Hash Twelve-16: Trail more horrible that Hallowe’en

Little luck,

This morning I was sitting in an overrated cafe in a trendy-but-shabby section of town trying to log onto a painfully slow Internet connection. In desperation, I tried to log onto wifi at a nearby McDonald’s. Wait,WHAT? McDonald’s has wifi?!? I thought I may wish to get a headstart (who said ‘head’?) on this week’s Trash but thinking back on last week’s trail almost put me off my breakfast beer. The Fall leaves are falling on me which makes me feel even more dreary. Before I could decide whether I wanted something to eat or a second beer would suffice, a yuppie couple sat down beside me with their feisty young male Alsatian. He immediately begins eyeballing my OP’s as if they’ve become his favorite chew toy or resemble a piece of raw beefsteak. Dogs are in essence red-green color blind. My shorts are red and I fear it offends him. I finish my beer and admit I can no longer postpone tackling the Trash nor do I wish to utter the Bart Simpson line, Eat my shorts! because I fear the dog will do exactly that(with me still in them) so off I toddle.

Safely inside my abode, I being to reassemble last week’s trail. The start was nice enough, Jose Avenue Park. We were here not long ago and it’s a pleasant place from which to start. Sadly, what followed was NOT especially pleasant. Many people felt the spirit of the season and donned attire other than their normal rags. Others simply felt the spirit and had an extra beer.

Wicked Retahed gets his bone-on

With our GM’s in absentia, dBASED did the honors of misinforming Virgin Manny about trail markings. More than once he said, This mark is somewhat like the other one but it’s different. Had I have been Manny, I’d have walked away from hashing right then. Maybe we should add, Never listen to dBASED to our other directive, Never follow dBASED. Virgin Manny was overheard asking his sponsor, Just Lauren, Is everything tonight going to be that damned confusing? Just Lauren simply smiled.

Eventually the hares, all damned three of them, were convinced to give Instructions of Trail. They did but, 1) they were confusing and 2) they proved to be untrue. Hares-out.

The next fifteen minutes proved to be a jumble of contradictions. Both dBASED and Accuprick claimed to have put the hares on the clock but that’s where the agreement ended. Both specified different lengths of time that the hares had been gone. Eventually they compromised and called for Circleup for Introductions. Their request ended up with vocalizations from the following: Steamy Baanorrhea, Thmp-Thmp, Princess Di(arrhea), Wicked Retahted, Occasional Rapist, Cold Smegma Kamikaze, Just Lauren, Virgin Manny, Fap Jack, Pink Cherry Licker, Jizziki, Just John, 2 Dicks Down, Just Danielle and Puff the Magic Drag Queen. We had a depleted canine contingency at on-out consisting of only Junk Puncher. Pack away.

Trail led the litter north to Capitola Road. This also became the first stumbling block. Hounds headed in all directions and most of them were gone quite a while with no on-on being sounded. Eventually dBASED returned from the direction he’d chosen and Jose Avenue yielded a false so it left only Capitola Road towards Seventh Avenue as a possibility. We plodded along and eventually found some sparse piles of flour and this took the troops to a check at Seventh Avenue. Another error was made here but this one is the fault of the flock, not the hares.

Notorious FRB Steamy Baanorrhea took an on-right at the check but soon turned back stating there was nothing in the direction. Many of the pack took him at his word and returned to the check. Marker was found on Seventh towards the harbor and off this group went. Luckily for another segment of the pack, someone crossed Seventh to the other side and found trail towards Soquel Avenue. This group took off on true trail while those heading the other direction had to wait until they found false markings to know they’d not chosen wisely.

Both groups were now headed towards Soquel Avenue. This lasted until a (rare) hare arrow led the litter on-right onto Bostwick Lane. Bostwick passes Green Acres Elementary School and then we were pointed on-right on Paul Minnie Avenue. When Paul Minnie ends at Rodriguez Street, a solved check pointed us on-left and across Seventeenth Avenue followed by an on-right onto Chanticleer Avenue. Not far along, our favored BN mark was seen and we were led on-right and deep into the darkness of Chanticleer County Park.

Beer Check in the darkened depths of Chanticleer Park

Once our business here was concluded, on-in was undertaken. Most of you would think trail was down Chanticleer, on-right on Capitola Road and then on-right onto Jose Avenue to Cum You Will Not’s abode. However, the hares were not done jerking us around. True trail went on-right onto Sixteenth Avenue, on-left onto Webster Street and then on-left onto Jose Avenue. Only the biggest half-minds amongst us actually took this trail while most others did the aforementioned one. Eventually though, one and all ended up at Cum You Will Not’s.

Once reassembled, many hashers filled out tickets for a prize giveaway to be held based on how many of five questions pertaining to trail you could respond to in the affirmative. After that, Religious Adviser Accuprick cranked up his machine and staged Religion. Some of the results thereof are: backsliders were punished, Pink Cherry Licked rewarded for defending her class against a supposed shooter, birthday people were recognized, Danielle mocked for not having a box and those that swallowed a ‘clot shot’. Oh. The hares. They were thanked for the chili, the raffle and spooky movie that was to follow Religion but I heard no mention of trail. After dismissing the hares, the RA dismissed the pack. I hereby do the same for this Trash.

The preceding was a factual accounting of actual events though possibly not as they actually occurred. One should never allow the facts to stand in the way of a good story. Do not allow the profound to become the enemy of the interesting.

A Scribe’s sole purpose is to provide entertainment to their kennel mates. Whether or not they are successful in this endeavor is still a subject open to debate.

I chose not to complicate this Hash Trash with facts thereby allowing me to extract almost any end I desired. It was with this motive in mind that I recounted the events that comprised Hash twelve-16.

By Special Appointment of His Royal Majesty ‘G’, this Hash Trash has been compiled and printed by permission of no one other than the author at Santa Cruz, Ca., or elsewhere if need be, on this, the first day of November in the year of our Hash two-thousand twenty-two.

Submitted with all respect due,



Magic Drag Queen

Surf City H3 Scribe

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