Oh yes, you guys all forgot about trail 812 when poking fun at the scribes…. but don’t fear…. I remembered, and now you shall remember with me.
We started at Woodstock’s Pizza downtown on Front St where we stood way to close to someone’s sweet 16 party and had to migrate away from them to not get parole violations for several of our hashers.
Hares Pink Cheery Liquor and Fap Jack ran off jabbering lies that no one was listening to anyway.
Trail started out taking us down river then crossing us over the SL River on Soquel, where we took a left on Dakota, heading for Gangster… I mean San Lorenzo.. Park. We all made it alive through the park then ran smack into a YBF behind the courthouse. I’m sure we weren’t the only ones who have been in that area thinking how fucked we are. Turns out trail actually went behind Mahajara, the Indian restaurant on Soquel and Riverside where we took the levee trail over to Broadway/Laurel. Going back over the bridge on Laurel towards downtown we had not just a boob check, but a dick check right behind that. We wrapped around the back of downtown on Center then zig-zagged our way to beer near, held on the second floor of the parking garage behind Wells Fargo.
We headed up to the top floor of the parking garage for religion, where we invaded the weekly fencing activities of some Santa Cruz Merry Men and let us not forget the one merry woman who perhaps was not so happy to see us. Who could blame her though when one of us drunkenly punted a bottled water into their area 🙁
Cum Fart Zone was elected as beer fairy, Broke Bench Climbed and jumped off walls, DungFu broke his sunglasses and we learned that Tits N’ Game let us all know it hurts her knees to go down. She was talking about running you pervs….
We also celebrated some odd things. Timmy has had the runs something like 475 times, Hugh Heifer has had them 375 times and Cums out her Nose has had them 225 times. I’m not sure what you guys are eating but maybe less fiber will help? We also celebrated Princess Diarrhea’s 25 hares… girl, it’s called Animal Hording and it’s a real problem. I know people who can help you,
We also had 2 virgins, both compliments of Tits N’ Game! She did a fine job with her virgins as we got flashes from both!
We called up a bunch of other people for a bunch of other crimes too but you can look at the pictures and find out what those are. I have several other hashes to scribe and I don’t want to use up all my funnies too early 🙂
The Annual SCH3 Wharf 2 Barf is now over and it didn’t disappoint.
There were…
Golden showers—twice!
Ball stealing
dBASED asshole-dom
Moving bums off benches to make way for LC
and
Virgin bailing
It all started on Thursday with Hash #808
Hashers started out at UnCommon Brewers with a tour of the facility and some good ol’ prelube.
The trio of Hares included Dung Fu Grip, Ho2Housewife, and Shallow hole who would set a trail so unexpected that Cum Fart Zone’s Virgin would bail quite quickly.
The Hares
Trail took hashers over the railroad tracks where they stopped to gaze at a hasher-worthy parking job that made a solid resting spot for the cross rails.
Parking is hard
Then hashers were off down the levee trail, over the bridge, and into the neighborhoods. Just Foot Pussy disappointed an otherwise happy child playing along trail by chucking his ball down the street. The kid chimed back with, “you just threw my ball.” No one stuck around to find out how that story ended.
Jiztiki made a virgin sacrifice and told (another) long joke when Cum Fart Zone’s virgin disappeared.
dBASED, asshole that he is, claimed he didn’t see the YBF and snared the hares. He saved Banana Basher because he was looking for a short cut. Banana was FRB. Yes, you read that right.
FRB F**kers!
Then trail took hashers back to the Old Sash Mill where Beer Near was hosted out of the back of Shallow Hole’s hatch back. Religion was at the Old Sash Mill where we heard about our first golden shower at Warf 2 Barf. Turns out that Cum Fart Zone gets $300 for it on a typical Stay-n-Play. Word on the street is that surrogate cum is where the real money’s at though.
Cum Fart Zone tells all
RA Accuprick punished Hairy Potter and Pedofiddler for their backsliding. Snapping Twat received the No Film Award for showing up late, but catching up before beer check. Timmy was given a down down for a “reach around” of a homeless guy in his way, which ThmpThmp witnessed so joined him for the down down.
