Twas’ the night before Halloweenie, some half minds set out to hash
Bunch of creepers end up showing, some of them got a bit smashed

Hash 769 will never live up to it’s expectations but there was plenty of trick or treating along the way.

We started out at the home of Occasional Rapist and dBASED, where hashers showed up in costumes ranging from innocent cuddly ones such as Slow Nad’s bunny get-up and the more frightening Cock Throbbin’s Banshee. While mingling I overheard Stub Rub and Summer’s Yeast having the old spit or swallow argument, she immediately started whining so I stopped listening and took off for the table of refreshments provided, which I think was just Occasional and dBASE trying to clean out their fridge before taking off for Vegas for the next few days.

Hares Shallow Hole and Occasional Rapist soon took off, but not before making big promises of a good time to be had. LIARS!! Soon after the pack circled up we came to our first check, where we found it to be littered with what I believe the hares intended to be candy. It looked to me like candle wax in the shape of pumpkins, but I saw several hashers picking these balls of wax up off the ground and eating them while raving about their deliciousness.

Once setting into trail, one couldn’t help but notice how dark it was. Flashlights! I’m not good at the memory game either guys, so I get it! Not only is it difficult to remember what day of the week the hash is on, then to make sure you aren’t arrested for indecent exposure while out (Just Foot Pussy pushed the envelope on this one this week) and to bring your $8 but make sure you remember that flashlight too! Put it in your car, write on your door, do something you half-mind!

The hares had tricks in store for us to go along with their balls of wax. A first attempt at scaring us by dBASED, Pink Cherry Licker, Hugh Heifer and Fap Jack was quite unsuccessful as the pack was pretty grouped up still. Then, later down trail while Cock Throbbin’ and I were running and having some good old racist conversation thinking no one was around, dBASED jumped out from behind a tree and nearly had both of us climbing up it!

Trail wrapped us down into the Capitola Esplanade and up a mighty little hill to a back check that lead us back into a little single track dirt trail then into liquor check. The Jello Shots at LC were quite a hit, as hashers perhaps hung out here a bit longer than the normal LC and had an extra shot or two and then maybe couldn’t stand up to do down-downs during religion, I’m not mentioning any names (Pink Cherry Licker). Trail was a little difficult to find leaving LC but as tough as Puff might want us to think he is, he quite delicately helped both myself and Cock Throbbin over the wooden fence leaving the park, he said it looked like we were struggling, I think he just wanted to align himself properly for up-skirt photos he takes for his personal collection.

As we returned into residential area, we were reminded how much Santa Cruz loves Halloween with many houses set up more elaborate than most homes at Christmas. Before long we were back to where we started and we all found our way to the beer. While waiting for the entire pack to show up hashers were HOT and pieces of costumes started coming off, one of these was Just Kory’s wig. When the wig came off the heat just started releasing from his body and his head actually started to steam! Big, huge clouds of steam were pouring off the top of this guy’s head!

Off to religion we go! All the hashers snuggled into the backyard of the starting point and soon Dung Fu took off as RA in his party animal costume, selecting Just Foot Pussy as Beer Fairy in his very appropriate Umbrella Girl costume. Did anyone else notice his need to continually show us his silver under-shorts?

I can’t even remember how it happened but Grocho Cocks was called up more or less tell us a story about an adventure he and Tits N’ Game went on to buy him some underwear. He’s telling the story and all of a sudden he has lifted up his costume and showed us his purchase which didn’t include anything to cover his trunk! Halloweenie was starting to live up to it’s name already.

We quickly moved onto the costume contest, contestants included Scarilyn Monroe and her Dapper date, a skeleton Dirk Diggler and likely a few others that I forgot. Here is where Puff and I start to have a difference of opinion, I believe the winner was Dirk Diggler, who lost his diggler out on trail, was the winner but Puff lists Hugh as the winner?

What does it matter? There is about to be more festive Halloweenie action! Next order of business was to get our fresh meat up there, Virgin Frank, who came dressed as Wayne with his best Party Time attitude and gave us ladies quite the show with a back and front flash as his Halloweenie treat for us. Tits’ says he’s a nudist, this guy will come in handy for the rare but sought after package checks.

