Hash Trash # 677: St Patty’s Day Green Dress Run on March 14, 2013

SCH3 Trash

The Poet & Patriot Irish Pub was a fitting start location for this year’s Green Dress Run.  Walking over to the bar in my very green outfit, I got some strange looks, and propositioned by a self-proclaimed leprechaun.  Maybe after a few drinks, I would’ve entertained the thought, but he was just another Santa Cruz bum.  When a lady asked, “Isn’t it too early to celebrate St Patrick’s Day?”  My response was “it is never too early to start drinking!”

Once at the bar, hashers started filtering in with all kinds of green attire.   The Hares, Princess O’ Di (arrhea) and her partner in crime Thmp-Thmp, brought festive green “flare” for those not green enough.

 

The Hares told the pack to “follow the rainbow”, which turned out to be marshmallows from Lucky Charms cereal on all the checks.  Porter the dog was particularly happy about that.   I wonder how many cereal boxes they had to go through to pick out all those marshmallows.  And since that cereal contains 3 teaspoons of sugar per cup, I hope they made dentist appointments too!

St Patrick may have driven all the snakes out of Ireland, but even HIS luck wouldn’t have been enough to follow this trail without getting lost a few times!  I think the Hares lost a few extra brain cells at the Betty Ford Hash weekend.  They seemed a bit out of sorts.  So did Twat did you Say?, who also attended Betty Ford.  But her excuse was that she was just stoned.

The trail lead down the alley, to Pacific Avenue.  After solving a check on Pacific Avenue, the pack followed chalk and flour up to the campus of Santa Cruz High School.  Nice example for the teenage marching band members who saw a bunch of old drunken freaks in green dresses running around their campus yelling. 

There was a check on California Street.  Plastic Pussy charged down the hill and quickly yelled “On, On”.   However, he was stopped in his tracks by a YBF.  The pack trudged back up the damn hill and we headed towards Mission Street.   When we got to McDonalds, there was a mark that said “Shake Check”.  Princess was in the back with a pitcher of whiskey spiked Shamrock Shakes!  Damn they were good!  But happiness soon turned to disgust when it started to get dark and we found ourselves at a difficult check on Bay Ave.  No flour to be found in any direction.  I had a shamrock hallucination and thought a white piece of paper was flour.   Then there was a check that lead to another check.   WTF?  The pack ended up on Mission St again, went in the wrong direction at first, turned back and Just Eyvand found flour on the other side of the street at the corner of Mission and Bay.  It was darker at that point and some hashers forgot to bring flashlights.  The darkness and lack of flour made it difficult to follow trail.  At another particularly difficult check, Cumcerto committed the mortal crime of not going far enough down the road in search of flour.  If she went a little farther, she would’ve found flour.  After about 15 minutes, someone figured that out and the pack made its way back to Mission St (again), and finally headed back downtown.  Beer check was located on the street in back of the Center St Grill restaurant.  Luckily the Hares had plenty of beer, and Irish Car Bomb Jello Shots.

Religion was on the top of Oswald parking garage.   Just Christine and Just Eyvand got lost on trail, so they stopped at a gas station for the bathroom and then went for pizza.  They showed up at Religion.  TIMMY!!! was RA, Schlong Division was Beer Fairy.  Backsliders Pussy Galore and Cum Lord got a down down.  Non-Runners Great Barrier Queef, My Little Bony, Cumz out my Nose, Pussy Galore left their bar stools long enough to join the festivities and drink some warm beer.  Cumcerto was punished for getting the directions left and right mixed up.  TIMMY!!! and Pink Cherry Licker had a tender father daughter moment.  She served as his stylist and gave him a dress to wear.  Awwww.

We had a naming.  Just Eyvand was christened into the hash with the name of Twisted Fister!  Welcome to the hash!  Deep Stroke was punished for her racism.  She won!  I think she short cutted.  And Slonad was also called out for wearing a running shirt.  And last but not least, the Hares………………………………………….  

 

 

 

 

See you Thursday at the Rush Inn for another disasterous trail by TIMMY!!!

On On,

Shallow Hole

Hash Trash # 676, March 7, 2013

SCH3 Trash

All you pussies that skipped last week’s hash because you were too afraid to go out in the rain, missed the trail of the century!   NOT!  But go out and buy a fucking rain coat and waterproof hat for Christ sake!    You won’t melt.

It was a dark, rainy night.  A small pack of regulars assembled at JJ’s Saloon in Soquel.  Our Hare Pair, Cuff my Muff and Occasional Rapist said they mixed the flour with oatmeal so it wouldn’t wash away, promised beer and liquor, and then they were off.  Hashers reluctantly circled up behind the bar.  Some folks got a free show from Dog Breath, who was in his underwear changing his pants in the parking lot.  Our GM, TIMMY!!  was so horrified, that we skipped introductions, and the pack was off.  Trail lead right on Soquel drive.  After a confusing check on the corner of Soquel and Main Street was solved, the pack headed on Main St, left on Bridge St and over the little pedestrian bridge.  We soon stumbled upon the first liquor check, a big bottle of Absolut vodka!  Whoo Hoo! 

