First of all, Last Call Norm was originally a Monterey Bay Hasher. My recollection is she started hashing with Monterey Bay in the late 90’s and she definitely got her name there . She was the first Monterrey Bay Hasher to “discover” the Surf City Hash. She discovered the Surf City Hash because she found flour in downtown Santa Cruz and knew it was not from a Monterrey Bay Hash. The interesting thing is that when she first discovered it, she didn’t let anyone else know. As memory serves me (13 1/2 years later) somehow the info got out about a week later and with that the Monterey Bay Hashers started checking out the Surf City Hash soon afterward.

In case you don’t know how she got her name, here is the story. At that time, she had her name on the wall at 99 Bottles something like 40 times. 99 beers gets your name on the wall once. 9 X 99 gets you a bar stool. 25 X 99 gets you a brick. Go check it out. She has had a brick at 99 Bottles in downtown Santa Cruz forever. Anyway, besides all those times being on the wall at 99 Bottles, her last name is Peterson – like Norm in Cheers. So, Last Call Norm.

I have many fond memories of events with Last Call Norm. Here are a few.

I convinced her to run the Calistoga to Napa relay TWICE. I think she hated it in the middle of night each time. I was never in her van.  She even bought a vehicle specifically designed as the perfect relay vehicle. It was not too long, had beds and a toilet. One year we had 2 teams, some from Southern California and I convinced her to let a crop of strangers spend the night the night before.

She hated driving over bridges. She could not keep her eyes open.

The inauguration of her rec room. If you’ve been there, there is a narrow stairway up to the top level. Hashers were appointed the task of trying to get a couch to the rec room. Many engineers tried. All failed that evening.  If you ever go the rec room, look for the couch and wonder how it ever got there.

The animal house New Years party at her house in Surf City Hash year 2.. It was a joint Surf City/Monterey Bay event. I was not there, but I got numerous reports of an orgy that happened in what is now  Pearl’s “train” room. Because I was the GM of the Monterey Bay Hash, I apologized for the actions of Hashers, even though I was not there.  This was last time she has an over night party in her house for Hashers.

Surf City Hash 32 where she I got Hashers to go through tunnels at the Fish Hook. Read about it here: http://web.archive.org/web/20031027095908/https://sch3.net/ht_0032.htm#Trash

She was the Beer Meister for the Monterey Bay Hash and had a room pretty much dedicated to being the Beer Meister.

She was the first Surf City Hasher to arrive at the start in a cab.

If I have my history right, she was the Surf City GM from 2006-2008. During her tenure we passed bylaws and officially became a non-profit. It should be noted that work is now null and void.

The year I got divorced (2004-2005), I asked if I could spend half my nights in a spare bedroom at her house and she accepted. I might still have a key to her house!

Her wedding to Pearl Necklace. Not a numbered hash run, but quite an event.

Surf City Hash 700 where Occasional Rapist and I had our hash wedding at her house.

Wharf to Barf was originally a Monterey Bay Hash event (even before my time) that was Sunday only. We started at Neary Lagoon (with a giant condom) and walked along the railroad tracks to the start. I think running with the giant condom is how she discovered the hash. The next year and all years thereafter, Wharf to Wharf Racist started at her house instead.

Her kids did baby sitting for me for a period of time. At Hot Wheels 3 year old birthday party, when Little Spit was 2 weeks old, somehow I got word they wanted to come to the birthday party (which included a bounce house).  Last Call Norm had memories of her teen age children going to a birthday party for 3 year olds. I think we had a Monterey Bay Hash that day too.

Her kids have Hash names of Brave Fart and Fast Balls. They did many Hashes in the early years of the Surf City Hash.

Monterey Bay Hash 300. The Hash starts on the East side of Henry Cowell and ends on the West side of Henry Cowell. It crosses the San Lorenzo river 3 times. Last Call Norm falls and hits her head on a rock and gets blood everywhere. Brave Fart is 9 at time and doing the run with her and rather freaks out (as you would expect a 9 year old to do when her mom’s face is covered in blood). At the end the Hash, I get reports “Last Call Norm has fallen in the river”. Well, it’s a long way from where I am to where she is. I have an off duty Fireman with me (No Fucking Response) who at one point advises I call 911, which I do. They eventually arrive, they take all my vital statistics and hers, and she refuses services. Today, I’m amazed no fines were levied. Perhaps that’s because we didn’t mention beer.

