Monthly Archives: January 2012

Hash 614: A Blue Balls adventure

In 1989 I printed around 52 Hash Trashes and was the scribe for a lot of runs. Since then, I think I’ve only written one. However a rant I wrote a couple years ago become the hash trash, so I guess I’ve really written 2. Back in 1989, the modus operandi was the hares recruited the scribe, who then presented their work to me in sort of fashion which I then had to transform to paper. In a years worth of work, I only had 1 scribe who ever missed their deadline. That one scribe was a routine contributor who’s life just happened to get in the way one week. Her hash name was Doggie Style. So, even though I was on a different side of the country for that particular hash, I wrote the hash trash. As I recall, every third sentence was “Fuck you Doggie Style!”. We had a semi-complicated system back then where if you didn’t show up to the hash the hash trash got sent to you via US Mail. The person responsible for sending out the US Mail tore off the cover page because she wouldn’t mail pornography. Oh the days!

This scribing effort started in Nicaragua where I spent 10 days with the wonderful Occasional Rapist, but only got to sleep in the same bed with her twice. I’m sure this must have effected my brain when I agreed to this task. She stated that her co-hash scribe was probably too over-worked and needed a night off from scribing. However, on this night I think Shallow Hole thought she was the Wicked Witch of the West and was afraid a little water might make her melt. Then, I return home and find that Puff has penned the last hash trash. This means Shallow Hole had managed to do some writing only once in the previous 3 week. Oh the agony!

I wanted to write that the morning of hash 614 started as a dark stormy. However, it didn’t. There was a beautiful sunrise. However, I knew the day would change, and it did. As the day progressed it got dark and darker and later in day I didn’t see rain, but I saw that the ground was wet. I imagined only the true Hashers, plus Puff, would show up on this dark and stormy night. I had thought Banana Basher was a true Hasher. However, on this night, even a few rain drops seems to have scared him away. Let’s see, if the weather holds up, perhaps I can pass him in the Hash count in nearly 3 years.

As I arrived to Hash I saw Occasional Rapist, Cuff my Muff and Zip’er Lips in the parking lot in some sort of bitch brawl. I heard Occasional Rapist exclaim “Oh the Drama!”. I never did hear what this was all about. Then Occasional Rapist and Cuff my Muff set out on trail, while Zip’er lips went to the bar to have a smoke and talk to Six of Nine. Hash 614Speaking of Six of Nine, he actually paid for the Hash again. I guess my rants against him not paying have finally paid off. On this night it seems Hugh Heffer was his keeper, as she later in the evening explained how she had no money because she was taking care of Six. How well did she take care of him? Hugh said he was due to fix a fan and replace her windshield wipers. Did he provide Miss Hugh other favors in return for her patronage as well?

As I entered JJ’s I got to meet our newest Hasher – Just Kim. Now attending her third Hash in a row. She even wants to do the Can’d Monterey Hash Red Dress in February. She has potential.

Earlier in the week Occasional Rapist had asked me if Hashing in Blue Balls park at night would work. Were there locked fences we could not penetrate? I promised not to let on about her inquiry, but I was pretty sure that was our destination.

As we headed towards circle-up and I informed Puff his services as hash scribe would not be need this evening, he asked if I could be the Hash Flash as well. It seems the batteries on his camera had died. However, I did see Puff carry his camera on trail. Hash 614Is it his security blanket? Or, did he think he might need to use it as a weapon if he encountered some undesirables in the wilds of Soquel?

After circle-up we headed East on Soquel to a check at Main St. I decided to play the game and checked to the right, even though I strongly suspected we were going the other way. After 2 marks and nothing (Hares: Please lay a false!), I found the trail the other way. Going this direction, there is only 1 logical way to Blue Balls park. That’s the locals only foot bridge across the mighty Soquel Creek up ahead to the left. There was a check just before it and I figured correctly it had to cross bridge. Once across the bridge, I waited to take a picture of the next Hasher to cross the bridge, Hash 614 then said goodbye to the pack.

At this point the draw to Blue Balls park was strong. Trail apparently went left, then right on Old Jose Rd. However, I turned right and found trail in front of Soquel High. At the check Hash 614there I went to Blue Balls park Hash 614and found markings.

Speaking of tonight’s markings, there appeared to be some sort of reddish pigment Hash 614in tonight’s markings. In the past, Occasional Rapist has used brown flour. I guess she has changed her ways.

