Monthly Archives: December 2012

Hash Trash # 665: The Anal Christmas Picture Hash on 12/20/12

The Nightmare before Christmas

On this chilly winter night the pack invaded the home of Hares, dBASED, Occasional Rapist, and Hot Wheels.  I must say the place looks a lot nicer now.  I wonder why?  Our fourth Hare was neighbor, Cuff my Muff.   The Hares broke out a large selection of booze from their liquor cabinet in hopes to get the pack drunk enough so they wouldn’t remember the atrocities of the evening.   Virgin Griselda, friend of Occasional Rapist came out for her first hash.  Not sure what Occasional Rapist told her, but she was not dressed in fitness apparel.  Her stylish dress boots looked like they would give her blisters in ½ mile.   dBASED gave instructions to the pack with background music on his cell phone that sounded like it came from a porno movie.  The Hares took off in cars and no one was in a hurry to leave the warmth of the house.  Reluctantly, the pack set off.

The first picture was of the entrance of New Brighton State Beach.  No beach to be seen though, as the FRB’s found the next photo of Capitola Knolls apartment complex.    There was a little snafu in which hashers didn’t know they had to present the picture to the hares before they would be given the next picture.  Dog Breath was kind enough to run back and get the picture, so the pack could move on.   Next, we were directed to Shore Life Community Church.   After that, they sent us to the City of Capitola Corporation yard, where we found Hot Wheels playing with his cell phone looking bored off his ass.  Poor kid, he has 235 hashes under his belt and has not had a drop of alcohol yet!   The pack then went to the parking lot of Aprillia Motors (previously the Italian scooter place), where dBASED handed us the next picture.   The most scenic part of the trail had to be the tour of the Cabrillo Mobile Home Estates.  We ran into a nice young drunk couple who had heard of hashing before and may join us in the future.    Then we were directed to Plum Street, Brookvale Terrace, where Occasional Rapist handed us a picture of Noble Gulch Park.  Next we found Hot Wheels in back of the New Brighton Middle School.  He handed us the last picture.  Thank God!  Beer check was in the parking lot of a Dentist’s office, close to the start.

Religion was in dBASED’s back yard (also looking nicer these days).  Accuprick was RA and Dog Breath was his lovely Beer Fairy.  Dog Breath got the first down down for being a backslider.  Hugh Heifer was punished for not doing trail last week.  Her excuse was that she was sick.  Lazy is more like it!  Broke Bench Mountain was also punished for backsliding.  His excuse was that he was getting cultured at “the Theater”.  Deep Stroke drank “for still being here” and for stalking Accuprick at the Dentist’s office.   Waxi Pad showed up in “business attire” straight from his company Christmas party, and just in time for a down down.  Virgin Griselda was so shit faced, she fell down on the altar and knocked over glasses of beer, then sang to us in Spanish.  Schlong Division and Just Marna were chastised for refusing to drink beer on trail.  Dog Breath received a patch for 175 Surf City Hashes!  Get a life!

Next, we had a naming.  Just Marna stripped down to her sports bra in hopes of getting a more desirable name.  The pack settled on Cumcerto because she plays classical music on the flute.  Her sister, Princess Di(arrhea) also joined her for a celebratory drink.

If that wasn’t exciting enough, Deep Stroke was given an award on her 1 year analversary of joining the hash.  She received a lovely metal statue of a shoe.  My guess is that Occasional rapist found the stupid thing and wanted to throw it out but dBASED thought it would be better to give it to somebody.  Was this the proverbial kick in the ass Deep Stroke needed to get the hell out of town?  We’ll see tomorrow night if she shows up!  And last but not least, the Hares……………. 

The drinking and merriment continued inside the house, where Occasional Rapist served everyone hot vegetarian Chili.  Yum!

See all you wankers tomorrow night at Henflings where Hugh Heifer will scare the devil out of us for hash # 666!  Bring it on Satan!

On On,

Shallow Hole

Cumcerto named!

