Monthly Archives: December 2014

Hash # 777: Friday 12/26/14 Krampus Hash

777astiYes Wankers, this week’s hash was on Friday night instead of Thursday due to Christmas.  A sizable pack showed up at the Nasty Asti downtown for the Second Anal Krampus Hash.  This theme was introduced to Surf City last year by Dung Fu Grip.  This year Dung Fu coerced Pink Cherry Licker to be his devil in crime co-hare.

If you’re wondering “who the hell is this Krampus dude”, check out his website at krampuswww.krampus.com .  Basically he’s the Christmas devil, or Santa’s evil counterpart.   If you’re not on Santa’s “Nice List”, Krampus will punish all the naughty children, swatting them with switches and rusty chains before dragging them, in baskets, to hell.   So you’d better watch out!  In Austria, Northern Italy and other parts of Europe, people dress up as devils, wild-men, and witches to participate in Krampuslauf (Krampus Run).  Intoxicated and bearing torches, costumed devils run through the streets scaring people.   So in full Krampus style, hashers showed up with horns on their heads, ready to raise hell in Santa Cruz!

There were 2 trails.  I measured the Eagle at 4.7 miles.  Occasional Rapist’s trail map was 3.96 miles.  Everybody started out going down the river levee, up the stairs to Beach Hill.  There was a Southern Comfort liquor check stop.  Trail headed down hill toward the boardwalk.   Luckily this trail didn’t go on the sand.  Instead, trail lead the pack towards West Cliff.  There was a check in front of the West Cliff Inn.  Instead of going up the hill, trail went right, across the bridge and onto Center Street.   There was a little tour of Santa Cruz High School, before going up Walnut and across Mission Street.   The turkey eagle split was on King Street.  Turkeys went towards the pedestrian bridge across Mission Street to Holy Cross Church.  The eagles went up Laurent Street, up a big hill.  We were rewarded with some liquor on the hill though.  Some peppermint schnapps.  Trail continued on Laurent to King and then over the Pedestrian bridge by Holy Cross Church.

There was a crazy schizophrenic lady in front of Holy Cross Church.  Perhaps she was hanging out in front of the church hoping for an exorcism by the priest.  Lord knows she had some nasty demons plaguing her.  Several hashers had interactions with her.  Some hashers thought she was on the phone, but she was talking to herself.  Dung Fu told an interesting tale of how she hugged him and told him how much she loved rabbits.  Then she asked him to help her perform CPR to revive her “imaginary friend.”  We may never know the fate of her imaginary friend.  Trail went down the steps, passed the clock tower 777barcheckand lead to beer check at Red (the high class upstairs bar).  The Hares treated the pack to pitchers of beer and appetizers.  I tried the rosemary and fennel French fries.  They rocked!  Hope Fap Jack’s reputation isn’t tarnished after hashers invaded the bar!

Religion was up on top of Oswald’s parking garage.  It was pretty cold and windy up there.  Fuck this winter shit!  Accuprick was RA and Fingernips was beer Fairy.  Dung Fu Grip passed out gifts.  We all got flash drives 777flashdriveswith hash songs and porn on them.  Paki Sak got a down down for hiding out in TIMMY!!!’s truck to stay warm.  Dung Fu Grip told his tale from the trail about the crazy lady.  We were happy to know that the imaginary friend survived and Dung Fu took him/her on trail.  Dog Breath drank for the imaginary friend.  Visitors, Today is Monday, Paki Sak, Popo Strip Show and Ska Skank Redemption were welcomed to the hash.  Herpie Hand Cock drank for being a backslider.  Dog Breath drank for showing up late.  Ho to Housewife drank for getting lost at a school 2 weeks in a row, and got caught at the YBF.  Puff the Magic Drag Queen was following her butt, so he drank too.  And last but not least, the Hares…………………………………….777hares

See you Thursday night, where we will be ringing in the New Year with Occasional rapist and dBASED in La Selva Beach.   Start location is Cliffside at La Selva .  Park across the street from 342 Vista Road, La Selva Beach, CA 95076

On On,

Shallow Hole

Trail 776 – The Picture Hash!

Hash # 776 started at the comfy abode of Occassional Rapist and dBASED where they decorated us with glitter and sparkle galore to make sure we were decked out for their Picture Hash. A few backsliders decided to show their faces, since it was the holidays and all. We were “blessed” with the company of Snapping Twat, Tiny Wanker and Dog Breath; all of which clearly had to be pulled away from whatever “better” things they normally partake in on Thursday nights.