OnOnOn was at Taqueria Los Pericos and that was the end of our first night of Wharf 2 Barf.
Now for day two.
Friday Hash #809 was an Oktoberfest pub crawl in July on National Tequila Day and that was just the beginning of sh*t gettin weird.
Hashers met at Tampicos for the first stop on a pub crawl led by Pink Cherry Licker and Fap Jack. There was plenty of time for crawling as half minds made a spectacle of themselves from bar to bar.
Hashers
Something Blew visited from Illinois and had no trouble fitting in with this pack. Neither did the two virgins with Just Foot Pussy, Virgin Matt and Virgin Jenna.
Second stop was the Blue Lagoon where we took over the back room for a hasher sing along. Then onto Palomar for margaritas, and Rosie McCanns after that where Puff the Magic Drag Queen offered up chocolate and ponies to the ladies, luring them with a mention that there was more in his van outside.
Hashers ended up at the Red Room where Virgin Matt danced it up to close out the pub crawl.
That takes us to day three.
Saturday Hash #810 The Sausage Fest Picnic
The pack met at Forty Thieves Picnic Area at DeLaveaga Park.
Virgin Hare TransCuntNAnal and Finger Nips laid a trail through the woods that got hashers hot and sweaty.
Finger Nips telling lies while TransCuntNAnal tries to distract the crowd
Our second golden shower happened when Cock Throbbin made Dog Breath’s dreams come true by giving him a golden shower cumming off the German beer tasting box. Then Just Foosy was pants’d by PCL and hashers learned the married duo Bacon Queef and Just Foot Pussy have a rule that the penis helicopter is only for her so hashers got the penis wiggle.
The Beer Relay started with two rounds of hashers running ‘round trees of DeLaVega. There was lots of sabotage, deceit, and injury. Finger Nips, bra-less with a mouthful of ummm, beer, went on to win Beer Relay. Captain Save-A-Hole stepped up to redeem his Damsel in Distress Shallow Hole who was sabotaged by Dog Breath in the Beer Relay.
Beer relay!
Shallow Hole was sabotaged so she in turn sabotaged Virgin Ben who was devastated and obviously new to our none-too-nice hasher protocol.
Sabotage!
We had many visitors: Something Blew, Mister Wiggly, Autobahn Stardust, Rip Van Drunker, Dual Tools Up My Ass, USOh Oh Ohhh!, Eyeful Hands, Red Dress Baller, and husband-wife team of Popo Strip Show and SkaSkank Redemption
Dung Fu was Beer Fairy.
Twat Did You Say celebrated her 75th Hash. Finger Nips celebrated 10 Harings. Trans CuntnAnal christened his first haring, Snapping Twat received her belated First Haring.
Virign Cerese warmed the crowd up with a joke then flashed them. Virgin Ben tried to tell a joke gave up and mooned the crowd. Virgin Jim told a pedophile joke that caused many groans.
PCL called Cum Fart Zone out for not know how to use the whistle on trail. She that the whistle meant come on and get me instead of a signal of on-on.
Banana Basher called PCL out for coming back from trail, shouting “I won the hash!” PCL was punished with a down down.
Mr. Wiggly was celebrated for hashing the longest, since 1986 or was it 1886? So then we called up all the hashers who weren’t born before 1986: Dung Fu, Dual Tools in My Ass, Rip Van Drunker, Rat Pussy, Autobahn Stardust, and Deadliest Snatch.
The great honor of Biggest Wanker of the Weekend awards went to Cum Fart Zone and Dog Breath who received the blessed Watermelon Heads.
Sunday Hash #811
This was the Monterrey Bay Hangover Hash with the best attendance yet!
Surf City tradition carried on with the hash at Pearl Necklace and Last Call Norm’s home. This year we paid homage to Last Call Norm who passed away two months ago and is sitting on her bar stool in the sky.
Shallow Hole, Ho2Housewife, Just Cerese (high maintenance DFLs) joined trail late.
Dung Fu was Religious Advisor and Deadliest Snatch was Beer Fairy.
We toasted the Hashers who made it all four days then gave a well-deserved toast to the Watermelon Heads again. The Pickle Passing game went on for a while and we give a shout out to the pickle that we imagine lying in rest somewhere.
