Tunnels of Terror

I was looking forward to this week’s trail.  Puff the Magic Drag Queen and Dung Fu Grip told the pack we were starting trail at the Santa Cruz Mountain Brewery.  They have great beer and I love the West Side.  Then I saw this week’s trail announcement.  I thought to myself, “Oh fuck!  Where are those bastards taking us?”  We’ve hashed all over the West Side numerous times and I know that area really well.  They were supposedly taking us to less visited, seldom seen places that no one wants to visit.  This trail was supposed to separate “the REAL hashers, from the fair-weathered variety.”  I’m a real hasher.  I’ve been around the proverbial hashers block a few times.  Occasional Rapist and I were knee deep in mud in Savannah at America’s Interhash 2010.  Surf City has survived numerous dBASED trails.  He had us swimming in the mouth of the San Lorenzo River at the M-Word Run last year.  How bad could this trail be?  Despite the ominous warning, a large pack was brave enough to show up.  Ho to Housewife brought 3 Virgins!  I thought to myself, those poor suckers have no idea what they’re in for.  Glad most of the pack listened and brought flashlights.  Photos courtesy of Occasional Rapist, who served at stunt hash flasher since Puff was haring.

Trail was about 3 miles, but felt much longer due to the shigginess factor.  It started out the back of the bar.  After the first check near the railroad tracks was solved, the pack headed across Mission Street to Grandview.  I think most of us figured they would go into the shiggy.  There was flour leading up to Arroyo Seco Canyon.  But a confusing back check sent the pack on a wild goose chase.  After searching in every conceivable direction, someone finally found flour that went through a condo complex.  At the dead end, we were supposed to climb over a small fence, go down an embankment into a tunnel that went under Mission Street.  There was a bum wine check for “liquid courage” before the entrance of the tunnel.  Sorry Dung Fu, Jewish grape juice doesn’t qualify as liquid courage.  We needed some hard liquor, like Jamison or Jim beam for that!  There was a lot of litter in the tunnel suggesting that it was probably inhabited by homeless people.  Luckily no one was home at the time we passed through.  No water or rats either.  We thought the worst was behind us, but we were wrong!  It was pretty dark by this time.  Flour lead us down the Mission Street extension for a few blocks, but entered the woods again through somewhat of a path on the right.  I’m sure this path would be hard enough to traverse in the daylight.  In the pitch dark, it was quite challenging.  I don’t know what was worse.  Mounds of PO, getting scraped up by picker bushes, snagged on barbed wire or the second tunnel!  This one was longer and darker, but everyone passed through unscathed.  We climbed up a nasty ass hill to a field that lead us out on Mission Street by the cow pasture across the street from the Wilder bike path.  Several hashers got confused by arrows on the road that were part of the Santa Cruz Triathlon the weekend before.  Trail headed straight down Shaffer Road, went left on the railroad tracks and through another shiggy section of Antonelli Pond.  Once we got to Delaware Street, there was yet another shiggy section through Natural Bridges.  Not sure how, but everyone survived and made it to beer check down the road on Delaware Street.  The Hares probably feared lynching, so they put out a delicious spread of cheese, fruit, veggies and bread from Whole Foods.  Ho to Housewife’s Virgins all survived.  Just Luke seemed to enjoy himself.  dBASED found Virgins Kate and Jackson on trail and escorted them to beer check.  We probably won’t see them again.

Religion was in the parking lot near the start.  They put up a fence next to the railroad tracks, so we couldn’t have Religion in the usual spot.  Accuprick was RA and Cock Throbbin’ was Beer Fairy.  First down downs went to backsliders, Accuprick, Courtesy Flush, Slownad, and Princess Di(arrhea) was stunt drinker for her sister Cumcerto.  Cumcerto apparently went home because she got lost.  Virgins Kate, Luke and Jackson all told lame jokes.  Welcome to the hash!  We’ll see if they ever show up again.  Thmp-Thmp and Hugh Heifer drank for getting lost on trail.  They blamed dBASED for making them go the wrong way.  dBASED drank for being an asshole.  He dropped his phone in the bar and some girl thought she was being nice and picked it up and gave it back to him.  She called him and asshole for not saying thank you!  Where are your manners?  Courtesy Flush was rewarded for his chivalry on trail.  He waited for everyone at the fence to make sure everyone got down through the tunnel.  Dogbreath drank because he complained someone else drank from his dog bowl.  Grow up!  LOL.  Giant Asexual and Just Schuyler drank for playing silly games on trail.  Thmp-Thmp celebrated his 150^th Surf City Hash!  Get a life!  Get a life!  And last but not least, the Hares……………………..   