The Hares

Before taking off, hares Occassional and dBASED and Hot Wheels gave some confusing directions and ended it with “you’ll figure it out”. Apparently they forgot what half-minds we are. Lots of questions went un-answered and then they took off…. in their cars….

Got a New Picture throbiin and shallow

The first photo we received was of a place right across the street where everyone parked, where we were quicly brought up onto AJ’s Natural Foods on Soquel before heading over to the Cabrillo Campus. It was a chilly evening right before the holiday break but the campus was still hopping with students finishing up finals and professors slipping out to their cars to entertain themselves with holiday libations.

Up the hill to horticulture

Once on the Cabrillo Campus we got a nice tour of the flat side of campus, visiting the Senson House then a trip over to the recietal hall, where everyone got frowny faces when we opened up the paper and it was the horticulture center. Thmp-thmp pointed up to some very tiny lights on the top of a very large hill….. On up half-minds. We weaved through the campus and climbed stairs and hills on our way to the Horticulture Center, telling each other this MUST be where the liquor check is. It would be cruel of the hares to send us up this big hill and not reward us. As we reached the top, we see Hot Wheels smiling at us and simply hands us the next picture… no mention of a LC anywhere. Since we were kind of winded from coming up the hill we decided to wait for some of the other hashers to join us, before headed right back down the hill.

Beer Near Bangcok west

Once the hares had given us the full Cabrillo tour, complete with the Sheriff’s Office (which I’m shocked more of you wankers didn’t know the location of from all your debauchery) we were lead over to Bangkok West for beer near. While we socialized we noticed a few hashers joined us on trail that weren’t there at the start. Pink Cherry Liquor and Fap Jack decided to try to get some free drinks in them at PCL’s holiday party before joining the hash. Dung Fu showed up somewhere along trail with his bicycle in tote… which was later thrown in the hedges by Dog Breath. After a quick beer we all headed back to Occassional and dBASED’s place for a warm religon.

Beer Fairy Snapping Twat

Snapping Twat was elected as beer fairy by Accuprick and soon the festivities were underway. First order of business was to discuss the growing black slime in the religion chalices. TIMMY was going by that old theory that alcohol kills anything and decided it would be OK not to rinse them after use. He was obviously given a down-down for his lack of housekeeping skills.
Late arrivers Dung Fu, PCL and Fap Jack were all given down-downs for their tardiness and Dog Breath for hiding Dung Fu’s bike in the hedges.

Princess Di(arrhea) celebrated her 150th hash analversary with her joyous expression of excitement “balls deep!”.

Myself, Ho to Housewife, and Hugh Heifer did a simultaneous down-down. Hugh was punished for bailing early on us and myself for loving on my chicken puppet.

Flip Flop on the Rocks

Last order of official business was to name Just Randy. Now, many of you may remember this jolly fellow who returned to us a few weeks ago after a rough first hash he had back in July. He was introduced to the hash by Wicked Retahted and of course, given very little info. “You know man, we just walk around and drink…” is how I envision it went. Well, what local would do this in anything other than flip flops? And this is how Just Randy showed up to his first hash, which crossed rocks and railroads. Needless to say, he needed months to heal from that trauma and came back for more. After debating between “wicked made me cum” and “flip flop on the rocks”, Just Randy was voted to be called “Flip Flop on the Rocks”

The pig bowl had a little extra beer after all business was attended to, so Dog Breath was brought up as the biggest pig of the group to drink up the mess.

On On and the Hares

And the hares! Our generous hares Occassional Rapist, dBASED and Hot Wheels (who ducked out of photos with great timing) were shamed for the campus tour, sheriff station visit and lack of liquor check on trail.

On On,

Ho To Housewife

Hash 775

It was the storm of the decade so hares Princess Di(arrhea), Stub Rub and Summers Yeast performed a last minute improvisation for last week’s trail. Cuminig in at less than a mile, they obviously didn’t improvise long.

Hashers were asked to bring toys for this annual Toys for Tots trail. The back corner of JJs bar in Soquel looked like a toy store as Christmas gifts piled in. Hashers would later drop that at toy check on trail.

Hashers at their charitable best.

Hashers at their charitable best.

As the half minds started out, Hugh Heifer asked if flares were allowed on trail and while all would agree it was dark, we wonder what sort of show she wanted to put on that needed pyrotechnics.

There was a last call to “Pull ’em out and touch your toys.” And Hashers grabbed toys for a photoshoot to prove they think of someone else at least once a year.

Trail started by crossing Porter and hashers huddled together under an awning with their toys in hand waiting for the light to change. They came quickly to a toy check at Redz Salon, the business establishment of Summers Yeast. It was after hours so apparently she didn’t have to worry about scaring away her clientele.