Virgin Ronda, Just Foot Pussy’s Aunt, made Cum Fart Zone cum with one finger…it was a joke you dirty minds.
And that concluded Wharf to Barf.
A big thank you to our GMs and all the others who pulled this crazy thing together.
Our beloved SCH3 GMs
What we remember of it was a blast, Wankers! We hear the rest was good too.
Your loving (don’t get excited Dog Breath) Hash Scribes,
Ho2Housewife, Cock Throbbin & Shallow Hole
This week the Hares Puff the Magic Drag Queen and Dung Fu Grip summoned the pack to Bocci’s Cellar. It was a very special hash this week to celebrate Puff’s 65th birthday! Puff may be eligible for Medicare, but I don’t think he’s retiring from the hash any time soon. In fact he seems to be going strong! According to the hash count, Puff has 793 Surf City Hashes under his belt. He’s currently at 732 consecutive hashes. The last time he missed a hash was 3/14/02. What’s his secret to staying young? You’ll have to ask him. He’s vegetarian, collects dragon figurines, drinks a lot of beer, and loves wearing his stylish OP corduroy shorts. Here’s to brother hasher, brother hasher, brother hasher……
We had a virgin this week. Virgin Laree said Rod Lover told her about the hash. She seemed to fit right in. Six of Nine saw her and immediately started hitting on her. But then again, he hits on everybody. Hash Flash this week is courtesy of Ho to Housewife. I have a sneaking suspicion that Puff didn’t post all the pictures she took.
Puff’s heart must still be in good shape. According to my GPS, it was a challenging, hilly 4.21 mile trail. But then again, he could’ve paid off his co-hare Dung Fu Grip to lay most of it. We did not tour heroin hill, but we did the indigenous people of Harvey West Park. Trail headed down Coral Street past Costco. There was a check on Evergreen Street. All the FRB’s got caught by the YBF up the bike path that leads to High Street. They came back down the hill, cursing the Hares the whole way. We passed the cemetery. Someone found flour in Wagoner Grove, so we went up the trail to the steps. There was a liquor check on the trail. It was some kind of nasty flavored vodka, that I kept tasting over and over the rest of the trail. We exited the park and went out Meadow Road, went right on Spring, left on Rockridge Lane, through a little trail and around a townhouse complex and eventually up to Pogonip. There were some lovely views from the top of the hill. Thankfully, there was only one way to go but down! We descended down and out of the park on to Encinal Street. Beer check was at the end of Pioneer Street by the Goodwill. Cock Throbbin didn’t do trail but made an appearance at beer check after 2 months to prove she’s still alive. She’s been traveling and has been nursing a foot injury.
Religion was at the other end of Pioneer Street. Accuprick was RA and appointed Suck Cockran as Beer Fairy. We started out with birthday cake and a song for Puff. Suck Cockran drank for “not seeing” liquor check. Cock Throbbin, Tits and Game and Hooker on Kronix, Bitch drank for being backsliders. A bunch of hashers, Hugh Heifer, Six of Nine, Fap Jack, Pink Cherry Licker, Twat Did You Say? and Princess Di (arrhea) drank for not going up the big hill. Dog Breath drank for showing up late to the hash. Virgin Laree told a joke and was welcomed to the hash. We had a naming. Just Tom is a kinky chef and was named Jizziki. Welcome to the hash! Groucho Cocks showed up late and drank for being a backslider. Twat Did You Say? was called up to tell a story about how the puppy she was watching ate her vibrator! Puff was given a book about Santa Cruz (in case he forgets), and Dung Fu Grip got a patch for Haring 25 trails. And last but not least the Hares…………….
Next up is the infamous Wharf to Barf Weekend! It’s your chance to go on a 4 day bender with your best drinking buddies!
It all starts this Thursday 7/23/15 for Hash # 808, Prelude in FU-Major. Ho to Housewife, Dung Fu Grip and Yours Truly will be Haring a most excellent trail starting at Uncommon Brewers in the Sash Mill. They’re in # 40 towards the back next to Pacific Cookie. They don’t have a regular tasting room, but will be open just for us! Alec will be pouring $5 pints (cash only). Some of their beers have a high alcohol content, so you’ll get your money’s worth for sure!