Trail proceeded through the parking lot of Blue Balls park and through the scary locked gates Hash 614I had informed Occasional Rapist about previously in the week. For me, trail disappeared at the end of the parking lot. I searched up a bit Hash 614and found nothing. Apparently, there was a YBF there. I then decided to loop left. With the idea if the trail did indeed go up, it would need to come down and I could intercept it. If it didn’t go that way, I would head to Soquel  High and find it there. On my first step into the High School I found trail, running along the edge of it. The pack was now far off into the distance.

There are only two ways out of Soquel High. One would require the hares back tracking on their trail. The other was the exit near Soquel Dr. and Daubenbis Ave. Hash 614So, I headed to this exit, loosing trail for a short while. I found a BN mark Hash 614and Occasional Rapist vehicle Hash 614by the Lighthouse church as I expected, but no hares! How is it the trail was here, but the hares were not here yet. I wonder … Cuff My Muff has been caught pre-laying before. Did she do it again? Occasional Rapist would later neither confirm or deny my accusation.

I could see the beer inside her vehicle. A check of all entrances found a side window Hash 614apparently accidentally unlocked. The beer cooler was filled mostly with chick drinks (of which My Lil Bony found most attractive) and cheap beer, but I was able to secure a real beer in a Longboard. The pack arrived about 10 minutes later.

Apparently, there had been a rum check at some edge of the school which I just missed. I hares accused me of running by the wrong way,  I assume my trail map will prove vindication.

As we took the long journey from beer check to religion, Miss Hugh Heffer was determined to turn right on Soquel Dr. It took strong persuasion to convince her she had somehow confused my old house with Religion.

Now, on to religion and we noticed something has changed since we had religion here last. There used to be a building which somewhat helped hide our festivities and now there is green grass.

The most notable down-down was Puff for 600 Hashes. Hash 614He even got a patch. He can put it on his girl scout sash with all his other merit badges. I was congratulated for 475, Hash 614but just like 469, I received no patch. However, no one even noticed 469. I guess that’s because it was AGM night. I also got a down-down for potentially running the wrong way through the rum check and missing it. Although she already has a name, Deep Stroke Hash 614was rewarded for 5 hashes with the Surf City Hash. A few others were rewarded for something special as well, but all can remember were the hares.Hash 614

Since no has signed up for next week’s Hash, Timmy said he would be be the hare next week. He said to expect a West Santa Cruz meet-up. Probably Santa Cruz Mountain Brewery.

After that our RA for the evening of Vince Lamblowme Hash 614encouraged the small entourage to go home and get a piece. And I did. And there was much rejoicing.

Hash 613:I Fought the Law…and won again!


Yes, it’s the voluntary but reluctant one-time only return of Puff the Magic Drag Queen as your Scribe.

I am more than happy to pen the Trash this week as I consider Shallow Hole and Occasional Rapist far too nice and meek to ream this week’s hare-pair as they so richly deserve.

Trail began innocuous enough (as they usually do) beginning from fabled Britannia Arms in Aptos. That is, sadly, almost the only kindness shown us by Surf City’s most infamous hare-pair, that being the dastardly duo of Butt Balls and his (very) close friend Weiner. These two jokers have a history with Surf City that reads like a Who’s Who of Horror.

Speaking of history, here’s a short lesson. These two clowns laid Surf City’s first ‘live hare’ trail. A sheriff’s deputy, in the area of trail on an unrelated matter, observed Butt Balls attempting to get rid of a considerable quantity of cocaine by throwing it on the ground and running away. Or so he thought. He detained Butt Balls when he was unable to produce any identification as he was in shorts and tee shirt, not on his way to the grocery store. Unbelievably but luckily, Butt Balls was able to remember his drivers license number and as the deputy checked it out, he explained what he was doing. Things were progressing well until, in the distance, Butt Balls heard a whistle followed by someone yelling, On-on! Beads of sweat began to appear on Butt Balls’ forehead and upper lip making the deputy suspicious of Butt Balls story about laying a trail for a running club. However, once his license number cleared him and an admonishment from the deputy about his ‘bizarre and disturbing behavior’, he was turned loose. Butt Balls took off like a raped ape an didn’t look back fearing he’d see the pack advancing on him. He soon rendezvoused with an anxious Weiner. He related his tale as they laid the rest of trail.

Those were the good old days though. Now it’s 2012 and Butt Balls and Weiner continue to punish us annually as if it’s OUR fault he was nabbed by the local constabulary eleven years ago.

