It is often said history repeats itself and so I feel the desire the recant the events of exactly 11 years previous to this years hash. That would be 12/8/2005. I checked the historical records (archive.org) and believe I have my date correct. On this night it presented the unique combination of rain, hashing downtown and Snow Night (now called WinterFest), the same as we have this week. As you might guess, religion was held at the Soquel/Front parking garage – just as is scheduled this week. Due to inclement weather, the collective decided to have religion one level down and avoid being wet. This resulted in a large volume of sound being generated. Because it was Snow Night and there were many families to hear it and many nearby police to respond. The police believed it was fight. Religion was held in a corner by the stairs. The cops pinned us in. One cop coming up the stairs on foot and two cop cars were coordinated to arrive all at the same moment.
When the cops arrived, they were kind of dumbfounded – expecting a fight, only to find people drinking. They said, dum-dee-dum-dum – you gotta go. Hashers fled the scene of the crime as quickly as possible and no arrests were made. Banana Basher took one for the team and negotiated with the cops. Perhaps his truck full of toys helped (it was Toys for Tots night). I had no alcoholic beverage in my possession when the coppers arrived, so I stuck around to see if Banana need to be bailed out.
The end of the story is Banana’s vehicle was not parked in a parking spot and the coppers requested it be moved. However, Banana was no condition to operate a moving vehicle, so he requested I do it. It only need to moved around 5 feet. However, Banana had some sort of funky transmission and it took me about 5 minutes to move those 5 feet. Banana knew exactly what was going on and was laughing inside his head the entire time while the police watched.
So, I believe the lesson to be learned for this week’s hash is should conditions occur such as religion is moved down one floor, it is done with contemplation.
The season of gluttony is upon us and in us…..as quite a large number of wankers showed up to the day after thanksgiving hash which began at wickeds with bulging bellies and an insatiable thirst for copious amounts of hot red liquid, followed by cool yellow liquid, chocolate cake shots and some even braved the gallon jug of fireball despite the recent cartoon with a naughty elf.
Some people never learn.
The trail announcement was for 11 am…but in reality that was just the call to continue drinking…..cause trail started about 90 minutes past 11….but who’s counting. Something about Bakers forgetting his flour (I kid you not) and a chalk snafu between PCL and Fap??
The hares
Nevertheless,it was a glorious day meandering along the beaches and the lagoons casually admiring wandering egrets, coots and boobs.
In fact there was so much meandering going on that all of us missed the Liquor Check that Bakers Doesn’t lovingly set out accompanied by a cheap CD player and crappy speakers so that he could blast his favorite song “Bakers Street” by Gerry Rafferty while standing on Bakers Street in Santa Cruz imbibing booze, wishing he was far far away from Santa Cruz so he would not have to face the humiliation of the pack at religion.
Virgin Education 101
For those who missed it…..and that means everyone – here are some of the lyrics to lull you back to your senses.
Baker Street lyrics…..you can hum along….
Winding your way down on Baker Street Lite in your head, and dead on your feet Well another crazy day, you drink the night away And forget about everything This city desert makes you feel so cold Its got so many people but its got no soul And it’s taken you so long to find out you were wrong When you thought it held everything. You used to think that it was so easy You used to say that it was so easy But you’re tryin, you’re tryin now Another year and then you’d be happy Just one more year and then you’d be happy But you’re cryin’, you’re cryin’ now Way down the street there’s a light in his place You open the door, he’s got that look on his face And he asks you where you’ve been, you tell him who you’ve seen And you talk about anything He’s got… blah blah blah………….enough already……turn off the boombox!
What are these idiots up to?
OK back to our regularly scheduled program.
It has been brought to my attention that ONE person in fact did find the LIQUOR CHECK…..but she failed to alert the rest of the pack…she simply stood there with her booze, singing along to a sad song…………while the rest of us had to trudge through miles of boring scenery. That person is DOH. Go figure.
Speaking of losers….thmp thmp thought is was appropriate to auto hash with his side kick 69. Hmmm, what were they really doing in that truck?
