Monthly Archives: April 2017

Hash 905: Booze and beaches (bitches?*)

Yes, the Gods must have been smiling on us as there wasn’t a raindrop in sight. I almost thought I was in the wrong state….or maybe just the wrong state of mind.
Off to a good start
Off to a good start

Nevertheless, I was looking forward to a little fresh air and a passing ocean breeze to clear the haze of anesthesia. Turns out that I did trail with Big Foot aka Accu…or half a trail because we were ordered to stay off the sand because of our delicate, fragile tendons. 

But I digress…the start was a clusterfuck…..tried to park in the lot but Annie and ButtBalls were shooing us away like pigeons in the park.


Guess they really did not want us on their shitty trail. Cars and trucks were being moved and relocated like bumper cars….practically running over dogs, gear and people’s toes! Then we had to play hide the beer every time the authorities drove by. That’s a fun game……..NOT!!!

So after all the re-organization of the vehicles and a little first aid for dismembered body parts, the pack was finally off…..but it became clear that the hares were not on the same page. Lots of different marks going in totally different directions. Of course, DBased was in his element. But we were not to be deterred and we understand the complex nature of their strange marriage so we just forged ahead….shaking our heads.

I found it ironic that the hares, in an attempt not to disturb the caretakers house had marked “shh” in caulk…however the incessant barking the homeowners dogs negated the need for a “shh” sign!??

Another chalk sign attempted to ridicule some members of the pack by spelling “I’m special”. Yes honey we all are “SPECIAL”… more ways than one. In fact the whole group is awfully special.

Most of the special pack meandered through the campground, admiring the scenery, the sunset and each others butts. Some found the LC…a tasty peach concoction. And then some Idiot left it on the beach…ARGGGGGGGGGH.

Finally, after an exhausting 1 mile trail, we met back in the bumper car lot to feast on Annie’s buffet of Easter treats. She did go out of her way to make up for the “trail”….by plying us with pastel M&M’s, pretzel mix, cheese and crackers, chocolate bark and some crappy canned wine highlighted by the festive solar lantern. A lovely touch.

Religion was a lively affair….lots of singing and songs and the usual beer guzzling antics.
A another Epic Surf City Hash!!
On On

April Showers (Hash CMIV)

April Showers are supposed to bring May flowers. However, I contend we’ve already got Flowers, so what did April showers bring us this week? I think just cold and wet Hashers. I always like my Harriets wet, so that is not a bad thing.

Junk Puncher and I left the house at 4:30 before the hash with pre-hash business to attend to. I had not been paying too much attention to the weather and the last thing I heard was Thursday night showers. Doesn’t that mean after the sun goes down? So, I prepared for a coolish weather, but not wet weather. When Junk Puncher and I finally headed to the hash start it was full on raining. I figured, well at least hopefully this is the last wet hash for some time. I had not had the opportunity to check on final hash business and it seemed unlikely the end to remain at Seabright beach, but without intel otherwise I parked there anyway. Junk Puncher and I arrived at the Hash start, Johnny’s Harborside, moments before circle up. I have yet to be inside this establishment and the trend continues.

When circle up commenced I saw Deep Stroke wave good bye for her car. As we departed

Hash 904

I saw Twat did you say wave goodbye too as she stayed at the bar. I imagine Wicked Retahted did the same. Circle up was largely up against the side of the building as Hashers attempted to remain dry as long as possible.

There was a barely recognizable check right by circle-up. I figured this was a bad omen. However, it turned out to be the only check that was washed out.

Trail proceeded up the West side of the harbor to a check at the North-West end. Would we take the tree over the creek once again,

Hash 904

or would it be across the pedestrian/bike bridge to Arana Gulch? Bridge it was to another check at the bottom of Arana Gulch. I figured trail had to go one way or another to the outlet at Broadway. So, I ran a giant loop. As I returned from my giant loop I came up the pack still try to solve it. Well, there was only one way remaining – down the other side of the harbor, and so we went.

A check in front of Frederick Street part resulted in an on-up through Frederick Street park, then another other check as we departed the park. I figured down Frederick St and reentering the harbor. Thmp-Thmp had the same idea and I followed him about a 1/2 block behind. However, this direction provided no results and we to had to reverse course.

At this point trail headed towards Windham and past Seabright to Cayuga and another check. Apparently true trail turned left in Cayuga here. However, I proceeded straight, then left on Pine to return back to the trail and another check at the beloved five corners – the site of many checks in the past.