Trail then went up Porter toward the high school, where there was a check. Trail took hashers over the creek and around the block. High maintenance hashers Bacon Queef and Twisted Fister carried umbrellas on trail to keep their pretty locks dry.

There was a hare snare just before beer check when dBASED surprised even himself by running into the hares. He had to ask the hares if this was a snare and they sure weren’t answering.

There was a déjavu beer check that looked a whole lot like the toy check of earlier. Only this time there was hot buttered rum, beer and snacks. Summers Yeast risked hashers never leaving this place.

More hashers made their way into beer check and the place filled up. Finger Nips was double fisting beer and hot buttered rum while she spied Twisted Fister and kinky dreams danced through her head.

Cheers to Wicked Rehtardad & Finger Nips!

Cheers! (Wicked Rehtardad & Finger Nips)

Hare Stub Rub confessed he got a little lost on trail…who knew that could happen on a less than a mile trail. Wicked Rehtardad lived up to his name and tried to tell ThmpThmp that his patch was spelled wrong. Turns out he was reading it upside down.

DFL Ho To Housewife straggled in soaking wet and a little tired. It appears she reverted to her Ho days and got “lost at the high school.” All assumed the dug out was calling her name down memory lane.

As religion started, Religious Advisor Dung Fu Grip informed everyone that they had to class up their act a bit because there were no down downs tossed on the floor in this joint. That meant the swill was left over for the next hasher…mmm yum. Hashers sure are a close-knit group.

Twisted Fister was selected as Beer Fairy.

Crimes on trail:

Best toy went to Twisted Fister who cashed in all his Justin Bieber fan club points for the perfume collection set that will make some 13 year old girl very happy this Christmas.

Puff the Magic Drag Queen was given a down down for 700 consecutive hashers. Get a life!

Puff getting a life

Puff the Magic Drag Queen getting a life

Pink Cherry Licker reached the dickntenial.

Pink Cherry Licker was called back up for bad spelling when hashers asked her how she’d like to spell her name and she couldn’t decide. Since when do Hashers ask???

Finally the hares Princess Di(arrhea), Stub Rub and Summers Yeast were called up for a shitty, wet and short trail.

Hares & Hare Snare

Hares Princess Di(arrhea), Stub Rub, Summers Yeast and their hare snare dBASED.

Next weeks trail will be hared by dBASED and hashers were warned to wear their Christmas gear.

OnOnOn was still to be decided cuz Hashers make their own path, assholes.

#sch3

Cock Throbbin’

 

Hash # 774 on 12/4/14

774haresThis week’s hash started at the Crepe Place.  Thmp-Thmp and Twisted Fister were the hares this week.  The rain had finally stopped and it was a nice night for a hash.  I was driving to the bar, and was stopped at a light on Soquel Ave.  I saw this guy strutting down the street in a white skin tight long sleeve running shirt and very short, shorts.  He went into the Crepe Place.  I thought to myself “WTF?  Is that guy a hasher?”  When I arrived at the bar, I realized it was Just Frank.   I hoped the trail would be short for his sake because he was at risk of some serious nipple chaffing!  My Little Bony made a rare appearance.  He stopped by the bar on his way to work.  I got nervous when I saw TIMMY!!! walking around with a full martini glass.  He did not have his TIMMY!!! Tippy Cup and doesn’t have a good track record with delicate stemware.  I heard a crash from behind the bar, but it was a false alarm.  The bartender broke something, not TIMMY!!!.

Trail started out by jaywalking across Soquel Avenue to the alley across the street.  The 774baconbeerpack was trying to solve a check when these 2 guys came out of their house.  At first I thought they were going to hassle us for yelling outside their house.  Instead they said they were from Uncommon Brewers and offered us a beer tasting of their Bacon Brown Ale!  How cool is that?  Sorry vegetarians, but it was pretty tasty.   I think they deserve a shameless butt plug for that.  Check them out at:  www.uncommonbrewers.com.  The check was solved and the pack headed to N. Branciforte Ave.  There was another check and dBASED yelled on on, so we went across Soquel Ave.  We ran around that neighborhood for a while, until we got to a liquor check in a little park on Fairmount.  After that, trail lead back down to Soquel Ave.  We were near a car dealership, Jiffy Lube and Walgreens.  Then things went to shit.  There was a check on Soquel  Ave that no one was able to solve.  dBASED found a false trail in one direction, but no flour was found anywhere else.  dBASED, Dung Fu Grip and I ran around searching in every direction possible, looked in parking lots, went several blocks on both sides of the street, but couldn’t find flour.  Most of the pack gave up and went back to Casa di Puff and Dung Fu.  Dung Fu and I kept searching, so we headed down to Arena Gulch.  No flour to be found.  We thought beer check might be in Fredrick Street Park, so we went through the gulch, through the harbor and up the stairs to Fredrick St Park.  Going through the harbor was cool.  A bunch of boats were lit up with Christmas lights.  When no beer check was found, we ran to religion.   Apparently the only hashers who made it to beer check were the walkers accompanying Princess Di (arrhea).  They got tipped off where beer check was.