A bunch of wankers on a beach
Beer check redemption was at 37 th street……not baker street. Where we cried in our beer, watched the surfers and let the dogs run wild.
Religion was held back at Wicked’s campfire with Accu and Dung Fu taking turns roasting weenies and crushing egos.
Our Liquor Check Queen Doh got no patch for 175 runs.
Slacker PCL got no patch for 200 runs.
Ho was our FRB, whining that she had to wait a full TEN MINUTES ALONE at beer check.
The gracious host
We had visitors….Grassy Ass, the painfully shy one from San Diego and other wordly brothels….plus a delightful just married ( 2.29.16) Tiny bitch penguin load couple from Colorado and the devilish red head Ska Skank from San Fran. Boy she gets around!
We had another female virgin called Nicole….we missed last weeks virgin wendy….yes, you were missed….only because you promised us tickets to the Santa Cruz Warriors. We must come up with a fitting punishment for ya.
Next week we start at Sir Froggy’s and we bring toys for tots….although they really want some toys for teens.
Our hares dBased and Jizziki took us on another Capitola Trail seeking to redeem itself from the worst trail of the year award. It appears that Trail # 884 may have already exceeded anyone and everyone’s expectations and is already in the running for an Academy Award for most outstanding, scenic trail of the century.
All of this thanks to the Super Moon, and I am not talking about Hangs Loose’s behind.
Fap is already not feeling this trail
We gathered at It’s Wine Tyme in Capitola once again for a few tasty draft beers and a hearty glass of Zin. I’m thankful they put up with us, cause I don’t think my neighbors were too thrilled with our repeat debauchery around my pool……but I digress…….
Back to the start…..which appeared to lead us up those miserable stinking stairs that some idiots use as their gym. Really are they too good to use a treadmill? Whatever! We got a big fat empty circle for our efforts. Yep, nothing, nada, zip….a big backcheck.
Just a bunch of wankers
But do not despair as we headed off enthusiastically towards Capitola Beach. All the true trail arrows pointed to the left….which is usually covered in water. Really cold water. Really big waves and really cold water crashing up against the crumbling cliff. There is no walkway, no path, no road………just the big bad Pacific Ocean up ahead………so how where we going to cross the Monterey Bay?
Our clever hares pulled a fast one out of their asses…….did a few mathematical calculations and equations and with the proper quotients surmised that the waning Super Moon would produce a MINUS TIDE….such that the usually impassable route from Capitola to New Brighton Beach would be accessible…..for a short window of time for those quick and nimble bodied hounds scanning the distance with their shining headlamps.
The four legged dogs frolicked in the tide pools, leaving steamy droppings along the way, marking our path in case we needed to make a hasty U Turn to beat the rising tide.
Everyone smiling because trail is over!
Once the pack reached New Brighton Beach a choice was necessary to continue as an Eagle or a Turkey. Some of us turkeys wandered through the parking lot, which has been closed due to a rather large and foreboding sinkhole. Nevertheless these wankers cut through the CAUTION tape and proceeded to claw their way up a steep hillside to escape the sink hole monster.
Once up at Park Av we wandered aimlessly through a sleepy neighborhood only to be redirected back across Park Av and onto the railroad tracks.
Some lost and grumbling souls found their way to Beer Check just in time.
For some reason we seemed to be missing a huge contingency…..and it turns out those jokers decided to go straight to religion….or as Accuprinck, the YBF guy, declared…he didn’t need no stinking BN….He was heading to the real trough of beer – the mother lode!
Beer!
Once at religion – the site of the infamous naked pool party a while back – the gang annoyed the neighbors with their antics, booming voices and off color jokes. Well, what else is new.
Crimes of trail….well it turns out that Accuprick and his prison gang did not complete the trail…so they were all called up for a Down Down….too many losers for me to individually acknowledge but you know who you are…..PCL, Finger Nips, Bacon Q, etc!!