Instructions of Trail were relayed by Butt Balls while Weiner stood beside him trying not to laugh when he stated trail was short. When it comes to Butt Balls and IoT, his ethics are not to be trusted and his information not to be believed. After they outed themselves, the more experienced Surf City hashers informed those that have joined within the past year that both Butt Balls and Weiner are lying sacks of mud and neither to be believed NOR trusted.

Fifteen minutes later TIMMY signaled for a circleup in front of the Brit and introductions were made. Then it was time for the real hashers to say goodbye to our notorious short-cutters, Banana Basher, et al.,  who would do their damnedest to avoid setting so much as one rear paw on trail.

The first check was observed near the railroad tracks on Aptos Creek Road. Marker was located heading towards the Forest of Nisene Marks but ended with false markings. The next few minutes were consumed by the proverbial Chinese fire drill as hashers ran willy-nilly like the Keystone Cops sniffing for trail. Eventually, trail was located up Aptos Creek Road but shy of the false markings and on-right. This use of false markings/back check was deemed unacceptable and would net the hares a down-down during Religion.

Trail led the litter along a dirt road and onto Granite Way to a check at Cathedral Drive. Most guessed on-right and were correct and they guessed the same at the next check at Trout Gulch Road. Just shy of Soquel Drive marker made the merry members of this madness on-left onto Valencia Street. When Valencia came to the railroad tracks we were told to begin some cross-tie walking. On-left we went onto the tracks and over Highway 1 on a rickety old train trestle. Little Anal Annie was forced to carry dog Farley as he balked at crossing the trestle where he could see through the grating to the road below.

Just across the trestle, a check was solved and the troops turned on-right onto a narrow, debris-cluttered locals-only path between two houses that led us to the criminally-steep on-up of Carrera Circle which was topped by a check at the intersection with Shoreview Drive. On-right was surmised and was correct, confirmed by Annie’s distinctive whistle. Shoreview curves on-left and morphs into Aptos Beach Drive. The next check was at Spreckles Drive.

This check proved problematic for some reason. Eventually solved though, the harried herd headed on-right on Spreckles. Spreckles heads on-down and curves on-right back towards Highway 1. A check at Seacliff Drive East fooled no one but Puff, the rest of the pack headed on-up Spreckles and were then forced on-up a hill at Soquel Drive and on-left onto the tracks. Not far along the tracks, a hole in the always-cut-open fence gave the pack entry to a small shopping center. From there it was up the steps to Aptos Rancho Shopping Center and behind the building to State Park Drive.

Even though we were aware Religion would be in Little Anal Annie’s Garden Paradise, we were questioning if Beer Check would be there as well. After eliminating all other possibilities, we trudged on-up Sunset Way and found marker that delivered us to Annie and Butt Balls’ home.

Upon the arrival of our DFL trio, Canadian Penny Slut, Bang My Blister and Cuff My Muff, Religious Adviser Accuprick appointed Pixilated Obscenity as Beer Fairy and religion was convened.

Here is a sampling of the judgments passed tonight by the RA: Today Is Monday for foolishly driving all the way from San Jose, Thmp-Thmp for his Liberace impression by wearing a gold lame jacket, Broke Bench Mountain for peeing in Butt Balls’ yard, Penny Slut, Blister and Muff for being DFLs, Daddee’s Little Helmet and Mother’s Little Felcher as our Mama & Papa team, Butt Balls for his improper false/back check, DuuHHH for arriving very late again, Deep Stroke for not wearing any hash attire, Just Kim for shaking her butt as she trudged along the railroad tracks, Butt Balls for the (semi) successful completion of his 50th haring for us and Vince Lamblowme for not paying attention in circleup to what was going on with Religion. There were probably more but those people did not contribute to the success of this hash so I have purposely ignored them. I find it difficult to feel sorry for hashers when I witness such opulent self-destruction. I feel certain most of my kennel mates have had hangovers so majestic they would kneel before them and weep.

On-on-on was back at the Brit, much to the chagrin of management I imagine. Luckily for them, many hashers stayed at Butt Balls & Annie’s to pester them instead of returning to the Brit.

By Special Appointment of His Royal Majesty “G”, this Hash Trash has been compiled and printed by permission of no one other than the author at Santa Cruz, Ca., or elsewhere if need be, on this, the fifteenth day of January in the year of our Hash two-thousand twelve.