Trail 806 was SCH3’s annual Beat Your Meat charity event, with all proceeds going to Second Harvest Food Bank. Our cheap asses managed to pull together $1,000! Can you believe that? Knowing you guys, I hardly can.
The evening started at the home of Little Anal Annie and Butt Balls in Aptos. Prior to trail we were all warned about one the of dog’s counter surfing and food stealing tactics, so we made sure all out food was out of Dog Breath’s reach before we headed on out. We were gifted with three lovely home brews by visiting Morning Missile, a stout an IPA and an applewiess.
As we set off on trail we immediately entered Nisene Marks and started going downhill (this means you can only go one way from there). So down we descended and rivers we crossed then I hear something up the hill to my left, it’s Dung Fu flying up the side of the mountain. Oh boy, here we go. As we go up I start thinking that this isn’t too bad, until we had to more or less scale the side of the cliff as we are also climbing over tree trunks on a trail that I can’t even call single track… I’m pretty sure it was a deer trail. This was far from the magical hikes and runs I’m used to in Nisene. Trail eventually brought us up onto the fire road where there is car access then back down again before looping up over to Windjammer where we picked up the members of the pack who did the fantastic Windjammer trail. A few of us had a beer prior to hitting up beer check and cheers’d each other celebrating our survival through this gnarly trail.
As the pack headed to beer check a few hashers stopped at Safeway to pick up some ice for Dog Breath, who may have gotten a little tipsy at the 4th of July celebration and did his own fireworks show from his mouth to celebrate.
Once we got to religion, Dog Breath punished us for punishing him by showing us all how quickly his privates could contract into his body by dropped trow as he sat on the bag of ice. We also tried to punish dBase for his (shitty) trail but after Dog Breath’s bare ass sat upon the ice he refused to sit. Broke Bench wasn’t having it and lifted him up and dropped him on the ice, ripping his pants in the process. Here we learned how much dBASED loves the hash since even the back of his boxers say “On On”. Not sure how Snapping Twat wiggled her way out of being put on ice, but she did.
During religion we thanked the homeowners, and especially Butt Balls as he came home from a grueling overseas con-call to a house-full of drunks, called out those who did the Windjammer trail, punished the backsliders and celebrated dBASED’s 650th analversary. Once all the formalities were over we moved onto the eating!
Butt Balls grilled up all the meats and hashers loaded this plates with side dishes while enjoying Morning Missle’s brews. I managed to find the other lonely vegan (who brought the amazing Chao cheeze & veggie burgers so good I saw meat eaters taking second tastings) along with the vegan sausages Dung Fu brought I was in vegan heaven. There was plenty of all types of food to go around that pleased everyone’s tummy.
That about sums it up half-minds. May the hash go in peace! See ya’all for Puff’s 65th Beerthday tonight. If you can’t make it, don’t worry… he won’t know, his mind isn’t too good these days 🙂
And what’s more patriotic than drinking at the VFW? Princess Di (arrhea) and Thmp-Thmp went all out and rented the picnic area in back of the VFW in Santa Cruz for this week’s hash. They don’t allow outside alcohol, so we had to go inside and buy pitchers, but they were only $8.75. The poor old guy bartending was getting quite a workout pouring beer. There were only 2 other patrons in the bar besides hashers. Not exactly the most happening place in town. The last time I drank at a VFW was in the 80’s. I was an underage college student. We went to our friend’s house for the weekend and her Dad let us go drinking with him at the VFW. Beers were only 35 cents! Even broke college students could get pretty shitfaced on that price! Accuprick was busy practicing his kinesiology taping technique. We had some visitors from CAN’D hash this week. Dildo Shaggins, Ahhhto Bahng Stander. Shady Curtains is more of a backslider than a visitor. He was hashing with us pretty regularly, but we haven’t seen him for a while. He said he was too busy studying Russian to hash.
