Monthly Archives: March 2013

Hash Trash #678

It’s always a pleasure to resume being a hash scribe. I might not be clever, I might not be all in tow.  But somehow I will make this exciting in someway, at least I hope. Hey wanna have sex? Gotcha!! didn’t I? Is anybody really reading these hash scribe write ups?  I ask myself. Trail 678 , what can I say , It was hared by our fearless leader TIMMY!!! This time his smart Pink Cherry Licker daughter decided she’s not co-hare! I forgot to track trail I was well into half way before I fuckin realized I needed to track, shit. dBASED my lovin stud future co-M word  loving better not half-partner, being said trail was like 2.5 miles to religion. OK Stop. I was very excited to have ran by the Sash mill, aka Adventure Sports. I got SCUBA certified there back in 1989, by Denis Judson’s then dive crew, yeah while many of you shits were not even born  yet I got to dive, yeah you can too someday. Anyhoot, I was hoping trail went into that place, but it did not, it sommered up to Holy Crosss. I got to feel the energy of the kaykers for a moment in time. They are very kinder to me. I am a kayaker, and I am a diver double wammy, I am also a fuckin hasher, I like water!! Yes! Any fuckin how! We sped then up to Holy Cross , LC was right there, leftover Bushmills I presume from TIMMY”s abode from St,. Patty’s day, thank you I think. Thanks BRO!! Then we crossed misson to my fav. street (green) down town bound!! Beer check was at a great abandanded fuckin un used parking lot stack! I hate that shit but it works! OK so we had lots of virgins: Brought on by a man named Dirty Latecummer! He is so good lookin! He brought some cute virgin’s for us to assalt, and tease, and love at some point) He is relocated from Santa Barbara or Bastard’s H3? Not sure but I accept him, we accept him, and we really like the fact he brought virgins! Jenna, Annika, Joss! We got to see tits from 2 virgins ( Jenna,Annika( I was hoping we’d see some dick from joss but somehow that didn’t hapen. Its ok. I can wait Joss:) Alright Im sorry But im done with stupidity, the rest is shit really. Same old same old.  Deep stroke likes to stroke the free beer shit. BUT One thing to mention is OUR loving or not so loving SHCLONG DIVISION has found a new home/job in SF! We will miss his ass (not) but bless him ( somewhat feel sorry for SF gypsies) ok, bye bye ass hole!!

On On your Occasional Rapist!

And the fuckin hare, I have no more energy to say anything else, FUCK YOU!!!


On oN hate you love u

FUCK me no I am not bi polar or WTF

On On

Occasional fuckin you no! LOL!!


Hash 679

Grab something,

       This is for those of you that are not on Surf City’s Yahoo email group. First, join the damn thing!

       Secondly, after joining the group, drag your carcass to Discretion Brewery on Thursday, April 28th. The brewery is located at 2703 41st Avenue behind Cafe Cruz. Parking, however, is sadly limited and it may prove advantageous to park across 41st at Home Depot which, incidentally, is the location for Religion as well. TIMMY & Puff will team up to double-team you. Short trail, A-to-B, free beer. food & beer; what more do ya need to know?


                             TIMMY & Puff

Hash Trash # 677: St Patty’s Day Green Dress Run on March 14, 2013

The Poet & Patriot Irish Pub was a fitting start location for this year’s Green Dress Run.  Walking over to the bar in my very green outfit, I got some strange looks, and propositioned by a self-proclaimed leprechaun.  Maybe after a few drinks, I would’ve entertained the thought, but he was just another Santa Cruz bum.  When a lady asked, “Isn’t it too early to celebrate St Patrick’s Day?”  My response was “it is never too early to start drinking!”

Once at the bar, hashers started filtering in with all kinds of green attire.   The Hares, Princess O’ Di (arrhea) and her partner in crime Thmp-Thmp, brought festive green “flare” for those not green enough.