Last night Just Marna got named Cumcerto. Something about playing the flute. Not sure if that’s the skin flute or is a band.  She has come to 5 consecutive hashes and we all hope we’ll continue to be as routine a Hasher as her sister – Princess Diarrhea. The best song sung to Just Marna  last night was “someone’s in you sister vagina”, which we all know to be Thmp-Thmp!

Hash Trash #664

I got so buzzed at trail 664, I can barely decipher my own trail notes from the night. I found random phrases like “rim job” and “surfer boy” written in my Princess Diarrhea. Any ideas what that was about?? Speaking of my dollar store pretty pink Princess Diarrhea, you can click on it to see what popped up when I googled myself.

From what I can make of my scribbles…

The kennel gathered at the super-festooned Windjammer in Aptos. A large creepy collection of nutcrackers (or “wooden soldiers” as Wicked Retahted called ‘em) stared at us blankly as we trickled in. They were as stiff, frozen and sober looking as we felt after coming in from the cold. It was 48° and dropping, which is damn cold to us locals. The table in front of the cozy fireplace was occupied, but that didn’t keep Puff The Magic Drag Queen from scooting in to warm up his perennial OPs and naked knees. Thmp-Thmp ordered some Fireball cinnamon whisky from the bartender to help warm his cock(les). Beer Meister Hugh Heifer was getting over a cold and not running so she pretty much only showed up to ply us with booze and spread her cooties. Butt Balls wasn’t running either, but bothered to casually grace us with a visit while he was “on his way to Safeway” or something.

It was the maiden haring voyage of hare pair Schlong Division and Slownad. It seemed they’d been preparing well for their first mission. Thmp and I had spied Slownad scouting trail in our neighborhood a couple of weeks ago. Snownad had even taken pains to decide between whether to filch whole wheat or pumpernickel flour from his wife’s pantry (whole wheat won). When the hares announced to the pack there would be TWO bum wine checks, we thought for a second that the trail may not even suck. Hey, we can dream.

Soon enough we were on our way into the cold darkness. Trail went on left and over the freeway. A rudely placed check at the train crossing led to falsies in both directions of the tracks. Those bastard hares! A whistle in the night got the pack back together and heading down to the Cement Ship. We all know what goes down must come up. True trail headed up a gazillion flights of stairs and then flour showed us the way across a field. As we got to Seacliff Drive, TIMMY!!! encouraged everyone to scout around the check but I came up empty. Another whistle got us moving in the right direction. We passed a row of cars parked at Seacliff’s very own little Inspiration Point. Coincidentally, I found Thmp-Thmp’s beanie of reindeers fucking in the road there after it fell from his pocket. At least something was getting some action.

What goes up comes down again, right? Trail went down the stairs that roughly lead to the Sleaze Breeze in the Rio Del Mar flats. Along the way down was a terrible fermented sweet nastiness of a bum wine check that we sipped on and then immediately wished we’d had better judgment. At the bottom of the stairs some of the pack was fooled into heading towards the Sleaze Breeze. Suckers!! That place is NEVER open! Trail actually went in the opposite direction. It followed Moosehead Drive up a creek and up a hill where we found a fucked up flashback to a barfy prom night of yesteryear—André champagne. Classy move, hares.

A chug of the bubbly put a little sparkle back in our step as we trudged further along to the top of the hill. Now this is where shit gets dicey. Thmp and I cut trail and bee-lined it to the railroad tracks. This is our stomping grounds. We had a feeling the tracks would be our path to beer so we sidestepped another huge hill that led to Rio Del Mar Boulevard. Bingo! Shortcutting paid off, yo. The tracks took us to Aptos Village. Then it was up Trout Gulch to the post office, along the pump track, and back to the railroad tracks near the recently deceased Brit (R.I.P.). Beer check was just across the trestle and marked “B really N”. Indeed it was, and we were the cheating FRBs. And damn proud of it too, thankyouverymuch. dBASED and Hot Wheels were the real, non-cheating (well, as far as we know) FRBs. It took awhile for the pack to trickle in, so we were all drinking ourselves numb in the unmerciful cold. Something happened at beer check I still do not understand. There we were, everybody carrying a bottle opener, drinking beer, standing next to a cooler full of beer and a bum comes by and asks us for…a cigarette?