774beerfairyReligion was at Casa di Puff and Dung Fu.  The Hares showed up dragging their cooler in defeat.  We’re a bunch of Halfminds. Don’t make trail too difficult or we’re going to get lost.   Dung Fu was RA and appointed Just Frank as Beer Fairy.  First down down was for the hashers who made it to beer check.  Princess Di (arrhea), Fap Jack, Pink Cherry Licker, and Hooker on Kronix, Bitch!  Fap Jack spilled his first beer, so he got a second down down for insurance.  TIMMY!!! was called up for not bringing hash dinner again!  Some of us had a long trail (6.4 miles to be exact) and were starving.  We knew we couldn’t raid Puff’s refrigerator.  Not much in there.  I checked.   Hugh Heifer offered to “train” the new Beer Meister, 774FRB'sbut he didn’t think it was necessary.  He gave some lame excuse how chips weren’t healthy.  LOL.  Don’t forget the chips!  We’re counting on you!  Hooker on Kronix, Bitch!  was called up for doing a Sanford & Son impression.  Who even remembers that show?  Fingernips presented Dung Fu with a gift.  A Detroit Motown Hash hat.  Dung Fu said it was his second mother hash and was pretty psyched.  Wicked Retahted, Banana Basher and Accuprick drank for not doing trail.   They went to the Double O to watch hockey.  Twisted Fister celebrated his 75th Hash Analversary.  Get a life!  Backsliders Six of Nine, Fingernips and Princess Di(arrhea) drank.  And last but not least, the Hares………………………….

TFTThis week’s hash on Thursday December 11th will be our Anal Toys for Tots Hash!  The start location will be at JJ’s Bar, 4714 Soquel Drive in Soquel Village.  Hares will be Summer’s Yeast and Stub Rub.  Bring one or more unwrapped toys.   Even if you’re a Scrooge and don’t like kids or Christmas, or if you don’t want to do trail, stop by and drop off a donation anyway.  It won’t kill you to do something nice.  There are a lot of needy kids in our community who could use a little Christmas cheer.  It’s not their fault they’re poor.  Right?  Like Banana Basher said, Surf City does these charity events as a cover, so the community thinks we’re a “legit” running club, and not just a bunch of degenerate drunks.  So let’s keep up appearances and donate a lot of toys this year!

On On,

Shallow Hole

Trail 773

To the Ho,

Certain misconceptions apparently exist within your little half-mind pertaining to the duties of Hash Cash. Hash Cash is to flow in one dire-erection only, e.g., Take in money, NOT give it out. What do I look like, a friggin’ bank? Secondly, the Major Members of Mismanagement deemed your trail unworthy of reimbursement, consequently your begging and pleading for compensation was refused. And as far as any ‘interest’ goes, I have no interest whatsoever in paying you though I’d love to see you get what you deserve in the end…so to speak.

Toodles,

Puff MDQ

Hash 773 – It’s too bright in here!

Hash # 773 started at Beer Thirty, which was nice enough to open up their doors 30 minutes early for us hashers who couldn’t wait until noon to get their beer on.

First order of business as a usual hash is to pay the man, unless of course he forgets all about the money he owes you! Puff is getting pretty forgetful and forgot my hash cash from the week before. A very backwards situation here where the man who usually collects the money owes the ho money. I might need to get Puff a fancy pimp hat!

Beasiality Hash

After getting a beer it was mingling time and I immediately stumbled upon a conversation where Summer’s Yeast was calling out her (first) husband, Stub Rub, for beastiality with their dog. Yes folks, you read that right! Stub Rub tried to convince us he was just giving the dog a bath and it just got too excited but we weren’t believing any of it. Notice the hand gesture he is using in the photo above to describe what happened. Twisted Fister was getting a little nervous the Virgins were going to be scared off by this conversation but after what we saw at religion from one of these virgins I’m not sure much would put them off. Even Thmp-Thmp tried to confuse them with Chalk Talk, but they stuck around!