On On,

Shallow Hole

Trail 764 started off at Sante Adairius Rustic Ales, because apparently we’re all hipsters now. We appreciate a beverage that goes well with a pair of skinny jeans and an ironic mustache. They have beers with names like “Lucybelle,” “Maiden Fields,” “West Ashley,” and “Saison Bernice.” You know, real manly stuff. It’s also beyond Siri’s ability to get you to this chic watering hole. That’s so weird because it’s between a frontage road, a trailer park, and some creepy commercial space, just where everyone expects to find a place to drink after work.
Trail was brought to us yet again by husband and wife team dBASED and Occasional Rapist. They were flummoxed the week before when the incomparable trail brought to you by Bacon Queef, Fap Jack, and your intrepid scribe covered “about 2/3 of the trail they had planned,” and they were off camping all week with no time to scout a new trail. Boy did it show.
We wound back out of the bizarre little enclave that hides St. Addy’s and into a complex. There were some folks chillin’ with a few brew by the hot tub, having so much more fun than the pack. From there it looked like we might head back into another hobo jungle, but that was all just a clever rouse to slow us down before spitting us back onto the streets. We hit the first of the few checks on arduous trail and ended up heading south on the frontage road. Fap Jack and I went down that way for quite some time before getting bored and giving up, so everything else I say about trail is only rumor. I hear that trail eventually veered off the monotony of the frontage road in favor of the monotony of some railroad tracks, and that on those tracks dBASED was snared not once, but twice by his own offspring, Hot Wheels. I see pictures of people running on New Brighton State Beach, so through my powers of deduction, I say trail probably went through there. I met back up with the pack as trail came back around toward the brewery to a beer check down a side street. We were too loud for the neighbors and had to pack it in and head for religion.
TIMMY!! served as RA and chose Waxipad as his beer fairy. Then it was time for down downs. Our GMs were called up for making us circle up in mud puddles. All of the harriettes got very excited when TIMMY called up Virgin Ben and gave him his choices, but all we got was a lame joke. Hot Wheels and dBASED debated the merits of the snare. The hares drank for their shitty trail.
It was a pretty typical religion, until Moose Knuckle (extreme backslider) announced an auction for who could drink the most cans of down down beer in order to win a t-shirt. Well this is America after all, land of doing-whatever-it-takes-to-win-a-t-shirt. There were several bidders, but it was Fuckedover Fest who finally got to down six cans of warm, shitty beer in order to win a shitty t-shirt. Then it was off to Burger for on on on and a chance to soak up some of that beer.

Two namings took place on this night. After much diliberating drunk drinking, we came up with two great ones.  Trail start was at Beer Thirty, we love this place, especially when we get the outside all to ourselves. Trio of hares, Bacon Queef (virgin haring!), PCL and Fap Jack. We had 2 visitor’s from LAH3, Damien the Antichrist and his spouse Pot Ho, they looked like they had fun. We had a virgin, Giant Asexual made cum, Virgin Schuyler, now with a name like that we will have fun naming you in the near future:).  Trail was ultra shitty, that’s what happen’s when hares are in the odd number. To note though, was how Bacon Queef being a virgin hare and all, calmly explained to a security guard/cop at a mobile home park what the hell she was doing.  Keep calm and just throw flour! LOL. I measured trail and from what I remember it was like 3.8. Many short cutted the last loop around the Wharf road/school. I didn’t! Everyone missed a different loop, but that’s a long story. OK, RA was TIMMY!, beer fairy dBASED. We had religion in the parking lot next to Micheal’s on Main. We congradulated Dung-Fu Grip on his 75th analversary with Surf City! Virgin Schuyler told a lame joke, but since he had many harriette’s lined up in front of him he decided to also “moon” us. We named Just Steve first. It took a bit, but….please welcome “Stub Rub”! It could have been worse, you could have been named, ‘You Bitch you Whine’, Yeasty Boy, Stumpi, Wiggy 9 Finger’s, Phantom Finger Fucker, McNubbin’, Stupid Queso, District 9? LOL. Just Robin was welcomed to the hash…as “Cock Throbbin’ “, you could have been, Cockin Robin, Nice Cock, 40 “P” cock, Small town pussy, High School Drunk out:) In the end I think both of these lovely moniker’s fit them well. Up soon to name will be Just Kory if he keeps on cumming, and the hares!