Apparently trail continued on down Cayuga again. However, I went down Buena Vista, cut left on Idaho and once again caught trail on Cayuga. Cayuga ends above the railroad tracks. There was brief trail above the railroad tracks, then down and across to Pilkington. I was impressed with all the fallen trees behind the Natural History Museum.

A final check on East Cliff and I said to myself and Junk Puncher, the beer check has got be at the San Lorenzo river overlook – and so it was.

Hash 904

Our hares, Pink Cherry Licker and Fap Jack said the timing was excellent as they had arrived moment earlier.

After starting to turn into a Popsicle, I was glad to have my car nearby. Hugh Heffer joined me. Religion was to be held under the Glenn E Coolidge Memorial Bridge (aka Murray Street bridge), near the start. We figured it would take Hashers much longer to get back, so waited in warmth in the car for 10 minutes. As Hugh Heffer and I approached religion we saw it was going in full force. I have no idea how Hashers got there so fast!

Religion was cold because it was so windy, but at least it was not wet. I only remember 3 things there.

  1. We tried to name Just Wendy, but were too cold to do so.
  2. We almost didn’t name Just Chuck, but he got Pansy in the end.
  3. Hugh Heffer got a down-down for New Shoes.Hash 904
    Then it was off to Engfer Pizza so I am told for those that wanted more merriment. I went home to be warm.

    Hash 904

I know I have the Surf City Hash record for haring the Southern most Hash in La Selva Beach. I’ll contend it was also the coldest Surf City Hash. I contend I also have the record for the warmest Surf City Hash – a fateful date in Scotts Valley that is so long ago only Puff can remember it. Well, the Southern most record is going to be broken this week when Butt Balls and Little Anal Annie subject us to Virgin Hash territory at Manresa Uplands Campground. Official Operating hours there are until Sunset. Let’s hope the rangers do not come for a visit.

SCH3 Trail #903 Gildas on the Wharf.

Remind me again why we thought it would be a good idea to cram 40 hashers into Gildas teeny tiny bar that really only has room for 6 very thin people??
Oh never mind….it was Timmy’s “bright” idea!

Things getting sandy
Things getting sandy
With most of the hashers spilling out into the restaurants lobby and onto the wharf itself, Accuprick decides to set up his famous

brightly colored  kinesiology taping clinic on those comfy leatherette benches. Those benches that are supposed to be used by real patrons of Gildas waiting to get a coveted window table.

Cum you may not tries to flee the hobo infested tracks
Cum you may not tries to flee the hobo infested tracks

Dr Accu instructs CumFartZone to lay down on said bench with her ass up in the air and wiggle into some strange position just so he could tape her ankle………RIGHT!!!!!!  If he wanted to see her ass he could have just asked nicely.

Meanwhile the Mob bosses, aka Pinky and Fap are frantically trying to round up this unruly group to start this week’s hash by giving us the 5 minute countdown. 
Finally this rather large boisterous group assembles on the wharf for the start….and off we go….chasing down Timmy and Occasional Rapist.
Beer Check by Neary Lagoon
Beer Check by Neary Lagoon
Another weekly cluster fuck.
Oh Joy….but this time the group is easily amused by wandering around the empty boardwalk.
Bacon Queef and Pinky find the wooden cutouts of the mermaids, and place their heads atop the fake bodies to show off their coconuts….to the delight of “just wendy” and friends.
“Just Wendy”  brought along a gaggle of newbies, perhaps to curry favor with us for her upcoming naming. Perhaps like our home boy Steph (Curry) she could end up with some bonus 3’s….or like Fap she could whip up some smelly curry to fill our bellies with something other than shitty beer.
But no, her newbie friends decide that they can’t do the trail because they are hungry…so they bail out before we even hit the boardwalk. How lame is that! Get some new friends that can hang. Or feed them before the hash. Do whatever you need to do to take care of your buddies….we do need new hashers but seriously….not that badly!!!!
A little lezzie action!
A little lezzie action!
Anyways…back to the trail…that lovely trail which meandered over an elevated boardwalk over a dark lagoon with menacing sea creatures lurking below. Oh, my bad. That was simply Dog Breath waiting for some scraps.
On to the end…the bitter end…..the end that was just supposed to be an easy 3 miles….the end that was more like 4 1/2 or 5 miles…..the end of the rainbow below the railroad bridge.
That magical place where beer and beer fairies abound….along with visitors from foreign countries with strange accents and proclivities.
Look at these wankers
Look at these wankers

The end was raucous to say the least. I will spare you the details.

All I remember was some down downs….some BS about missing a bunch of atmospheric river events. Blah Blah Blah.
A good time was had by most.
All the best…….till next time.
Yours truly,
Cum Fart Zone.