We all should have known better when we received this week’s trail invitation and it didn’t even have the right trail number on it. These hares were confused long before trail was laid. We all showed up anyhow, at Ye Olde Watering Hole, with hopes that our $8 will get us enough beer to forget this night.

The pack quickly filled up the bar and mortals mumbled unintelligible grumblings as they fled the area. As soon as the hares thought we were starting to get tipsy enough to surely forget this shitty trail they stood before us and told us lies while Toilet Baby longingly searched the crowd for Puff, the keeper of the dog treats.

Once on trail, we crossed over Mission on Swift and started up the path after Escalona on Grandview, a common route for the hash. As we reached the top of the hill we quickly stumbled across a liquor check mark. Here is one of the first of many lies of the evening, turns out it was bum wine and not liquor at all.

A little distance out we reach a check that we find leads us up an incredibly steep hill, about 90 feet up over the course of 150ft. If anyone still knows how to do geometry or some shit, you can figure out the incline percentage there and likely be impressed. Math is hard. We approach the top of the hill to a chalk mark of STFU, which we were told about at the bar. When we see this we are to Shut The Fuck Up! As the pack circles around I hear someone yelling, What does STFU mean? Oh, Shut the Fuck Up!” I guess although they can read they cannot comprehend, we are only half-minds after all. Trail leads us into someone’s backyard and when Dog Breath figures this out he turns the pack around, not wanting to trespass. Perhaps Dog Breath has been traveling so much recently that he forgets we LOVE trespassing! As I’m coming down the hill I feel branches and leaves hitting my legs, but as I’ve never had poison oak after being exposed I saw no harm in this, I had assumed I wasn’t allergic. Hey guys, turns out I’m allergic. Oh my itchy scratchy! Anyone else with me?

Our alternate route to the backyard is to either climb over a barbed wire fence or wiggle through the gate as it’s held open by other hashers. I chose to go over the fence and as Puff grabbed, I mean pushed my ass over the fence Thmp-Thmp provided support so I didn’t end up face planted on the other side. In hindsight I should have gone through the fence, where Dung Fu Grip, Dog Breath and Thmp-Thmp pushed and pulled the gates apart enough for fellow hashers to wiggle through.

The next little treat the hares had for us was Miramar Hill. Most of the pack was convinced trail went down Miramar and ran down only to discover nothing. Turns out trail actually went the opposite direction on Miramar and took us on Alta Vista and across Nobel before having us come down the Bay Drive Walkway in the median, a big descent with some wooden bridges, dirt and pavement.

We weaved over on Anthony before crossing Mission via Olive, where the hares were kind enough to navigate us to a crosswalk for easier crossing on such a busy street. That was about the only thing they did right on trail. We cut through the back parking lot of some businesses then turned onto Palm St, which if you were as foolish as myself to not turn off you found yourself at a back-check 8 after passing over the railroad tracks. Turns out true trail turned right down Seaside before having us end for beer check at Garfield Park.

After we devoured the kettle chips provided by the hares we decided it was time to get to religion which was held in the back parking lot of the nearby Safeway. We weren’t there a mere 3 or 4 minutes before security started getting curious. Who takes off to talk to them but Puff the Magic Drag Queen and Hugh Heifer. We aren’t sure what was said, but it worked and we carried out an entire religion although I suspect the hares should not expect to get any cash back from this trail.

Beer Fairy for the evening was newly named Transcuntnanal. We quickly jumped into the public shamings; first bringing up Pink Cherry Liquor and Fap Jack for skipping trail completely and getting Chinese Food instead.

One thing that can be said about trail is the lack of visible markings, there was a false (barely) spotted on Alta Vista about 6 inches long hiding behind a trash can. When Cock Throbbin was interrogated about the size of her false marking her response was that her entire life men had been telling her that 6 inches was huge. With Dog Breath being the first hasher to have hared with Cock Throbbin and dBASED as being responsible for making sure everyone understands how trail should be laid were given down-downs for failing this hare duo of Twisted Fister and Cock Throbbin.

The few hashers that did cut through someone’s backyard instead of going through the fence were given down downs; Today Is Monday, Transcuntnanal and Drink ‘n Squirt.

There were two analversaries to celebrate. Hugh Heifer celebrated her 369th hash and TIMMY!!! celebrated his 475th hash and even though we didn’t have a patch for TIMMY!!! we celebrated and gave him a down-down anyway.

We gave Dick N’ Squirt a down-down for being a visitor before bringing up our virgins. Virgin Jennifer was made to come by Just Jessica. She said she brought us Virgin Jennifer so we would stop calling her Jennifer. Just Jennifer sang the appropriately titled “Like A Virgin” with a little help from her friend. Virgin Wendy was made to come by Just Mirit. Virgin Wendy gave us a bedazzled flash and later had her date entertain us with a joke.

And the hares!

On-On,
Ho to Housewife

Last Thursday brought us out to Monty’s in Felton, the bar that most refer to as “that bar across from Henry Cowell, right?” where we ran another shitty trail and helped Hugh Heifer pre-game for her beerthday which actually fell on Saturday, the same day as our Red Dress Run. Hashers filled the inside of Monty’s while all the “normal folk” rolled their eyes and started to slink into the back of the bar. The clock rolled around to 6:45, our hares not only hadn’t taken off yet, but they couldn’t be found. Someone said, “the hares are outside smoking a joint”, so of course the party moved outdoors to a slightly drizzling setting. As much as we need the rain, it would be great if it could not rain on hashing nights.