Too make things interesting we were graced with 2 virgins….both “friends” with Just Foot Pussy. I thought he had reached his quota of friends so he picked these 2 up at the truck stop. During our usual embarrassing virgin spectacle we were thankfully graced by viewing some lovely silicone mountains by virgin wendy, we also had to endure a lame joke about cherry floats thanks to virgin chuck. Way to go Chuckie. The already unruly crowd was not too happy and turned up the volume. Finger Nips especially loves to chit chat while the RA is frantically trying to quell the crowd. Dung Fu up on the chair is so imposing. I think we need to get him a megaphone.
And the hares!
Accuprink once again was called up completing a measly 225 runs…….and got NO stinking patch. Geesh, what is our club money going for when you can’t get the dude a patch??!!
HangsLoose was reminded that he won the Biggest Wanker award and thus had to take his down down from the squirting penis. He was not thrilled…seems he has no experience with the “bi” thing.
He also missed AGM because his DOG was not allowed inside a public food serving venue. IMAGINE THAT!! Note to self…..get the dog a service dog certification and VOILA….instant access everywhere. Now no more excuses for missing the MOST IMPORTANT EVENT OF THE SURF CITY HASH YEAR. (We still love ya Hangs)
PCL was ecstatic the whole evening as she keep yelling, “I’m FRB, I’m FRB”. Well good for you missy……..we think she missed the whole trail and simply went straight to religion. Hmm, would that be called cheating? Perhaps the hard wood punishment ruler is in order. I heard it stings. She gloats when she uses it on her students. Maybe a taste of her own medicine….
Moving On……some of us went to ON ON ON at the Brit. John Michael crooned us with some Sinatra tunes and Nips redeemed herself by dancing and singing along. What a lively group we are! Check&Dong reminded us to check out the South Lake Tahoe Hash events. Who wants snow and mushrooms??
Well that’s all from Lake Woo be gone, aka Capitola………till next time……….and a thousand BN’s to you my friends.
By some miracle, El Palomar let us cum back again this year to celebrate AGM and trash their banquet room. I guess they know they can make a lot of money on alcohol sales.
If only all elections were this easy! It’s been a very emotional week in American politics, but let’s focus on the positive. Hash politics! In the Surf City hash world, Half Minds from all walks of life (usually) get along. WE DON’T CARE about race, color, religion, food preferences or sexual orientation! All we care about is shitty trails and drinking beer! It’s a dysfunctional family that seems to work just fine. Believe it or not, the hash doesn’t run on it’s own. There are folks who volunteer for mismanagement positions and usually run unopposed. That was the case again this year. Pink Cherry Licker and Fap Jack are continuing their 2 year term as GM’s. I think they did a fabulous job this past year! It’s not easy to herd a bunch of drunken cats. We drank a lot of beer, had some great events and stayed out of jail!
Trail was short and shitty and included a tour of San Lorenzo Park, liquor check at Callahan’s and beer check on top of Oswald’s Parking Garage. Religion was inside El Palomar. Dung Fu Grip was RA. Nurse Milkacockus, Bacon Queef and Just Foot Pussy were punished for throwing food. They were actually trying to catch pieces of candy in their mouths. There were a few Analversaries: Puff celebrated his 869th, TIMMY!! celebrated his 550th, Fap Jack celebrated his 150th , and Bacon Queef celebrated her 69th SCH3 hash! Get a fucking life (especially Puff). Wicked Retahted was called up for a down down “just because”. We all drank to celebrate the legalization of pot in California! The current year’s mismanagement was called up for a down down thank you. There was another naming! Just Doug was luck to have his 5th hash land on AGM, when Wankers are extra rowdy and intoxicated! All I know about him is that he used to hash in Japan, but was never named there. Well The pack though of a name pretty easily. And not in the traditional fashion. It was while we were waiting for Just Doug to arrive at Beer Check. And from this day forward, he will be forever known as Cold Smegma Kamikaze. Welcome to the hash!
Awards:
Best Trail: Princess Di(arrhea) and Thmp Thmp for trail through Henry Cowell to observation deck.