The trail then lead out to Soquel San Jose Road.  There was another confusing check, but flour was finally found near the restrooms,  in Anna Jean Cummings Park, AKA Blue Balls Park.  The next part was up hill.  But at least there was another liquor check, cheap vodka this time.  The trail continued through the dark muddy trails behind Soquel High School.  When we got back to civilization, we found ourselves at the corner of Soquel Drive and 41st Avenue, and towards the Safeway parking lot.  Trail lead behind the stores.  We got a tip from a couple dock workers a Home Depot, who spotted the Hares earlier.   After meandering through the parking lot of an apartment complex and through some neighborhoods, beer check was found in a parking lot.

 

 

 

 

Religion was in the back of JJ’s parking lot.  It was probably one of the shortest religions in history.  Pink Cherry Licker was Beer Fairy.  TIMMY!!! got chastised for peeing on trail.  Accuprick drank for getting attacked by a stick.  Puff the Magic Drag Queen was congratulated on 11 years without missing a hash!  Get a life!  And the Hares…………………..

Thanks to daylight savings time, this was our last hash in the dark for a while.  Whoo Hoo!

See all you wankers this week at The Poet and the Patriot for this year’s Green dress Hash!  The Hares Thmp-Thmp and Princess Di (arrhea), have requested that hashers wear a green dress, skirt or kilt.  Hopefully we’ll have the luck of the Irish and no one will get arrested for public intoxication.

On On,

Shallow Hole

Hash Trash #675

SCH3 Trash

The Crepe Place always guarantees a great hash turnout. And it’s still winning over new fans because I heard Cumcerto announce, “this is my new bar!” What is it about this place? It’s got booze, so that’s good enough for 99.99% of us. Central SC location? Yeah, that helps. Maybe it’s just the right touch of funkiness that makes us feel right at home. Fans of The Residents, who were playing across the street at the Rio Theatre, were also digging The Crepe with us. They’re odd folks who love a weird band. Shallow Hole asked me to describe the band but all I could come up with was “uh, experimental.”

Although the pack was large, we were missing Choka Cola and Hairy Potter. They’re busy smooching, feeding, burping, diapering, rocking, and dressing up their cute new little girl, Mykah. We’re gonna miss them for a little while, but let’s hope the whole famn damily will be joining us for a stroller-friendly trail someday soon.

Twat Did You Say?’s edjumication didn’t cockblock her from hashing this week, so she showed up–fully warmed up for trail, thanks to sadist and personal trainer Deep Stroke. Monterey CAN’d hashers Free Little Willy, GhettoMan and Virgin Candace came across the bay to join us. I’m thinking that Willy is bionic or something. Just last month, he hared a CAN’d hash in a knee brace. That knee was all swollen, nasty and jacked up, but that didn’t keep him from haring a 10 mile trail! Hardcore. Visitors, Virgins and hashers old and new from far and wide were fired up and ready to face a looooong trail to be laid by the merciless Timmy!!! This time he was joined by the fruit of his loins, maiden co-hare Pink Cherry Licker.

Trail headed straight to the corner of Morrissey and Soquel Ave. to a troublesome check. It was a real team effort, but Cumcerto eventually got us on the right track down Water St. Trail was headed directly to the scene of last week’s heinous crime that resulted in two fallen SC Police Officers. We paid our respects as we cut on-right down N. Branciforte. The neighborhood behind DJ’s Mini Mart was a little sketchy for several reasons. Within the space of two blocks, a hare ran out of chalk and two consecutive backchecks were laid. WTH?? Momentary pack chaos ensued. Our tantrums were soon soothed by a bottle of Adult Chocolate Milk found at liquor check on Market St.

As we continued down Market St., fire trucks and sirens were whizzing by. We hoped they weren’t coming to tend to a hare ahead. The sirens only made the residents even more nervous after last week’s crime spree and our whistles weren’t helping matters. I handed out a few SCH3 calling cards to those who were drawn outside to peek and wonder at our little goober parade.

Somewhere on Emeline St., a YBF was called by Dog Breath. After much confusion and turmoil, we learned there was actually no YBF. We were F’d by one of our own! After a short jaunt down Emeline, we were back on Market St. After the misread and mislaid trail markings, Twat had had just about enough of this B.S. and was ready to turn around. Luckily I was able to keep her moving forward again towards beer check. Eyez on the prize!!!

