about a dozen years or so.

Most creative holiday sweater went to Cums You Will Not.

Most rash inducing went to Steamy B and Baker’s Dozen’t was also a big winner with the official UGLIEST SWEATER….wear that sash with pride, sugar lips.

Our hares, DBased and Occasional Rapist were applauded for their annual holiday gathering and general good cheer ambassadors.

Stub Rub and Summer’s yeast were headed to the land down under. A great way to lose a whole 24 hours without the hangover and blackouts. I am sure that they will return with some silly accents and that annoying “G’Day”crap.

The rest of us revealed in the impending stress of holidays and wished each other well for the New Year.

Get your resolutions ready.

No hashing = No Fun.

Know hashing = Know FUN!!

On On On

CumFartZone

Hash Trash #943: Toys for Tots Hash on 12/7/17

December 30, 2017SCH3 Trashshallowhole

Hash # 943- Anal Toys for Tots Hash on 12/7/17: Will drink for the children’s sake!

Hashers have few redeeming qualities, but once a year, they will cum out in droves to drink beer on a chilly night to collect toys for needy children. Instead of 8 bucks, hashers needed to bring a toy to donate. I remember Banana Basher telling us years ago that doing charity events makes the hash more socially acceptable in the community. Ha ha! We tried to tell that to the cops one year and they told us “We should be ashamed of ourselves for collecting toys for charity while drinking alcohol!” Our Hares were Stub Rub and Steamy Baanorrhea. We gathered at JJ’s saloon in Soquel dressed in festive holiday attire. Summer’s Yeast has a Toys for Tots collection box at her salon. We were allowed inside the salon briefly to drop off the toys, but were ushered out quickly so we didn’t destroy anything. I guess she’s learned her lesson from previous years.

Trail was a death march. Not! It was a whopping 2.23 miles according to my GPS. We had a short shiggy section down a steep ravine and had to climb up the other side. We passed through the Soquel High School grounds through the trails. There was a liquor check. It was a jug with some kind of white stuff in it, that tasted surprisingly not so bad. We ended up going down the slide through Blue Balls Park and ended up at beer check at Lion’s Park on Main Street.

Religion was in back of JJ’s. Accuprick was RA. Deadliest Snatch was Beer Fairy. Princess Diarrhea, Wicked Retahted, Rat Pussy and My Little Bony got called out for not doing trail. There were a couple Analversaries. Summer’s Yeast celebrated her 50th and Baker’s Dozen’t celebrated his 75th Surf City hash! Get a life! A bunch of hashers drank for not carrying a bottle opener. Hashers always need to be prepared folks! Pussy Galore drank for being a back slider. She’s been hanging out in Bangkok these days. Testicoil brought a goat’s foot with him. Not sure why. Said he bought it at a flea market and his wife chases him around the house with it. Nice foreplay. Must turn him on since they are expecting. Timmy got called out for not bringing the hash shit with him. Give him a break. He has dementia. And last but not least, the Hares……………..

Once again, S H I- T T Y- T-R-A-I-L!