Every year, around April Fools Day, Surf City holds its Anal Lampshade Hash.  This year, our Hares were the half-mind team of Hairy Fuck 2.5 and “virgin Hares” Thmp-Thmp and Princess Diarrhea.  The pack gathered at the Rush Inn, for an evening of unbridled lunacy in Downtown Santa Cruz.  Gotta give it to Hashers.  They really know how to let their freak flag fly, by decorating their lampshades in their own unique style.  Hugh Heifer showed up in a very creative cow themed lampshade.  Choka-Cola and Hairy Potter, in celebration of their upcoming wedding, came sporting cute bride and groom lampshades.  Hairy Fuck 2.5 and Cumz out my Nose had beer themed lampshades.  Accuprick and Puff the Magic Drag Queen had matching gold lampshades.  Great Barrier Queef had a cool shade that included a tiara and fuzzy animals.  Broken Shaft made a Mega Millions lottery lampshade.  Swiss Army Cock strapped a lampshade to his combat helmet.  Twat did you say?  Taped some dum-dum lollypops to her shade.  Deep Stroke had the silly idea to put a light inside her little green cap from St Patty’s Day and call it a lampshade.

Hashers circled up in back of the Rush Inn, then meandered out to Water St, turned right onto Ocean St, through the Court House parking lot into San Lorenzo Park.   Of course there was the official picture stop in front of Riverside Lighting.  There was a fence to climb through a church parking lot.  From there, the trail went back toward downtown, where hashers paraded down Pacific Ave and had to stop for a song check.  As a final act of insanity, hashers took a short cut through Bookshop Santa Cruz to Religion on top of the River St Parking Garage.  The sword fighters were there of course, and sensing this was a night to be crazy, they were all dressed up in their Renaissance Fair Knight regalia.

Accuprick was RA and appointed Great Barrier Queef his Beer Fairy.  Down Downs were awarded to the non-runners, Great Barrier Queef and Cumz out my Nose.  Accuprick brought up Wicked Retahted for not understanding Boston terminology.  He thought having a “pissah” of a night, meant that he had to take a piss.  Just Shane was recognized for having beer socks.   Just Rosie was welcomed to her second Surf City hash sporting her riding club jacket from Texas.  Just as the Best Lampshade award was in progress of being decided, our little party was cut short by the arrival of the Santa Cruz police!  So much for keeping Santa Cruz Weird.  Evidently someone did not get the joke and called the cops.  We must look like a scary bunch of derelicts, because they sent 4 cop cars!    Guess the April Fool’s joke was on us!  Note that the cops were more interested in our consumption of alcohol than the idiots across the parking lot with actual weapons fighting each other!  Anyway, no one got arrested, and we all went our merry ways to live and drink another day.

On On,

Shallow Hole

This week our Hare Couple,  dBASED and Occasional Rapist, summoned the pack to Don Quixote’s in Felton.   The Hares warned the pack they would have to climb over a 4 foot fence on trail.   Wonder if that anything to do with why some folks chose to skip trail and remain at the bar.  It was a dBASED trail after all.   Anyway, the majority of the pack headed out in search of flour.  After finding a false trail on Highway 9, we headed in the other direction and found ourselves on Felton Empire Road.  I was hoping this was the first and last hill of the trail, but I was wrong.  Luckily, some neighbors spotted the Hares and told us to turn right on what I think was Ashley St.   We soon found ourselves at the Felton Cemetery.  They always talk about the circle of life, well the remainder of the trail was a loop that started and ended at a graveyard!   We saw a fence, but instead of climbing over it, Broke Bench Mountain got it open, and we walked though.  The trail proceeded through the woods.  Someone made a comment about how the woods reminded them of the Blair Witch Project.   Luckily no witches were spotted and we made it through unscathed.  The next part was through the scenic forest of Fall Creek Park.   It was sure beautiful back there.   After going through some neighborhoods, the trail lead us to Highway 9.   We turned right on Blair Street.  How ironic.   Beer check was at the end of the road by the cemetery.

We had to drive to Pro Build for Religion.  AccuPrick was RA,  Vince Lamblowme  was appointed Beer Fairy.  Down Downs were awarded to the hashers who skipped trail, Pussy Galore and Great Barrier Queef.  Six of Nine was punished with multiple down downs, which I’m sure he didn’t mind, because he normally drinks shitty beer and wanted to make sure he got his 8 bucks worth!  He was the only one to pick up the nasty old tape measure on the side of the road, and someone caught him with his fly down.  Apparently he wasn’t the only hasher caught pissing on trail.  Vince Lamblowme, Cuff my Muff, Hairy Fuck 2.5, Six of Nine and Broke Bench Mountain were all punished for pissing on trail.  Dog Breath was awarded a down down for his upcoming trip to Gay Parie.  Pussy Galore joined him because she claimed to have just returned from Gay Parie.   Puff the Magic Drag Queen was given the (self- proclaimed) Dunce of the Decade Award for not missing a Surf City hash in ten years!  Get a Life!  Thmp-Thmp was congratulated on his 25^th Surf City Hash.  Slonad was (again) punished for taking over a year to complete the prerequisite five hashes to receive a hash name.   Occasional Rapist was congratulated on her 10^th Haring this year!   And last but not least, the Hares………….