A well-placed check reunited much of the pack at the top of the hill at Goss St. Deep Stroke and Thmp-Thmp went their own way down Fairmount because Deep Stroke wanted to play her little game of “LET’S R*CE!” Hey, sometimes whatever gets you to beer faster is what’s called for. Cuff My Muff, Occasional Rapist and the rest of the pack trudged through the Banana Belt to the Morrissey bridge crossing. We were all ready to get this trail over with, already.

Behind Safeway, a dark shadow and a beast were sitting on the sidewalk. Not uncommon in this town. When we were almost close enough to trip over her, we realized it was Hugh Heifer, who had beefed it and wounded her rump roast. Calf down! Apparently calves don’t have such great night vision without headlamps. Her trail partner and guide dog Kai hadn’t shepherded her around the patch of dark wonky sidewalk, either. I helped her up and she hoofed it along to nearby beer check behind the old Staff of Life. I guess her trail wounds were nothing a few jello shots and a decent beer selection couldn’t help.

It was a long trail and it sucked. We were happy to finally make it to Puff the Magic Drag Queen’s castle for down downs. AccuPrick RA’d and Just Jerri was beer fairy. Puff was chastised for completing 600 hashes. How can anybody be that consistent? Well, except for Twat who claims to masturbate every single night. Wicked Retahted did not join us on trail because his back is fucked up from surfing. It may have kept him off trail tonight, but nothing will keep him from surfing again tomorrow! Beermeister Heifer pulled down her pants to show us her trail wounds, but was disgusted by the dirty down down song she got for it. Just Charles and Just Jen were welcomed from Addis Ababa, Ethiopia. Hmm…Ethiopia is next door to Kenya, so we can only assume they can r*n even faster than the wind because they have the extra motivation of finding beer at the end of this r*ce.

Schlong Division and Slonad were backsliders with no excusable excuse. Just Brian was toughing out -15° in Minnesota last week. Deep Stroke was away in search of deep powder. Cumcerto and Deep Stroke were busted for hashus interruptus last week. Deep Stroke made Cumcerto leave mid-hash so she could move Deep Stroke’s rig while she was vacationing in Tahoe. That is straight up criminal. Up for debate was shortcutting: is it honorable? dBASED votes YES. Virgin Candace told a joke about a cantaloupe. I’ll leave that to your imagination. Whatever you come up with has gotta be better than her joke was. Free Little Willy and GhettoMan made her come. Just Brian was named Plastic Pussy and he actually likes it (the name, not just the toy). I think barfly My Little Bony and backslider Rod Lover somehow managed to avoid down downs because they were already getting their jump start on on-on-on over at Double Oh Seven.

And the hares… those rat bastards.

Next week Hash #676 starts at JJ’s Saloon in Soquel. Cuff My Muff and Occasional Rapist will be your hare pair. Cuff has been bragging about the sheer awesomeness of her trail, so be prepared for a big letdown. Enjoy the punishment for me because Thmp and I will be in Palm Springs for Betty Ford, bitches!

On on,
Princess

Plastic Pussy Named!

SCH3 Naming

The hasher formerly known as Just Brian shall henceforth be answering to the insult PLASTIC PUSSY! Apparently he’s a salesman of “medical supplies”, but we all suspect he sells Real Dolls (or parts thereof), right? Our crew could use a few knee replacements or fake vaginas, so either way you’ve got some new customers right here! Welcome to the kennel, Plastic Pussy!

Hash Trash #674

Uncategorized

This was Thmp Thmp’s almost “over the hill” birthday hash, he and Princess Di-arrhea the hare pair, but I suspect Princess was too sick to lay trail so we can blame this hazardous night all on Thmp Thmp. We met up at the Surf Bowl or “Coaster’s” bar. It was a cold night, and a small packed formed, maybe 15 of us (see hash count) braved the cold.  Some canine hasher’s we’re in attendence. As Nipple-less butt and I approached the entrance of Coaster’s , there was a smaller dog tied up, initially I thought it was Kai (Hugh’s daughter’s dog) this dog was growling like a mad dog toward’s Nipple-less butt! Ok we’ll no friends there. We had Hogazm return to hash, she is officially moved from the Big Island mo’  better, so we shall be seeing her more often, Welcome back! As it turned out that mean dog is hers! Hares had already left when I got to the bar so soon we began to circle up. Trail led us all around to hell and back. We eventually did go over many hills, and down them hills. We got to see just how many fuckin’  hotel/motel’s there on up on those hills. Trail was ~3.5 miles short you can see this link where dBASED ran way off trail (how does he always find beer check when he is off trail?), anyhow we made it to beer check finally under the tressel by the depot/new marine museum. Now My little bony showed up but didn’t do trail, his friend Just Allen looked like he was going to do trail but then we never saw him. He apparently has never paid for any hashes, He was heard stating “you have to pay to hash?”,  so although he said it ws his 5th hash, we’re giving him 2. So keep cuming Just Allen and maybe you’ll get named. He apparently was scared away by Serial box, as that was how long he has been away, he stated she kept asking him “show me your dick” all during his last hash sometime in the year of 2010? Religion was on top of the bowling alley on a roof top parking lot, who knew that was there!! Accuprick was RA, his beer fairy Hogazm.  Just Allen and My little bony took the first down down for shouting about SB’s tale stated above, Hugh’s dog Kai, took a shit on trail, so we sang her a Shit Tonya song. Hairy Fuck 2.5 got his 50th anal-versary, and Hogazm got her 125th anal-versary patch!Hash 674 Cumcerto had to leave to move Deep Strokes RV (yes DS is still here-butt she decided to go find Deep Snow in Tahoe that week) so her down down went to the hare pair. And the hares……We then moved on to South Beach Pizza, Princess Di-arrhea treated us to pizza to celebrate Thmp-Thmp’s nearing over the hill birthday! Whoo hoo we all had a great time! Happy Birthday TT! C U all at Crepe Place Thursday 2/28/13 for Hash Trail #675!