Worst Trail: Cum Fartzone and Jizziki’s pre-layed trail through Capitola
Best Theme: Pussy Trail: Rat Pussy, Pussy Wood and Just Foot Pussy
Biggest Wanker: Hangs Loose (who was not present)
Stupidest Act: Cum Fartzone’s noon pre-lay that upset the paranoid neighbors and set off terror on Next Door.com
Look at Me Award: Tie between Taco Tramp and Hangs Loose. She accepted the ball gag in his honor.
Election Results: Year 16 Mismanagement:
GMs: Pink Cherry Licker and Fap Jack
Hash Flash/Cash: Puff the Magic Drag Queen
Onsex: dBASED
Haberdasher: Occasional Rapist
RA’s: Accuprick and Dung Fu Grip
Hare Raiser: Twisted Fister
Social Secretaries: Princess Di (arrhea) and Thmp Thmp
Beer Meister: Rotating position this year. Please see the GM’s if you want to volunteer for a stint.
Hash Scribe Raiser: Pussy Wood. Please email her to sign up! Pblaimont.heart@gmail.com
Why should only a few select individuals have all the fun of writing Hash Trash every week? I’m sure you’re all pretty sick of me after 5 years. As a typical Half Mind, I forgot when I first volunteered for this job. After some research, looks like I started being Scribe with Occasional Rapist in 2011. Damn! No wonder I was sick of it! We were both new to the hash at the time and dBASED persuaded us to volunteer. Anyway, just like Hashers sign up to Hare trails, Hashers can sign up to write Hash Trash for the week. Pussy Wood will post it for you on the website. No writing experience necessary! Every computer has spell check. Unfortunately it doesn’t recognize weird spelling of hash names. You don’t even have to be sober to write it! Some of my best work was under the influence of alcohol. There are no rules! You can use whatever format you want. It will be good to get a different flavor each week. I only write from the FRB perspective. I’m sure there’s a lot more drama and debauchery going on further back in the pack. And this way, there’s not a long term commitment. Just give it a try and sign up for a week. I’m not going anywhere. You’ll still hear from me occasionally.
This week’s hash started at Aptos Street BBQ. The place was pretty hopping for a Thursday night and even had a band of promising young musicians. I was stuck in the usual HWY 1 rush hour traffic jam, so I didn’t get to hear them. They have a good beer selection there, but only one bartender so I waited in line for a bit to get a beverage.
The Hares were Twisted Fister, Princess Di (arrhea) and Thmp-Thmp. Trail was 2.98 miles according to my GPS. There was a Turkey/Eagle split as promised. The Eagles went into the darkness of Nisene Marks State Park. It was a bit spooky, but I did not fear. I had a bright flashlight and was accompanied by Poon Doggie. There was a liquor check of some kind of bloody Mary shit that I did not try. Trail went off the fire road on one of the single track trails to the left. We were almost a mile in when the FRB’s yelled “YBF!!!!”. Those bastards! So everyone turned around and went back to the T/E split and followed the Turkey trail down Spreckles Drive into Rio del Mar. There was another liquor check under a bridge but the Turkeys drank it all, so the Eagles were out of luck. Trail turned onto Moosehead Drive and went all the way up to the railroad tracks. Railroad tracks are extra fun at night! Poon Doggie was not digging the tracks. Beer check was a LONG way down the tracks.
Religion was at the humble abode of Princess and Thmp-Thmp, just a short walk down the tracks. They live on a golf course so I assumed we were on the proverbial right side of the tracks. Dung Fu Grip and Accuprick were RA and Beer Dick Fairy. The Hares were called up first to do penis shots for Twisted Fister’s birthday. They all got sufficiently creamed. There were 2 Analversaries: Broke Bench Mountain for his 269th and Cock Throbbin for her 50th SCH3 hash. Broke Bench Mountain accused Hangs Loose of being obnoxiously yelling “On On” every few minutes, which is a great way of pissing off the neighbors. Way to go! We had a naming! It was Just Kassie’s 5th hash. She’s a physical Therapist and made some comment about patients getting erections on a previous hash, so she was named Errection Derailer.
Welcome to the hash! And last but not least, the Hares……………………………