After much booze and other inibriators, the hares decided it was time to go lay their shitty trail which we soon found out they took quite literally. As we entered Henry Cowell we immediately started playing hop-scotch over huge piles of horse shit. It’s time like these where I wonder why there isn’t a clean up after your horse ordinance, similar to that of dogs. But I digress, let’s get back to the issue at hand.

There was a turkey/eagle split that I think took the turkeys directly back to the beer. The eagles got some nice trail running in with their game of hop-scotch before ending at one of the Felton covered bridges.

Once we got kicked out of beer check we headed on for religion. I guess someone thought we were trespassing. We were just hanging out, man. No dis-respect, man. Land is a gift to be enjoyed by all and ownership of such a thing is a human construct. I digress, yet again…..

Subsequently, we headed to religion which was appropriately held in a church parking lot. What a better place to celebrate our beliefs and rejoice in our blessings! Unfortunately, the church did not agree. They found the celebration of our beliefs to be rude and disturbing and quickly kicked us out although not before we got a few celebrations in. First, we shunned all those who ran the relay the weekend before, who could easily be spotted in their kilts. Snapping Twat, Shallow Hole, Occasional Rapist, dBASED and Dung-Fu Grip were all part of this catastrophic event and were given a down-down.

dBASED tried to call out Thmp-Thmp for confusing the word deer with tits (one track mind?) but don’t you know we made dBASED take a down-down too, just for fun 🙂

Next up we had a new face, Virgin Raquel, who did us a little song and dance. Perhaps it’s dancing that this church didn’t like since right after this is when we were booted from the area.

Back to Monty’s we go, where they take all kinds… sort of like the hash. We resumed religion in the patio area for the naming of Just Pauline and Just Dan.

Just Pauline is a grad student who studies lizards and gets really excited on trail for free wood! Since she’s a student she is broke and to make money she crochets pussy hats. Gentlemen, this is not a hat you want to get for your wife’s pussy but maybe something to keep your feline warm in the winter, cause cats are always in the market for hats. I know the cats I’ve had refuse to even wear a collar, let alone a hat. With this information we sent Just Pauline into the corner to discuss her name. The pack has given her the name “Pussy Wood”.

Next up we have Just Dan, who is also a grad student (I think, I could also be making that up) who studies inner tide fish with names like Clit Fish…. at least that’s what we heard. He has also traveled the world and has explored his sexual deviancy on trains around the world. Hugh volunteered to take Just Dan away while we discussed his name and asked him if he wanted to wait in her truck, since it’s her beerthday and all. Unfortunately, the pack was quick to decide on a name for Just Dan and they didn’t make it past the picnic tables before we called them back. From now on Just Dan will be known as Transcuntnanal.

And the hares! While Cum Lord couldn’t be found for religion, Hugh took in all the glory of her shitty trail. And while in this photo she appears to be barely standing I have a feeling this woman is just getting warmed up.

No one could say where this week’s trail is going to be and while yesterday I saw the announcement for trail 798, I’m still hoping someone will announce trail 797.

May the hash go in peace,
Ho to Housewife

As we received the trail announcement for Trail 792 we all pondered what these speed checks Dung Fu could be talking about. Was he bringing his junkie friends? No need since trail was in Pogonip, Santa Cruz’s most junkie friendly area.

As I arrived to trail start the cars were already stacking up at the entrance and as I approached I could hear the sound of a fiddle being played. I suppose this is better than some dueling banjos as we approach this wooded area.

Us half-minds crowd around TIMMY!!!s beer truck and notice there are new faces among us. First we meet Virgin Jennifer who as it turns out, was the player of the fiddler and entertained us again at religion with a ballad of domestic abuse. A true hasher in the making. Next we meet Virgin Pauline and Virgin Dan who couldn’t decide if he was a virgin or not. Turns out no one made them come, they are all self-motivators and possibly a little masochistic.

Dung Fu is spotted coming out of Pogonip from finishing up his pre-lay and quickly jumps into the explanation of a speed check. I still don’t get it, but it has lots of arrows in directions you may go and one is right.

Before we can ask any questions, Dung Fu is back out to solo hare the trail and the rest of us slug our beers and poke for at each other. Once the pack is unleashed we quickly come up on a speed check, first found by Courtesy Flush, who somehow managed to do trail without a stop at a local taqueria that night. Turns out the correct direction to go was up! Up and up and up we went and just when you thought you might go down trail a bit, we went up some more. Almost to the top of our trail we came across 3 mountain bikers by the goldfish (koi?) pond who were nice (smart) enough to not drink the horrible concoction Dung Fu stashed for our liquor check.

Finally we made our way to the top of our hash trail and then we started going down, which was welcomed at first but soon presented twisted ankles and sore knees. We passed the old clubhouse which was used in the filming of our most famous local movie, The Lost Boys. As we waited for everyone to finish we realized we lost a virgin. Some CAN’D guys went back out onto trail to try to find her as it was getting dark. Luckily, Occasional Rapist found her playing her fiddle back at the start of trail so we all headed onto religion which was held in the culdasac of a street behind Bocci’s.

I can’t remember much about religion, except that we got a ballad from Virgin Jennifer and two jokes I couldn’t hear from Virgin Pauline and Virgin Dan, probably heard them before anyway…. the pack finished up on-on-on at Bocci’s which I heard was hosting their heavy metal night.

On-On Half-minds
Ho to Housewife