On On Occasional Rapist:0

Old Dog New Chicks (and some dicks)

You know the saying, you can’t teach an old dog new tricks?  Dog Breath was such a shitty hare, that he’s been on “hare probation” for years.  It was way before my time, so I don’t know what evil crimes he inflicted on Surf City.  I’d love to know the juicy details though.  Maybe some of the hash elders can fill us in some time.  So I wondered, can two virgin hares, right some wrongs, and set him free from probation?  Maybe Ho to Housewife and Just Robin could knock some sense in his half mind.  The pack was probably leery to show up at the Mediterranean this week.  We had Virgin Jae, who just moved here from Korea a week ago.  The other virgin was virgin Jennifer, sister of Just Foot Pussy.  Piss Pile was visiting from Hawaii.

Trail was about 4 miles and started with railroad tracks, a Nisene Marks tease and a back check down to Aptos Village Park.  I pity the poor FRB’s who had to run back up that hill.  True trail lead down Spreckles Drive towards Rio del Mar.  Instead of going to the beach, trail lead us left up a big ass hill!  Luckily there was a sofa left out for the trash, so hashers could take a rest stop.  Trail looped around and went back down Rio del Mar Blvd to a liquor check on the beach.  The hares decided to punish the pack with a shoots and ladders workout!  They lead us up the 150+ stairs, back down to Seacliff Beach and up the other flight of stairs by the RV campground.  Were your glutes burning?  Mine sure were!  If that wasn’t enough, they took us on a circle jerk around the neighborhood to beer check at Just Robin’s house.  It was a really cool house.  Her landlord has probably banned us from ever returning!

Religion was in the usual spot behind the Med.  Accuprick stayed at the bar and was good and loaded by the time the pack arrived.  Hugh Heifer claimed to have a knee injury so she met us a religion.  Accuprick was RA and named Virgin Jennifer his Beer Fairy.  The first down down went to the brother and sister team of Just Foot Pussy and Virgin Jennifer.  Next, were the virgins.  Fucked Over Fest made Virgin Jae cum.  He showed his butt!  Virgin Jennifer told a lame joke.  Heard it!  Piss Pile was called up for being a visitor from Hawaii.  He doesn’t drink, so Dog Breath was his stunt drinker.  Accuprick accused himself of being a backslider.  Accuprick, Fap Jack and Pink Cherry Licker drank for missing the beer and liquor checks.  dBASED drank for being too stupid to find the liquor check.  Hugh Heifer drank for showing up at the end.  Lovebirds Fap Jack and Pink Cherry Licker were called up.  They chose to snuggle and watch the sunset instead of doing trail.  Good choice if you ask me!  I was called up for stretching my sore glutes at beer check.  We had a naming!  Just Paul was named Groucho Cocks!  He’s a grouchy SOB and brought his bag of dick noses to the hash to take a group photo with them.  The pack tried to name Just Robin, but were unsuccessful.  Instead we sang her Happy Birthday!  So let’s get to know her better and get some good dirt on her!  And last but not least, and the hares………..

Next stop, 9/18/14 at Beer Thirty in Soquel, where we will be pursuing the threesome of Bacon Queef, Fap Jack, and Pink Cherry Licker.  God help us!  Bring a headlamp or flashlight.  It’s getting dark earlier halfminds!

On On,

Shallow Hole