My GPS measured trail at 2.13 miles. It was a little loop that went down Rodriguez, to 7th Avenue, around to Capitola Road, back across Rodriguez, to Paul Minnie Avenue to beer check in a parking lot on Bostwick lane. Nothing too exciting. Dildo Shaggins not only looked like a hobbit, but he ran barefoot the entire trail. We found out that Dung Fu Grip knew Dildo Shaggins from Lansing, Michigan and was the hasher who named Dung Fu. Small hash world. Accuprick said he saw some druggies. I guess you see more scenery when you walk. I tried like hell to get dirt on Just Stephanie for her naming. It was like pulling teeth! We knew she works at a bait shop. The only thing I got was that she was shacking up with Rat Pussy, they have a bunch of pets and pineapple makes her throw up,
Religion was back at the VFW. Accuprick was RA and Six of Nine was Beer Fairy. Shady Curtains, Accuprick and Twat Did You Say? drank for being backsliders. Rat Pussy was punished for dropping a beer bottle on the ground at beer check. Alcohol abuse! Dildo Shaggins and Ahhhto Bahng Stander were called up for a welcome to the hash down down. Dung Fu Grip also drank because Dildo Shaggins was his “hash daddy” responsible for his name. Occasional Rapist, Twat Did You Say? and TIMMY!!! drank for all wearing matching beer socks. Dung Fu grip and Just Foot Pussy had matching haircuts. Shady Curtains got blamed for some mystery W written in chalk. Bacon Queef and Dung Fu Grip drank for using peoples mortal names at the hash. There were 2 Analversaries. Stub Rub celebrated his 25th and Princess Di (arrhea) celebrated her 175th SCH3 hash! Get a life! Shady Curtains was accused of chivalry on trail. Apparently while out on trail, he came across a nurse pushing a crazy guy in a wheelchair. The guy in the wheelchair started freaking out and Shady Curtains had to subdue him. Sorry I missed that! Snapping Twat drank for autohashing (again). This is becoming a pattern with her. She was drinking margaritas at some other bar. And the Hares…… Thmp-Thmp got a patch for haring 25 trails. We took a break from Religion to eat a bunch of weenies, coleslaw, and more beer. After everyone was sufficiently stuffed, Religion resumed for the very important job of naming Just Stephanie. After much deliberating, she will forever be known as Deadliest Snatch! Welcome to the hash!
Puff the Magic Drag Queen here, resurrected as Scribe once again. Scribe Shallow Hole was a co-hare and we learned long ago not to allow a hare to concoct the Trash for their own trail. Invariably, they sing the praises of a trail they contend will be emulated for years to come. Another of our Scribe Triad, that being the Illustrated Woman, Cock Throbbin’, is somewhere back in the sweltering East visiting her parents. Note they only wish to see her once a year and even then not for very long. That leaves naught but our flamed-headed heroine Ho To Housewife. Rumor Central has two theories as to her absence this week. First, she has reputedly contracted shingles. She is far too young for such a malady but if she were to have them it would obviously be due to her piss-poor diet. The most accepted cure for this ailment is chicken noodle soup. I have a large assortment using many varieties of that fowl creature. Respond to this Trash, H2H, and I’ll bring my favorite over. The second possible cause for her unexcused absence is said to be a STD. If this is true, we now know what she does on those nights she’s not out getting drunk with her kennel mates.
Most any disease would be preferable to having attended Trail 804 in the wilds of Henry Cowell Redwood State Park off (closed) Highway 9. We were not the only group of hoodlums assembled there though. Mountain bikers from far and wide descended on this remote outpost to destroy the environment believing no Rangers will bother driving up a closed road. We met a group from San Jose that had just completed their search-and-destroy mission and were on their way into Santa Cruz for beers. Well, at least they had SOME redeeming social value.