The Hares told the pack to “follow the rainbow”, which turned out to be marshmallows from Lucky Charms cereal on all the checks.  Porter the dog was particularly happy about that.   I wonder how many cereal boxes they had to go through to pick out all those marshmallows.  And since that cereal contains 3 teaspoons of sugar per cup, I hope they made dentist appointments too!

St Patrick may have driven all the snakes out of Ireland, but even HIS luck wouldn’t have been enough to follow this trail without getting lost a few times!  I think the Hares lost a few extra brain cells at the Betty Ford Hash weekend.  They seemed a bit out of sorts.  So did Twat did you Say?, who also attended Betty Ford.  But her excuse was that she was just stoned.

The trail lead down the alley, to Pacific Avenue.  After solving a check on Pacific Avenue, the pack followed chalk and flour up to the campus of Santa Cruz High School.  Nice example for the teenage marching band members who saw a bunch of old drunken freaks in green dresses running around their campus yelling. 

There was a check on California Street.  Plastic Pussy charged down the hill and quickly yelled “On, On”.   However, he was stopped in his tracks by a YBF.  The pack trudged back up the damn hill and we headed towards Mission Street.   When we got to McDonalds, there was a mark that said “Shake Check”.  Princess was in the back with a pitcher of whiskey spiked Shamrock Shakes!  Damn they were good!  But happiness soon turned to disgust when it started to get dark and we found ourselves at a difficult check on Bay Ave.  No flour to be found in any direction.  I had a shamrock hallucination and thought a white piece of paper was flour.   Then there was a check that lead to another check.   WTF?  The pack ended up on Mission St again, went in the wrong direction at first, turned back and Just Eyvand found flour on the other side of the street at the corner of Mission and Bay.  It was darker at that point and some hashers forgot to bring flashlights.  The darkness and lack of flour made it difficult to follow trail.  At another particularly difficult check, Cumcerto committed the mortal crime of not going far enough down the road in search of flour.  If she went a little farther, she would’ve found flour.  After about 15 minutes, someone figured that out and the pack made its way back to Mission St (again), and finally headed back downtown.  Beer check was located on the street in back of the Center St Grill restaurant.  Luckily the Hares had plenty of beer, and Irish Car Bomb Jello Shots.

Religion was on the top of Oswald parking garage.   Just Christine and Just Eyvand got lost on trail, so they stopped at a gas station for the bathroom and then went for pizza.  They showed up at Religion.  TIMMY!!! was RA, Schlong Division was Beer Fairy.  Backsliders Pussy Galore and Cum Lord got a down down.  Non-Runners Great Barrier Queef, My Little Bony, Cumz out my Nose, Pussy Galore left their bar stools long enough to join the festivities and drink some warm beer.  Cumcerto was punished for getting the directions left and right mixed up.  TIMMY!!! and Pink Cherry Licker had a tender father daughter moment.  She served as his stylist and gave him a dress to wear.  Awwww.

We had a naming.  Just Eyvand was christened into the hash with the name of Twisted Fister!  Welcome to the hash!  Deep Stroke was punished for her racism.  She won!  I think she short cutted.  And Slonad was also called out for wearing a running shirt.  And last but not least, the Hares………………………………………….  





See you Thursday at the Rush Inn for another disasterous trail by TIMMY!!!

On On,

Shallow Hole

Hash Trash # 676, March 7, 2013

All you pussies that skipped last week’s hash because you were too afraid to go out in the rain, missed the trail of the century!   NOT!  But go out and buy a fucking rain coat and waterproof hat for Christ sake!    You won’t melt.

It was a dark, rainy night.  A small pack of regulars assembled at JJ’s Saloon in Soquel.  Our Hare Pair, Cuff my Muff and Occasional Rapist said they mixed the flour with oatmeal so it wouldn’t wash away, promised beer and liquor, and then they were off.  Hashers reluctantly circled up behind the bar.  Some folks got a free show from Dog Breath, who was in his underwear changing his pants in the parking lot.  Our GM, TIMMY!!  was so horrified, that we skipped introductions, and the pack was off.  Trail lead right on Soquel drive.  After a confusing check on the corner of Soquel and Main Street was solved, the pack headed on Main St, left on Bridge St and over the little pedestrian bridge.  We soon stumbled upon the first liquor check, a big bottle of Absolut vodka!  Whoo Hoo! 