Let’s not forget that we had a naming as well, Just Kory! Here is the next point where puff and I dis-agree. The picked Just Kory over with fascinating questions which seemed to always have similar answers relating to sheep and gonorrhea. He was making this too easy on us, so we quickly sent him away. Now let’s all recall to earlier in the story, where we have just finished trail, where Kory’s head is steaming wildly… don’t think this tid-bit wasn’t mentioned during discussion. We got it down to two names “Screw Ewe” and “Steamy Ba-a-norrhea”, the pack voted and as I recall it Steamy Ba-a-norhhea was the winner but Puff’s age is getting to him and he wrote Steamy Vonorhhea. How will we ever know?

Closing announcements were made about upcoming AGM, where Dung Fu tried to get me to do a slideshow that never really existed and then we were swiftly kicked out as our hosts spoke loudly of their early wake up time the next morning. Ya, ya… we get the picture.

And that about wraps it up folks!

On on,

Ho to Housewife

It was TIMMY!!!’s 65^th birthday and it appears age might be catching up to him from the looks of this trail. Virgin hare TitsNGame may be off her game too from the way this trail went down.

The half minds met at Ye ‘Ole Watering Hole. TIMMY!!! told everyone TitsNGame had a birthday coming up too. Her (first) husband Just Nate whispered it was actually last Friday. It is the old man’s 65th so what can you expect? Turns out you can expect many more questions from what we found on this trail.

Accuprick showed up with a tapped knee. No one asked what he was doing on his knees to wear them out, probably because they were too scared he’d offer to show instead of tell. I overheard ThmpThmp, Princess Di (arrhea) & Accuprick talking about eating like a man with two assholes. I didn’t ask for details. Foot Pussy showed up with a fanny pack to soothe his ass swelling. Again, no need to ask for details, but there was something said about a motorcycle gang. Summer’s Yeast had her new shiggy socks that declared her the wino we know her to be.

Trail started off from the back of Ye ‘Ole Watering Hole where New Kids on My Cock threw down Party Snaps to get the hashers moving. This Dementia Trail as we came to call it was a maze of back checks, missing liquor checks and half minds wondering aimlessly. As the hashers set out on trail, there was quickly a check followed by another check that kept hashers moving in every direction.

Liquor check was stashed under a bridge and while hashers found the LC, there was none of the famous Fireball Whiskey that the TIMMY!!! hashes are known for. Some lucky people beat the hashers to it. Bacon Queef was packing so some of the half minds got a LC at least. Others made their own by stopping at the neighborhood liquor store while they questioned where this trail was headed.

After that, trail went into the Bermuda Circles where some parts were never found again. There was a 5 back check, a 7 back check, and a 9 back check. At one point, hashers ran into each other as some came from the back of the trail while others ran what they think was true trail. Ho to Housewife finally just took off and found trail on her own. The rest of us suffered a little longer trying to find true trail.

Finally, everyone made it to beer check at TIMMY’S!!! where there was beer and fancy tiramisu and a rare Ms. TIMMY!!! sighting. Ms. TIMMY!!! accompanied the hashers on accordion as they sang Happy Birthday Fuck You to the possibly senile TIMMY!!! Pink Cherry Licker had put together a beer can walker to help the old guy out, it’s a good thing too because he probably needed it by the end of this night.

There was a rumor spreading around that Grocho Cocks picked up an abondoned phone at beer check to take a photo of his cock. Wicked Retarhdard said, “that sounds like a little problem to me.” Hashers considered renaming him iCock.

Religion was held behind Safeway. The trail must have really worn out Hugh Heifer and Electric Labia Land because they set up a cozy blanket and snuggled in like they were on a picnic or something. I overheard Hugh Heifer and Occasional Rapist talking about the missing liquor check and how they knew how to hide liquor down holes better than these hares. No one commented on that.