So, here’s to you Last Call Norm. You were true blue!

We all should have known better when we received this week’s trail invitation and it didn’t even have the right trail number on it. These hares were confused long before trail was laid. We all showed up anyhow, at Ye Olde Watering Hole, with hopes that our $8 will get us enough beer to forget this night.

The pack quickly filled up the bar and mortals mumbled unintelligible grumblings as they fled the area. As soon as the hares thought we were starting to get tipsy enough to surely forget this shitty trail they stood before us and told us lies while Toilet Baby longingly searched the crowd for Puff, the keeper of the dog treats.

Once on trail, we crossed over Mission on Swift and started up the path after Escalona on Grandview, a common route for the hash. As we reached the top of the hill we quickly stumbled across a liquor check mark. Here is one of the first of many lies of the evening, turns out it was bum wine and not liquor at all.

A little distance out we reach a check that we find leads us up an incredibly steep hill, about 90 feet up over the course of 150ft. If anyone still knows how to do geometry or some shit, you can figure out the incline percentage there and likely be impressed. Math is hard. We approach the top of the hill to a chalk mark of STFU, which we were told about at the bar. When we see this we are to Shut The Fuck Up! As the pack circles around I hear someone yelling, What does STFU mean? Oh, Shut the Fuck Up!” I guess although they can read they cannot comprehend, we are only half-minds after all. Trail leads us into someone’s backyard and when Dog Breath figures this out he turns the pack around, not wanting to trespass. Perhaps Dog Breath has been traveling so much recently that he forgets we LOVE trespassing! As I’m coming down the hill I feel branches and leaves hitting my legs, but as I’ve never had poison oak after being exposed I saw no harm in this, I had assumed I wasn’t allergic. Hey guys, turns out I’m allergic. Oh my itchy scratchy! Anyone else with me?

Our alternate route to the backyard is to either climb over a barbed wire fence or wiggle through the gate as it’s held open by other hashers. I chose to go over the fence and as Puff grabbed, I mean pushed my ass over the fence Thmp-Thmp provided support so I didn’t end up face planted on the other side. In hindsight I should have gone through the fence, where Dung Fu Grip, Dog Breath and Thmp-Thmp pushed and pulled the gates apart enough for fellow hashers to wiggle through.

The next little treat the hares had for us was Miramar Hill. Most of the pack was convinced trail went down Miramar and ran down only to discover nothing. Turns out trail actually went the opposite direction on Miramar and took us on Alta Vista and across Nobel before having us come down the Bay Drive Walkway in the median, a big descent with some wooden bridges, dirt and pavement.

We weaved over on Anthony before crossing Mission via Olive, where the hares were kind enough to navigate us to a crosswalk for easier crossing on such a busy street. That was about the only thing they did right on trail. We cut through the back parking lot of some businesses then turned onto Palm St, which if you were as foolish as myself to not turn off you found yourself at a back-check 8 after passing over the railroad tracks. Turns out true trail turned right down Seaside before having us end for beer check at Garfield Park.

After we devoured the kettle chips provided by the hares we decided it was time to get to religion which was held in the back parking lot of the nearby Safeway. We weren’t there a mere 3 or 4 minutes before security started getting curious. Who takes off to talk to them but Puff the Magic Drag Queen and Hugh Heifer. We aren’t sure what was said, but it worked and we carried out an entire religion although I suspect the hares should not expect to get any cash back from this trail.

Beer Fairy for the evening was newly named Transcuntnanal. We quickly jumped into the public shamings; first bringing up Pink Cherry Liquor and Fap Jack for skipping trail completely and getting Chinese Food instead.

One thing that can be said about trail is the lack of visible markings, there was a false (barely) spotted on Alta Vista about 6 inches long hiding behind a trash can. When Cock Throbbin was interrogated about the size of her false marking her response was that her entire life men had been telling her that 6 inches was huge. With Dog Breath being the first hasher to have hared with Cock Throbbin and dBASED as being responsible for making sure everyone understands how trail should be laid were given down-downs for failing this hare duo of Twisted Fister and Cock Throbbin.

The few hashers that did cut through someone’s backyard instead of going through the fence were given down downs; Today Is Monday, Transcuntnanal and Drink ‘n Squirt.