VIRGINS

After that conversation everyone was ready to circle up and head out on trail. We were promised shopping on trail, which I never found. I guess that’s not a bad thing since Puff forgot my money :) You know there’s interest on that, right Puff?

YBF

One thing that all the hashers DID find was the shittily located YBF up a hill next to highway 1. All of us half-minds climbed the side of the hill and ducked under the cyclone fence only to be told “turn around suckers”, which we tried to quickly do before the PO PO spotted us on the side of the freeway. Drivers seemed to be locked into their destination of Black Friday shopping so we got very few honks and waves, despite our behavior.

Thankfully the hares kindly put the LC a short distance away from the YBF, so we quickly forgot about the YBF and swapped spit like it’s not the middle of cold and flu season. We were filled with Fireball, which we hypothesized would kill any germs. News guys, this didn’t work and I am now sick!

We eventually descended into the Safeway parking lot on Bay and started heading back towards out start location. There were a few of us that weren’t that familiar with the area as FRB’s; visitors Little Dick Arnold & Just Robbed and myself. We soon found ourselves an arrow pointing us what I believe was Hill St and so the three of us go dashing to the top, only to realize we are back on the original trail. We ran back down to Bay & mysteriously a HUGE true trail arrow has appeared where it wasn’t before, leading us to beer check. The hares won’t admit it but I’m sure they heard us coming & hid until we passed. Sneaky sneaky little hares!

Arabian Goggler

Timmy!!! stood in as RA since Accu and Dung Fu were nowhere to be found and elected Arabian Goggler as his loyal beer fairy. Worm was quickly called out for being a racist & given a down-down with a less than enthusiastic song to go along. I’m not sure what was wrong with our vocal chords, but it seems they were all defunct after a day for binging and drinking the day before. Has so much gluttony consumed the other half of our minds? Quite possibly so!

We had a few visitors to pay dis-honor to as well. Just Robbed, the LAH3 GM, Litle Dick Arnold out of Can’d and Just John from Shenandoah.Valley. It had been like 25 years since Just John’s first hash, he struggled with the impending addiction for 25 years before finally giving in again

Next order of bid-ness was to get those virgins up in front of us. Just Foot Pussy made them both cum (nice one!), although Virgin Brian tried to convince us that he made himself cum! First we targeted Virgin Cody, who I’m pretty sure told a joke, or maybe it was a song? I can’t seem to get it straight since all I can remember is Virgin Brian’s introduction to us. He told us he was going to sign a song. Now, this is a song not everyone has heard but was easy to sing along to as the only lyrics were “Cowboy Butt Sex”, sang randomly as he performed drills of jumping jacks and push ups for us. I believe we got a joke, a song and a flash out of Virgin Brian. I later heard Thmp-Thmp tell him that if he gives us $24 we will name him now. I don’t think it would take very long to figure out this guy’s name :)

ANALversaries

We had some honoring to do (if that’s what you call it). OccasionaL Rapist was awarded for her 175th hash and Timmy!!! for his 450th hash! Get a life guys! On the note of analversaries, I would like to make a correction to one of my earlier scribes. I mis-reported Pink Cherry Licker (liquor) as completing her 25th hash (which I should have known seemed incorrect), when she was truly celebrating her 25th consecutive hash. More of my errors are coming…

Timmy!!! Next called for crimes on trail for which I immediately tried to call out Little Dick Arnold for peeing on trail, which apparently isn’t a crime! My bad! As the pack starts to sing me “El Camino” for my down-down of stupidity, Just Foot Pussy loudly sings the words wrong and is invited to come drink a down-down with me :)

PROJECT CUMWAY

We finally named Just Cairra! If you remember, we tried to name her at a previous hash, but were too brain-dead to come up with anything and tabled it…. for several weeks. Alas, Just Cairra returned! She said something about not being able to cum for so long because of her job…. sounds like an unhealthy work environment girl! After a little interogation PCL took her away and we threw out some good names but it was quickly narrowed down to ‘Liquor Creek’ due to her job & living location and ‘project Cumway’ due to her liking to get it on down on the runway! The pack went with Project Cumway.

HARES

And the hares! Occasional Rapist and Cuff My Muff were taunted for trail being too bright, not enough shopping and hiding from the FRB’s but that didn’t stop them from gloating & looking at us like the pathetic group of complainers we are (photo proof above).

Once all matters were attended to, the pack went back to Beer Thirty for On On On were shit got political before moving the party to a fry-fest at Just Foot Pussy & Bacon Queef’s house.

On On,

 

Ho to Housewife