There was a resurrection on trail when TitsNGame & Bacon Queef showed up with the missing Fire Ball, preserving the TIMMY!!! legacy of making Fire Ball a part of the trail. Someone asked what Fapjack wore under his kilt, he said “several shades of lipstick thank you very much”

Accuprick was the RA. He selected Groucho Cocks as beer fairy.

Crimes on trail included Flapjack & PCL missing liquor check, Shiny Snail Trail for backsliding (who was nostalgic for her naming in this very spot a few years ago), Dung Fu called Bacon Queef out for Chivalry on trail and Ho to Housewife was called for finding trail on her own.

We had one virgin, Virgin Jo, brought by Bacon Queef. Timmy pushed his walker through the half mind crowd hoping Virgin Jo would choose to show a body part only to be disappointed with a lame joke.

We had a few birthdays including Timmy who slowly made his way up using his new walker, Tits N Game, Stub Rub and Just Foot Pussy. Happy Birthday Fuck You to all of them!

Twisted Fister celebrated hash 69. (Get a life!)

Hares Timmy & TitsNGame were called up and that made it a night for this hash.

Hashers went on to the Parish Publick House for on on on.

That’s the trash for Hash 768!

Dung Fu Grip and Fap Jack came up with an interesting theme for this week’s hash.  Instead of schwag beer and cheesy poofs, it was all champagne wishes and caviar dreams.  Instead of wearing the usual shorts and T-shirts, hashers were asked to dress up in formalwear and show up at the 515 Kitchen and Cocktails on Cedar Street.  There should’ve been a red carpet and fashion police!  Can you imagine Joan Rivers (God rest her soul) asking “Which Goodwill did you buy your dress at”?  I got mine at Savers.  I know why it ended up there.  The pink glitter was all over me by the end of the night and I left a glitter trail everywhere I went.  Everyone looked fabulous.  Harriettes showed up in evening gowns and cocktail dresses.  Even Hugh Heifer “aka the Hippy” looked lovely.  I’m assuming the coat was fake fur.  The guys did not disappoint either.  They may be drunks on bar stools most of the time, but proved they can clean up nice once in a while.  Dung Fu Grip and Fap Jack and courtesy Flush looked dapper in suits.  Even surfer hippie Wicked Retahted wore a suit!  Fucked Over Fest broke out a bright red pimp suit from high school.  Surprisingly, the outfit worked for him.  Now we know how he earned his college money.  TIMMY!!! and Twisted Fister made a half assed attempt at a suit and wore sport jackets with shorts.  Evidently a few people didn’t get the memo.   Dog Breath showed up in a nasty T-shirt and shorts.  Twat Did You Say? wore running clothes.  Broke bench Mountain wore a button down shirt and jeans.  Porter the dog didn’t have an outfit.  Puff showed up dressed like Puff.  Big shocker!  Who said OP’s were not formalwear?    We had one Virgin!  Wicked Retahted brought Virgin Eddie, who proved to be an interesting character.

Trail started with a little jaunt around downtown, then took the pack down Water Street, turned left on May Street, up to Emeiline Ave.  I heard a weird crunching noise behind me.  I turned around and there was Courtesy Flush eating chips as he was running.  He had time to stop at a taqueria and get a burrito.  There was a champagne check under a bridge under highway 1.  It was the very spot where Occasional Rapist got named.  Memories!  The flour continued down the Carbonera Creek trail, then along the Branciforte Creek trail.  Several FRB’s, Dog Breath, Courtesy Flush, Thmp-Thmp, Ho to Housewife and yours truly, got suckered into a nasty YBF up a big hill.  Those bastards!  There was a second champagne check shortly afterward and we forgot about it quickly.  Beer check was further down the creek trail.  dBASED claimed to “accidently” take a wrong turn on May Street and short cutted trail.  There was no caviar, but the Hares served up excellent bread and cheeses.

