It was a lovely warm evening in Santa Cruz. The pack convened on the outdoor patio of Santa Cruz Mountain Brewery.  It was Pussy Wood’s Virgin Hare. She even brought a Virgin sacrifice to the occasion. Virgin Ciana didn’t know what she was in for!  Fap Jack and Pink Cherry Liquor were substitute Beer Meister this week because TIMMY!!! was on vacation. They brought a free keg of wine they got from Santa Cruz Mountain Winery.  They were giving out the free kegs to wine club members! Score!  I belong to several wine clubs and never got a bonus like that!  Probably should check them out! Free wine for all the hashers…………….

Ho to Housewife broke Pussy Wood’s cherry with a very pleasant trail on the West Side.  It was 3.5 mile loop.  The halfmind hares started out by putting a boob and package check right next to Garfield Park where a bunch of little kids were playing.  There was a check near the Circle Jerk Church. Trail led to California Street and left along the dirt trail along Bay Avenue, then down National. There was a liquor check of Whaler’s rum at Lighthouse Field Park.  Cute name considering we’ve been lucky enough to see whales close to shore on West Cliff Drive. Trail continued down West Cliff Drive just as the sun was setting. It was quite picturesque.  Some hashers stopped to take romantic sunset selfies. There was a second liquor check at Cock Throbbin’s house. She’s still MIA due to plantar fasciitis.  Beer check was in Garfield Park, but cut short by a cop who stopped by to politely tell us to move on.

Religion was in back of Safeway.  dBASED was RA because Accuprick, Dung Fu Grip were traveling and were outside the PST time zone.  New Kids on my Cock was Beer Fairy.  dBASED drank for doing his normal dBASED routine and missed the turkey-eagle split. We had a visitor from Korea- Semper Jackus.  Pink Cherry Licker and Fap Jack got called up for staying on West Cliff too long taking romantic sunset selfies.  New Kids on my Cock drank for being a backslider.  Virgin Ciana told a lame joke. Dog Breath accused the hares of putting the boob and package checks too close to the park.  I’m sure he was freaked out when he saw the cop at beer check.   He probably has a court order not to be within 200 yards of schools and parks where children are playing.  Religion was stopped short because the Safeway security folks came out and told us to leave. Pussy Wood was sad the she didn’t get to hear the song for the Hares, so here goes. Sing it in your head.

And the hares,

And the hares,

And the hares,

And the hares,

On her d!cky-di-doe,

Hangs down to her knees.

One black one, one white one,

And one with a bit of sh!te on,

And one with a fairy light on,

to show us the way.

And the hares,

And the hares,

And the hares,

And the hares,

On her d!cky-di-doe,

Hung down to her knees.

S-H-I-T-T-Y T-R-A-I-L

On On,

Shallow Hole

Pirate Hash II: Electric Labia Land’s Birthday

Surf City H3 has had some pretty memorable Pirate hashes.  It’s quite a sight to see a bunch of drunken pirates running around town causing mayhem and debauchery.  I take 1/3 of the responsibility for the shit show last year that included too much rum, lost hashers, water balloons, and a visit from the cops during religion.  This year, Electric Labia Land wanted redemption.  She teamed up with Fap Jack and summoned the pack to Ideal Bar and Grill on Beach Street.  The bar was packed with football fans, watching the first game of the season.  They were somewhat amused by the pirates.  We had a virgin this week- Virgin Brooks.  Shameless Butt Plug made him come!

Trail measured 2.61 miles on my GPS.  The first liquor check was 10 steps away from the bar on the sand. There was flour all the way across the beach to the boardwalk.  The FRB’s lost trail momentarily and ran through Neptune’s Kingdom and the boardwalk.  There was another liquor check outside in front of the boardwalk.  Trail went up through Beach Hill, down the steps to Laurel Street Extension and through downtown.  The FRB’s ran into Pink Cherry Licker on Pacific Avenue.  She had to deal with whack job parents at back to school night and desperately needed hard liquor.   She was not disappointed.  There was a third liquor check on top of Oswald’s parking garage.  We got rum (and coke)!   Trail continued down the steps of the parking garage, through Marini’s candy store, across Pacific and down Walnut Street several blocks to the High School.  We went left on Lincoln Street, and several blocks down Chestnut along the railroad tracks. Beer check was in the little park near the entrance to Neary Lagoon.