There were two analversaries to celebrate. Hugh Heifer celebrated her 369th hash and TIMMY!!! celebrated his 475th hash and even though we didn’t have a patch for TIMMY!!! we celebrated and gave him a down-down anyway.

We gave Dick N’ Squirt a down-down for being a visitor before bringing up our virgins. Virgin Jennifer was made to come by Just Jessica. She said she brought us Virgin Jennifer so we would stop calling her Jennifer. Just Jennifer sang the appropriately titled “Like A Virgin” with a little help from her friend. Virgin Wendy was made to come by Just Mirit. Virgin Wendy gave us a bedazzled flash and later had her date entertain us with a joke.

And the hares!

On-On,
Ho to Housewife

Last Thursday brought us out to Monty’s in Felton, the bar that most refer to as “that bar across from Henry Cowell, right?” where we ran another shitty trail and helped Hugh Heifer pre-game for her beerthday which actually fell on Saturday, the same day as our Red Dress Run. Hashers filled the inside of Monty’s while all the “normal folk” rolled their eyes and started to slink into the back of the bar. The clock rolled around to 6:45, our hares not only hadn’t taken off yet, but they couldn’t be found. Someone said, “the hares are outside smoking a joint”, so of course the party moved outdoors to a slightly drizzling setting. As much as we need the rain, it would be great if it could not rain on hashing nights.

After much booze and other inibriators, the hares decided it was time to go lay their shitty trail which we soon found out they took quite literally. As we entered Henry Cowell we immediately started playing hop-scotch over huge piles of horse shit. It’s time like these where I wonder why there isn’t a clean up after your horse ordinance, similar to that of dogs. But I digress, let’s get back to the issue at hand.

There was a turkey/eagle split that I think took the turkeys directly back to the beer. The eagles got some nice trail running in with their game of hop-scotch before ending at one of the Felton covered bridges.

Once we got kicked out of beer check we headed on for religion. I guess someone thought we were trespassing. We were just hanging out, man. No dis-respect, man. Land is a gift to be enjoyed by all and ownership of such a thing is a human construct. I digress, yet again…..

Subsequently, we headed to religion which was appropriately held in a church parking lot. What a better place to celebrate our beliefs and rejoice in our blessings! Unfortunately, the church did not agree. They found the celebration of our beliefs to be rude and disturbing and quickly kicked us out although not before we got a few celebrations in. First, we shunned all those who ran the relay the weekend before, who could easily be spotted in their kilts. Snapping Twat, Shallow Hole, Occasional Rapist, dBASED and Dung-Fu Grip were all part of this catastrophic event and were given a down-down.

dBASED tried to call out Thmp-Thmp for confusing the word deer with tits (one track mind?) but don’t you know we made dBASED take a down-down too, just for fun 🙂

Next up we had a new face, Virgin Raquel, who did us a little song and dance. Perhaps it’s dancing that this church didn’t like since right after this is when we were booted from the area.

Back to Monty’s we go, where they take all kinds… sort of like the hash. We resumed religion in the patio area for the naming of Just Pauline and Just Dan.

Just Pauline is a grad student who studies lizards and gets really excited on trail for free wood! Since she’s a student she is broke and to make money she crochets pussy hats. Gentlemen, this is not a hat you want to get for your wife’s pussy but maybe something to keep your feline warm in the winter, cause cats are always in the market for hats. I know the cats I’ve had refuse to even wear a collar, let alone a hat. With this information we sent Just Pauline into the corner to discuss her name. The pack has given her the name “Pussy Wood”.

Next up we have Just Dan, who is also a grad student (I think, I could also be making that up) who studies inner tide fish with names like Clit Fish…. at least that’s what we heard. He has also traveled the world and has explored his sexual deviancy on trains around the world. Hugh volunteered to take Just Dan away while we discussed his name and asked him if he wanted to wait in her truck, since it’s her beerthday and all. Unfortunately, the pack was quick to decide on a name for Just Dan and they didn’t make it past the picnic tables before we called them back. From now on Just Dan will be known as Transcuntnanal.

And the hares! While Cum Lord couldn’t be found for religion, Hugh took in all the glory of her shitty trail. And while in this photo she appears to be barely standing I have a feeling this woman is just getting warmed up.

No one could say where this week’s trail is going to be and while yesterday I saw the announcement for trail 798, I’m still hoping someone will announce trail 797.

May the hash go in peace,
Ho to Housewife