Religion was at the silver bullet (on top of the Oswald parking garage).  TIMMY!!! was RA and Broke Bench Mountain and his dog Porter were beer fairies.  Occasional Rapist was congratulated on her 169^th Surf City Hash!   Get a life!  Wicked Retahted, Twat Did You Say? and Fingernips were called up for being backsliders.  They all gave lame excuses.  Wicked Retahted had some toenail fungus going on, Twat Did You Say? was busy being a foster mom and Fingernips was busy traveling and fucking.  They tried to call up Virgin Eddie, but he had a paranoid freak out and ran away.  LOL.  I can’t remember that happening before.  The pack quickly forgot about him.  Best dressed went to Fucked Over Fest, Dung Fu Grip, Occasional Rapist, Fingernips, Ska Skank Redemption, Hugh Heifer and Courtesy Flush.  Ska Skank Redemption drank for being a visitor.  Fucked Over Fest, Occasional Rapist and Princess Di (arrhea) drank for using technology on trail.  They couldn’t help it.  The Giants game was on and it was the game they won to put them into the fucking World Series man!  Courtesy Flush was punished for stopping to get a burrito on trail.  Dog Breath, Thmp-Thmp, Ho to Housewife, Courtesy Flush and yours truly drank for being stupid enough to run up a big hill to a YBF.  And last but not least, the Hares………………………

On On,

Shallow Hole

Hash 766 started at Moe’s Alley, where we teased the local band with a big turn out but then left before they even started playing. The night started out with some interesting “points”. The first point being DBASED reminiscing with me about a previous race chaffing issue he had several years ago. “Just the tip” wasn’t anything to laugh about in this story. We all got a bit of a shock when some of our virgins from the week before returned, now Just Kate and Just Jackson. They claimed they had fun the week before, we must have done different trails.

Soon, hares Princess Diarrhea and Summer’s Yeast were off, the pack not far behind! The trail started with going through Dominican Hospital then ventured directly into the cemetery, similar to several other hospital goer’s routes before us. The lights were going down and the hares made gave us a “boo” big enough to make some of us completely miss liquor check, myself included.

The trail started to get into the woods and then the stairs came. Flashlights were a necessity or you had to keep up with someone who had one. In my case, this unfortunately meant Dung Fu, who I am sure was slowing down for me as I was struggling to keep up with him! The woods and the stairs went on for what felt like hours until we finally surfaced at Charminade, where Shallow Hole and Maxi Pad ended their days of unholy mattress acrobatics and joined together as husband and wife. There is only one way to go from here, it’s down. We ran all the way down Thurber until we saw the BN markings then what appeared to be a hare snare. DBASE says he snagged Summer’s Yeast from behind but she claims it didn’t count. At least that’s what she told Stub Nub. The pack voted and agreed with Summer’s Yeast that since the snare took place after the BN was written that it doesn’t count. I think it does count that when the FRB’s got to BN there wasn’t beer yet, but it was quickly supplied. The pack slowly started to trickle in, really… slowly…. In the meantime we tried to wish Giant Asexual’s mom a happy birthday, but he wasn’t having it. The DFL’s finally got around to joining us, but not before Virgin Taylor took off before beer check ended. At least he flashed us.

We headed on over to Bobby’s Pit Stop for religion and Dung Fu started sprouting Santa Cruz local foliage straight from his mouth. Apparently that stuff grows best with a healthy supply of beer because by the end of religion it had tripled! Backsliders Twisted Fister, Tits and Game and Just Sara were given down-downs, although I think Just Sara had her down-down come up-up the next morning because she and Occassional Rapist had hit up the previously thought to be closed, WindJammer prior to the hash and might have been a bit tipsy. Occassional was nowhere to be seen on trail and Just Sara needed Accuprick’s assistance to make it through trail without breaking her leg. Finally, someone needed Accu for something! He will treasure that night forever. Puff the Magic Drag Queen celebrated his 750th hash analversary and Dung Fu Grip is following in his footsteps with his own analversary. Get a life guys!

Next week’s hash will have us “Dressed to the Nines” and begin at 515 Kitchen and Cocktails, a place for only the hippest of Santa Cruz, where we will be twisted and turned around by hares Fap Jack and Dung Fu Grip.