We were nearly frozen by now so we hustled off to religion at the medical clinic parking lot next to Severino’s. AccuPrick RA’d and Just Marna was beer icicle fairy. Extreme backsliders were the first to go down down: Hogazm (claims she was in Hawaii), Technical Black Out (claims she was in bed with Accu’s mom), Cervix Denied, and Dr. Nappy-Headed ‘Ho. Next was a wet salute to the doctors: Dr. Schlong Division (Congrats on your new title! I’ve heard PhD stands for Penis head Deformity, by the way), Dr. AccuPrick, Dr. Cervix Denied and Dr. Nappy. Next up for punishment were the non-runners: Butt Balls, Hugh, Cuff My Muff, Wicked, Dr. Nappy, and Cervix Denied.

(This is about where I had to keep warming up my pen between my legs to get the ink to flow. My right hand was also freezing. Duh! That’s because I took my glove off to write because I’m used to tapping out my writing on an iPhone instead of using a real pen and real paper. And also because I was drunk. Double duh! I put my glove back on and all was right and well again.)

Sadly, there was no virgin to entertain us because Virgin Andrea showed up at the pre-lube but wouldn’t do trail. Yes, some are easily scared off. dBASED was chastised for cheating a bartender by snatching his $ back from her. Great, now we’ve probably all been 86’d from the Windjammer. Thanks, dBASED.

(This is about where my notes get really sketchy. Something about how Dr. Nappy’s dog had a protruding penis…I hope somebody could please fill me in about this…no, maybe not.)

The night’s common trail complaint: too flat. Twat Did You Say? was called out because she didn’t know what BW meant and therefore blew by the bum wine check, so Butt Balls wondered what else BW could stand for…ball wrinkle? Puff’s lifelessness was validated by the commemoration of his 650th run. Cheers to Shallow Hole for making it to her 75th without requiring a liver transplant. The hares drank because their first trail sucked high and low.

On on on was at the spanking new Burger. Aptos where you can find a huge and varied beer and burger selection, a warm fireplace and some hot celebrity mugshots.

Next hash will be the picture hash! Bring your holiday cheer. And by “holiday cheer” I mean liquor in a flask…or uh, whatever brings you good tidings of comfort and joy.  😉

P.S. Thanks to the hashers who came out to the SC SantaCon last week! Bad Santas are the best Santas.

Hash Trash #663

Toyz for Twats! Who could resist!, Banana brought us all out to an awesome start, The Bocci’s Cellar.

Hash 663

We had a great turnout of hasher’s whom donated many gifts! Thank you all! Many came and went but their spirit of hashing remained. We had new and come-backer’s, visitor’s, and one new hasher named! In Banana fashion, it was a lame ass short trail, but he did fool the FRB’s with not one but two notorius YBF’s! After 2 miles dBASED knew the second YBF had to be a YBF, it had already been 2 miles for sakes, Banana never would take hasher’s into the night, Schlong Division on the other hand went for it! Sucker! Anyhoot Beer Check was in a parking lot, what business and where abouts? But it was walking distance back to Bocci’s! Religion carried us to Pioneer street, we had dBASED as RA d/t Accuprick having laryngitis or Mono, and as his usual MO dBASED never appoints a beer fairy, HE is the beer fairy! First down down was for Banana whom apparently has finally figured out he is allergic to brew, beer! WTF? TIMMY! got his patch for 350 hashes!! And for not washing the down down mugs! Duuh got her 169th Hash patch! And Just Linda got named as “Mortal Enema”! For the virgins: Joanna, Racheal, Victoria, we heard it all, but Rachel showed us her goods! Six of nine must have warned her and she decided to go for it! We had 2 visitors one was the Virgin Joanna, and her friend that made her cum was hasher Walkens Widcum they are from and rode their bikes from Portland Maine (or somehwere there abouts) no less! Puff should have gotten a down down for hosting them, but dBASED forgot, LOL!