The trail then lead out to Soquel San Jose Road.  There was another confusing check, but flour was finally found near the restrooms,  in Anna Jean Cummings Park, AKA Blue Balls Park.  The next part was up hill.  But at least there was another liquor check, cheap vodka this time.  The trail continued through the dark muddy trails behind Soquel High School.  When we got back to civilization, we found ourselves at the corner of Soquel Drive and 41st Avenue, and towards the Safeway parking lot.  Trail lead behind the stores.  We got a tip from a couple dock workers a Home Depot, who spotted the Hares earlier.   After meandering through the parking lot of an apartment complex and through some neighborhoods, beer check was found in a parking lot.





Religion was in the back of JJ’s parking lot.  It was probably one of the shortest religions in history.  Pink Cherry Licker was Beer Fairy.  TIMMY!!! got chastised for peeing on trail.  Accuprick drank for getting attacked by a stick.  Puff the Magic Drag Queen was congratulated on 11 years without missing a hash!  Get a life!  And the Hares…………………..

Thanks to daylight savings time, this was our last hash in the dark for a while.  Whoo Hoo!

See all you wankers this week at The Poet and the Patriot for this year’s Green dress Hash!  The Hares Thmp-Thmp and Princess Di (arrhea), have requested that hashers wear a green dress, skirt or kilt.  Hopefully we’ll have the luck of the Irish and no one will get arrested for public intoxication.

On On,

Shallow Hole

Hash Trash #675

The Crepe Place always guarantees a great hash turnout. And it’s still winning over new fans because I heard Cumcerto announce, “this is my new bar!” What is it about this place? It’s got booze, so that’s good enough for 99.99% of us. Central SC location? Yeah, that helps. Maybe it’s just the right touch of funkiness that makes us feel right at home. Fans of The Residents, who were playing across the street at the Rio Theatre, were also digging The Crepe with us. They’re odd folks who love a weird band. Shallow Hole asked me to describe the band but all I could come up with was “uh, experimental.”

Although the pack was large, we were missing Choka Cola and Hairy Potter. They’re busy smooching, feeding, burping, diapering, rocking, and dressing up their cute new little girl, Mykah. We’re gonna miss them for a little while, but let’s hope the whole famn damily will be joining us for a stroller-friendly trail someday soon.

Twat Did You Say?’s edjumication didn’t cockblock her from hashing this week, so she showed up–fully warmed up for trail, thanks to sadist and personal trainer Deep Stroke. Monterey CAN’d hashers Free Little Willy, GhettoMan and Virgin Candace came across the bay to join us. I’m thinking that Willy is bionic or something. Just last month, he hared a CAN’d hash in a knee brace. That knee was all swollen, nasty and jacked up, but that didn’t keep him from haring a 10 mile trail! Hardcore. Visitors, Virgins and hashers old and new from far and wide were fired up and ready to face a looooong trail to be laid by the merciless Timmy!!! This time he was joined by the fruit of his loins, maiden co-hare Pink Cherry Licker.

Trail headed straight to the corner of Morrissey and Soquel Ave. to a troublesome check. It was a real team effort, but Cumcerto eventually got us on the right track down Water St. Trail was headed directly to the scene of last week’s heinous crime that resulted in two fallen SC Police Officers. We paid our respects as we cut on-right down N. Branciforte. The neighborhood behind DJ’s Mini Mart was a little sketchy for several reasons. Within the space of two blocks, a hare ran out of chalk and two consecutive backchecks were laid. WTH?? Momentary pack chaos ensued. Our tantrums were soon soothed by a bottle of Adult Chocolate Milk found at liquor check on Market St.