We had a fair-sized pack and I could only hope enough of them survived to have a decent Religion. Just Mirit has decided to forgo hashing for a year and move to Singapore. So what does she do on her last hash? Why, bring a Virgin of course. This goes to illustrate our old adage: A half of a mind is all it takes. Hot Wheels, one of dBASED’s two (known) offsprings, drove himself to the hash as he no longer wishes to be associated with his old man. In that case, Hot Wheels better get a car big enough to carry everyone in the pack with the possible exception of dBASED’s (second) wife Occasional Rapist. Cumfart Zone showed up after a missed week wearing little more than a bra above the waist. Just Tom stared off into space and just smiled. Just Nate and Just Stephanie stood around with sheepish grins on their faces trying not to doing anything extraordinarily stupid as this is their fifth hash and a naming ceremony is in their immediate future. Just Foot Pussy and Bacon Queef have returned to the fold after their honeymoon to Alaska and Hawaii. I’m certain they are now finding out what the expression ‘The honeymoon is over’ really means. Conspicuous in her absence was Princess Di(arrhea). Thmp-Thmp was somewhat vague as to why she chose not to attend but claimed it was not a pattern to be repeated again anytime soon. Maybe she has the same ailment Ho To Housewife has contracted.
Above we see harried hares recoiling from questions asked during Instructions of Trail.
While the pack was left unsatisfied, at least it prompted the hares to finally leave.
There can be precious little details related about trail as we simply followed the Rincon Road Trail to the depths of the San Lorenzo River Gorge. There were a number of river crossings on the Eagle Trail.
Here we see but a few of the dangerous traversals of the San Lorenzo River the clan was coerced into. As if they are not inherently dangerous enough on their own merits, you can see Cumcerto carrying the leftover from Liquor Check, a bottle she sucked on profusely herself I might add. She began swaying as if she was becoming unhinged from this earth and Just Foot Pussy flew to her rescue. Of course all he did was take the bottle from her and left her to fend for herself in the raging river.
There was poison oak aplenty. Below is the front bumper of TIMMY’s truck. Even the parking lot was inundated with this frequent visitor to the hash. We should probably give poison oak a hash name and be done with it!
Beer Check, while scenic, was again marred by Dung-Fu Grip and Dog Breath shedding their clothing and splashing around like Cro Magnon man undoubtedly did when he was covered in fleas. Mercifully, we were spared the triple-header due to the absence of Sharticle Physics. Sharticle probably wouldn’t even have put his clothes on for the trip back to the start.
Speaking of the trip back to the start, it was the Turkey Trail in reverse. And, even worse, uphill damn near the entire way. I’m not sure if this illustrates poor planning or simple vindictiveness on the part of the hare-pair and I don’t really care because they both amounted to the same thing from the pack’s point of view.
Back near the start, Religion was convened with TIMMY acting as Religious Adviser and Puff the Magic Drag Queen as his Beer Fairy.
Above we see these two ancient fools conferring as to whom should be reamed first. Ultimately, it was decided everyone in attendance showed poor judgement simply by driving way-the-hell up here so everyone deserved a down-down.
Here’s a quick down-down recap: dBASED for disappearing into the forest at the very first check and missing both Liquor Check as well as Beer Check, (how rare!); Dog Breath and Dung-Fu Grip for another of their infamous skinny-dipping expositions; Fap Jack who managed to shed blood on trail; Cumcerto received a No Life Award for completing her 75th hash with us; Just Mirit was given a farewell down-down, she’s off to Singapore to teach, I feel sorry for her students; Virgin Brad was welcomed, then we found out he’s from LA and just came up to ‘visit’ Mirit, good-bye Brad. Okay, now it’s time for Nate and Stephanie’s naming ceremony. Nate, who said pussy is his favorite food (I wonder if Stephanie knew that?) and his favorite animal is a rat (yuk!) pretty much named himself. Allow me to introduce…..
Rat Pussy
However, poor Stephanie. She spends so little time with her kennel mates, (she told me she’s scared of most of them) that we were unable to concoct a moniker for this little monkey so she remains…….
Just Stephanie
The Dreary Lass
And the hares…
Shallow Hole and Dung-Fu Grip.
Shallow Hole received a patch for horribly haring 25 trails for us. She was told this would suffice for a long time and she need not sign up at AGM this year for so damn many trails.
On-on-on was reputedly to be at Bocci’s Cellar but the place was jammed with a country band in the restaurant and a burlesque (!) show in the outdoor dining area.
By Special Appointment of His Royal Majesty “G”, this Hash Trash has been compiled and printed by permission of no one other than the author at Santa Cruz, Ca., or elsewhere if need be, on this, the twenty-eighth day of June in the year of our Hash two-thousand fifteen.