Religion was held in the party room at the bowling alley. Hashers started getting restless until the pitchers of beer started coming out. Hashers were feeling the effects of 3 liquor checks! Peddifiddler consumed her fair share of liquor. She was in front of the windows flashing guys on the street. Broke Bench Mountain started walking across the tables.  Waxi Pad showed up after the football game.

Dung Fu Grip was RA and Fingernips was beer Fairy. First down down went to hashers that survived Interam Portland (Yours Truly, Waxi Pad, Thmp-Thmp, Princess Di(arrhea), Fingernips, Broke Bench Mountain, Cums Out My Nose).  Hugh Heifer and Thmp-Thmp drank for wearing white Happi Coats. All the hashers who did not dress up in pirate costumes (Thmp-Thmp, Waxi Pad, Shameless Butt Plug, Drink N Squirt, Accuprick, Virgin Brooks and Today is Monday) were punished.  Virgin Brooks told a dumb joke.  Broke Bench Mountain got a down down for tagging Princess Di(arrhea) at a strip club in Portland. At least her relatives “liked” it. Peddifiddler drank for flashing guys on the street (and the rest of the room).  Thmp-Thmp accused Ho to Housewife of parking too close to his car. I was there! There was plenty of room! Rat Pussy drank for agitating the bums on the railroad tracks. They were quite friendly to us Harriettes. Visitors Today is Monday and Drink N Squirt were welcomed to the hash.

Ho to Housewife and Yours Truly, were accused of neglecting our scribe duties.  Check out the timeliness of this trash bitches!  I just got behind because I was partying in Portland.  Cock Throbbin has been on the DL for months due to plantar fasciitis.  Ho to Housewife has been busy rescuing birds and bottle feeding baby squirrels.  Pink Cherry Licker drank for showing up late to the hash because of work.  She tried to sneak in with the pack with the FRB’s. Cumfartzone and Just Justin told a story about how someone stole their pirate flag, but they got it back.  The pack sung a  lovely rendition of Happy Birthday to Electric Labia Land and early birthday (9/15) for Waxi Pad.

And the Hares…………….

On On,

Shallow Hole

I am now caught up with my scribe duties:)

This week Occasional Rapist and dBASED brought the pack to El Jardin. It was their 2 year Analversary of their hash wedding. And you thought it would never last. For those who were not in attendance, it was a hell of a party at Last Call Norm and Pearl Necklace’s house. There was a trail. Eagles got to go swimming where the San Lorenzo River meets the ocean and terrorize small children on the boardwalk. There was food a keg and dancing to Waxi Pad’s band.

This week we were supposed to wear white.   Dung Fu Grip sported his white Elvis outfit, but a lot of hashers did not get the memo.  Pearl Necklace made it out to the hash this week. My Garmin watch was having technical difficulties, so I didn’t track the entire trail. I estimate it was < 3 miles. We went out the back of the restaurant parking lot, up 7^th Avenue, past Holy Cross Cemetery, to Soquel. We turned right on Soquel and made a left onto a little dirt road that led us around Harbor High School to La Fonda, and up through those neighborhoods.   There was a champagne liquor check in an alley. Trail then lead down Morrissey. We made a little loop and then back up to Fairmount to a beer check at John Franks Park.