On on….Occasional Rapist

Hash 674

Hash Trash # 673, V-Day Hash 2/14/13

Uncategorized

V-Day Mini Skirt/Kilt Hash

Our Hares, Occasional Rapist and Mortal Enema chose Brady’s Yacht Club as the start for this week’s hash.  It was Valentine’s Day, and love and liquor were in the air.  Hashers were asked to wear mini skirts or kilts.  What could be sexier than a bunch of drunks running around in skirts?   Several folks took advantage of the couples kilt sale on Sport Kilt website.  Princess Diarrhea and Thmp-Thmp looked marvelous in their new matching kilts.  Puff the Magic Drag Queen and TIMMY!!! sported their matching kilts.   Pink Cherry Licker learned the lesson of never taking fashion advice from her Dad.  Deep Stroke wore a sexy school girl skirt, with her Beaver fever hat.  I know many of you are asking the same question.  Will she ever leave?  She is searching junkyards far and wide for parts for her RV.  This was the first Hare experience for Mortal Enema.  She hasn’t been around for a while.  In fact, the last time we saw her was in December, the night she got named.  She claimed to work late on Thursday nights, which prohibited her from hashing.  Vince Lamblowme showed up- but not wearing a mini skirt, thank God!  We had 2 virgins, Virgin Christine and Virgin Laura (girlfriend of Just Zach).  I’m sure Virgin Christine gave him hell for dragging her to a hash for Valentine’s Day.  Not your typical romantic date.  Occasional Rapist and dBASED started the week by giving each other a rash.  No, it wasn’t VD.  Just a nasty case of poison oak.  They blamed it on the dog.  Poor Nippless Butt.   I wonder if it’s the same thing as when someone farts and blames the dog.  Just Sayin…….

Our Hares sent the pack on a drunken wild goose chase through Seabright neighborhood streets and ended up on Seabright Beach.  The Hares ran out of flour on the beach.   Just when we figured we were fucked, we saw the lights coming from the fire pits on the beach.  We headed in that direction and found beer check.  The Hares, Wicked Retahted, Cuff my Muff and Dirty Dolmas were all warm and cozy around the fire with beer, a box of wine, candy and had flowers for the ladies.

Religion was held on Watson Street near Pacific Edge.  Accuprick was RA.  He nominated yours truly, Shallow Hole, as Beer Fairy because I posted something sappy to my hubby on Facebook for Valentine’s Day.  Pink Cherry Licker got the first down down.  Something about wanting her and Accuprick to go down the slide at Ocean View Park.  Next, the two newly named Harriettes, Dirty Dolmas and Pink Cherry Licker were called up to the altar.  Accuprick wasn’t present last week and wanted to know how they got their names.  There were several tails from the trail.  We had a “hole down down”.  Deep Stroke told a tale of how she fell into a shallow hole on the beach.  Occasional Rapist fell into the same hole, and Mortal Enema tripped and fell when they were laying trail.  And I drank because my name is Shallow Hole.  Vince Lamblowme and Hugh Heifer drank to congratulate Hugh Heifer for getting laid at a Super Bowl Party.  Good for her!  Virgins Christine and Laura showed frontal body parts.  Welcome to the hash!  Thmp-Thmp shared intimate details about his sex life.  Apparently claiming that his “pussy” hurts.  Princess Diarrhea was blamed (of course).   Princess Diarrhea and Hugh Heifer drank again for wearing hats.  Pink Cherry Licker was serenaded with a hideous rendition of the hash birthday song.  And last but not least, the Hares…………

On On,

Shallow Hole