Puff the Magic Drag Queen

Hash # 612: The Creature from the Neary Lagoon Hash 1/5/12

For the first hash of 2012, the pack headed to downtown Santa Cruz.  Our Hare, Broke Bench Mountain, chose Hula’s Island Grill and Tiki Room as the meet up spot.  He brought a co-hare this week, Just Bennett, instead of his trusty dog Porter.   Speaking of dogs, our Prunetucky resident, Dog Breath resurfaced after 4 months!  He ordered himself a blue girlie drink at the bar and claimed he’d been traveling to Europe and Asia for work and picking up trash on the side of the highway (just for fun).  Banana Basher returned from his “hash free” holiday with his liver rested and ready to make up for lost time.  Six of Nine “officially” hashed this week.   Puff took a photo to prove he actually paid his 8 bucks (and as evidence, if his $ was counterfeit).  Deep Stroke brought a virgin with her.  Virgin Kim teaches deaf children, so naturally she fit right in with our pack of half minds.  After circle up in front of Hula’s, the pack followed a hare arrow left on Cathcart St and after a bit of trouble solving the first check on Cedar, someone yelled “on on” and everyone headed left down Lincoln, to Chestnut, and left on Walnut, and found ourselves at Santa Cruz High School.  The trail lead out to California St, into the depths of Neary Lagoon.  It was dark and a bit freaky when the pontoon walkway started moving under our feet.  No creatures were spotted, but we did scare a bunch of stoned teenagers who were back there partying.  The trail went through the parking lot of an apartment complex and out to Laurel St.   Beer check was in Just Bennett’s backyard.  Hugh Heifer, Canadian Penny Slut, Six of Nine and Virgin Kim mysteriously got there first by “getting lost” and short cutting trail.  Luckily, they left a few beers for the rest of the pack.  Hairy Potter impressed Virgin Kim with his knowledge how to say curse words in sign language.

Religion was at the Front St. parking garage.  Banana, Vince Lamblowme and Choka- cola
skipped the beer check (and most of trail), and were already there drinking when the rest of the pack arrived.  Vince Lamblowme took over his Co-Religious Advisor position, and appointed the lovely Choka- cola as his Beer Fairy.  Hugh Heifer was congratulated for her 200 th hash with Surf City (someone owes her a patch by the way).  Banana Basher, Dog
Breath, Vince Lamblowme were punished for being backsliders.  Virgin Kim disappointed the pack by telling a lame joke and “her sponsor” Deep Stroke did her down down with her.   Banana Basher, Hugh Heifer, Canadian Penny Slut, and Six of Nine were chastised for short cutting trail.    And the hares…………….Broke Bench Mountain (The Creature from Neary Lagoon) and Just Bennett for laying a shitty trail.

On On,

Shallow Hole

Hash 611

This hash was up North in the beautiful but shit ass cold mountains of Boulder Creek. Joe’s bar is a fixture of this community. “If you haven’t been to Joe’s, you haven’t been to Boulder Creek!” Hashing up here is when we see the local SCH3 hasher’s, backslider’s they were: Pussy Galore, Goldicock’s, Duuuh, Broken shaft, Broke bench and Comes out my nose, even Just Linda decided to return hash #2 (she lives close too). This was a birthday hash for Hairy fuck 2.5, whom hared this shitty run with Pussy Galore. We had a GREAT turnout 22 of us. Heck we even had two visitor’s, Just Felipe from Portland (3rd hash ever anywhere), and his side kick Virgin Court, from NYC but they we’rent noticed until religion or was it beer check? We ran circles around Hwy 9 and 236. ‘Where the cow roam’ was a killer hot buttered run check-TIMMY! was heard yelping “Warm’s your cockles!” . Then with a BN signage! we stopped at Broken shaft & Comes out my nose’s abode on Francis Dr. for some cold brews. This is where we realized that the trail had turned to the Dog’s! Shit everyone whom lives in the mountains has a dog! The pack then scampered toward’s Duuuh’s house on Davidson way for religion. RA Broken shaft let on the charm, down down’s for just about anything he could think of! Backslider’s, crimes on trail, heck even Princess Di-arrhea got down down for beastiality hat (no dog) Hot wheels was scared of the foot bridge we crossed, Wicked retahted was hear yelling “I’ll RACE just Linda!”. Virgin Court gave a lame ass Blonde joke we all knew already. The fucking DFL’s Too drunk to fuck and Just shut up and run bitch! made last call at religion! dBASED whom made a comment his shoes are always untied, in which Wicked Retahted replied (in his usual wicked retahted manner) “My brains are always untied!”. And the hares!
Oh and Six O’ nine was not there!…..and so it was, The last hash of 2011! I hope you enjoyed it!
On…On…On.. into 2012 !!!
Occasional Rapist!