On On,

Shallow Hole

Cold, Dark and Dreary Ben Lomond was the site chosen by our Hares DuHHH and Pixilated Obscenity.  A small group of hashers met on the heated patio of Henflings Tavern.   Seems like the smart ones, were the ones who skipped this hash and stayed home!  We had 2 virgins show up this week.  Virgin Shane and Virgin Kyle.  Probably the last time we’ll see them, too.  Not much to say about trail, except our hares decided to put a particularly long and tricky back check on a very dark Love Creek Road that got the whole pack lost.  All of us just wandered around the dark streets of Ben Lomond looking for flour.  Deep stroke, a local Ben Lomond resident, finally sniffed out trail and lead us in the right direction.  We finally found beer check.  Broke Bench Mountain resorted to auto hashing to find beer check.  I assume some hashers gave up and went to Hugh Heifer’s house.  I recently found out that our hares are both members of the same wine club we are, and they both recently picked up several bottles of killer Pinot Noir.  My theory is that our hares decided to ditch the pack long enough, so they could hit the Tyrolean Inn’s Buffet night and polish off some Pinot!

At least everyone knew how to get to Religion at Hugh Heifer’s house.  Hugh was named RA for the night and named TIMMY the Beer Fairy (or Troll, since he had on his big blue hash coat on).  Broke Bench Mountain was punished for auto hashing (kind of a smart move, if you ask me), Cuff my Muff was congratulated on completing her 100^th Surf City Hash!!!  She was awarded a lovely patch.  Virgins Kyle and Shane both told lame jokes.  Six of Nine showed up at religion to avoid paying his 8 bucks (again).  Great Barrier Queef was in town, so she stopped by for a beer.  Down Downs were awarded to the Non-runners:  Great Barrier Queef, Six of Nine, and Dr Nappy-Headed Ho.   And last but not least, the Hares……………

On On,

Shallow Hole

PS. Don’t forget the St. Patty’s Day Green Dress (or Kilt) Run will be Thursday 3/15/12 in Downtown Santa Cruz.  Come out and be Irish and drink some beer!

My little Bony summoned the pack to meet at Last Call Norm and Pear Necklace’s house.  This turned out to be one of the only good things I can say about this week’s hash.     My little Bony left his bar stool at the Double Oh long enough to join the pack for a beer, walk off, throw a little flour, and go right back to the bar.   His stool was probably still warm when he returned.  We know this because Virgin Kalena (friend of Pearl and Norm), stopped at the bar to use the restroom and spotted him sitting at the bar.  We found this out at beer check.

Anyway, the pack headed out, following a flour trail that lead us to the Shoppers Corner parking lot and seemed to end there.   Someone finally found flour way over across the street in the Buttery parking lot.   The drops of flour were few and far between for the remainder of the trail.  Some of the marks did not make sense (square around a fire hydrant).  The trail switched sides of the street multiple times, and was described as a cluster fuck, schizophrenic, and traipsing trail backwards.  We were directed to stop at a church, probably to pray for the trail to end.  We ran into a wacky Asian guy who was hanging out on the corner near a senior center, who asked what was going on, then ran away yelling something about promising us eternal freedom.  At that point, all I wanted was a cold beer!

Beer check was in the parking lot behind the Buttery.  The Mystery Co-Hare was revealed.  It turned out to be Loose Stool, an old friend of My Little Bony, who doesn’t hash anymore.  He took off before Religion.  Tiny Whiny Bitch, Hairy Fuck 2.5, and Cuff my Muff missed Beer Check and were found back at Pearl and Norm’s house.

Tiny Whiny Bitch was RA and appointed Cuff my Muff as his Beer Fairy.  Bony ‘s first, of many down downs was for a cluster fuck of a trail and received a lecture on how chalk is our friend.  Cuff my Muff took a down down.  Shallow Hole and Occasional Rapist were given a down down for writing lies in last week’s Hash Trash (not quite sure what we lied about though).  Wicked Retahted was punished for peeing on a fence and ridiculed for shaking it more than 3 times.  Bony was serenaded with a Lovely rendition of Happy Birthday.  Crimes on trail included Cuff my Muff for posting on Facebook while on trail.  Banana Basher  was congratulated on his 600^th Surf City Hash.  Back sliders Pearl, Norm and Loose Stool (Bony did his down down for him).  Virgin Kalena was introduced to the pack and told a lame joke.

And the Hares………………..  Give them chalk!

Many thanks to our hosts Last Call Norm and Pearl Necklace for letting a bunch of unruly hashers gather in their back yard.

On On,

Shallow Hole