And the fuckin hare….Thanks for another shitty trail Banana!!

See you silly wankers Thursday at the Windjammer, Aptos, should be swankin’ fun!

 

Carry on… on …..

Occ…as..ional….Rap  ist

 

 

Hash Trash # 662, Pleasure Point Revisited. November 29, 2012

No Wankers, this was not a horrible flashback.   Did anyone else notice that all of Puff the Magic Drag Queen’s  photos from this hash came our blurry.  WTF?  Our Hares, Occasional Rapist and Wicked Retahted, brought us back to Pleasure Point for this week’s hash.  The pack assembled at the Point Chophouse on Portola.   Maybe Occasional Rapist was home sick for her old neighborhood.  All the fair weather sissies stayed home on this drizzly evening.   The pack sat together at a big table in an alcove of the restaurant and resembled a very dysfunctional family on Thanksgiving.  Just Andrea came out to socialize but didn’t stay to hash.   Waxi Pad was in the neighborhood for work, and showed up for a drink in “business attire”.  He also skipped the trail.  Wicked Retahted came prepared to hare with about 8 ounces of flour in a Crown Royal bag.  Luckily, Occasional Rapist brought flour and chalk.

Aside from a few sprinkles at circle up, it didn’t really rain on our evening.  In contrast to the previous week’s hash, the Hares kept the pack on the ocean side of Portola, instead of the trailer park side.  The trail winded around the streets, then went down the stairs onto the beach for a liquor check.  The pack got there just in time before a wave washed away the flour markings on the sand.  We had to climb up the rocks back onto the street.  We ran by some cops in unmarked vehicles in front of a house.  Not sure what was going on.  No one seemed to be getting arrested.  One cop acted concerned and asked me if we lost anyone.  LOL.  I replied innocently, “No Sir, we’re just running around”.   He said “ok then” and drove off.  Beer check was located at the end of Rock View Drive, down the stairs on the rocks.  The sea was rough from the storm and the waves were crashing.   Very cool spot!

Religion was held at Wicked Retahted’s house.  Accuprick was RA.  Thmp-Thmp was Beer Fairy.  Deep Stroke was chastised for still being around.  She should’ve left on her road trip 2 weeks ago.  Just Marna showed up for her second hash and was rewarded with a down down.  Her sister, Princess Di (arrhea) also drank.   There was some banter over who got the brains and who got the beauty in the family.  Wicked Retahted drank (again) for his crime last week of forgetting to bring the joint he rolled.   Hugh Heifer drank because of her antics.  She lost her keys, and while she was looking for them, she found a bud in her truck!  Whoo Hoo!  Puff the Magic Drag Queen was punished for calling Marna “Marta” in last week’s Hash Flash.  Occasional Rapist was called up for misspelling Schlong Division’s name wrong in her last Hash Trash.   Religion was stopped momentarily for a little smoke fest.  Accuprick was feeling the “Rasta Vibe”.   dBASED accused Puff the Magic Drag Queen of believing Deep Stroke is a man.  Deep Stroke defended herself and professed that she was really a woman, but did not offer the pack any visual proof.  Puff, Princess Di (arrhea) and Deep Stroke drank for having issues climbing the slippery rocks at the beach.  No one was mamed or killed.   And last but not least, the Hares………………..

See you Wankers on Thursday night at Bocci’s Cellar for the Toys for Tots Hash.  Bring one or more unwrapped toys for needy children so they can have a nice Christmas and don’t have to be scarred for life thinking they were rejected by Santa because he skipped over their house.

On On,

Shallow Hole