As we continued down Market St., fire trucks and sirens were whizzing by. We hoped they weren’t coming to tend to a hare ahead. The sirens only made the residents even more nervous after last week’s crime spree and our whistles weren’t helping matters. I handed out a few SCH3 calling cards to those who were drawn outside to peek and wonder at our little goober parade.

Somewhere on Emeline St., a YBF was called by Dog Breath. After much confusion and turmoil, we learned there was actually no YBF. We were F’d by one of our own! After a short jaunt down Emeline, we were back on Market St. After the misread and mislaid trail markings, Twat had had just about enough of this B.S. and was ready to turn around. Luckily I was able to keep her moving forward again towards beer check. Eyez on the prize!!!

A well-placed check reunited much of the pack at the top of the hill at Goss St. Deep Stroke and Thmp-Thmp went their own way down Fairmount because Deep Stroke wanted to play her little game of “LET’S R*CE!” Hey, sometimes whatever gets you to beer faster is what’s called for. Cuff My Muff, Occasional Rapist and the rest of the pack trudged through the Banana Belt to the Morrissey bridge crossing. We were all ready to get this trail over with, already.

Behind Safeway, a dark shadow and a beast were sitting on the sidewalk. Not uncommon in this town. When we were almost close enough to trip over her, we realized it was Hugh Heifer, who had beefed it and wounded her rump roast. Calf down! Apparently calves don’t have such great night vision without headlamps. Her trail partner and guide dog Kai hadn’t shepherded her around the patch of dark wonky sidewalk, either. I helped her up and she hoofed it along to nearby beer check behind the old Staff of Life. I guess her trail wounds were nothing a few jello shots and a decent beer selection couldn’t help.

It was a long trail and it sucked. We were happy to finally make it to Puff the Magic Drag Queen’s castle for down downs. AccuPrick RA’d and Just Jerri was beer fairy. Puff was chastised for completing 600 hashes. How can anybody be that consistent? Well, except for Twat who claims to masturbate every single night. Wicked Retahted did not join us on trail because his back is fucked up from surfing. It may have kept him off trail tonight, but nothing will keep him from surfing again tomorrow! Beermeister Heifer pulled down her pants to show us her trail wounds, but was disgusted by the dirty down down song she got for it. Just Charles and Just Jen were welcomed from Addis Ababa, Ethiopia. Hmm…Ethiopia is next door to Kenya, so we can only assume they can r*n even faster than the wind because they have the extra motivation of finding beer at the end of this r*ce.

Schlong Division and Slonad were backsliders with no excusable excuse. Just Brian was toughing out -15° in Minnesota last week. Deep Stroke was away in search of deep powder. Cumcerto and Deep Stroke were busted for hashus interruptus last week. Deep Stroke made Cumcerto leave mid-hash so she could move Deep Stroke’s rig while she was vacationing in Tahoe. That is straight up criminal. Up for debate was shortcutting: is it honorable? dBASED votes YES. Virgin Candace told a joke about a cantaloupe. I’ll leave that to your imagination. Whatever you come up with has gotta be better than her joke was. Free Little Willy and GhettoMan made her come. Just Brian was named Plastic Pussy and he actually likes it (the name, not just the toy). I think barfly My Little Bony and backslider Rod Lover somehow managed to avoid down downs because they were already getting their jump start on on-on-on over at Double Oh Seven.

And the hares… those rat bastards.

Next week Hash #676 starts at JJ’s Saloon in Soquel. Cuff My Muff and Occasional Rapist will be your hare pair. Cuff has been bragging about the sheer awesomeness of her trail, so be prepared for a big letdown. Enjoy the punishment for me because Thmp and I will be in Palm Springs for Betty Ford, bitches!

On on,

Plastic Pussy Named!

The hasher formerly known as Just Brian shall henceforth be answering to the insult PLASTIC PUSSY! Apparently he’s a salesman of “medical supplies”, but we all suspect he sells Real Dolls (or parts thereof), right? Our crew could use a few knee replacements or fake vaginas, so either way you’ve got some new customers right here! Welcome to the kennel, Plastic Pussy!