Religion was at Occasional’s Mom’s yard. There was a nice spread of cheese and crackers to munch on. Dung Fu grip was RA and Jizziki was Beer Fairy.  The Hares were called up first. Occasional Rapist was presented with a commemorative beer mug to celebrate her 50^th Haring! The only problem was the inscription said the wrong date because a switch made on the Hare calendar. All the party poopers who didn’t wear white were called up for a down down. There were too many of them to count.  Some of the walkers (Fingernips, Pussy Wood, Hugh Heifer and Pearl Necklace. They were probably drinking and getting stoned. Pink Cherry Licker got lost because they were trying to “pull a dBASED” and guessed wrong. Ahhto Bhang Stander got congratulated for getting caught at 2 YBF’s. Dung Fu Grip drank too for being a FRB. Cumfartzone gave a little do it yourself tip for anyone interested in making a cock cage out of the top of a champagne bottle. Pussy Wood drank for being a backslider. She was chasing lizards in France and partying in Vegas and Tahoe. I’m sure there was some Ahhto Bhanging going on. She brought us chocolate with a toy inside. Thmp-Thmp celebrated 25 consecutive Surf City Hashes! Get a life! Snapping Twat showed up at the end. She was too busy drinking elsewhere to do trail.

And the Hares………………

Happy Analversary!

On On,

Shallow Hole

Sinking Ship of Fools

Our Hares this week were Ho to Housewife and Dung Fu Grip. The pack met up at Santa Cruz Mountain Brewery.  They expanded their patio area and now the place is even cooler than before.   We were promised “a surprise” which in the hash world could or could not be a good thing. We were on the west side. We’ve been to the beach. We’ve been through the nasty tunnels of terror. What the hell kind of surprise were we in for? Courtesy Flush showed up at the start and then drove away to apparently do his laundry.

My GPS measured trail at 3 miles. Trail started by going out the back of the building down the Mission Street Extension. There was a check on the corner of Western. Dbased went straight down the Mission Street Extension and found true trail. I checked across Mission and just after the third mark, I found the first YBF. By that time, most of the pack caught up to us. So yes, we followed dBASED and he was on trail! Across the street from the new PCS school construction, there was flour on a little trail to the left. We went through an apartment complex, across the tracks to Antonelli Pond, where we found liquor check of sake bombs hosted by Cock Throbbin. It was then that we saw our “surprise”. It was an inflatable boat! They secured rope across the pond to the other side so hashers could move the boat across the pond. I was one of the FRB’s on the first boat. I’m not sure how many trips back and forth the boat made, but it had a hole in it and started to sink by the end. Several hashers had soggy bottoms, but no one drowned. Non seaworthy hashers just walked around the pond. Trail connected to natural bridges lagoon trail to the beach and up to the parking lot. There was a check in the parking lot. dBASED found a YBF on the butterfly path. True trail went down the hill, out the park exit on to West Cliff. We meandered inland a bit before finding beer check in a parking lot on Delaware.

Religion was at the Habitat Restore where Dung Fu Grip works. Hashers circled up on a bunch of toilets (and some chairs). Accuprick was RA and Cumcerto was Beer fairy. Most hashers would consider it an honor to be beer fairy. But from the look on her face, Cumcerto was not thrilled about it. Courtesy Flush was called up for not doing trail. I guess her really was doing laundry and was afraid the homeless folks would steal his shit so he stayed there and waited for it for it to be done. Broke bench Mountain was called up for dog abuse. Poor Porter is getting old and he had to stay in the car while we were on trail. Just Evan was called out for trading stocks or more likely surfing for porn on his cell phone during circle.  A bunch of hashers were called up for not going on the boat. Just Evan was called up again for being a backslider. He warned the pack that the porn sites never charge just a dollar. Good to know. There were 2 Analversaries. Ho to Housewife celebrated her 50^th and Banana Basher celebrated his 650^th SCH3 hash! Get a life! There was the tail of deflate gate. Shady Curtains was on the boat with 3 Harriettes when the boat was sinking.  They were going down, and butts got wet!  Hopefully no one got a yeast infection. dBASED got called out for shoving a beer in Pink Cherry Licker’s teeth. Cumberto got mauled by a big Minnie Mouse courtesy of Broke Bench Mountain. And last but not least, the Hares……………….

On On,

Shallow Hole